I just lost my mom..any advice would help

[Bas2267]

I just lost my mom on April 14..she was my rock and I help take care of her..I trying really hard to deal with this ..but honestly it tearing my health apart..my anxiety is worse than ever .. I have no appetite and on top of it all my acid reflux has gotten worse ..I’m dealing with a lot and trying to figure out how to keep moving forward..I just need someone to help me ..maybe give some advice as I’m willing to try anything to feel better again and like myself..

[Kazuko]

Hi there I am so sorry for your loss.

here is my story I hope it can help you to know that we have no control over why when and how we all die. 

My mom died on April 10, 2021. I feel like it’s not real. My mom was diagnosed with cancer April 2019 she came to live with me in my home and I took care of her for almost 2 years. I was her caretaker around the clock making sure she had her meals took her to a doctor appointments handles her medication research to get her the best treatment. 

 

My mom counted on me for everything she believed in me and that I could help her find the right treatment and I did succeed she was on her keyTruda for one year and was doing great. She even had a CT scan done in December 2020 and the tumors were not growing everything was stable. 

 

then January 2021 everything changed her lab results showed that her liver enzymes and her Billrubin was not normal so she was unable to get her keyTruda. However the nurses reassured me that it was not serious and that we just needed needed to wait till things became stable so that she could get her treatment.  

 

then a terrible day happened when she fell down off a small bench in my room on February 3, 2021 and broke her hip. I have so much regret that for that day if only I would’ve done things differently she would not have fallen. she went into the hospital and things just kept going downhill it was not her cancer that was causing this..... it turned out that she had hepatitis C and we never knew she had it. my mom was 86 so she was not eligible to get a liver transplant and I was told she was not a candidate for hepatitis C medication because of her cancer.

my poor mom survive the first year with radiation chemo and then the second year she went on key Truda even during Covid she had a good year I made it be the best that I could taking her out to safe places and spending as much time with her as I could. she was in and out of the hospital and in the nursing homes from February 3 until April 5. on Easter Sunday when I saw the way she looked I knew it was time for her to come home. she could barely even talk and she looked so weak but she was able to tell me I love you in a whisper and I will never forget that day.  those are the last words she ever spoke. 

 

The following day on Monday I told the doctor I want her home and we got her home the following day on Tuesday. 

Tuesday I arrange for a medical van to pick up my mom and they brought her home my mom was able to see everyone but she was unable to talk. The following morning my grandchildren came in to see her and she smiled at them for the last time when they left the room she closed her eyes and never open them again 

 

she was I believe in an unconscious stage she was able to hear us and moan but she no longer could talk or open her eyes.

my mom was on hospice for five days I took care of her all by myself changed her diaper gave her the morphine to help her get through the journey with no pain and as much peace as possible. I slept on the floor on a mattress next to her hospital bed waking up every three hours to give her the morphine and make sure that the oxygen tubes were in her nose. 

 

The morning and afternoon of April 10 I talk to my mom and told her everything I could possibly think of most of all I told her that she was not alone now and that she would never be alone on earth and haven. Her breathing became less and she passed away at 5:20 PM. 

 

I am still in disbelief it hits me like crashing waves at times and I am filled with anxiety. I have so many questions about why things occur the way they did I have so much regret of wish I could’ve done things differently should I have brought her home from the nursing home two weeks before she died so I could’ve spent more time with her. however I was so afraid not knowing what was going on in shock not knowing if I could do it all alone by myself four weeks months etc. Researching ways I could get help ways I could get the money to pay for the help. 

 

I was told by the hospice nurses that things turn out the way they were meant to turn out and I used what I had and the information I had at the time to deal with it the best that I could. I was not afraid of hard work I took care of her for two years juggling my own job grandchildren and taking care of her and myself. I do know that even if I would’ve brought her home for two weeks before she died it wouldn’t have changed anything she still would’ve died and it probably would’ve put me in the hospital from exhaustion. 

 

I am just trying to find a way to know the truth feel it absorb it and be able to be OK with it and not feel guilt and wishing I could’ve change things I know one day I will figure it out I need to just get my mind OK well knowing that I had no control over her fate.

[reader]

Dear Bas,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.

Grief knocks us all down. The first year of grief is the hardest. I tried the following things to help make it through each day.

• Grief counselling
• Grief support group
• Writing
• Exercise
• Arts and crafts
• Reading articles at Grief in Common, What's Your Grief, Grief Healing Blog
• Visiting this forum for additional supports

I know it's not easy, but please know we are with you. 

[Bas2267]

Thank you so much..that greatly helped me ..I’ve been scared of dying since my mom passed away..and that overwhelmed me as well..I’m joining a support group soon..I think knowing I’m not alone will help me..

[Julen]

I don’t know if it will be worth anything, but I’ll tell you my case. My mother passed away on June 9th; she was 67 years old. Work has helped me with the situation, but I drown when I have free time. I have contacted  professionals of the Public Health Service for help.

I thought I was doing pretty well, but, as I said, when I am alone and free I fall into the trap. I look forward to receiving help. On this last side, I am worse off. Depending on the moment, I swim well or badly.  Anyway, at least I didn't go down without explaining myself first.  Sometimes you have to ask for help and having someone by your side. I hope the above has been helpful.  In the end, we are in the same boat;  in our loneliness. Be well.

[Julen]

As you said, you are not alone and I think it helps to remember that. Anyway,  maybe I don't Know what I'm talking about, because I'm in the same situation too. Either way, I hope something or other has helped.

[Fairley]

I recently lost my mother April 13, 2021 and I feel like I’m going crazy! She was sick for five months and passed going into her sixth month. It’s like nobody understands or nobody cares! I guess her being sick already, I was just supposed to expect it to happen and accept it. I’m so tired of hearing sorry, she’s in a better place, get over it, you have to keep living your life. How? I’m the youngest and all I’ve ever known is her. It’s always been just me and her. I took care of her when I was younger but as I got older, I got married, screwed up my life and I wasn’t there like I could have or should have been. I did the best I could to be there while she was sick. I drive trucks over the road so I was there on and off. I guess what hurts the most was not being able to take care of her like I was used to. I feel like I’m grieving by myself, even though I have siblings. They seem to just be okay, which maybe their own way of grieving but I’m mad as hell. It’s like my heart broke that day. A piece of me died. I keep replaying the phone call in my head. She died alone and I didn’t make it home in time. That eats at me everyday. I go to sleep crying, I wake up crying, I feel like I don’t want to live. I have days where I can push myself then I have days where I’m just numb. I don’t want to just pick up and move on because then I’ll feel like she’ll feel like I’m okay or forgot about her and that will never be the case. I want to talk to people and surround myself with people who are grieving and will allow me to grieve as well. 

[Fairley]

Bas2267, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mother the day before you and our stories are similar. Please feel free to reach out anytime you need to talk. I’m not an expert but maybe we can learn from each other. God bless

[Beatrixszabo]

10 hours ago, Fairley said:

I recently lost my mother April 13, 2021 and I feel like I’m going crazy! She was sick for five months and passed going into her sixth month. It’s like nobody understands or nobody cares! I guess her being sick already, I was just supposed to expect it to happen and accept it. I’m so tired of hearing sorry, she’s in a better place, get over it, you have to keep living your life. How? I’m the youngest and all I’ve ever known is her. It’s always been just me and her. I took care of her when I was younger but as I got older, I got married, screwed up my life and I wasn’t there like I could have or should have been. I did the best I could to be there while she was sick. I drive trucks over the road so I was there on and off. I guess what hurts the most was not being able to take care of her like I was used to. I feel like I’m grieving by myself, even though I have siblings. They seem to just be okay, which maybe their own way of grieving but I’m mad as hell. It’s like my heart broke that day. A piece of me died. I keep replaying the phone call in my head. She died alone and I didn’t make it home in time. That eats at me everyday. I go to sleep crying, I wake up crying, I feel like I don’t want to live. I have days where I can push myself then I have days where I’m just numb. I don’t want to just pick up and move on because then I’ll feel like she’ll feel like I’m okay or forgot about her and that will never be the case. I want to talk to people and surround myself with people who are grieving and will allow me to grieve as well. 

This is a very exact description about my feelings. It is like exactly my story. I'm sorry for your loss although I know that it doesn't help, because I know it's also not q help for me when people saying this. You are not alone. Only difference is that I have no siblings.

[Fairley]

Thank you so much! It is honestly so refreshing to hear things other than the “normal” things people say when somebody dies. Losing my mom was like losing a part of me. Sure “it’s life” but a loss like that doesn’t just go away overnight. I’m so tired of apologizing or feeling like I have to keep everything I’m feeling to myself. Please reach out to me anytime. You are not alone as well. Having family is not a plus. We don’t even speak. However, I hope one day my sisters and I can get on somewhat the same page. God bless you and I’m sorry for your loss

[Jelan Almanza]

I lost my Mom April 6th of 2020, in the midst of COVID. She died alone. I got about a half hour after we pulled the plug to say goodbye with a mask and gloves on. She was about 75% vegetative and in respiratory failure. Our only other option was to place a trach, which would have made for a very poor quality of life for her. I will never forgive myself for having to make that decision...

I miss her so much and my heart cries for her every single day.

[Fairley]

Hi jalen,

people have told me it’s get easier with time and that’s a lie. I’m so sorry for your loss! I know sorry doesn’t help, yesterday made three months that my mother has been gone. My sisters and I also had to put a trac and feeding tube in mom and you’re right, it is the hardest decision ever! You’re stuck between trying to possibly save mom all while also possibly ruining the rest of the life she may have. It is truly heartbreaking. Please reach out anytime you need to talk. God bless you!