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How to live without my fiance


Ashan

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Ashan, like Yoli said, there is no easy way through this. I am very sorry for your loss. We are all struggling here, we are all feeling the pain from grief and losing our loved ones. Don't be afraid to post how you are feeling or to ask questions or talk about your memories, good or bad. Everybody helps each other here. 

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Ashan, I am sorry for your loss. Losing a partner is very devastating and over here we are all going through this miserable journey. I hope you can find solace in coming here and relating to each of our experiences.

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Ashan, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I don't think we ever let our love for our soulmate go.  We somehow learn to carry their memory with us without always breaking down into a sobbing mess.  

Everyone's journey through this terrible loss is unique, due to our own unique circumstances.  I was a sobbing mess for a couple of months, but then I had to go back to work and deal with other issues, and I became more of a robotic zombie who just occassionally broke down crying. Your path may be quite different from mine, but losing your soulmate is so painful and life shattering, all the paths seem to be unbearable. People who have not been through it have no idea how difficult it is. 

I am so sorry you have reason to join us here, but welcome to our world.  I hope you will find some comfort reading posts and expressing yourself here.  We understand, our lives have been shattered too. 

Gail 

 

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Ashan, I feel the same way as you. My husband was 38. We were together for 13 years almost 14. We had no friends and are family was never around. Everything we did , we did together. He would always make me try new things and we even worked together. My family has never been there for either of us and at the time it didn’t matter because we had each other and now I’m all alone. I don’t like going anywhere or doing anything because he is not with me. Every day is a struggle and I don’t want to be here anymore. I go to the grave everyday and sit with him because I don’t want to be in my house alone. He too was my sole mate and I’m lost without him. He was and always will be my true and only love. I know you asked how to let go, as for me I will never let my husband go. I don’t think we ever will, we just learn to make it through the day without them. I feel your pain and I am truly sorry. Sending you a big hug 

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Ashan,

I am so sorry for your loss...my George was my everything to me too.  We only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months to the day.  He died on June 19th, 2005, on Father's Day.  I didn't see how I could live one week without him, let alone the next 40 years!  That was too much to handle, I learned to take one day (or hour or minute) at a time, I still have to live that way.  In those early days I did not see how the sun could go on shining!  How could people go on about their day?!  Didn't they know the greatest man that ever lived was now gone?!  It is mind boggling, hard to wrap your head around.  I went through shock, grief fog, had a hard time focusing, it was hard to do my job.  Weekends were the worst as that had always been our time together, the rest of the week going so much to our jobs.  Evenings were hard, no more phone calls from him, alone, not knowing how to even begin with this journey.  Everything in my world became before and after that point in time.  You will learn to do this your way, on your timetable.  Don't let anyone tell you "shoulds."  This is your journey.  I hope you'll continue to read/post here, it helps to express yourself and know you're heard and understood.  Details may vary, but we're all in this together, you're not alone.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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