No reason

[WhoamInow]

I came to this place to find safety in my words and some sort of a “fix it” I have discovered that a lot of folks use the same words: 

hang on

give it time 

Its going to get better

Approaching 4 months of my husbands death his birthday is days away, I’m caring for my father in law he’s 92 and he’s struggling with the death of his youngest son to. I have determined that for some it’s means nothing at all just back to life after a burial. For others they may die themselves within hours, days, or months after a death. For me I’m drained, lost, unable to give a damn about living. Some say you have kids and grandkids. Well yes I do. But there lives went on immediately their father died...ok. I also have 2 dead parents. “ I use the word dead not as an insult but as truth” no one is lost or expired it’s dignity for me to say they died. So a parent that dies is difficult but my honeybee dying is life altering and I’m not going to “get over it” or give it more time” look for joy, or anything else it doesn’t work. Constant distraction works. I can’t effectively care for others anymore, after 42 years of being a very good compassionate care provider I absolutely don’t care. I’m ranting probably not making any sense, simply random words that pop up. So can we try to listen read better to the post here. Stop please saying give it time, it’ll get better. It’s RAW and tell us newbees the truth this mourning sucks and no matter what anyone says, it’s not going to get better in time. It may fade but never better. Just my opinion thank God I’m an American, free speech

[realdonna]

I am so sorry for your loss and already I understand your reaction to people talking about "time"....my husband died not even 3weeks ago and I am already tired of hearing that....they may be right  but  it is not comforting....and, no, we will never "get over" such a love.....i'm with you...

[LMR]

If you read back through the posts you will see that we have all agreed that you never "get over it". Absolutely the wrong thing to say. It will stay with us forever we just find ways of living with it. What choice do we have.

Yes everyone mentions time but that's the truth of it. A lot of time! I lost my husband a year ago. I still cry every morning and every night and at odd moments throughout the day. Sometimes I cry the whole day long. For me it is getting worse right now because I cannot find a way for my brain to make sense of it. He was my life and I don't know how to live without him. I have to trust what other folk say. Perhaps " it gets better"is not the way to put it. Maybe it should be "we get stronger". I hope I will get there someday.

[KayC]

On 7/8/2021 at 6:04 AM, WhoamInow said:

Stop please saying give it time, it’ll get better.

I'm sorry that offends you but some find comfort in hearing that, it points us hope.  What offends one brings hope to another, we can't know how people will be affected by something, it's very individual.  That "time" takes a LONG time.  Four months is a drop in the bucket in the scheme of things.  I know people want relief NOW!  So did I.  There is none.  You say you like the truth, so do I.

22 hours ago, LMR said:

Perhaps " it gets better"is not the way to put it. Maybe it should be "we get stronger".

There IS no one perfect way to phrase something, someone won't like it.  We try not to offend here, but it happens even if we try to avoid certain terms/words.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, WhoamInow said:

It’s RAW and tell us newbees the truth this mourning sucks and no matter what anyone says, it’s not going to get better in time. It may fade but never better.

I am sorry if any of us have given you the impression we think or experienced otherwise.  As far as I can tell and certainly for myself, we do tell those truths.  It does suck; it is raw.  I use those words often.  And I don't generally use the words "better" or "easier" even for myself, much less others.  I don't even think of it as fading.  At least, that's not what it's been for me.  It's been more figuring out how to carry the weight of it while ever so slowly allowing the memories of everything wonderful to come back to me so that not every waking moment, sleeping too I guess, is consumed by what I and our girls have lost.

I am also sorry if you feel we don't read what you or others say because we do and we understand it.  Some of us do have the perspective of years, which frankly I didn't want and couldn't imagine living.  All we can give you are our opinions and personal experiences.  I have certainly been where you are now.  I didn't want to keep going and I didn't see how I could.  But we have no choice in the matter.

I certainly understand if you do not want to hear from those who have somehow managed to survive for years after losing our soulmates.  I don't think any of us will tell you life is great or that it's easier/better.  It's different, which is not the same thing.

This is a good place to rant, to let those random words and thoughts out, to express the crushing pain that no one who hasn't experienced this can possibly understand. Now that I know what you don't want, I will be mindful to simply read your posts in the future.

[WhoamInow]

So what’s the purpose of any of this I shouldn’t “have to” live without him have a new life if I don’t want one. Babies have the right to life before birth, but I don’t have the right to die or I do as long as it’s slow torturing to myself to make family members happy ironic really

[WhoamInow]

I am not angry I could never be angry he begged me not to let him die, he said you fix people everyday fix me honey. We didn’t know he was full of cancer and I had no time just a horrible hospital in Florida along with a hospice team who actually told me to keep pushing the Morphine/Ativan mix. I’m not angry at my honeybee I’m angry at the fact people who know me and don’t know me tell me to live. Lol that’s not going to happen 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, WhoamInow said:

So what’s the purpose of any of this I shouldn’t “have to” live without him have a new life if I don’t want one.

Just one more thought.  I don't disagree with this.  What I meant was that God doesn't give us a choice in the matter, though the dark thoughts invaded my soul many times.  You will have to decide for yourself--and I say this with no judgment at all--whether you want to go on.

I am truly sorry any of us have to be here at all because it means we've lost our one best reason for living.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, WhoamInow said:

I’m angry at the fact people who know me and don’t know me tell me to live.

Perhaps they don't tell you HOW because they don't KNOW how under the circumstances.  I try to help people with my tips I've learned over the years, but it's not a one-size-fits-all and it can take YEARS to go through this process...people want instant results.  There is no instant fix.  This is grueling hard effort at best.  I do sense anger and understand that, I felt angry that I had to "do" anything when I didn't ask for or want any of this!  But I had to do it anyway for my own self.  

OR has right to die laws but you have to be terminal.  I think it better to learn how to get through this and give ourselves a chance to LEARN to and have some positivity in our lives, but that's me, I don't reckon any two people respond the same and certainly not on the same time table. 

And "better" is a relative term hinged upon what preceded it by comparison, it in no way implies "well" or that we like it or agree with it.  We NEVER have to like or agree with what happened and I doubt any of us ever do!

[june483]

On 7/8/2021 at 9:04 AM, WhoamInow said:

Stop please saying give it time, it’ll get better.

It sucks for all of us, not just for you. My widowed neighbor told me it would not get better and my response was, it will have to because I cannot live like this.  We are venting and trying to sort out our thoughts.  We may not all agree but we can't tell each other how to feel and what to say. This is a safe space and we are not psychologists.  If someone's post does not help you just scroll on by.  We have a lifetime of advice coming our way I imagine and we will need to sort through it.

[Brian K 497]

June483  -  Your right - If someone's post does not help you just scroll on by.  Years ago I was at a spirituality retreat, and the retreat leader said something that has stuck with me.  There were a lot of nurses in the crowd, so they immediately understood it.  The lady said take what you read, hear, and see, and ingest, digest and eliminate.  I've had to 'eliminate' a lot of statements from people who don't know grief or aren't going through it.  The crassness of people amazes me.  I'm still pretty numb, but some of the stupid things friends and family have said are astounding.

[annie123]

On 7/9/2021 at 9:09 AM, KayC said:

There is no instant fix. 

Kay: I agree, this is so true.  Nothing can fix this in a quick way......or in any way......we all have to go thru this grief process , whether we like it or not.....It wasn't our choice, that our loved one is no longer with us ,so, all I can do is take one day at a time and TRY to get thru it.  But, that is what works for me..........Someday's are more difficult than other's.  I still cry most everyday, and I will never get over the loss of my husband, but for me personally speaking, time does help somewhat. Today is 9 months that I lost my love.   So sorry that we are all on this journey.......

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Brian K 497 said:

The lady said take what you read, hear, and see, and ingest, digest and eliminate.

My husband went through some therapy (by the state).  Some was good, some was not, bordering on nuts!  Typical of gov't imo.  I asked him what he did about it, he said he learned to sift through it and take the good and throw out the bad.  I thought it was pretty wise of him.   It's not even about branding it as good/bad, it's also about the timing, what we're ready for, what we're not, where WE are in our process, this is a long journey and we've already learned that our timetables are not all the same.

.  

[Gail 8588]

On 7/8/2021 at 9:04 AM, WhoamInow said:

. . .  Stop please saying give it time, it’ll get better. 

WhoamInow, 

I am so sorry you are in such pain.  This is a safe place to vent.  You can say what you feel and clearly many of our posts, my posts, have made you angry.

I try to tell my truth here.  My life, my mental health, has gotten better, but it took me 4 years to feel that way.  The death of my husband was a terrible blow, one which I didn't think I could survive.  I was in a really dark place for a long time. I was quite seriously suicidal at times, including taking reckless actions which could have ended my life. 

With time and effort I have gotten better, meaning my mental health has improved.  I still feel my husband's death was wrong, unfair, ripped me apart and I certainly carry scars that will be with me the rest of my life.  I haven't "gotten over" his death, but I have learned to cope with my new circumstances. 

When your grief is raw, it is hard to think of long term processes.  I get that.  I couldn't hear words of hope or encouragement in the beginning either.  I just wanted to scream "Nothing will ever be okay again. Nothing can ever be okay. He is gone."   How could people around not realize my world was destroyed and could never be fixed. 

I hear you WhoamInow.  Rant and rage, it's okay. We understand.  Many of the newbies here feel exactly the same way, most of the rest of us remember feeling this way. 

Later in your grief process you may find you take comfort in the posts of others who are finding a way to carry their grief with them as the years roll along. 

We do want to encourage you stay alive, don't kill yourself.  In grief there are times that nearly all of us have wanted to die, have asked for God to take us, when we have felt this is too much pain to endure. I know I felt that way a lot. 

I try to give others hope by posting that I don't feel that way any more, but it took me a long time.  That is my truth. 

Hugs

Gail

[tnd]

On 7/8/2021 at 10:05 AM, LMR said:

Perhaps " it gets better"is not the way to put it. Maybe it should be "we get stronger". I hope I will get there someday.

LMR:  I like that. "We get stronger". I sure hope I do. I think all of us on here are strong otherwise, we wouldn't be here looking to vent, rant or ask for advice. And maybe if we can somehow learn what to do through the fog of grief and be able to move forward in our lives, then we've become stronger. 

[steveb]

18 hours ago, tnd said:

LMR:  I like that. "We get stronger". I sure hope I do. I think all of us on here are strong otherwise, we wouldn't be here looking to vent, rant or ask for advice. And maybe if we can somehow learn what to do through the fog of grief and be able to move forward in our lives, then we've become stronger. 

I like “we get stronger” too.  The advice that I’ve gotten here has most definitely dispersed some of my own fog of grief.  I am forever grateful for that.

 

[Remember the Big Mo]

I have found that I am not stronger…I have only started to adapt to my life that is infused with grief, loss and sadness. 

[Gail 8588]

My Big Mo, 

Of course you don't feel stronger yet. Your loss is so recent, you have barely had anytime to get over the initial shock. 

Losing your soulmate is very traumatizing. Your life together is shattered. Your future together is destroyed. You have to find a way to pick up the pieces and find a way to go on. Depending on your circumstances, you may have children or other dependents that have to be cared for.  Financial obligations pile up. Yet a loss like this impairs your ability to think. The brain fog of grief is very real. 

Lean on others for help.  Be kind to yourself.  Along with everything else, you really have to give your brain some time to recover from this trauma. 

Don't expect too much this first year.  You will have some better days, and then you may find there are days that grief overwhelms you again. 

That fact that you have started to adapt to your new circumstances is progress, but unfortunately grief is a long journey. 

Gail

[tnd]

49 minutes ago, My Big Mo said:

I have found that I am not stronger…

My Big Mo:  I feel very weak right now too. But we are strong in the way that we managed to get ourselves to this site and seek support. It may not be the kind of strength we were use to having or want but nonetheless, it's a strength we need. It's something. My life is like an empty shell of what it was. I feel very vulnerable and weak without my husband. But I come on here and am finding a new strength in an unexpected place. I don't know if I will ever be 100% again. Too soon to know. I imagine I will have to rely on coming here for quite some time just to keep going. I will probably grieve for the rest of my days. 

[SoVerySad]

On 7/10/2021 at 11:02 AM, annie123 said:

Kay: I agree, this is so true.  Nothing can fix this in a quick way......or in any way......we all have to go thru this grief process , whether we like it or not.....It wasn't our choice, that our loved one is no longer with us ,so, all I can do is take one day at a time and TRY to get thru it.  But, that is what works for me..........Someday's are more difficult than other's.  I still cry most everyday, and I will never get over the loss of my husband, but for me personally speaking, time does help somewhat. Today is 9 months that I lost my love.   So sorry that we are all on this journey.......

Yes, I am sorry for all of it. And I am a “fixer” by nature and always try to find solutions or answers for things.  And I want the quick fix here, I want my partner to just come back. Except he isn’t going to, and I cannot do anything about it. So I take it day by day and just hope that the intensity of the pain will dull at some point.