I watched my husband die

[MichelleKaavarnos]

I found this site tonight desperate to find something and someway to help me. And have people know what I am feeling.

I just wrote about how I lost my mom in January this year from covid. 

But 3 and a half years ago, while living in London with no friends or family, Nick got up in the middle of the night. And for him to suffer that badly i know it must have been serious because he never felt any pain. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital twice, he said no. I had a bad feeling. I just had a feeling something was wrong and i didn't know what to do.

He came to bed and i thought to myself in the morning he will be ok. Something made me listen to his breathing, and for a couple minutes he was fine, then he was struggling to breathe and making horrid sounds and slipped off the bed to the floor. Nick was over 6ft. I couldn't move him. I was looking him in the eye, he was there, but after a second I saw the exact moment that he was gone. I called the paramedics and it took them an hour to get his heart beat back. 15 Minutes is a long time. He went straight into ICU.  That night his pupils were unresponsive so he went for a brain scan which came worse than anything I could ever dream. Basically he was brain dead.This happened friday night/saturday morning around 3. The following Monday at 8;10 he died. 

I had to pack up our entire flat in London, sort out paper work in a foreign country. Went to Greece for his funeral and was back home in Cape Town about 2 weeks later. My life changed forever.

That feels like another lifetime ago. I feel like I have told the story so many times that it feels like the plot to a movie. Not about how i Lost my husband. I had known him for 9 years. Married 11 months. 5th of February this year was 3 years without him. Now, 3 and a half. 

Time has never gone so fast and so slow at the same time. 

My heart is shattered in a million pieces and will never be completely healed.

This last sunday was 6 month since i lost my mom. This isn't my life anymore. I did this even happen. Why did it happen to me? 3 and a half years later and it feels like it was yesterday.

[Roxeanne]

I'm so sorry Michelle...too much pain, you are so young...it's unfair and awfully hard!

Take care of yourself hugs Roxi

 

[Sparky1]

Michelle, I am very sorry for your loss. Your story is very touching and I sympathize with you. I lost my wife almost 9 months ago and I understand when you say that it seems like a long time ago and yet it also feels like it was yesterday. There are moments when my brain thinks my wife is still here and the realization that she's not hits me like a train. Hopefully by reading our experiences here, you can find some comfort.

 

[slrittz]

Michelle, I'm so sorry for the losses you have suffered.  I found this site recently as well, and it has been very helpful to have all of the crazy feelings I am experiencing validated.  I lost my husband/best friend/soul mate of 38 years three months ago and the numbness is just starting to wear off and the realization that he is really gone is setting in.  I truly don't know how I am going to cope, but I know he would be furious with me if I gave up. 

I pray that your heart will heal gently.

Sharon

[tnd]

1 hour ago, slrittz said:

I truly don't know how I am going to cope, but I know he would be furious with me if I gave up. 

slrittz: I think the same thing. That my husband would not want me to give up. That thought is nearly the only reason I'm still here. 

[tnd]

9 hours ago, MichelleKaavarnos said:

My life changed forever.

MichelleKaavarnos: I offer you my condolences. I am very sorry that this happened and that you have lost the love of your life. And I am sorry for the loss of your mother. None of us should have to be put through this pain. It is by far the worst. My life has certainly been changed forever too. It's hard because one day we have one life and the next, it's suddenly all different, all changed. And it's not like we can tell someone to take it back for a redo. We are just stuck with dealing with it. I don't like being "stuck" or forced to do anything but in this instance, we kind of are. Well, I guess we can choose to somehow be patient with ourselves through the grief or else we can just give up. I lost my mother eight years ago and wish she were here to help me. Just to talk to. It's hard. But I don't think my husband would want me to give up. So I have to keep going, hoping and praying I make it through tomorrow. One day at a time. Be easy on yourself, take good care of yourself and do what you feel makes you feel at all comfortable..eat, sleep, cry or get out for a walk or to sit at a park. Whatever you feel up to. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, MichelleKaavarnos said:

Time has never gone so fast and so slow at the same time. 

I am so sorry for your loss, but am glad you found your way here.  It sounds like you've been through a lot already these past months, having to move, everything!

This is a journey I wish no one ever had to take, and yet I've learned more on this journey (it's been 16 years) than in the rest of my life put together.  I'd trade all for five more minutes with him.  I hope you will continue to come here and read/post, it helps.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Diane R. E.]

14 hours ago, slrittz said:

I know he would be furious with me if I gave up.

This really makes me ponder the notion of "giving up". What does that even mean? There have been many, many times I have thought that I just want to give up, but then I don't know how to actualize it. I know I would not kill myself, but continuing on this path of grief is absolutely no fun, as you all realize. Michelle; I also watched my husband die - he was also in ICU and on a ventilator. I'm so glad I was there and able to tell him how much I love him and was embracing him when his heart stopped,  but it's still a horrific experience.

[slrittz]

I also my watched my husband take his last breath in our home.  I was able to hold his hand and tell him how amazing my 38 years with him had been. We overcame so much in out early years and ultimately made our retirement dreams come true.  When I say give up, I mean just sit here and wait to join him.  I know he would be so mad at me if I did that.  I hold on because the house he designed is being built and I know he wants me to see it through.  I will live in it, but it will not be as joyful as it would have been with him.

I don't know who I am anymore, I don't feel like I belong any where.  I still say "we" when talking about the house and other things.  I'm lost and I don't know what to do with myself.  

[tnd]

4 hours ago, slrittz said:

I hold on because the house he designed is being built and I know he wants me to see it through.  I will live in it, but it will not be as joyful as it would have been with him.

slrittz:  I am so sorry that you won't get the chance to live in your new home with your husband, that is so sad. I don't think I would find it as joyful either without my husband. Maybe after you move in you will reach a point where you feel comfortable living there and find peace in knowing that your husband would be glad that you like the house. That is what keeps me going right now....the thought that my husband would want me to keep going. But it's hard. Very hard. If it were easy that would mean our husbands were still alive and that's not the case. So we have to face this difficulty but go with the hope that they'd want us to keep going. Hopefully those of us grieving will figure these things out.   

[slrittz]

Thank you.  I know that you are right.  Even my contractor told me my husband was doing this for me.  I just miss him so much and I miss our friendship so much.  We did everything together; where he was is now an empty void.  I just get from one minute to the next, with no expectations of what each day will bring.  I feel like I am just going through motions.  But that is okay for now.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, slrittz said:

I just miss him so much and I miss our friendship so much. 

slrittz:  I miss my husband very much too. And it was a friendship, just like you say. I find myself wanting to tell him something and actually start to turn my head to tell him and then catch myself, realizing he's not here. I keep doing that. The place seems so quiet and empty without him. It makes it more sad to not be able to talk to him.  

[slrittz]

I know. When I would go out on my kayak in the morning I would call him so many times to tell him what I saw; fish jumping, parasailers, beavers…nothing was ever really real until I told him about it… I don’t know if anything will ever be real again…

[KayC]

23 hours ago, slrittz said:

I still say "we" when talking about the house and other things.

I still say "we" when going back in time...kind of like referring to my son as "little Paul" when telling a story about him from when he was little (he's 37 now).

[Gail 8588]

21 hours ago, slrittz said:

... I would call him so many times to tell him what I saw; fish jumping, parasailers, beavers...

My husband and I did this all the time. He would call me at work to say there were rosette spoonbills in front of the house, or ibis in the yard. I'd call him to say I moved a gopher tortoise out of the road.  We shared all these minor events for 38 years, building a bond between us that touched every fiber of our being. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

Welcome, Michelle.  I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here, but I promise this is a really good place to be.  It's exactly the place to vent, rant, question, and even "scream" if that's what you need to do.

As you can see on my profile, yesterday was 3 years since I lost my beloved husband.  I miss him every bit as much today as I did the first morning I woke up knowing I was truly alone.  Some days are still pretty awful, painful, and with waves of grief washing over me.  But now some days have some happiness.  A different kind of happiness, to be sure, as I will never be happy in the same way as before.  It's taken me this long to truly get to a place where every smile and each little laugh don't feel a betrayal of him and our love.  Even so, there are days when I do feel guilt for enjoying anything at all--never mind that he would want me to.  I won't let a single other person tell me what John would or would not want.  No one knew him like I did. 

Over the years we talked, both seriously and in jest, about what would happen when one of us died.  I told him I'd want him to find a companion, a woman, to spend time with, but that she would be required to use my personal cookbook and baking recipes. And she must be willing to nourish him and keep him healthy.  And she must think his smile that goes all the way into his beautiful blue eyes is the most wonderful thing in the world.  He never had quite specific ideas about it, but said he was comforted knowing that there are half a dozen men in our lives who he could trust to watch out for me, help with things I couldn't do (house and yard projects, etc., which they have done), and make sure I was safe and secure.  He said he knew it was stupid to say, "I'd want you to be happy," but he did want me to make a life for myself that I could live with some happiness.

The pandemic set back my grief journey, no doubt about it, but being forced back into being alone (rather than the first 8 months or so when I was a hermit by choice) gave me time to think and process and be here every day.  It helped the memories and images of 35 years and all that was wonderful, silly, and even mundane come forward to mix together with the devastating months of his cancer fight and the searing and painful images of his last day with me by his side.  Like you, I watched my husband take his last breath.  Here we know that there is no way to explain how it feels when your heart  and life shatter into tiny pieces and you know that it will never be put together again, at least not in the same way.

On 7/8/2021 at 12:26 PM, MichelleKaavarnos said:

I had to pack up our entire flat in London, sort out paper work in a foreign country. Went to Greece for his funeral and was back home in Cape Town about 2 weeks later. My life changed forever.

Oh, gosh, that makes everything so much harder.  Not only were you in shock, but you had to upend everything with no time to simply be and to begin your grieving. Are you settled in Cape Town so that you've at least had time to breath?  And to lose your mom as well is heartbreaking.  It's no wonder you're struggling even more.

On 7/8/2021 at 12:26 PM, MichelleKaavarnos said:

That feels like another lifetime ago. I feel like I have told the story so many times that it feels like the plot to a movie. Not about how i Lost my husband. I had known him for 9 years. Married 11 months. 5th of February this year was 3 years without him. Now, 3 and a half. 

Time has never gone so fast and so slow at the same time. 

Exactly.  Some days it feels as if I lost my husband yesterday; other days it's as if I'm watching a distant movie of something that never really happened.  I say it's like both yesterday and forever ago.  I have not found any way to reconcile the two.  They co-exist with the reality that I will always grieve for him.

 

On 7/9/2021 at 11:09 AM, slrittz said:

I don't know who I am anymore, I don't feel like I belong any where.  I still say "we" when talking about the house and other things. 

It's so hard to go from being half of an "and" to "just one."  I'm only now figuring out where I fit in the life I'm trying to forge without him.  Especially when I'm around couples, even family and best friends, who are all with their spouses, I feel awkward and like I don't belong.  Plus, there are times I am actively angry that they all still have each other.  Then I feel very "small" inside for thinking it.

I still say "we" "our" and "us" often.  I don't care if that makes me seem weird.

[tnd]

18 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

He would call me at work to say there were rosette spoonbills in front of the house, or ibis in the yard. I'd call him to say I moved a gopher tortoise out of the road.

Gail8588:  Just got a little chuckle. Sounds like you and your husband enjoyed life itself. The simple things, the beauty and smiles that nature provides us with. I chuckled because my husband and I were like that, too.  

[slrittz]

23 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

My husband and I did this all the time. He would call me at work to say there were rosette spoonbills in front of the house, or ibis in the yard. I'd call him to say I moved a gopher tortoise out of the road.  We shared all these minor events for 38 years, building a bond between us that touched every fiber of our being. 

Gail

We were married 38 years too. Over half of our lives. It’s getting harder everyday instead of easier 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

Gail8588:  Just got a little chuckle. Sounds like you and your husband enjoyed life itself. The simple things, the beauty and smiles that nature provides us with. I chuckled because my husband and I were like that, too.  

John and I were that way too.  We live by the coast and he'd take these round-about ways to get to town or wherever that took us by the most scenic places.  He'd say, "We pay a premium to live in this beautiful place.  We're going to treasure it."  We'd have an outing walking through the local nature preserve or driving to a cove and then walking along the beach collecting pretty rocks.  We'd go to the plentiful free concerts and have a picnic.  We'd go to the fishing town and sit by the water eating fresh fish and chips.  These were what made us happy. 

I think it's a real grace in our lives to be able to truly enjoy the simple, little things.