Two years ago I lost him...

[MaryB]

Almost two years ago I lost him to cancer.  I was his caregiver for six years and then he died suddenly, in front of me, from a blood clot.  In that instant, my life changed forever.  I found this site because I think I need to be connected to others who understand how profound and devastating this loss is.  I have weathered the first two years...most of the time wondering how I even survived them.  My many friends and family have returned to their old lives.  That's impossible for me and has me wondering what this third year will bring.  There is such a sadness that seems to color everything.  This is my first post...just want to say thank you for being here and for listening to me.

[KayC]

Oh Mary, I am so sorry!  Wow.  I was my MIL's caregiver for three years as she was bedridden with cancer.  She was the mom I always wanted and my best friend.  It was the hardest thing in the world, watching her go, bit by bit, and the suffering she went through.

None of us know/realize HOW we got through those early years of loss, it's been 16 years since I've lost my husband...he died suddenly, unexpectedly, barely 51, there is no preparing for this, not even if we've had anticipatory grief.  I understand the sadness you speak of.  I've lived alone for so long, and learned to carry my grief inside of me, it's ever there.

I am glad you found this place as it does help to express yourself and know you are heard and understood...it aids in our processing our grief.  Others who have not been through it may care but are at a loss to understand, let alone respond adequately.  You have to have been there to get it.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[MaryB]

Thank you for your post and this list of tips. These will help me so much.

My husband died two days before our 44th wedding anniversary and although I didn't realize it last year because I was in such a fog, this year I'm already thinking about the day and just dreading it.  How on earth has two years passed already!?!?!  I honestly thought that I was prepared for this but I was so wrong.  It's like a part of me is gone and absolutely everything is different.  That first year I hardly remember because there was so much to do.  And slowly last year it started to hit me that he really is gone.  Some days are better than others but all my days seem to have this low level of sadness that has become a part of me.  I don't know what to expect as I approach the third year.  I know he would want me to be happy and I'm so glad that he didn't suffer any more than he already did.  But I don't know how to do this.  My heart just aches.  I'm so glad I found this site...maybe it's good to get these words out as I sit here crying and typing.

[Gail 8588]

Mary B, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband and I were married 38 years when he had a stroke and died 25 days later.  That was in 2017. I am in my 5th year of living without him. 

I am doing much better now, after having a pretty terrible first 3 years.  I will always miss my husband, but I am okay living alone. 

I feel like I am in  a time warp.  It feels like yesterday he was with me, yet years have rolled by. 

One of the big things that has change for me is that it is  easier for me to talk about him now, to share stories about him, to listen to his CDs.  I don't cry doing that now. In fact it makes me happy. 

Everyone's journey  is unique, so don't think your journey will follow any pattern of others. 

Gail

 

[tnd]

I am very sorry for your loss, MaryB. The loss of our loved one is the very worst pain I have ever felt. I'm just starting the journey and feel both angry and sad. It is hard. 

[Diane R. E.]

22 hours ago, MaryB said:

all my days seem to have this low level of sadness that has become a part of me.

Hi Mary B; yes - this is exactly how I feel too. I don't expect it will ever go away, but I try not to let the sadness overwhelm me most days. Other days it just does ....

[MaryB]

I felt so alone but just reading your words gives me a sense of knowing that I am not alone in these feelings...that so many others have gone through this and have a wisdom that only time can provide.  Most of my friends truly have no idea what I'm going through and are unsure of how to help me.  That's what drove me to this site to begin with and I can see that joining was a very wise decision.  Within the 24 hours that I have been communicating, I have glimmers of hope...that I found people who really know what this is like.  And to each of you, I am so sorry for YOUR loss.  

[steveb]

3 hours ago, MaryB said:

I felt so alone but just reading your words gives me a sense of knowing that I am not alone in these feelings...that so many others have gone through this and have a wisdom that only time can provide. 

MaryB, you definitely won’t be alone here.  During my lowest points, I knew I could gain some comfort here. And during those days when I felt better, I would post and try to comfort and empathize with others.  This site has become one of my sanctuaries.

[MaryB]

Thank you, Steve.  And I'm so sorry for your loss.

I love your use of the word "sanctuary"...I do feel safe and supported here.  

[tnd]

2 hours ago, MaryB said:

Thank you, Steve.  And I'm so sorry for your loss.

I love your use of the word "sanctuary"...I do feel safe and supported here.  

I like Steve's use of the word too. This site is indeed a sanctuary, a place to find support and solace. I am grateful for it's existence and so appreciate everyone on here. 

[MaryB]

I was just thinking about how grateful I am to have found this place.  For almost two years I've been trying to navigate this widow thing by myself and not having much success.  I feel at home here.  My heart feels just a bit lighter.

[tnd]

Just now, MaryB said:

For almost two years I've been trying to navigate this widow thing by myself and not having much success.  I feel at home here.  My heart feels just a bit lighter.

MaryB: I'm glad I found this site right away. I'm sorry you've felt so alone. But now you have us and we all just share and bounce thoughts and feelings off of each other. I'm on here a lot and probably will be for quite some time to come. 

[MaryB]

tnd:  Thank you!  Not feeling so alone anymore.

[annie123]

Mary B, I am so sorry for your loss.  I am so glad that I joined this site,  I am glad that you found it as well. Everyone is so caring and sympathetic here.  We all understand the pain and the loneliness felt ,after losing our loved one.  Everyone can relate and are supportive of each other.

[KayC]

It is a site like this that was my salvation when I lost my George.  It meant the world to me.  It doesn't get much traffic anymore so I came over here a few years ago, I never want anyone to feel alone in their journey.  My heartfelt thoughts are with you all.