Cannot handle the small things…..

[AnnRA]

I lost my husband 8 months ago and have struggled with paperwork, trying to keep up with our household matters after a recent renovation which he supervised.  I am finding that ANYTHING involving household maintenance/equipment, etc sends me into tears and meltdown.  I was always organized and calm that way, before.   I am currently in a tizzy over a radiator heating system where I can find no receipts or info that is needed.  He would be so irritated with me and I feel awful!  How in the world have you all coped with things like this?  

[MaryB]

First of all, try not to feel awful.  Be kind to yourself.  This is a lot to go through.

I can relate to this.  I was my husband's caregiver for six years and during that period had very little time to take care of household things.  Then he died and just about everything that I had no time to do had to be done.  I was overwhelmed and angry.  So after a while I realized that somehow I had to break everything down and organize it.  I listed everything I had to do in a spreadsheet and by sheer determination got busy.  I didn't feel like it, I wasn't qualified, I was angry that I had to do it all alone.  But I took baby steps, asked for help when I needed to and slowly began to check things off.  And every time I did, I felt a little more empowered.  When everything was broken down into single tasks it all became much less intimidating.  Just passing this along.  I don't know if this will work for you but it sure worked for me.  Good luck.  You can do this!

[tnd]

2 hours ago, AnnRA said:

 I am finding that ANYTHING involving household maintenance/equipment, etc sends me into tears and meltdown.

AnnRA:  I'm right there with ya. I hate it and it angers me too! I'm sure things aren't as hard as I think they are going to be but right now everything just seems to be too much for me to handle. Every little thing is more like some enormous impossible challenge. I feel like it's being piled on me. I guess it's our grief that has weighted us down. But knowing that hasn't helped me. So I am just trying to take one thing at a time and at the only pace I can go right now -SLOW. Don't beat yourself up over any of it. You're doing okay if you got through today. I know, we want to be more than just okay but I'm sorry, for me I am just trying to maintain at the "okay" level for the time being. 

[Missy1]

3 hours ago, MaryB said:

First of all, try not to feel awful.  Be kind to yourself.  This is a lot to go through.

I can relate to this.  I was my husband's caregiver for six years and during that period had very little time to take care of household things.  Then he died and just about everything that I had no time to do had to be done.  I was overwhelmed and angry.  So after a while I realized that somehow I had to break everything down and organize it.  I listed everything I had to do in a spreadsheet and by sheer determination got busy.  I didn't feel like it, I wasn't qualified, I was angry that I had to do it all alone.  But I took baby steps, asked for help when I needed to and slowly began to check things off.  And every time I did, I felt a little more empowered.  When everything was broken down into single tasks it all became much less intimidating.  Just passing this along.  I don't know if this will work for you but it sure worked for me.  Good luck.  You can do this!

 Love this idea, I am gonna do it, thank you

 

[Gail 8588]

AnnRA, 

I didn't do any of it very well. I have mountains of unopened mail in boxes and on tables today.  I moved from crisis to crisis because I didn't handle paperwork appropriately.  

MaryB seems to have taken the bull by the horns and exerted control over the paperwork monster.  

The spreadsheet sounds like a very practical tool for getting a handle on it. 

God help us all!

Gail

[KayC]

I am a list maker by nature, I too use spreadsheets, I thank God I got organizational skills from my mom.  BUT the last couple of years with my hand injuries and permanent damage to strength and ongoing pain, I have had to let some things go.  It bugs me.

One thing I just want to say is to be proud of everything you DO accomplish, rather than mad at yourself for what you don't.  Maybe your husband wouldn't be irritated with you under the circumstances, perhaps he'd realize just how hard this has been for you and how doing ANYTHING while in early grief is beyond comprehension.  Anything beyond getting out of bed and breathing should be applauded, let alone the hard frustrating stuff.

Sometimes I am proud of myself for things others wouldn't blink an eye at.  I managed to clean off the graves, using my push mower (no motor), the dirt is soft, making it all the harder, but I got it done.  I had hired it done but twice they neglected to take care of it, now we're unable to use motors (lawnmowers, weed whackers, etc.) because of the extreme fire danger.  To some this is a piece of cake.  To me it's not.  Just make sure to give yourself accolades when you've done something!

[tnd]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

One thing I just want to say is to be proud of everything you DO accomplish, rather than mad at yourself for what you don't.

That's how I was looking at myself before my husband passed. I was learning to live with an illness. Now it's double the challenge so I am really having to rely on giving myself a pat on the back or toot my own horn.  

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Anything beyond getting out of bed and breathing should be applauded, let alone the hard frustrating stuff.

It's shocking how sick or tired we feel from grief. I feel like I've got an anvil tied to each leg.  

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Sometimes I am proud of myself for things others wouldn't blink an eye at.

Just putting the sheets on the bed by myself is quite a feat but realizing that I don't actually need to fold and tuck them in is brilliant!  ha ha.... 

[KayC]

I'm glad you recognize and acknowledge the small things...which don't seem small at all under the circumstances!  I'm feeling proud of myself for clearing the graves off, which was NOT easy for me with my painful hands!  But I got all of the weeds mowed with a push mower, and it looks so nice now!  I want them to know I love them and am showing respect to them by caring where they lay...whether they realize it or not.

[Gail 8588]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

. . . I love them and am showing respect to them by caring where they lay...whether they realize it or not.

Kay,

I feel this way too. My husband is buried in a conservation cemetery, where the graves have only a very small marker flush with the ground.  Natural caskets, no embalming fluids, everything decomposes and becomes part of the living world again.  Each time I go to his grave site I do a little light landscaping, in keeping with the natural environment.  It makes me happy to tend to his resting place.  He is not forgotten, he is still loved.  

Gail

[tnd]

I had to call my SIL today. She was in the middle of taking care of some things and was stressed out and kind of short with me. At first I almost felt put off by that but then realized that me of all people in her life right now, understands what it is like to be stressed and overwhelmed. I empathized with her. I felt a little better about how she was on the phone with me because I was able to recognize stress and the "oh heck, this is too much for me to handle" feeling. I didn't get upset with her. Saved myself the energy that is often wasted on getting mad.   

[KayC]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

At first I almost felt put off by that but then realized that me of all people in her life right now, understands what it is like to be stressed and overwhelmed. I empathized with her. I felt a little better about how she was on the phone with me because I was able to recognize stress and the "oh heck, this is too much for me to handle" feeling. I didn't get upset with her

I swear, you are the sweetest person!  I wish we lived close by.

 

20 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It makes me happy to tend to his resting place.  He is not forgotten, he is still loved.  

Yes!  That's how I feel too.  I just don't want their graves unkempt and let go.  They mean the world to me, even if it's just their discarded "house" now.  Any part of them means the world to me.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

Any part of them means the world to me.

KayC:  I gave you a "Thanks" for loving, caring for and looking at your pets that way. I believe they are God's gift to us and help mold us into the people we become. That gift is ever-lasting. Much like what our loved ones (our husbands) and what they gave to us that will last us a lifetime.