How do I do this?

[John9]

KayC,

I am not a Bible scholar so I am not sure what the quote truly means about the former things, does it mean no connection to "us" anymore. I guess I just have to hold onto my HOPE and wait to see.

[tnd]

On 7/21/2021 at 1:59 PM, LMR said:

My husband will not show himself to me here. He will know that it will make it impossible for me to leave. I'm already afraid of leaving him behind.

LMR:  I'm sorry I don't know where it is written in the Bible but I think because God is, our loved ones are with us wherever we may go. I don't want to sound callous but I think if everyone was afraid that their loved one would be left behind no one would ever move. 

[LMR]

I know. Other people have told me the same thing. Logically I know this but my brain doesn't work logically anymore. I am still not past hoping that I will wake up in the morning and he will be back with me.

[John9]

tnd,

I believe that my wife is always with me in my "broken" heart wherever I am.

 

 

 

 

LMR,

I am also "stuck" wanting her to come home everyday because that is what she SHOULD be doing.

[tnd]

12 minutes ago, LMR said:

I am still not past hoping that I will wake up in the morning and he will be back with me.

LMR:  I pray for it every day. I feel as tho he is still around, just not here in the apartment. But by the time I get into bed at night the realization hits me. I won't be hearing his keys in the door anymore... 

Today was a little different. I couldn't find some paperwork I need and having to literally sift through the mountains of paperwork, junk and files in his home office here was maddening. I found myself actually feeling angry at him for not being organized and for "leaving me with this mess". I want him here but I am also a bit angry today.  

[Gail 8588]

8 minutes ago, LMR said:

 Logically I know this but my brain doesn't work logically anymore. 

LMR, 

I know what you mean about your brain not working logically anymore.  I could see that in myself as well. 

This may sound silly, but it is meant as a practical device to help your subconscious. 

I suggest you pick something that you know you can take with you that is closely associated with your husband. For example, his pillow, his slippers, just something that he frequently used and was personal to him. Then tell yourself, out loud and/or in your head, that he will know where to find you by this item.  You will always have this item with you, and he can join you by laying his head on his pillow, or slipping into his comfy slippers. 

Logically we both know this is not going to happen, but it is your subconscious that is anxious that he won't be able to find you. So give your subconscious something to hang on to.  As long as you have that item with you, you can know your love will find you. 

Sometimes we have to do weird things to reduce the stress we are feeling. 

I hope this sort of device can calm your worried mind. 

Gail

[John9]

tnd,

7 minutes ago, tnd said:

I found myself actually feeling angry at him for not being organized and for "leaving me with this mess". I want him here but I am also a bit angry today.  

I can understand this and I think it is okay to be angry about something that may have upset you if they were still alive. Sadly I had said for many years that if someone was a certain way when they were alive (mean or whatever) they are not a saint when they die. I don't say this out of meanness to anyone but I have said things about my wife that she wasn't perfect and she knew it and neither am I and I know it, we were just PERFECT for each other. We just worked together very well and IT DID WORK until this.

[Gail 8588]

8 minutes ago, tnd said:

. . . I found myself actually feeling angry at him for not being organized and for "leaving me with this mess". 

TND, 

I felt this way too.  

I love my husband tremendously. I was with him for 40 years, so I knew what a disorganized pack rat he was. (I am nearly as guilty as he on this matter.)  But after he died, and I had to deal with everything, and nothing was simple or straightforward, I was angry that he left me with such a mess. 

Even when I was angry, I would have cried for joy if he could have magically reappeared. 

It is an emotional roller coaster.

Gail

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I think that your suggestion is a very good one. I hope it works.

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I have always been organized because I have always been responsible in both home and work for all of the bills, etc.. My problems come from the fact I "might" need that paper from 1975 for something I don't have anymore (kidding but not). I hated to throw anything away that might be important so I filed it away and at the time it made sense but 20 years later not so much and that was why I was trying after my friend died to eliminate some and re-file other things to find it easier. I am now still trying to finish it.

[tnd]

I guess all of us are learning what it takes to be organized now. It's just hard to dive into right now because of grief and stress. And for me, as an "added bonus", I have Sarcoidosis and it seems to want to be in-charge of me. So I am fighting grief and then an illness that has a major impact on my physical abilities. Really ticks me off. And then today when I had to shuffle around and find some paperwork I need it really set me off. But I can't get too mad or too much in a huff because when I do, my oxygen level drops and it also triggers the pain. So I can't even be properly angry in the way that I want. But hey, I didn't cry yet today! 

[Gail 8588]

John9,

I applaud you for attempting to get rid of unneeded stuff and organizing what you keep. 

I got rid of a lot of stuff early on, but boxed up much of the stuff I wanted to go through and organize. Four and a half years later I still have those boxes. 

I really need to make an effort to deal with them. 

Gail

 

[John9]

tnd,

That really sucks that you can't be the way you need to be to process the grief. I am not in your position but I understand because I can't let go either because of MIL even though I just WANT to stay in bed or go back to bed. I have to say that you did better than me because I did cry and there hasn't been a day yet that I haven't multiple times (day 132). Anger is always at the surface and then frustration too because I am angry and that creates another loop cycle in my brain.

[John9]

Gail 8588,

 I think I kept too much and now everything needs to be checked and rechecked to make sure it doesn't contain any personal information so that slows it down and makes it take longer, it would be easier and faster if I could burn it instead of shredding it. And I have so much stuff from my friends estate and when we closed his business and.....I also have all of the things my wife kept because she was artistic and always was thinking of "projects" for the future when we had the time. Too much to do and not enough energy or desire to do it and trash day is only one day a week and don't want to hire a dumpster even though I could fill it since nothing means much anymore.

[tnd]

9 minutes ago, John9 said:

it would be easier and faster if I could burn it instead of shredding it.

John9:  I'm right there with you on that one. Since he lives out in the country, I am hoping my brother has a burn barrel. I've got to do something with my husband's work files. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, John9 said:

KayC,

I am not a Bible scholar so I am not sure what the quote truly means about the former things, does it mean no connection to "us" anymore. I guess I just have to hold onto my HOPE and wait to see.

No it doesn't mean no connection to us, it means heaven will be without tears and pain and what we'll have there is so much better than this flawed world.

I agree with Gail in keeping something personal of theirs to hold & remember...I will never let go of his bathrobe.  We used to sit in our bathrobes, it was our time, and loved cuddling together.

 

[John9]

I have her  "fingerprint" that the funeral home took and had made into a pendant that I am wearing around my neck. As far as clothing there was nothing that was "special" that had a connection she refused to wear a robe or slippers or anything that was "her" so I have the pendant and I hold it from time to time when I "talk" to her since I can't hold her hand anymore.

[SoVerySad]

On 7/23/2021 at 5:17 PM, LMR said:

I am still not past hoping that I will wake up in the morning and he will be back with me.

It has only been 2 months for me, I still wake up thinking that it was all a dream and that his accident didn’t really happen, and that I will go back to my “real” life with him in it. Of course I know that is not true, but I can’t help thinking it anyway.  I don’t want this to be real. 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, SoVerySad said:

It has only been 2 months for me, I still wake up thinking that it was all a dream

SoVerySad:  That's how I feel. I sit here and almost feel like he's still here, almost as if his breath is still in the air or will be coming through the door any moment. But it's night time and neither of us ever went out after dark. I know he wouldn't be coming through the door at this hour. So then I feel lonely without him and then sad. It's hard to think that this place went from being "our" place to just me in it now. Even if I was able to stay here I don't think I would because it no longer feels good.   

[LMR]

21 minutes ago, tnd said:

 It's hard to think that this place went from being "our" place to just me in it now. Even if I was able to stay here I don't think I would because it no longer feels good.   

I would stay here if I could, or at least keep the apartment to come back to. It has been our home for 26 years. Although I don't feel any presence every inch of it has memories. I can picture him in my mind doing all sorts of things from sleeping to writing to dancing in the kitchen. I'm afraid those pictures will fade when I leave.

 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, LMR said:

I would stay here if I could, or at least keep the apartment to come back to. It has been our home for 26 years.

LMR:  I don't know if I would feel the same but certainly understand where you're coming from. You and your husband lived there a long time, long enough to build memories and establish habits or a routine running about the place. We were only in our apartment for a year when I got sick and was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis. A year later my husband went downhill and entered the hospital. So we weren't here that long. In fact, I hadn't done much decorating to speak of. Not a single picture on the wall. We kept saying that we hadn't gotten to really enjoy the place yet. We talked about all the things we were going to do, including staying here. But whose to say that if we had been here 26 years that I wouldn't feel as you do. I'm sorry you can't stay in your apartment. It's so hard to move forward when feeling like we are leaving something behind. Doesn't feel right. Oh how I hate this.. 

[John9]

SoVerySad,

I am sorry that we all have to go through the feeling that you are having, I am 19 weeks (134 days) into this pain and it has always felt like a NIGHTMARE to me and I also don't feel like I will ever wake up from it. To me sadly it is TOO REAL and I don't like it. I know that she is with me in my "broken heart" and as long as I am alive se will be but I can't hug her and kiss her and hold her.......

[John9]

tnd and LMR,

My wife and I were in our house for almost 24 years, we moved into it in April 1997, we moved around our son's birthday while one of the Aunt's took him for the weekend (one of the ones who has never called). Anyway I say that to say that EVERYTHING in the house is/was placed or bought by or for her and everywhere I look is SHE is there. I feel as if I will NEVER move unless I am unable to afford or maintain the house and I already "warned" my son that if it comes to that his BUTT better be here because in the long run it would be to his benefit. When we first got together in 1986 I had a house I had lived in since 1971 that I had inherited and I had many memories when we sold it in 1997 and I still would dream about that house (when I dreamed) even after all of the time of being here in this one. I think that you will hold the memories of the life you had no matter where you go because as I said my wife is I believe always going to be in my "broken heart" no matter where I am. We didn't really have a lot of pictures up but she had just ordered some that I put up after she died but didn't get around to doing and I added some of her that she would not have wanted me to but they bring me comfort now at least. I am just rambling about my feelings on the topic and I know it isn't the same because I am not moving but if you can find that "something" that will connect you it might help.

[KayC]

My kids moved away for their jobs and it's been many years since they've been nearby.  Still, I wouldn't feel at home where they live.  This is my  town, my home, even though it's an old dilapidated mobile home, I've been here 44 years, at least it doesn't have copper wiring!  The trees, wildlife, water, that's what makes it home, that and all of the memories...even though I feel like I'm living with ghosts from the past, so to speak of.  I talk to George, I talk to Arlie, Kodie doesn't think me strange for doing it.

 

[John9]

KayC,

When we bought this home, now just a house I figured it was the last one we would have. My wife kept saying we/I needed a smaller yard (we have 2.7 acres) to cut as I got older (because she always worried about me) but since the majority is sitting on a tractor I said what difference does it make. So many of our pets are buried in the "yard" I wouldn't want to leave them but as I said before she was just "talking" and we weren't going anywhere unless absolutely necessary and even then we would have tried to figure something out. I don't like living too close to people because I went through that and I don't like knowing everyone's business because you can hear everything going on. The house is paid for and all I have is to maintain it and the taxes and insurance. I don't see a benefit to abandon "our" life at this stage even though "our" life ended when she died and my life is here with her things because it was all connected to her.

[tnd]

12 hours ago, John9 said:

I know it isn't the same because I am not moving but if you can find that "something" that will connect you it might help.

John9:  I do plan to take the framed pictures of my husband and our wedding photos with me. I have those displayed on the bedroom dresser. Although I won't be taking the dresser with me I am sure I will find somewhere to put them in my "assigned room" at my brother's. I also have a couple of his personal items, one of them being his old baseball cap and his wallet and the silver engraved money clip I gave him on our wedding day. He never used it and kept it in the jeweler's box it came in. I wanted him to use it, that was my intention but I also felt flattered that he thought enough of it to "keep it good".  

[tnd]

11 hours ago, John9 said:

The house is paid for and all I have is to maintain it and the taxes and insurance. I don't see a benefit to abandon "our" life at this stage even though "our" life ended when she died and my life is here with her things because it was all connected to her.

John9:  Your home sounds very nice -homey. Ideal. And I'd say that is smart thinking as far as keeping it as long as you can. That way you will have an asset to sell if you should need to downsize or go into nursing care. Or you can leave it to your son. Some people treat their home like it's an ATM cash card machine. They buy it, move in, furnish it with all the fancy-dancy shiny stuff and then...pull the equity out of it (what they call a cash out refinance) and then sell it and start again. They do it to make a buck off of it. Over and over. They never made memories in it and didn't care to. Not even for their children. Well, that's fine if that's what they want to do and can physically handle all that moving and afford it but the thing is, a lot of them really can't afford it. A lot of people live on plastic cash. It use to be that a couple would buy a home to raise a family in and make it a home. They'd stay there until the mortgage was paid off and then they'd retire. They'd only sell it when (unfortunately) one of them passed away or if they wanted to move and be snowbirds. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't like knowing everyone's business because you can hear everything going on.

I feel the same, hence I don't like "Oakridge Chat" and "Oakridge Uncensored" on FB because people aiir stuff they never should.  We don't want to hear drama and dirty laundry esp from strangers!

I feel the same as you about my place, it's home, it's where my memories are.

12 hours ago, tnd said:

He never used it and kept it in the jeweler's box it came in.

When my MIL died and I was cleaning out her stuff, I ran across a lot of things I gave her that she never used...not because she didn't like them, but because she treasured them!

I'm glad you have special things of his you'll be taking with you.  

[John9]

tnd,

 I had bought my wife some jewelry through the years and she would only wear it on "special" occasions and sadly those were fewer and fewer in the later years because of everything that happened, no free time for US. But of course there was always going to be "our" time when things settled down. I was always worried about my wife being in "this" situation and having to pay the Mortgage so we sacrificed to pay it off and yes it is one less worry but I would rather have her here with a Mortgage than no Mortgage AND no wife. I still have so many other worries right now that bother me and things would be easier without them, but as we all have found out life isn't easy and maybe for some it never was but we do what we do for as long as we can or have to. I want it to be over with but it isn't up to me is it.

[John9]

KayC,

I have NEVER believed in (anti) Social media and my wife had an account but she only had one to "attempt" to stay in touch with the family who didn't stay in touch even when she was alive. I "used" it after she died to try to contact some people who she knew but sadly that didn't really work out either. I had my son "memorialize" the account in case anyone were to try to find her in case they weren't aware of her death. I can only try to cover all bases but of course you can't think of everything but I tried my best.

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I had my son "memorialize" the account in case anyone were to try to find her

My wife's FB account was also memorialized by the kids. I don't do social media so I couldn't have done it. Not too long ago I punched in my wife's name in DuckDuck Go ( supposedly more secure than Google) and her Instagram account popped up. She only had food stuff and recipes on it and she had told me about it. It is massive, being that she loved everything about food. That was heartbreaking to look at, knowing that she would never be on it again.

[John9]

Sparky1,

My wife was not a "techy" but she was learning and when I went through her texts she had sent to her Aunt, she had taken many pictures of meals she had made and sent them to her to show how proud she was and how well it turned out. I also was very sad reading and knowing she would never be able to do that again. I miss the good times we had in the kitchen and the good life we had but I miss her the most and it is heartbreaking for me too.

[Sparky1]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

the good life we had but I miss her the most and it is heartbreaking for me too.

Yes, this past Saturday was exactly 9 months that my wife's been gone and let me tell you the heartache hurts just as much as always. I think about her night and day and miss her more than anything, I still can't believe she's gone. Tomorrow I am going by the mausoleum to visit her tomb, I try to go at least once a week and thankfully it has been open since covid restrictions have been eased up a bit. My spot is there  beside her waiting for when it's my turn to go.

 

[John9]

Sparky1,

Last Saturday was 19 weeks and next week is her Birthday and I know it will be hard for me and my Birthday will be exactly 6 months since she died and I am not sure if I will make it through both of those. We decided to be cremated and her ashes are on her dresser and I already ordered my urn to match hers. I "talk" to her everyday when I wake up and when I go to bed and whenever I walk by the dresser. I miss her and being able to hear her "answer" me.

[tnd]

10 hours ago, John9 said:

I want it to be over with but it isn't up to me is it.

John9:  No, apparently it is not up to us. But I have moments now where I sure wish it was. 

[John9]

tnd,

Every night when I go to bed I hope it will end and am sad every morning when I wake up. It is just too much.

[tnd]

Years and years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Then two years ago, Sarcoidosis. In a lot of ways, learning to live with the Fibromyalgia has helped me to live with the Sarcoidosis. I have even experienced a lot of death in my time. But very little of what I've learned has helped me with the grief of losing my husband. I can apply some of the mental and emotional strategy but what I am feeling goes beyond anything I have ever experienced or can comprehend. I don't know that we can "learn" how to cope with this kind of grief. I think we may just have to live with it to get through it and keep going until we can't. 

[John9]

21 minutes ago, tnd said:

I have even experienced a lot of death in my time. But very little of what I've learned has helped me with the grief of losing my husband. I can apply some of the mental and emotional strategy but what I am feeling goes beyond anything I have ever experienced or can comprehend.

tnd,

I too unfortunately have experienced a lot of death and I am feeling the same way as you, I have not been able to comprehend this level of pain and suffering. I guess I would have hoped that because I had so much "loss" in my life this would not have happened, it was never a discussion between us because it didn't seem like a possibility (even though we all will die). Life isn't FAIR and sadly we have all learned it the hard way (each in our own way).

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, John9 said:

I guess I would have hoped that because I had so much "loss" in my life this would not have happened, it was never a discussion between us because it didn't seem like a possibility (even though we all will die).

John9:  I expect to grieve a long time but I didn't expect to be alone here. I understand that my brother can't just rush to be here but I've been alone since last December and this is really really hard. If he and I didn't have somewhat of a good relationship, I doubt I'd make it much longer. I come on here for support and solace. Right now it's my security blanket. There's no other way of putting it.    

[John9]

tnd,

I fully understand and this is also my primary source of "interaction" because my only 2 people have jobs and a life that isn't me exclusively. The only problem is that the interaction isn't always "fast". But I understand that people aren't sitting at the "computer" waiting for "me". It really has helped me though.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, tnd said:

In a lot of ways, learning to live with the Fibromyalgia has helped me to live with the Sarcoidosis.

I understand...a lot like the tools I learned from having lost George helped me in learning to live with loss over Arlie.  We take what we've learned from the experience to help us in experiences in the future.  You are correct in that it is something we carry with us for life, there is no "getting over it."

 

[April Ballou]

How do I do this?  It's supposed to be our anniversary today.  But how can that be when he's not here?  It's coming up a year since Darrell died.  So many different times I cry praying to die myself.  Thinking the world would be better off if he were here and I was gone.  I'm supposed to wake up, we give each other a hug & kiss.  Tell each other " I love you" & "happy anniversary".  Now what?  

[Darlene13]

@April Ballou  I'm so sorry.  I just went through my first anniversary alone last month and the one yr anniversary of his death 3 days ago, and it was really hard.  Nothing to celebrate anymore, and friends and family don't want to bring up what day it is for fear of somehow making you sadder.  I gave myself time to cry and tried to keep busy otherwise because I didn't what else to do.  It helps a lot to come here where everyone understands.  Sending you hugs today...

[John9]

April Ballou,

I am sorry that today is HARDER for you and I understand why. There are always going to be triggers and I am not sure how any of US make it through whatever they are. Next Thursday will have been my wife's 54th Birthday and I am not looking forward to it. There are SO MANY things that just keep me so sad all the time and yes the waking up and "should" be doing this or that is TERRIBLE.

[KayC]

Try to occupy your time, maybe get out, I know it sounds lame but if chocolate helps...I know, nothing really helps.  There is no "fix" save the one thing we can't have. 

[John9]

Darlene13,

 

47 minutes ago, Darlene13 said:

Nothing to celebrate anymore, and friends and family don't want to bring up what day it is for fear of somehow making you sadder.

I am sorry that you have to deal with so much in the short timeframe and also the family and friends who aren't there too but if you are like me, I have told anyone who expresses the statement about making me sadder I say it isn't possible to make me sadder. I am always sad and the only thing that actually helps is if I do talk about my wife. I think they are more afraid about being sad themselves which is why so many "leave" us alone to grieve.

[April Ballou]

@John9 yeah his birthday was the 22nd of July.  All of this really stinks. All of us here are dealing with the same thing.  I'm sorry for all of us.  We all can get through this together.

[Darlene13]

@John9 You're right, the sadness is always there.  Sometimes I feel like it's settled into the depths of my soul.  I miss our life together and don't really know how to be happy with how my life is now.  I really hope somehow this depression lifts over time because it's hard to find joy in anything.

[John9]

Darlene13,

I agree as I have no joy or seemingly any positive emotions anymore because even if I start to SMILE, I am overcome with too many other emotional waves and I lose it and start crying. Today is 20 weeks for me (140 days) and as I said Saturday's are bad because she died on a Saturday and weekends were OUR time. I know we all are here because we all LOVE(D) our "spouses" and we all are hurting in our own way but this SUCKS in every way. It just takes every bit of energy just to keep going day to day and I don't want to do any more than I have to, there is no more WANT to only NEED to.

[LMR]

My brain has split in two. I find that I can even read a book and think about my husband at the same time. Of course what I read is not being retained. Maybe that is why I have watched some tv shows as much as five times! But I manage to socialise a little and hold conversations with friends all the while talking to HIM in my head.

Reality is a struggle. My brain is tired of trying to explain the unexplainable but I will never give up.