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KimK

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It's always hard when we are taxed to the gill and on top of that, everyone questions everything we do.  I'm sorry you're experiencing that, I can't think of a reply to give but maybe to ignore the comment and say "If I didn't think I could handle it, I reckon I wouldn't be doing it."  They shouldn't argue.

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On 7/4/2021 at 8:57 AM, KimK said:

Everything has been incredibly difficult, but I just planned a very short trip to a theme park so my daughter's summer isn't a wash, and the mother in law questions me and asks if I can handle it. I hate that. Can anyone relate? 

KimK:  My husband and I didn't have any children but when I read your post, it made me think of some of the "empty advice" I've been given. I applaud you for thinking of your daughter and putting her first. It was probably healthy that the 2 of you got out like that. Don't let toxic or negative people get in the way of what you think might help and what you think is needed. You're a big girl, you know by now what you can and cannot handle. Kudos to you! 

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KimK, 

I didn't have anything like that, as my children were grown and people pretty much left me alone.  I think there may have been some comments that I didn't write thank you notes promptly enough (which I agree, I didn't), but I could only do what I could do.  My brain really didn't function well for a very long time. 

But now in my 5th year, I do often sense people have had it up to their max with me and my grief.  Even though I can see I am feeling much better, they don't see much of a change in me. (I guess I pretended that I was sort of okay for so long, they can't see that I am actually better now.)

My wearing my wedding ring bothers some folks, my complete rejection of trying to date or meet someone, my lack of interest in international travel, etc. they see as me wallowing in grief.

They think I am a martyr to my grief, and they want me to put that away now and build some new fun  life. 

I have no interest in any of that, but I don't feel like I am being a martyr.  I just still feel married to John and I am actually getting quite comfortable living my single life with his memory.   But if I am out with my friends and say "oh John would have loved this"  I can see them bristling, that I can't let go of John. 

I don't know what to do about it exactly.  I am who I am, and I am never going to be some partying widow flirting with guys. My single women friends, who are divorced not widowed, are getting irritated with my lack of progress, from their point of view. At least that is my impression.

Gail

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foreverhis
3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have no interest in any of that, but I don't feel like I am being a martyr.  I just still feel married to John and I am actually getting quite comfortable living my single life with his memory.   But if I am out with my friends and say "oh John would have loved this"  I can see them bristling, that I can't let go of John.

With you 100% on that. 

The only difference is that my friends and family are happy to include John in conversations and memories and just everything.  In fact, more than once, even as recently as this March, my sister has said things like, "Oh this looks like fun.  The four of us should..." and then she'll trail off remembering.  The four of us spent a lot of time together, traveled together (and didn't even kill each other!), and have always been close.  Never mind that between her being my baby sister and John being 10 years older than me, there's nearly a full generation gap.  As recently as 2 weeks ago, one of my good friends locally said, "I think John would have loved this" (don't remember what "this" was specifically).  I am encouraged by the people close to me to keep John close to us all.  I know I am extremely lucky that way and I don't take it for granted.

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15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I can see them bristling, that I can't let go of John.

Wow.  All I can say is they're damned lucky it's not ME they're talking to!  But then all of our friends disappeared overnight so I didn't experience that, much.

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17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

My wearing my wedding ring bothers some folks, my complete rejection of trying to date or meet someone, my lack of interest in international travel, etc. they see as me wallowing in grief.

Gail8588:  Your wedding ring is a part of who you are and they should not be judging you and when they act put off by the ring, they are judging you. Well, that's how I feel about it, anyway. Who knows, maybe they know of someone that they want to introduce you to and think the ring would be a turn off. Well, when my husband and I first got together he was still wearing his ring from when he and his late wife had been married. I didn't say anything about because I felt it was not my place and I knew he was still grieving. It didn't bother me. But as we got more serious, I noticed he stopped wearing it. I never had to ask him to remove it. As for myself now, I am 57 and this was my second marriage. I do not intend to ever marry again or commit myself to a relationship (not that anyone would be interested in a middle-aged woman wearing oxygen on her face anyway). But seriously, like you, I still very much feel married and will never let go of my husband. I love my wedding ring and hope to have it resized (finger too fat with water retention these days) so I can start wearing it again. It will forever be a part of me. So I don't think you are wallowing...not at all. Be proud of your marriage and ring! 

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Absolutely!  I agree 1,000%  I had someone chide me for wearing my wedding band...someone who was also a widow but thought you had to follow some code or something.  I don't give a rat's fig about what others think about it.  Do what feels right to YOU!

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