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How do I do this?


LMR

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@John9I am feeling the same way. I hate weekends now, it is the loneliest time. For me it is now one year and five days. I am crying more than ever. I don't know what the next stage is supposed to be but I don't think I will ever be getting there. I am able to interact when I have visitors, even smile, but I think that is as good as it will be from now on. I always end up a wreck afterwards because the whole time I am with someone else I am missing him and crying out for him but keeping it bottled up inside until I get home. Mostly it seems like I do things by remote control but the last few days I have struggled to do anything at all. I have to psych myself up but this week it isn't working. I already have a headache today. All day yesterday I was trying to talk myself into going for a walk but I never made it out of the door. Today is not looking to be any better.

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LMR,

I don't know what I am supposed to do, I rarely have any interactions unless I go "out" to perform absolute essential duties. MIL is basically housebound and I can only leave her for very short time and almost no visits but like you when I have a visit it makes the LONELINESS worse when they leave. The "promises" of a visit that falls through is also worse than just not coming, it's like the rug is pulled out from under me again. AND then.....We had a good life but, now not so much for me.

 

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59 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

I interact with people but I put on a happy face then go home and cry

April Ballou:  Whatever strength or will you have in you, I think it's good that you are interacting with people. Even if you go home and cry afterwards. Keep talking to people. Hopefully the more you do it the easier it will be to KEEP doing it. You might still cry but hopefully not as much. But I'd say if you are able to have people in your life and so long as they are friendly, I would keep interacting with them. Try not to isolate yourself. Pray for the courage and strength you need to get out and be with people.  

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1 hour ago, John9 said:

The "promises" of a visit that falls through is also worse than just not coming,

John9:  Maybe you already have done this but I'd call these people and let them know you'd visit THEM but can't leave your MIL. And then reiterate that you'd really like it if they could come visit. Maybe offer that you could order takeout food for when they arrive. Unless that's too expensive. Maybe offer a pot of coffee or tea instead. Doesn't mean you have to make an annoyance of yourself and beg every week but I would call them out on the carpet about it. Or ask if they "forgot" that they told you they'd come visit.    

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tnd,

The advice you gave April Ballou, is one of the reasons that you need to try as hard as you can to get help. YOU are needed here to help others with their grief and you own as well. YOU are a good person who deserves good things in your life, keep trying.

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1 minute ago, John9 said:

YOU are a good person who deserves good things in your life, keep trying.

John9:  Thank you for that. I will keep trying this week. I wonder if my brother thinks we are just having a bad spat and he wants to teach me a lesson. Only this is no spat and we've had very few in our lifetime. This is life and death. I have told him that there is no help here and that the shelters are full and there is no housing either. I told him that I do not want to die on the street (but I would because I can't last long on my little battery operated portable oxygen concentrator.) He knows all this and I've also apologized to him AND my SIL several times. But still silence. I found his twitter account and he's on it every day going on and on about football. That is his priority. Not calling or emailing me to say he accepts my apology (for something I really shouldn't be apologizing for). But that's who I am. I try to be the bigger person. Especially in this situation. Anyways, I've begged and begged and I get nothing but silence from him. Doesn't leave a person much choice. Maybe it was meant to be. I do not know. Thanks for the kudos. I will keep trying but only have about another week.  

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9 minutes ago, tnd said:

Maybe offer that you could order takeout food for when they arrive. Unless that's too expensive.

It's "funny" or ironic that you mention this, I have said my wife was a pet groomer since 1989 and the last few years some "clients" gave her gift cards for Restaurants and with Covid and MIL and ... we never got around to using them, we discussed starting to use them but never got the chance. Anyway I told them that I could or they could order with the cards and bring the food here but they don't seem to want to do it, so at that level money isn't the issue since the cards are going to waste because nobody is using them. The Restaurants are too far away for me to pickup and leave MIL alone and too difficult to take her so.....

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12 minutes ago, John9 said:

The Restaurants are too far away for me to pickup and leave MIL alone and too difficult to take her so.....

John9:  I wonder if they have a website and you could use the gift cards to order food to be delivered ?? But even so, offering to give them the cards to use to order food and bring it over while they visit you should have been their cue to do it. The very fact that you can't leave your MIL should be telling them this. I am so sorry...after our spouses passed the world has gotten colder. Meaner. A bit evil if I should say so. 

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15 minutes ago, tnd said:

I am so sorry...after our spouses passed the world has gotten colder. Meaner. A bit evil if I should say so. 

I agree. Precisely why I posted "kindness". It gave me hope for the world.

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10 minutes ago, tnd said:

I am so sorry...after our spouses passed the world has gotten colder. Meaner. A bit evil if I should say so. 

Sadly, the world didn't get colder after they died, it is just without them here to help us we see things differently now. My wife had commented how bad things were but we were there for each other and that was what mattered. We were lucky enough that most major things we avoided the issues and it was just depressing to hear all of the time but now it is so much more so. When you are sad you seem to be more aware of sadness, and when things go wrong you seem to notice more or at least I am noticing it more so it is a cause and effect. That is why now I hate the rainy days more than I ever did before and if I am still here when the weather turns colder I will dread that too. I just seem to notice more of the evil now like you do now.

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We stopped watching the news, we just couldn't handle all the negativity. We just checked the headlines in case there was something we needed to know. I check it even less now. If I can't fix it or at least make a difference then I don't need to know.

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9 minutes ago, John9 said:

Sadly, the world didn't get colder after they died, it is just without them here to help us we see things differently now.

You're right, John9. Before my husband had gone into the hospital we were making an effort together to avoid negative things and people. Can't always avoid it but we knew to avoid certain things and to look for the more positive things in life. My husband struggled with that a little but we kept bouncing things and ideas off one another. We kept each other going. And now without him, that is a huge loss. I've only got one oar now to row the boat and the boat is taking on water. 

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7 minutes ago, LMR said:

We stopped watching the news, we just couldn't handle all the negativity. We just checked the headlines in case there was something we needed to know.

LMR:  That's what my husband and I did. I thought it was helping. My husband said that he felt that it was being done on purpose...that there were bad people wanting us to stop watching the news, that it was all a part of some demonic plan that an elite group had. Now, he wasn't the paranoid type, he was a very intelligent man with a high IQ and educated. He was a big reader and big thinker. But I felt he was thinking of politics and I just didn't want to discuss politics anymore or to watch it on TV or to read about it. Altho I will admit, sometimes I wondered if he was right. My feeling (and I kept telling him this) was that it reminded me of the Bible story and the days of Noah. Surprisingly, my husband did not disagree. He knew the Bible like the back of his hand so he knew what I meant. But still, no matter, I try to stay away from anything negative.      

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11 minutes ago, tnd said:

I've only got one oar now to row the boat and the boat is taking on water. 

tnd,

At least you still have a boat and an oar:lol: I feel like I am being pulled underwater and struggling to breathe. I said I had the dream where I was drowning and I still feel that way. If only it was so simple as to dream it and it is so.

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3 minutes ago, John9 said:

I said I had the dream where I was drowning and I still feel that way. If only it was so simple as to dream it and it is so.

I'm drowning too. In tears. I dreamt that I was being chased by monsters who wanted to kill me but I stopped to eat a Ribeye steak. I suppose the chase will continue the next time I fall asleep. 

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2 minutes ago, tnd said:

but I stopped to eat a Ribeye steak.

Rib-eye was my wife's favorite steak and if and when it was ever on sale she would try to buy some. This was her favorite time of year because she loved to grill. Everything is just so wrong now, a perfect example of how things bring me no joy anymore. We did enjoy our food and now I don't care if I eat or not no enjoyment, no pleasure, nothing.

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3 hours ago, John9 said:

We did enjoy our food and now I don't care if I eat or not no enjoyment, no pleasure, nothing.

Absolutely no enjoyment whatsoever now. And food? Not a priority anymore. 

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April Ballou

Yeah I fix quick fix meals because I hate leftovers.   The only time I cook is when my family is having a get together.   I eat because I'm hungry but nothing tastes the same.  Darrell a good steak

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7 hours ago, John9 said:

. . . we were there for each other and that was what mattered.  . . .

John9, 

I think when we were together with our soulmates we had the feeling that we could get through anything together.  Illness, loss of a job, family or friends treating us badly, whatever rough patch came our way, together we would get through it okay.  

Life has lots of challenges.  It always has. But they do seem so much harder to face, and overcome, now that we have lost our soulmates. 

My best friend is a woman who divorced her husband over 30 years ago. She raised her children alone. Her ex left her in debt and never gave support.  It was all very hard, but she was very self-sufficient, because she had to be. There was no one to help her. 

I feel like such a whiny person telling her how much I miss my husband, how hard everything is without him. I know at times she must be rolling her eyes thinking "Pull up your big girl pants and get on with life like I had to."  

I really admire how self-sufficient she is. I wish I could feel that way. But after 40 years of having my true love by my side, through thick and thin, it is daunty to even try to do anything. 

Together, I always knew we would be okay, come what may.  Alone, I don't know what the future holds. 

I have finally, after 4 years, started trying to live in this new reality but it does feel like I am on a high wire without a safety net.

Gail

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8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I think when we were together with our soulmates we had the feeling that we could get through anything together.  Illness, loss of a job, family or friends treating us badly, whatever rough patch came our way, together we would get through it okay.  

Life has lots of challenges.  It always has. But they do seem so much harder to face, and overcome, now that we have lost our soulmates

8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Together, I always knew we would be okay, come what may.  Alone, I don't know what the future holds. 

11 hours ago, tnd said:
10 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I eat because I'm hungry but nothing tastes the same.  Darrell a good steak

Absolutely no enjoyment whatsoever now. And food? Not a priority anymore. 

I had many bad things happen to me before I ever met my wife and it was always hard when nobody helped me, After we got together 35 years ago and then married 34 years ago we figured out how to be the "support" the other needed and you are all right, I don't want to and am having much trouble alone suddenly doing what should be done. I was the one who did the bulk of handling all of the "stuff" because she didn't "want" to and a I didn't mind it but when there was a problem we worked together to solve it. Now "WE" can't solve the problems that I have to deal with and right now MIL is at the "problem" stage.

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9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

it does feel like I am on a high wire without a safety net.

Yes, it feels exactly like that and as long as I've been doing this, I still feel that way, not holding my breath all the time, but whenever something big comes along, which it seems to a lot.  The truth is, when we had each other we always felt that safety/comfort.

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8 hours ago, John9 said:

Now "WE" can't solve the problems that I have to deal with and right now MIL is at the "problem" stage.

John9:  I know what you said about why you are taking care of your MIL but, I really wish there was some help for you from a city program. I didn't know her but I wouldn't think your wife or anyone's spouse for that matter, would expect their loved one to take on such an enormous responsibility that has become a hardship as well. Maybe there are respite programs for caregivers in your area. You need a break so you can properly grieve. You are not just taking care of an elderly person but someone with dementia. That's a double-whammy. 

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4 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

 Of course you would still have to find a different apartment - are there any vacant apartments near where you live? Also, since you have not heard back from APS, have you tried calling the number for your county social service department and asked to speak for an intake worker? I will keep praying that something will work out for you. 

Diane R.E.:  Thanks for providing those links, Diane. And yes, I've already researched them. Every place in these programs are full. No vacancies. The rep with APS has been in contact with me, she asked for the name of my apartment manager. Why, I don't know yet. But the apartment complex I live in does not participate in voucher programs or Section 8 or HUD programs. And I cannot afford a smaller/cheaper apt here because of....no income right now.     

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tnd,

15 minutes ago, tnd said:

But the apartment complex I live in does not participate in voucher programs or Section 8 or HUD programs. And I cannot afford a smaller/cheaper apt here because of....no income right now.  

I know that it may not be an ideal situation but if there is an apartment that does participate maybe it will get you to the next stage until SS comes through for you and a little less pressure for you. One step at a time, one stage at a time, Housing, Income, Peace of mind not having to worry about Brother/SIL. If the right connection is made for you then hopefully it will all work out.

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6 minutes ago, John9 said:

I know that it may not be an ideal situation but if there is an apartment that does participate maybe it will get you to the next stage until SS comes through

John9:  I wouldn't care where I live altho some of these places are always in the news for crime/drugs/murders/shootings. I once mentioned this option to my brother and funny, he said "no way" would he let me live in one of those places. And now look...

It was sad, there was a man about my age living in one of those places and he was found dead stuffed in a closet and no suspects. They only went to check on him when other tenants complained about the smell. They figured he had been there a good month or two. And this was a place that receives federal dollars and it is run down and no one regularly checks on the tenants. Being in the shape that I am and on oxygen, I'd be easy prey. But if offered, I'd take a place. At least no one could say I went down without a fight. But what I am being told is "No vacancies" right now. It's the street or the peacefulness of my own bed. 

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5 minutes ago, tnd said:

But if offered, I'd take a place. At least no one could say I went down without a fight.

I do firmly believe that you will not give up without trying and it is that hope that I for you. It is a shame that the "housing" that receives money to help people are notorious for not being well maintained or very safe. Another example of decisions made and no real follow through. I can only hope you are "placed" in a safer location than what you speak of. Always hoping for the best for you.

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4 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

It seems like I'm an outsider.  Even in the photo all you can see of me is my face.

April Ballou:  I'm sorry that despite having what appears to be a large family that you feel like an outsider. With all those people you should be getting more moral support. I understand that unless people have been through what we are they may not completely understand us and the type of support we need. But still, it's no excuse for people to make someone in their own family feel like an outsider. It's very discerning. 

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April Ballou:  I was reading some articles on grief and thought of you when I read this one. It talks about putting things in a self-care basket for yourself to help while grieving. 

Here's the link. 

Grief Healing: Voices of Experience: My Self-Care Basket (griefhealingblog.com)  

 

 

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April Ballou

@tndthanks.  The thing is most of them are actually Darrells family.  His mother, stepdad, two brothers, nieces, and nephews. The only family that I actually have are my children and grandchildren.   I have nobody in my home with me.  

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8 hours ago, tnd said:

April Ballou:  I was reading some articles on grief and thought of you when I read this one. It talks about putting things in a self-care basket for yourself to help while grieving. 

Here's the link. 

Grief Healing: Voices of Experience: My Self-Care Basket (griefhealingblog.com)  

 

I am friends with the lady who wrote that, I immediately remembered when she wrote it.  This is the place I've been for 16 years, the owner is my mentor/friend/counselor/guide.  I've learned so much there.

I'm glad you got to celebrate your mom's special day.  I wish you felt the support from all of them you so deserve.

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Larrys wife,

 I feel as you do, I am extremely disappointed when I wake up because it means I have to do it all over again without HER. It is harder and harder to do even the things I need to do because I just don't care anymore. I had to get rid of her car because without her and her working, I couldn't afford to keep it and it was a gas hog too with the "new" fuel prices. I am definitely not very patient right now and am ANGRY all the time and each day is worse. I hope that as April's day approaches she is LOVE(D) as I hope for all of us as we reach the "sad" milestones in our journey through this painful process.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

I am friends with the lady who wrote that, I immediately remembered when she wrote it.  This is the place I've been for 16 years, the owner is my mentor/friend/counselor/guide.  I've learned so much there.

KayC:  That's awesome! I've been reading a lot of the links on that blog, I think some of which you had suggested. I find the ones that I think I can apply to any part of my own situation and grief. Sometimes seeing it in black/white helps. As for the self-care basket, I did something similar back when I was younger and single and going through a very rough time. I kept a basket full of various bath soaps, bath beads, bath oils, bubble bath, etc. When I wanted to pamper myself I had a wide selection to choose from and soak in a nice long hot bath. Was cheap, too. I shopped at dollar-type stores so every time I'd go I made sure to pick "a little something up" for myself without breaking the bank. I kept my basket nice and full so by the end of a long day or long week, it "called to me". Was psychologically pleasing during a time where I had very little joy in my life. Also made my apartment smell good. lol  

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15 minutes ago, John9 said:

I choose that it is a sign from my wife because these are "her" flowers she planted last year

 

John9:  Love it!! That's probably as clear a sign as any! I always forget what these flowers are but love them. I'm glad your wife gave you a sign, showed a little of herself today. I'd frame the picture. And then maybe next year or whenever their season is, plant some more. Funny, it wasn't going to be the roses...it's these little bright cheery guys. Made me smile. Just even a small smile helps us I think. Hope it helps you, especially said you mentioned it had been a bad day there. Sorry for that. 

Had to edit to say I think those are Nasturtiums ?? 

 

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tnd,

It did make me feel a little better because I swear they weren't there before, because I have been pulling all of the weeds out of the pots because I didn't plant anything. I "think" that they are petunias but that was her thing not mine. Like I said there were 3, 1 in each planter but the picture size was too large to send it.

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5 minutes ago, John9 said:

I "think" that they are petunias but that was her thing not mine

John9:  I think you're right, they're Petunias. The leaves of Nasturtiums are different. I googled it. Petunias they are from your "Petunia"!! Lucky you to be getting a sign. 

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Wow, that is definitely a sign John. They are Petunias as my wife and I always bought hangers with them for our mobile home up north.

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April Ballou

@John9 those are petunias.  @Larrys wife it's ok that you called me angel.  Nobody is perfect.  I'm sorry to hear about your husband.  I sold several things, even gave things away.  Darrell had a motorcycle,  I knew that it was too big for me so I sold it.  He had several knives, I bagged them up and took them around family members and gave them away.  Some things I kept, some things I still havent touched, his shop and tools that are inside. All of this stinks, hate being by myself.

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22 hours ago, Larrys wife said:

Sorry April for calling you "Angel".. Freudian slip? since you are so kind.

Haha, I looked all over for someone named "Angel," thinking I'd missed it!  This gave me a chuckle, thanks!  ;)

21 hours ago, tnd said:

KayC:  That's awesome! I've been reading a lot of the links on that blog,

That place saved my life when I needed it.  The traffic there has dwindled, sadly, MartyT is the owner/adm AND a retired grief counselor, she's one of the best I've known and she has a wealth of knowledge, I've gotten so much resources from her over the years I've collected bookmarks on!

19 hours ago, John9 said:

I choose that it is a sign from my wife because these are "her" flowers she planted last year

That is so special!  It goes without saying that it brightened your day.  Her gift that keeps on giving!

19 hours ago, John9 said:

the picture size was too large to send it.

If you're on a PC or laptop, you can open the picture in paint and resize/crop it to the right size...I always have to do that with any pictures I take with my camera as I don't know how to change the camera setting (NOT a techy!) I usually make things 20% of what they were so I can post.

15 hours ago, April Ballou said:

it's ok that you called me angel.

And you seem one. :wub:

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