It's been 3 years today

[foreverhis]

I'm at the end of the day that is exactly 3 years since I lost my husband, my best friend, my soul mate, my everything.  Yesterday and last night were actually worse, which is exactly what happened before.  Part of my day was made better by an unexpected afternoon with my doggie friend.  Her mom texted this morning to check in.  A little while later, she texted again with the offer of a furry love bug, if I was up to it and thought it might help at all.  I was and it did.

She's one of those sensitive animals who knows when one of her "pack" is hurting.  Her take on those times seems to be, "I am here for you.  You will play with me and we will go for a walk.  Then I will snuggle up on you so we can love each other and you'll feel better."  Of course, she is right about that.  So my afternoon wasn't as painful as it might have been.

When I walked her home, my friend met us at the door.  She had picked up a piece of pie for me at one of our best local bakeries.  She said she figured I probably wasn't very hungry or didn't feel like a meal, but that there's nothing wrong with pie for dinner once in a while.  Indeed.  So I had a glass of wine and pie tonight.

What struck me was that none of my family, except our daughter, called or emailed today.  At first, I was kind of upset.  But then I realized that they know me so well that they gave me the space I needed today.  They know I'm never up to talking on these painful days and that it just makes the day more stressful for me.  I suspect that over the weekend I will be receiving several calls, emails, and texts instead.

So now I begin year 4 without John by my side.  I'm really not sure how I made it this far.  In the early months, I couldn't see how I'd even make it 1 year.  I kept bargaining with John that, "Okay, I'll do 1 year to make sure everything legal is handled and the girls don't have any hassle.  Then you need to come get me."  These days I still do that, but more like, "Okay, I'll stick around until our granddaughter starts college (6 years from now).  Then you need to come get me so we can be together again."  I know in my mind that it's ridiculous and silly, but I do it anyway.

Today wasn't as bad as the first year, so I suppose that's progress.  It certainly wasn't a good day; it will never be anything other than deeply painful.  But I got through it with help from a 12 lb furry love who is better than any tranquilizer.  I got through it knowing that the people in my life are there for me, even when being there means leaving me alone today.  For that I am extremely thankful.

[Yoli]

Well done, if that is the right phrasing(?), for getting this far.

I bargain with Indy too.

[Roxeanne]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm at the end of the day that is exactly 3 years since I lost my husband, my best friend, my soul mate, my everything. 

Hi forever...i am in the same place as you! 3 years and some months... I'm missing him all the time, i'm missing his laugh... The tender intense fun life together!

Without him i am deadly bored and lonely!

A boredom and loneliness that not even friends can eliminate, but they are so nice to me..it's not their fault...i'm missing a very special person! 

So i'm living with them some good moments , with cakes and wine...tomorrow night i will be with some more friends to see the final of European Championship of football...Italy play against England!

I don't care about the match, but i want stay with friends..it's so good not to be alone in my house!

I'm trying everything to find a good life...even i asked him to help me to find a fun life again...he knows how to make me laugh, he knows how to make me feel good!

After 3 years i have to resign and admit to myself that, although it is the thing i want most in the world, i won't find him anytime soon!

Sometimes i cry for this desperate awareness and i have some comfort from my fur little  sister, my cat Margot who is the witness of my bad moments.

This is my life 3 years after....

[KayC]

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

A little while later, she texted again with the offer of a furry love bug

I'm so glad!  You have truly wonderful neighbors as I do!  If I didn't know better, I'd think we lived in the same community.  I've never figured out quite how to do death anv. or wedding anv. or their birthday, it's just plain hard to get through.  I know my little Kodie truly helps since I lost Arlie.  They are wonderful beings!

[KayC]

I went to a friend's birthday last night, held at the bowling alley.  I can't even pick up a bowling ball let alone bowl since injuring my hands, and they are permanent so it's out of the question.  But I wanted to show support for his birthday, they are truly wonderful people/neighbors.  He'd said I could "bring someone."  Yeah, right.  Like who?  So I went down and visited on my own, trying to strike a balance of spreading my presence around different neighbors so I didn't infiltrate too much and kind of made the rounds with all.  People don't realize what a couples' world this is until they're alone!  We are the odd man out.

[tnd]

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm at the end of the day that is exactly 3 years since I lost my husband, my best friend, my soul mate, my everything. 

foreverhis:  I am very sorry for your loss. Your husband sounds like he was the perfect mate for you. I like how you ask him to come and get you after you've taken care of certain things but then reached the point where you bargain with him...telling him that you will stick around until after your granddaughter goes to college. Maybe that's a sign that you are giving yourself permission to continue on. ?? I think it's a show of strength. You have chosen to "stick around" and that's good...for your family, your friends and neighbors but most importantly, you've done it for yourself. While I can only speak for myself I know that if I don't want to stick around all I have to do is remove the oxygen from my face. But no, I come here and here is where I am gaining some strength -through the support I get from everyone here.

I am glad you find comfort in your furry friend. My cats help to comfort me. We don't speak each other's language but I think they understand that I am not myself lately and offer me hugs and just their presence by lying down next to me. Kudos for you stepping out with your furry friend and being out there in the world again. You are such an inspiration. You may not feel like you are but sharing with us your own story of growth, setbacks and progress helps me.     

[Gail 8588]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm at the end of the day that is exactly 3 years since I lost my husband, my best friend, my soul mate, my everything.

So now I begin year 4 without John by my side.  

Foreverhis,

Sending you hugs tonight. I think we both know we will never again, on earth, have what we had with our Johns.  But we were so fortunate to have the time we did have together. 

Life is still good. Life is worth living. Children, grand children, friends, family still want and need us.  Somehow we have to make that be enough. 

I hope you have a sweet dream tonight. 

Gail

[Roxeanne]

On 7/11/2021 at 3:45 AM, Gail 8588 said:

Somehow we have to make that be enough. 

Yes..just like that Gail! We must be content of what we have now...

only god knows how much i've fought against this...and sometimes i still do...

[foreverhis]

Thank you everyone. It's so comforting to know that all of you understand what the day (and days leading up to it) was like for me.

[widower2]

On 7/10/2021 at 3:03 AM, foreverhis said:

I suspect that over the weekend I will be receiving several calls, emails, and texts instead.

Wow. What's that like? I didn't even get that much immediately afterwards, never mind years later. I guarantee nobody I care about that (I think) cares about me even has a clue what day it was. Maybe even what month.

Sorry for the rough day but glad that your situation is better. Yes pets can make a huge diff. Inheriting her dog was a lifeline to me for years, a buoy I clung to. I HAD to go on for his sake; we were both close to him. Putting him down a couple of years ago, I really regressed after feeling I was finally regrouping. I never thought a dog could mean so much to me, but the circumstances were of course unique. That and he was truly a great dog, not just because of the situation. Crazy, but great.  

 

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, widower2 said:

Wow. What's that like? I didn't even get that much immediately afterwards, never mind years later. I guarantee nobody I care about that (I think) cares about me even has a clue what day it was. Maybe even what month.

I'm so sorry people treated you (and others) like that.  Desertion and ignorance seem to run rampant among the people that you should be able to count on the most.

I have had a few casual friends completely vanish, but that's okay because they reacted poorly from the beginning.  A few I had to "boot" out of my life because of their callousness (e.g., pretending John never existed at all--unacceptable under any circumstances).  A few people have drifted, though not completely away.  For the most part, our very small, loyal circle of friends and family have stayed with me and kept John's memory alive in their own lives. 

There were times in the first year or two that I know were hard for them.  For example, our brother-by-choice, his best friend (married to our other best friend), didn't tell me at the time so as not to burden me, but he had a hard time that first fall.  See, he and John weren't sports fanatics, but they enjoyed some football and baseball.  So every Labor Day weekend, they'd sit down and figure out which games were worth watching.  It was a ritual for nearly 30 years.  For John, it was "guy time" and very important to them both.  That first year, our friend had a bit of an emotional breakdown over that weekend.  Several times in that first year when the family came down, he and his son would spend a day working on little projects that John would have done.  They said it made them feel connected to John and gave them tangible ways to feel they were helping me hang on.

These kinds of things have continued, though not as often because people's lives have moved forward.  But they haven't left me or us behind.  Throughout the first year, I wasn't the only one to have emotional triggers, both expected and unexpected.  They tried to shield me from some of it, knowing that my pain was so much worse. 

Our newer local friends also continue to be there for me.  These friendships have strengthened over time.

I do not ever take the people in my/our life for granted.  I know I am lucky and maybe unusual in that way.

 

[Gail 8588]

My husband had an unusually broad group of friends that had a deep personal connection to him.  And as I was with him for 40 years, they were my friends too. But when John died, I was such a mess, I really built a wall around myself and pretty much wouldn't let anyone in. A big part of it was that I felt so guilty, I didn't deserve any sympathy.  It was my fault their dear friend was dead, how could I look them in the eye? 

Inspite of my determination to run away from them all, several of them stayed in my life and still contact me regularly.  It's only been in the last year that I have been treating them decently.  I am really amazed that any of them persevered so long. 

John's family have always embraced me, as have my 2 brothers, and of course my sons.  So I have been very fortunate to have a lot of loving support. 

Finally, after 4 years, I can actually feel their love for me. 

Gail