Anniversary

[Yoli]

It's our anniversary today. 19 years since we exchanged rings in our own little ceremony. This is my second without her by my side. The first anniversary I was still in shock, it was not yet 2 months since her passing.

Ok so now I am crying - the one constant companion.

[AnnRA]

Yoli - My heart goes out to you for your sorrow today.  Yes, i fear the “second” dates for me, as I was in total shock for Christmas and his birthday, which were not long after he died.  I hope tomorrow is easier for you as you return to the work week.  These dark, early evenings just make me want to hibernate.  I wish I could see the joy and wonder in Matariki, but I just feel dark and cold.....

Take care of yourself.  

 

 

 

[KayC]

I'm sorry I'm just now seeing this...anniversaries are hard hitting and I've never found anything helpful but I've been through many and they're so different than they'd be if they were here, that hits me hard.  A friend went through her 60 year anniversary yesterday...her husband has been gone six years.  She wears her ring, considers herself married, but how hard it is facing what should be a happy day when it feels anything but...alone.

[Yoli]

11 hours ago, AnnRA said:

- My heart goes out to you for your sorrow today.  Yes, i fear the “second” dates for me, as I was in total shock for Christmas and his birthday, which were not long after he died.  I hope tomorrow is easier for you as you return to the work week.  These dark, early evenings just make me want to hibernate.  I wish I could see the joy and wonder in Matariki, but I just feel dark and cold.....

Thanks Ann, yes the seconds I think will be harder because the initial shock has worn off and we try to find a path forward on our own.

I would love also to feel the wonder at Matariki. I do like to look up at the stars and marvel at the sheer vastness of space.

Just think we are nearing the middle of winter and we have already had the shortest day. I do know that these nights though are long and lonely.

7 hours ago, KayC said:

..anniversaries are hard hitting and I've never found anything helpful but I've been through many and they're so different than they'd be if they were here, that hits me hard.  A friend went through her 60 year anniversary yesterday...her husband has been gone six years.  She wears her ring, considers herself married, but how hard it is facing what should be a happy day when it feels anything but...alone.

Thanks Kay, I seem to have a knack of not getting many replies anyway. Don't know why. My feelings are just as relevant as any one else's.

I wear Indy's ring around my neck and I still wear mine. Both will remain just where they are.

[foreverhis]

Hi Yoli.  I didn't post about it, but a week ago Saturday would have been our 38th anniversary.  This coming Friday is 3 years since John took his last breath with me by his side.  It's 3 years since my heart, which was already broken, shattered into tiny shards. 

To be blunt (without being too offensive), it's eff-ing hard facing these trigger days.  This year for our anniversary and for the first time, I made a conscious choice to reserve the day for something as positive as possible and the night for my own private pain.  And so I spent the afternoon and early evening with two dear friends and their dog (the one I spend time with every week).  We did a couple of practical things and put a nice dinner together that was one of John's favorites.  Then we simply spent hours being together talking, having a little wine, and cuddling with the dog, who adores me and vice-versa.

I can't say it was a good day, but it wasn't the crushing weight it was the first 2 years.  I cried and talked to John, just not for 3 whole days.  I guess it goes along with the slow shift I've felt over the past several months as more and more of the good memories and wonderful years we had are together coming forward to mix in with the images and memories of his devastating months fighting cancer.  I'm trying to keep taking steps forward into finding a life I can live without my love by my side.  I know it will continue to be a long, winding journey with many ups and downs.

[Gail 8588]

On 7/3/2021 at 5:16 PM, Yoli said:

It's our anniversary today. 19 years since we exchanged rings in our own little ceremony. This is my second without her by my side. The first anniversary I was still in shock. . .

Yoli,

Yes. The events that came soon after my husband's death were just a blur to me. My mind really could not comprehend what was happening. The fabric of the universe had ripped and for me, time was very distorted. 

I can understand how this second anniversary feels like the first you really confronted alone. 

Crying was my only and constant companion too.  

I hope you feel a bit of relief having made it through. I always hate that my mind increases my suffering with anticipating pain I will endure as the anniversary aproaches. It would be easier if I could break down just on the  anniversary itself rather than for the 2 weeks leading up to the anniversary. 

I know you can't believe me, but this part does get better with time.

Gails

 

[Yoli]

Thanks foreverhis and Gail. Your words and stories mean a lot to me. What a rotten bloody journey we are on.

In the last few weeks the flashbacks have been plaguing me more than usual. I guess me thinking about our anniversary bought these on with more intensity

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Yoli said:

I seem to have a knack of not getting many replies anyway. Don't know why. My feelings are just as relevant as any one else's.

I'm sorry, of COURSE your feelings are important!  I haven't seen any rhyme or reason to who elicits replies and who doesn't.  Sometimes I see someone new post something heartrending and no one responds, that breaks my heart for them.   I wish/hope you know that I care!

[Sparky1]

Yoli, we're here for you. You've been here longer than I have and I read all your posts. My anniversary is not that far  away and I already am starting to feel down. I know it's not easy, trust me, I break down many times every day thinking of how my wife is not here anymore. It still feels unreal, and the longing seems to have gotten even worse.

[Yoli]

9 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

My anniversary is not that far  away and I already am starting to feel down. I know it's not easy, trust me, I break down many times every day thinking of how my wife is not here anymore. It still feels unreal, and the longing seems to have gotten even worse.

It is a real injustice that occasions that used to bring joy now bring sadness and longing. I know what you mean about the longing getting worse.

I had a major meltdown last night. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I didn't care if the noise carried.

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, Yoli said:

. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I didn't care if the noise carried.

I do it in the car once in a while when I'm really down. Driving to work in the morning is the worst for me. I couldn't start my day unless I kissed my wife goodbye and told her I love her. Hearing her sweet voice say "I love you too" made my day. Now there is only emptiness and memories and I get a rage sometimes and have to let it out.

[tnd]

On 7/4/2021 at 4:21 PM, Yoli said:

I wear Indy's ring around my neck and I still wear mine. Both will remain just where they are.

Yoli:  I am very sorry for your loss and the weight of the pain you now carry. I think wearing your rings around your neck is a good way to honor your loved one. Since I never wear necklaces I don't know what I'll do with our wedding rings. I have some ideas but not ready yet. I hope you find a little comfort in wearing yours. They represent and symbolize so much for us. I will never let go of our rings.   

[tnd]

On 7/4/2021 at 10:54 PM, foreverhis said:

And so I spent the afternoon and early evening with two dear friends and their dog (the one I spend time with every week).  We did a couple of practical things and put a nice dinner together that was one of John's favorites.

foreverhis:  It must've been difficult to plan but seems like it was a good positive step you took. Sounds like the evening went alright. You are very brave. I especially like the part where you served one of your husband's favorite meals. I don't know but maybe if I ever get back to cooking again I could do something like that with my brother's family. Right now would be too hard (physically because of my illness and emotionally because of my grief) but I do see how this would be something positive and enjoyable and not necessarily something sad.    

[Yoli]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

I am very sorry for your loss and the weight of the pain you now carry. I think wearing your rings around your neck is a good way to honor your loved one. Since I never wear necklaces I don't know what I'll do with our wedding rings. I have some ideas but not ready yet. I hope you find a little comfort in wearing yours. They represent and symbolize so much for us. I will never let go of our rings. 

Thank you and I share my sorrow with you for your loss.

Our rings will be with me always, never leaving my body.

[April Ballou]

So how do you celebrate an anniversary when half of you is gone?  I'm facing that.  The 31st of this month would have been our 39th anniversary.  I don't want to be alone.  I pray that I won't be.  The days, weeks, and months have been hard enough.  The holidays and birthdays were bad.  And to top it off Darrell's birthday would have been the 22nd of this month.  What am I going to do?

[LMR]

I recently passed the milestone of what would have been our 45th wedding anniversary. I too did not want to be alone. I arranged to have lunch with some friends that I hadnt seen in a long time and I was able to talk about him. I kept it together over lunch but burst into tears the minute I walked through my front door.

I celebrated his birthday a couple of months ago. Again I had asked friends to join me. We drank wine, toasted him, shared memories, laughed, cried, hugged. It was possibly the best day of the past horrific year. I know he would have loved it.

[foreverhis]

On 7/4/2021 at 2:21 PM, Yoli said:

I wear Indy's ring around my neck and I still wear mine. Both will remain just where they are.

Same here.  I wear my ring and have his on a chain around my neck.  I fear my small collection of pendants/necklaces feels very neglected because his ring, combined with a gold pendant he bought me once "just because," has been the only pendant I've worn for the past 3+ years.

I have no intention of ever taking off my wedding ring.  I am still John's and will be until the day I die.  I wanted to have his resized to wear on my right hand, but the Black Hills gold inlay won't survive it going small enough to fit me.  I talked to a local jeweler, who suggested I consider turning it into a regular pendant by cutting on either side of the Black Hills inlay, keeping it in the crescent/curve shape and adding a bale .  My mom's best friend had that done with her husband's ring and it looked really nice.

[Gail 8588]

I wear my wedding ring too. (Perhaps this contributes to hardward business employees and others  thinking my husband should be doing this or that.)  

I feel married to him still, I suspect I always will.

Gail

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, April Ballou said:

So how do you celebrate an anniversary when half of you is gone?  I'm facing that. 

IMO, we don't.  I haven't celebrated it since John died.  The first two years, I was an absolute wreck for days before (dreading) and the day of (not quite as much--I was so exhausted by then). 

The first year, I went into hermit mode.  I couldn't deal with anyone or anything.  I cried; I ranted; I told John he needed to come home.  Then late morning, a friend and neighbor who understands grief because she and her husband lost a child at birth, texted and asked if I might be up to a small walk to a nearby nature preserve.  It's there that she and her husband had a memorial bench dedicated.  I decided I did need to get out of the house and I knew she wouldn't push, so I said yes.  I had asked John to at least make it a warm and sunny day because it had been cold and foggy for weeks.  It was glorious out.  And so we walked quietly, we sat on the memorial bench looking out at the water and the birds, we talked about the nature of faith and some of our fears.  It helped.

The second year, I went into hermit mode again, but didn't have quite as much dread as the first year.  I cried and talked to John a lot.  I told him how much I love him and thanked him for loving me warts and all.  I thanked him for marrying me and asked him to wait for me as we had promised.  I thought about our wedding day and how wonderful it was to become his wife.  I remembered the small reception and how happy we were.  But I did not celebrate the day.

This year I've talked about in a previous post.  We didn't celebrate, but remembered to be thankful that he had lived and loved and that his life mattered.

I know some people create rituals that help them get through the day (going to a special place; eating at a special restaurant; watching a special movie).  As with the rest of our journeys, each of us finds a way to keep breathing through the hard days and sometimes we find ways to make it more bearable.

[April Ballou]

I wear my wedding ring and Darrells together.  

[KayC]

I haven't "celebrated it" since he died, but there is no escaping it, it's a very evident reminder of his absence.  The day came to mean something else entirely to me the day he died.  If he was here we'd be at the coast, enjoying each other and our time together.  Kind of hard to do with him gone.

Wedding Anniversary after Death
Wedding Anniversary When Your Husband is Dead
Wedding Anniversary

 

[tnd]

16 hours ago, foreverhis said:

This year I've talked about in a previous post.  We didn't celebrate, but remembered to be thankful that he had lived and loved and that his life mattered.

foreverhis:  That is truly a very lovely thing to say about your husband. Obviously his life very much mattered. Since we weren't big on celebrations or holidays as it was, I don't know how I will spend his birthday or our anniversary next year. Probably very privately. Or order a cake with lots of frosting as he liked. I'm sure my brother and his family won't have any problem doing that with me. 

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, tnd said:

foreverhis:  That is truly a very lovely thing to say about your husband. Obviously his life very much mattered. Since we weren't big on celebrations or holidays as it was, I don't know how I will spend his birthday or our anniversary next year. Probably very privately. Or order a cake with lots of frosting as he liked. I'm sure my brother and his family won't have any problem doing that with me. 

He was my wonderful imperfect husband who was perfect for me.  I can't imagine what my life would have been like without him.  He did matter to those who knew and loved him.  He made a difference in people's lives.  Sometimes it was just a small difference, like donating $20 to a veteran's fund, but I've always believed that small acts of kindness can ripple out to big changes.

We were right with you on not making big deals of holidays and special days.  Most years we didn't do big birthday or anniversary celebrations, though we did celebrate by going to the beach or for a picnic or to one of the numerous free outdoor concerts.  We didn't get each other big presents, but did put money into our travel fund.  Once our daughter was on her own, we dialed down holidays to small, quiet gatherings.

I guess in a way that makes those days comparatively easier (don't use that word much anymore) because I'm not thinking about some big party or something like that that we might have had.

I think it's great that you're considering how to honor your husband next year by ordering his favorite cake.  I love your description of him and the frosting decorations that he'd dive into because he couldn't have them often.  That's honoring him for sure.

On 7/5/2021 at 9:52 PM, tnd said:

foreverhis:  It must've been difficult to plan but seems like it was a good positive step you took. Sounds like the evening went alright. You are very brave. I especially like the part where you served one of your husband's favorite meals. I don't know but maybe if I ever get back to cooking again I could do something like that with my brother's family. Right now would be too hard (physically because of my illness and emotionally because of my grief) but I do see how this would be something positive and enjoyable and not necessarily something sad.    

It was difficult and if you'd told me 3 years ago that I'd even consider it, I'd have collapsed into a puddle on the floor.  It helped tremendously to be with people who really understand and who let me guide the time together.

I used to cook and bake all the time.  For more than a year after he died, as well as the times he was in the hospital and rehab, I was the queen of prepared foods and easy salads.  I swear I ate more packaged dishes (good quality, but...) over those months and the first year than in the previous 10 years combined. 

I still don't cook the way I used to and likely never will because I just can't wrap my brain around not cooking for John.  But I do cook with friends once a week or so, which is both enjoyable (and Lord knows I never thought I'd use that word again!) and let's me be my nurturing self.  I guess I got that from my grandmas.  Everyone knows I "heal with food."  Well, except myself, I guess, but I do cook fresh easy things for myself more often, especially as I'm trying to continue to slowly lose the 47 lb I gained (18 down).  I tend to make larger batches of things that I can share and freeze.  I'm still the queen of good quality chopped cabbage and veggie slaw mixes, which are still a lifesaver for my "5 a day."

It's interesting that you mention times when it's physically hard to cook.  When I was diagnosed with auto-immune conditions that cause joint inflammation, stiffness, extreme fatigue, and imbalance issues, I changed some of my cooking patterns to make sure that we had homemade meals in the freezer for my numerous bad days.  And yeah, grief kind of finished off my desire to cook and bake and any semblance of self care.

I hope that over time you feel well enough both physically and emotionally to cook again.  As with all things related to this grief, it takes lots of time and patience I sure didn't know I had.

[KayC]

I remember how bittersweet it was when my daughter and I had the cornish game hens I'd bought for my husband...he'd never had them and wanted to try them, he never got to.  I also bought him some sharp cheddar, he never got to try, all he'd ever had was medium.  I have bought sharp since.  Sometimes things don't have to make sense, we go with whatever brings us comfort.

[Gail 8588]

I always baked John a pineapple upside down cake for his birthday, in a cast iron skillet.  38 years, it was a tradition. We didn't always get presents, but I always got chocolate cake on my birthday and he always got his pineapple cake. 

I haven't baked one since he died. Maybe next year on his birthday.  

Gail

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I haven't baked one since he died. Maybe next year on his birthday.  

I didn't expect to have food be such a trigger for me, but it has been.  Not just things like walking past the deli counter and seeing his favorite, usually expensive, ham on sale or going to the farmers market and seeing seasonal favorites or picking up too much and then remembering I am buying just for me.  But also things like asparagus in the spring.  I related why in a previous post, but basically because he was sure he hated it, until one day, he didn't.  From then on, he looked forward the season.  Ditto with peaches, apples, grapes, and more.  Or growing our own potatoes, spinach, and other veggies.  Or making his favorite dishes/desserts.

I decided to brave it and bought asparagus to saute and then make soup.  Then I shared it with friends who care and understand.  And this year at the start of peach season, I did our silly little ritual of "the ceremonial eating of the first peach of the season" and directed the cermony to a picture of him with our granddaughter that rests in front of the handsome leather cylinder containing his ashes.  These things were emotionally painful; they likely always will be.  But there was also an element of accepting that he is gone from this world and yet still here with me.  By making soup and eating a peach, I felt connected to him even more than I already do.

I'm sure you know that making your John's favorite birthday cake will be emotionally difficult, but I think you may also find it comforting.  (As an aside, my John loved fresh pineapple upside down cake too and asked for that for his birthday more than once.)

[tnd]

15 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

38 years, it was a tradition. We didn't always get presents, but I always got chocolate cake on my birthday and he always got his pineapple cake. 

Gail8588:  The tradition you had with your husband sounds wonderful. We may not always remember a present given to us but traditions, oh yes. Especially when it involved our loved ones. 

[April Ballou]

Yeah it wasn't until Darrell started working for Walmart til we did something either before, on the day of, or after our anniversary.  Depending on schedules and money.  One year we both had jobs with different hours and we seen each other all of 10 mins on our anniversary.  Just enough time to give each other a kiss and a hug, to say happy anniversary, and to say I love you.  But we celebrated afterwards.  Between the forums and prayer I have found that Im not crying as much.  I sleep a little better.  I have a best friend that texted me the other day to check on me.  She lives 6 hours away so we text or call one another.  

[KayC]

April, thank you for sharing your progression, I think it's important for the newer ones to see as it gives them hope.  It's such a lengthy process and we all take different time with it.

[April Ballou]

Your welcome.  God is a major part of the process.  But the forums have help

[AnnRA]

Well, I have been dreading the day I would need to post to this Wedding Anniversary thread…..and here I am.   The first since he has been gone.  The fact is that we were together for 18 years before we got married, then married for 10 more before he died.  I always regarded our relationship as more important than the piece of paper, so we often celebrated the day we met, instead.   We got married on vacation, so our families will not recognize the date, and we had no children together.   So you all are about the only people that will understand my sorrow today…..

I have just told him how happy I was to have been married to him and how much it means to me.  I know I told him when he was alive, but oh, how I ache to be with him now….. I am talking to him a lot today……

[Gail 8588]

AnnRA, 

These special days are so hard.  The first year is the worst.  Keep talking to him.  Hug his clothes.  Whatever gives you comfort today. 

Wish I could give you a hug now. 

Gail

[AnnRA]

Thank you Gail. I will just try and get through, being grateful that we had so many years together….

[April Ballou]

@AnnRA I have to face that Saturday.   All of this stinks.  For everyone.  I hate going through this but I know that I have no choice.   Darrell and I were married 38 years. I'm supposed to be able to hug and kiss him, say "I love you" and "happy anniversary ". Not sure how to handle this.  God is my refuge and strength.   

[tnd]

16 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I'm supposed to be able to hug and kiss him, say "I love you" and "happy anniversary ". Not sure how to handle this.

April Ballou:  I'm sorry that you are having to face this. What was a happy occasion to celebrate will now be something that makes me cry. I imagine you will, too. My husband and I usually didn't make too much of a deal out of our anniversary but that was by choice. We'd exchange cards, hugs and kisses of course and maybe a little cake for just the 2 of us. We weren't big spenders on gifts. But we knew it was "our day" and we'd giggle a little over the fact that we were still married. Only 14 years. Wasn't long enough. I don't know but since I will be moving in with family soon I may do a cake and celebrate the day next year with them. Just to honor my husband and maybe share a few funny stories about him/us. I hope that through your own tears that you will somehow still find a way to celebrate your marriage, even if quietly alone. Do it for yourself to let your husband know you are alright. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, AnnRA said:

Well, I have been dreading the day I would need to post to this Wedding Anniversary thread…..and here I am

I never know what to say, I'm sorry he's gone and you aren't off doing something special together...it's the second hardest day for me, the hardest being the death day.  Know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

17 hours ago, April Ballou said:

@AnnRA I have to face that Saturday.   All of this stinks.  For everyone.  I hate going through this but I know that I have no choice.   Darrell and I were married 38 years. I'm supposed to be able to hug and kiss him, say "I love you" and "happy anniversary ". Not sure how to handle this.  God is my refuge and strength.   

And for you too, I'm glad you have God to go through it with you but we're human and it's still hard.  (((hugs)))

[April Ballou]

July 31,1982 , 39 years ago today I became Mrs. Henry Darrell Ballou.  I had 38 wonderful years with my best friend, my lover, my husband, my everything.  Now what do I do?  I'm supposed to wake up we kiss and hug each other tell each other "I love you" & "happy anniversary".  Now what do I do?  I miss Darrell so much, it still hurts maybe not as much as at first but it still hurts.  I wished God would take me home just so I can see Darrell again.  What's gonna happen to me?  As I sit here and type this I am praying.  God is my refuge and strength.  God will supply all my needs.  I don't like being alone.  I don't like him being gone and me here.  What do I do?

[KayC]

I have no answers, just cyber hugs...
Did you read these?

Wedding Anniversary after Death
Wedding Anniversary When Your Husband is Dead
Wedding Anniversary
Wedding Anniversary

[Gail 8588]

April,

Sending you hugs today too.  I was married 38 years too.  Sounds like a long time, but it feels like our time together was cut short.  We had plans for our retirement years, plans for travel, plans for taking care of each other through the challenges of old age.  

You are appropriately lost and confused.  It is a terrible thing to have all those plans to suddenly go up in smoke with nothing at all to replace them.  

For today, just grieve.  It's a terrible loss. 

It takes time to sort through the broken fragments of our lives and to piece together a plan for living.  You will get there eventually, but not today, and that's alright. 

Gail

[April Ballou]

Thank you Gail 8588

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It is a terrible thing to have all those plans to suddenly go up in smoke with nothing at all to replace them.

I know, right!  All we ever got was weekends to camp or something, never got to retirement together, it would have been so wonderful...