I can't stand how I feel

[Magda]

He was only 35. It makes no sense. It feels all wrong, like the Universe just fell off the train tracks and went off into some nonsensical, messed up, alternate reality.

Nothing seems to matter. Not without him. All the places I wanted to go, things I wanted to do. They seem pointless if he's not here to share them with me. Is this Karma? Did I do something wrong in a past life? I felt broken my entire life, I finally found him, and now I'm just shattered. 

[Gail 8588]

Magda, 

I couldn't make sense of the world for a long time. I felt the fabric of the universe had torn open and my sweetheart had fallen out. I was dangling by a tattered edge. There was no firm ground to stand on. No solid handhold to climb back to the world. 

Out in the dark blackness somewhere was my husband.  I wasn't even holding on to the tattered edge, it was like it had me and wouldn't let me drop into the abyss to follow him. 

How could the rest of the world keep on functioning?  I couldn't understand.  How could I be in so much physical pain and not die? I couldn't understand.  How could I write thank you notes, when I could barely breathe?  How is it that thank you notes exist?  What is there to be thankful for?  None of it made any sense to me. 

All I can say to you is keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You will eventually make your way back to the world. 

I am so sorry you are lost in the abyss. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

No, it's not karma.  I can't imagine any of us "deserving this."  Believe me, there's much worse people in the world than those of us here, and some of them seem to have charmed lives!  No, no rhyme or reason.  I don't try to make sense of the nonsensical anymore.

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

All I can say to you is keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You will eventually make your way back to the world. 

 

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, Magda said:

Is this Karma? Did I do something wrong in a past life?

No, not at all.  You did nothing wrong and neither did he.  It's just flat terrible "luck" of the draw.

Of course you are shattered and in shock.  Not much seems real right now, I imagine (because that's how it was for me).  All you can do now is get out of bed each day and, as others have said--cliche though it might be, keep breathing.

There's a line in a movie, I think it's Sleepless in Seattle, where the male lead is asked how he's going to get through having lost his wife.  He says something like, "Well, I'm going to get out of bed, breathe in and out, and maybe someday it won't be so hard to know I lost something great and wonderful."  That kind of sums it up.  Time doesn't heal, not exactly, but time and help makes this grief more bearable.  Time helps us learn to carry it with us as our grief evolves.  We do not move on or "get over it," but we do learn to cope over months and years.

[tnd]

19 hours ago, Magda said:

I felt broken my entire life, I finally found him, and now I'm just shattered. 

Magda:  I'm not sure what you meant by saying you felt "broken", unless you mean that until you met your fiance that your life (for lack of better words here) sucked. Or do you mean past relationships? I've lived a long life of suckiness. A lot of difficulties, a lot of personal pain and anguish. And now I have to face living without the love of my life. More pain...more difficulties. It just hasn't ever let up. Being with my husband tho somehow made it easier to face challenges. But nope, the rug has been pulled out from underneath me again and this time, it's my heart taking a beating. I had a major meltdown today while trying to deal with some personal business matters and things just were not going smooth. I just could not handle another "crisis" today. So now I feel the day was wasted on that, a meltdown and a lot of crying. No moving forward. You are not alone with feeling shattered. At least I was able to come here to vent/talk but feel I wasted the day and I have so much that needs to be done. Hate this.