How do I do this?

[John9]

tnd and AnnRA,

I used to be a "fat" old man and I got that way by eating everything, my wife and I loved our food. We always said that MIL ate to stay alive and we ate because we loved it. I have lost 4o pounds since my wife died and nothing brings me joy. That being said I have eaten dark chocolate for years and had finally got my wife to accept it I like the 85-90 percent cacao myself and unfortunately it does nothing for me, maybe I am used to it and would need too much to make it feasible like taking too many drugs where your body builds up an immunity all I know id I no longer enjoy it like I used to. O.J. just makes me pee (haha) We never had any rocking chairs since one of our "first" cats had an encounter and we decided it wasn't worth the risks. I haven't slept under the covers since my wife died just under a blanket that we always had for the Chihuahua's that they loved. I KNOW that she isn't coming back which is of course PART of the problem or the WHOLE problem.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, John9 said:

tnd,

Maybe when I am done SUFFERING and God lets me die, He will explain this all to me because it makes no sense to me. I want to believe that Heaven exists and she is happy I was just saying I think if she HAD a choice she would have wanted to WAIT for me to go too. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be not me caring for MIL ALONE without her.

Of course it doesn't make sense, the Bible says Now that which we see is as if we were looking in a broken mirror. But then we will see everything. Now I know only a part. But then I will know everything in a perfect way. That is how God knows me right now. 1 Cor. 13:12

How can we understand when we are looking through limited vision/knowledge?  But when everything is complete we will understand the whole picture.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, John9 said:

I expect to die from a broken heart before the end of the year

I would have thought I would have but I wasn't so lucky.  Instead God must have had a higher purpose for me...not the easy route by any means!  But then I think back to all I would have missed had I gone back then...knowing all of you here, my wonderful neighbors, people at church, my Arlie, Miss Mocha, Chappy, Kitty, Kodie, and who would have taken care of King George (cat) and Lucky?  Who would have been here for my mom and sisters?  Not to mention my kids.  And I never would have met my grandkids.

[KayC]

I am posting this for my Diabetic group:

https://www.everydayhealth.com/diet-and-nutrition-pictures/delicious-reasons-to-eat-dark-chocolate.aspx

[John9]

So, today is as expected the worst since she died, BUT I was trying to talk to MIL and she shocked me by not "remembering" it was her daughters birthday, I thought certain things would ALWAYS be there. It was like a dagger in my heart because there is no one in the house that remembers anything about her but me and it just makes things even harder than ever because I am not able to "talk" through the moments of pain even though moments is not a correct statement because it is always something but noway to get it out but here.

[Gail 8588]

John9,

It is so very hard somedays. I know today is going to be very rough for you. I wish there was something to say or do to make it easier, but I don't think there is anything that will.

It was a real shock to me how actually physically painful grief can be. There were many times I really thought I was on the verge of dying. My heart was in such pain I thought I must be having a heart attack. My head hurt so much, I must have burst blood vessels in my brain.  I couldn't understand how I could keep on living through these episodes. 

Like you, I really thought I would die in the first year or two.  I knew that some spouses do die soon after their soulmate dies.  It made perfect sense to me that dying was logical outcome of one of  these intensely painful episodes.  I was not afraid of dying, but rather would have welcomed it.  But for reasons beyond my comprehension, I didn't die. 

My heart goes out to you as you endure another one of these terrible days. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[LMR]

@John9 I hope you are getting through the day. I'm sorry that MIL did not remember your wife's birthday but she couldn't help it. I'm sure she would if she could. Unfortunately there is nothing at all that you can rely on that she will always remember.

It is very sad that you have nobody to cry with, that is what I have been craving for a while now. Some friends, however kind they may be are just not "cry buddies". Your " buddies" here are all thinking of you and wishing you well.

[annie123]

John, my thoughts are with you today. Hugs to you.

John, I'll cry with you today.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

the Bible says Now that which we see is as if we were looking in a broken mirror. But then we will see everything. Now I know only a part. But then I will know everything in a perfect way. That is how God knows me right now. 1 Cor. 13:12

How can we understand when we are looking through limited vision/knowledge?  But when everything is complete we will understand the whole picture.

KayC:  Thank you for posting where you got this from. It offers some comfort. This is what my husband was talking about. He knew the Bible like the back of his hand. 

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Instead God must have had a higher purpose for me...not the easy route by any means!  But then I think back to all I would have missed had I gone back then...

KayC:  Maybe this is why my husband's favorite movie is "It's A Wonderful Life". The main character, played by James Stewart, was taken back in time by an angel and allowed to see what life would have been like for his family and friends if he had never been born. Their lives were pretty dismal without him. Some even tragic. Makes me wonder..

[tnd]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

I am not able to "talk" through the moments of pain even though moments is not a correct statement because it is always something but noway to get it out but here.

John9:  Telling you I'm sorry just doesn't seem enough right now. When I couldn't have a cake for my husband or even talk to him on his birthday (he was on a ventilator) it felt so awful. I can only hope that he felt the prayers I sent his way. I had quite a long conversation with him here at home by myself. I know he couldn't hear me but prayed that God would somehow let him know. We trusted each other with our lives so, I hope that my husband knew that he could still trust me enough to be thinking of him on his birthday. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, John9 said:

I thought certain things would ALWAYS be there

No, that's not how dementia is, she could forget she even HAD a daughter!  People vary as to what they remember, but most remember childhood, not anything more current, but it takes a while to get there...little by little they slip away.  It reminds me of Pacman eating away...or a virus eating computer data.  My sister astounds me with old stupid things she recalls but she doesn't remember anything that just happened or she told me.  A lot of people forget their kids' names or their spouse.  It's one of the hardest diseases I know esp. on the family.  Hard too was ALS which a friend died from, it literally imprisoned him in his own body, kind of like being set in cement and slowly but surely it hardens and traps you.  Cancer is another very hard one to watch the disease progress, whether slow or fast, it's a robber.

John, I'm sure the day was hard enough without that, my heart goes out to you. 

 

 

[Diane R. E.]

John9; I'm so sorry you had to be alone on your wife's birthday and your MIL not even remembering. I echo everyone's sentiments. (((Hugs)))

[John9]

To everyone who commented THANK YOU. I made it through but it was HARD and sadly today is worse. I received a text on her Birthday from one of her Aunts who hasn't called or texted since about a  week after she died and she said she is ALWAYS thinking of US. That kind of set me off and this morning I texted her and said I knew I wasn't Family and I felt abandoned and she said of course I was Family so I replied it sure didn't seem that way. I know that DEMENTIA (like Grief) is personal and no two people will experience it the same BUT I just hoped she would hold onto "key" memories and yes she remembers 60 years ago when she broke her Mothers chair practicing her cheer leading moves by jumping off.

[April Ballou]

It isn't fair that we all here are alone, some more than others.  I am grateful for my children and in-laws they help at different times.  But then other times I'm at home all alone.  I'm sorry @John9 that you were alone for your wife's birthday.  I know that it had to be hard for you.  May God give you strength and peace.  I pray blessings on each and everyone of us in this forum.  God will be with each and everyone.  May God bless each one.

[John9]

April Ballou,

I will never disagree with anyone or their beliefs as I am in no position to state "facts". I want to believe everything everyone says in reference to the Bible and God, all I do know is this is TOO HARD and TOO PAINFUL no matter what "reward" could ever be at the end. I am trying to do my best for as long as I can but as I said before the hits just keep on coming. I NEED some kind of a "break" from all of the issues I am dealing with and I don't say this as a challenge to God to see what my breaking point is. I NEED this to END and soon. I do not claim to be better or know better than God but this is killing me with the STRESS and all else.

[April Ballou]

I am sorry that you are having to go through so much at the same time @John9.  We are here to listen.  We all are going through things.  Not as much as you.  But it's not about that it's about getting through all of this together.  

[KayC]

18 hours ago, John9 said:

this is TOO HARD and TOO PAINFUL no matter what "reward" could ever be at the end.

Oh, I understand.  Life seems to have gotten harder and harder the older I've gotten so that I don't even want to know what lies ahead the rest of my life, I can only handle today and sometimes THAT is hard!

I'm glad we have this place, it helps.  There are caring people here!

[Diane R. E.]

18 hours ago, John9 said:

I want to believe everything everyone says in reference to the Bible and God, all I do know is this is TOO HARD and TOO PAINFUL no matter what "reward" could ever be at the end.

John9; this is how I feel too. I could write a whole paragraph on what I think, the questions I have, and the anger I feel, but it won't change anything. I do know from his signs that my husband is in a good place, which is the only thing that brings me any comfort. At 10 months out I AM learning to make my way forward, but with little joy. Sorry for being such a downer!

[John9]

April Ballou,

I do greatly appreciate the help and moral support I receive and the various statements of "your" trials and tribulations and it does help BUT mine are and always will be mine and even with the help,  I will have to deal with it ALONE because of everything that makes it unique to me. I will ALWAYS accept any support from ANYONE here and otherwise to try to....

[John9]

Kay C,

I have to say not only does it seem like life has gotten harder but it has in fact done so. I know that many as we get older have the issues of getting older and that does make life harder and the saying "Old age isn't for Wimps" fits doesn't it. But I also agree that there are many caring people here and it would be great if this way just a "normal" place to chat and not a place we "NEED". I am glad I found it and as I say I will ALWAYS "listen" and maybe follow through with the advice given because I know it is well intended and from the heart.

[John9]

Diane R.E.,

I am trying to figure out the future and you are no more of a downer than any of the rest of us we are all feeling that way from time to time, SOME more than others (me) for reasons that are bad for the TRIGGERS that set us off. I am not doing well at all this week because of MINE. I have said before each day is worse than the day before for me and it just keeps getting worse. I am trying but I am not sure what is coming next. I just told my son if I don't expect anything and I can't be disappointed and it would be nice if people would just stop saying this if they have no intent on following through. Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies. Don't say you will do something if you aren't able or willing to do it because it is worse when I get my hopes up and something falls through than it would be if I never even thought about it.

[tnd]

On 8/6/2021 at 5:42 PM, John9 said:

I NEED this to END and soon. I do not claim to be better or know better than God but this is killing me with the STRESS and all else.

John9:  I am sorry and very saddened by this. But I don't blame you for feeling this way. Not at all. Believe me, I "get it". I too am right there at the same point today. Without my husband, I am lost and feeling completely empty. After what transpired today with my brother and SIL, I feel that my spirit has now been broken. Lots of people come to the end of their ropes but I am beyond that now. So I completely understand what it must be like for you. Any positivity I had was completely destroyed today. My husband would hate knowing this, I would think your wife would hate seeing what is happening to you as well. But our spouses can't help us now. Whatever happens now is in God's hands.  

[tnd]

7 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

At 10 months out I AM learning to make my way forward, but with little joy. Sorry for being such a downer!

Diane R.E.:  Please don't think of yourself as being a downer. None of this is our faults. At least you're not giving empty advice or telling someone who is grieving and barely able to make it thru the day as just "playing victim", such as I was told today by my SIL.   

[John9]

tnd,

I read your other post and I am sorry that you feel at the end of your rope, I understand even though I am in no way in the situation that you are in. I do not like when it feels like the rug is pulled out from under you because of the lack of understanding or empathy from others. It is sad when you get more support from "strangers" than family and friends but sadly we can't help you with the issues you are going through. I would help if there was any way to do so but I am not able to offer any more than moral support and well wishes for some sort of resolution to the situation. I appreciate the understanding you have for me with all you are going through which shows you deserve better than what is happening to you but nobody deserves that not even a bad person.

[tnd]

3 hours ago, John9 said:

I would help if there was any way to do so but I am not able to offer any more than moral support and well wishes for some sort of resolution to the situation.

John9:  Thank you for the support. It is felt here. I think being given moral support is perhaps the most critical act that anyone can offer to those of us who are grieving. And it is so easy to be morally supportive of someone. You just did it by posting. I don't know what makes people avoid that. Are they afraid of something? It sure would have helped me and made things a little easier if my family could have offered some moral support but they haven't. Instead, I am being berated, lectured, insulted, offended and humiliated. It's made it all harder and worse, I've been crying all night and so far, most of today. I don't know, maybe that's the idea; they want to push me over the edge.       

[KayC]

On 8/7/2021 at 10:29 AM, Diane R. E. said:

I could write a whole paragraph on what I think, the questions I have, and the anger I feel, but it won't change anything.

It's normal to feel this way.  Remember, HOWEVER you are feeling at this point, it's normal for grief.  I asked WHY for a year, never got any resounding answers!  I finally quit asking, it did no good.  I probably wouldn't have agreed or like the answer had I got one, so moot point.

John, I get it too.  If at some point you need to release your MIL to a care center, please do not guilt yourself.  As the dementia progresses, so does the need for 24/7 care, and no one person can be that.  In my sister's case she has extreme disability, is huge too, I'm less than half her size, I can't help her with some things.  And it seems when I clean her kitchen, do her dishes, I'm enabling her, maybe I'll just quit.  She can't take out the garbage or get her mail and it's easier to get her groceries for her than to take her there so some things I can still do, but I have to work on creating more boundaries with her.  She has created this situation, not the dementia but the filth, etc.  And my never taking care of herself.

On 8/7/2021 at 6:25 PM, tnd said:

as just "playing victim", such as I was told today by my SIL.

OMG, are you kidding me!  You are going there because you're painted into a corner w/o options, but someday you will have some disability income and can apply for a group home or housing more to your liking, so don't give up hope just yet!  We are totally for you, in your corner.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, tnd said:

Are they afraid of something?

Yeah, afraid of catching it.  Loss reminds people of their own vulnerability and they avoid grievers or even being empathetic because "if it can happen to you it can happen to them."  Pure and simple.  They may not think out this thought process consciously, but it's underlying all the same.  Easier for them to "blame" us than empathize.

I'm sorry, humans can be the pits, now you see why I love dogs.  They are always understanding, empathetic, loyal, loving, accepting, never judgmental.  That we treat them as substandard and lesser than in our society sickens me.  Someone kills their neighbor's dog for no reason, the law does nothing (it's been here on this site recently) and if perchance they do, it's depreciate the cost of the dog and give you $100, for the loss of your truest companion!  It's vomit, a total slap in the face, nothing happens to the perpetrator.  I'm disgusted with our human race sometimes, not to mention our unjust laws of the land.

Let what your SIL says go out your ear, remember it as blah, blah, blah, blah.  Smile.   Love you!

[John9]

KayC,

I used to walk into my friends house when caring for him and say "have I told you lately that I hate people?" because of many factors but yes because of how "we" treat animals and people and the stupid things they do also. It also makes me angry to see "them" get away with the bad things that they do and are still alive to do more bad and "our" loved one died and were "good". I am not talking religion in this case just saying what I feel. Our legal system is a "joke" when it comes to "fairness" and understanding because of the way the laws are written and it is the same old story until it affects someone in a position to make changes it won't happen.

[KayC]

John, I couldn't agree more.

[tnd]

9 hours ago, John9 said:

Our legal system is a "joke" when it comes to "fairness" and understanding because of the way the laws are written and it is the same old story until it affects someone in a position to make changes it won't happen.

John9:  I agree. When I could still get out I would see children not properly dressed for the weather and looking as if they hadn't been bathed. I've seen parents take their young children out at all hours of the night (I hear/see them thru my bedroom window) when they should be home. Children will cry and get cranky inside a store but if you look at what time of day/night it is, they may need to be home eating dinner or in bed. Wonder why the parent doesn't think of that/them. I also see people let their young children run free across streets and parking lots, they could easily be ran over by cars. As for animals, I hate what I read in the news. Luckily I haven't witnessed abuse of animals but the news...OMG!  I cry and it makes me sick.

Around here at my apartment people love and respect their dogs. I live at a place that happens to allow Pit Bulls. I use to be afraid of those. Not now. Here at the apt, owners regularly walk and play with them. It is unbelievable. Sure, pit bulls are a commitment and need a good human but they can be very playful and loving. There is a lot of affection and interaction going on between dogs and their owners here. Never lived at such a place. Heck, I've seen almost nearly every breed of dog you can imagine here! For that reason, my husband had gotten me what is called "A Dog Bible" so I could identify them. The dog owners here are doing a fabulous job at taking care and loving their dogs. That is why I use to sit at my big living room window with my cup of coffee at certain points of the day, just to watch all the dogs being walked and played with. I called it "the Dog Parade". My husband enjoyed it too when he was home from work. But ever since my husband passed I cannot bring myself to watch the dogs anymore. It makes me too sad knowing that I will be gone soon and no longer getting to see them. So I keep the blinds closed now and stopped watching. Every time I hear a bark, I want to cry because I know exactly which dog(s) that do that. It is so hard. 

 

[John9]

tnd,

I am so sorry about the fact you are losing some of the last joy you have, I have sort of done the same since I lost my last Chihuahua. I no longer have to let any dogs out so the blinds on the door are closed to keep the "heat" out and I don't bother to open them and I no longer see the deer in the backyard area. My wife always like to sit out and watch the critters especially when they had "babies" running around and I understand the sadness parts because it just comes on all the time for "every" reason you can think of.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, tnd said:

I live at a place that happens to allow Pit Bulls. I use to be afraid of those

I have a friend who had a Pit Bull named Miss Piggy, she was the sweetest most gentle dog I ever knew.  She'd sit on my feet and look up at me with her big gentile eyes.  She lived to 19, died of cancer.  They aren't all the same, depends on how they're treated/raised, same as any animal.  I have a neighbor with one that sounds like he wants to tear into Kodie if we walk by, they do not fence him, they "catch him" before he attacks, which makes me extremely nervous, especially in light of Kodie's having been attacked twice in his young life.

17 hours ago, tnd said:

my husband had gotten me what is called "A Dog Bible" so I could identify them.

How cool is that!

17 hours ago, tnd said:

It makes me too sad knowing that I will be gone soon and no longer getting to see them.

I'm feeling this way too even though it hasn't happened yet, the threat is constantly with me that my home could burn up.  The fire is only two miles away and the firefighters are over-stretched, too many fires going on in the PNW.

[Diane R. E.]

Wow Kay; that sounds and looks like it's too close to stay there! How close does it have to be before they issue evacuation notice?

[tnd]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I have a neighbor with one that sounds like he wants to tear into Kodie if we walk by, they do not fence him, they "catch him" before he attacks, which makes me extremely nervous,

KayC:  That neighbor is an irresponsible dog owner. They are not doing their dog any favors by not keeping him fenced in because if the dog does attack anyone or another dog or animal, the authorities can apprehend the dog and even have it euthanized. I would be very nervous passing by this dog too. Please be very careful and keep aware of it. 

 

7 hours ago, KayC said:

he fire is only two miles away and the firefighters are over-stretched, too many fires going on in the PNW.

Dear god!!  That IS too close! I'm so sorry! That has got to be super scary for you and very stressful. I pray it will be alright. Please please keep safe! Be ready to evacuate. I know you are but I still wanted to reiterate that. You and Kodie's lives are the most important thing right now. I do not want to sound careless or cold because I know your home means a lot to you and not just in a financial sense, it's a big part of your life and who you are but, you might have to face losing it. But if you do and since you are over the age of 60 (considered a senior), you might have an easier time than me getting into housing or getting some sort of assistance. I know you don't want to hear this at a time like this but at least put it somewhere in the back of your mind for now. I pray you don't lose your home to fire. But if you do, then I will pray that you will be helped into a new home. Lordy, we don't need trouble like this!  Let us know how you are doing and don't forget we are here to lend our moral support and love.   

[Gail 8588]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

. . .  The fire is only two miles away and the firefighters are over-stretched, too many fires going on in the PNW.

Kay, 

Thinking about you tonight.  I read that some areas near the Kwis Fire  went from evacuation level 1 to evacuation level 2 today and that the Red Cross has an evacuation center set up at a high school, but they won't let you bring pets.  Can you go to your son's house? 

Could he at least take Kodie? 

I am sure you will figure out the best course of action. You are a remarkably resourceful person.  

Anyway, know I am praying for your safety tonight. 

Gail

[Gail 8588]

Kay,

It appears from the news that the cavalry has come to fight the Kwis fire today.  I hope they have arrived in timed to protect your home. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

Kwis is doing okay now, it's the fire that jumped the line and started a new fire, we had to leave last night. 

[KayC]

 

They deduct my mortgage from my ckg and can't afford rent on top of that.  
Trying not to get ahead of myself, one thing at a time.  Meanwhile I have no idea where they took my sister.

[John9]

KayC,

I hope all of this works out for you and Kodie and your sister (also everyone else)

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, KayC said:

Meanwhile I have no idea where they took my sister.

KayC:  FEMA or the Red Cross will probably know where your sister is. Do you have someone there (your other sister or your son) that can contact them to find out? Or if you need to, you can probably send a private message to one of us with your sister's name and one of us could call for you. Whatever you think we could do from a distance let us know. I know it's not much, or at least not nearly the same as what we could do if we were there but if you think of anything, post it somewhere where we will all see it or send a private message. I'd be happy to help in whatever way I can. 

 

 

[KayC]

I just got a text from my sister Julie that she's in Portland at Polly's.  Polly is blind I don't see how she can take her in or for how long.

[Gail 8588]

12 minutes ago, KayC said:

I just got a text from my sister Julie that she's in Portland at Polly's.  Polly is blind I don't see how she can take her in or for how long.

So is Julie in Portland with Polly?  Or is Peggy in Portland with Polly?

You have a lot of sisters. : )

No need to answer this.  I am sure you have tracked down all sisters and you know they are safe and sound. 

Hugs,

Gail

[KayC]

Julie and Polly both live near Portland.  Yes, lots of us.

 

[Larrys wife]

I feel the same way, just can't accept this new normal.  We had just got the good news that the cancer was gone and 10 days later he had a fatal heart attack . So sudden and unexpected.  I feel robbed. I feel like half of me is torn away. The pain was visceral. It's less now, but I don't know who I am without him.  I've had to return to running our business without him, so I haven't really had the time to grieve the way I need to, and still a part of me keeps expecting him to come home, as if he's just been away for treatment. It's irrational, I know.  I'm not insane, just a little crazy. I wake up and think, Oh no, I have to do this again.  People say that I will see him in heaven, and I will, but that could be 30 years from now....I feel like it will hurt this way forever, like nothing has meaning anymore.  It doesn't help that we don't have family nearby.  I have a friend who is going through the same thing, but with little grandchildren all around her, she has someone to hold, someone who misses him too.  Like you, I have no answers, only complaints and questions.  The other day I was wondering if people in heaven miss us the way we miss them, then I saw just now that others had those same thoughts. So we are.

[John9]

Larrys wife,

I feel the same way as you, I have not been "allowed" to grieve properly since most of my "life" is caring for MIL and trying to deal with everything else I have been through in last 19 months. I expect that IF MIL dies first and soon I will collapse, if not I expect the STRESS will finally do me in. I CAN'T live like this for years and years to see my wife in Heaven and that is the only thing that does keep me going is to be with her again. I can't end it myself because it would be too much for our son if I committed suicide and then I wouldn't be allowed to be with her either. So every morning when I wake up too early I say "Why am I still here".

 

[KayC]

And I hope you get an answer someday, John.  Things we've all thought...

I posted elsewhere about there not being any more tears, sorrow, pain in heaven, and since time is no more in that great beyond, I think they do not suffer this anguish as we do...perhaps when we're there it will have seemed but a moment to them, IDK.

[John9]

KayC,

18 minutes ago, KayC said:

I posted elsewhere about there not being any more tears, sorrow, pain in heaven, and since time is no more in that great beyond, I think they do not suffer this anguish as we do...perhaps when we're there it will have seemed but a moment to them, IDK.

I hope that sentiment is correct and to our loved ones they just "left" us. But you are sure aware if anyone is, that it isn't that way for us. Those are the things to keep me going for as long as I must. I just know I miss her so much and it hurts so much.

[tnd]

5 hours ago, Larrys wife said:

I feel the same way, just can't accept this new normal.  We had just got the good news that the cancer was gone and 10 days later he had a fatal heart attack . So sudden and unexpected.  I feel robbed. I feel like half of me is torn away. The pain was visceral. It's less now, but I don't know who I am without him.

Larrys wife:  I am so very sorry for your loss. I deeply sympathize with you. I feel much the same way. The pain IS visceral, goes very deep. Right now, each day just runs into the next, all blurred. I come on here to get support, the only place where I have friends who truly understand.   

[tnd]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

Larrys wife,

I feel the same way as you, I have not been "allowed" to grieve properly since most of my "life" is caring for MIL

John9:  I guess a lot of us are feeling this way. That's sad in itself. Bad enough our loved one has died but to be forced to set aside our grief to deal with other stresses is just over-the-top. It really chafes my hide now when I think about it.