Grieving

[Milkshake]

I lost my ex boyfriend to cancer a week ago. It’s so overwhelming and I don’t have anyone to talk to. I miss him so much and sometimes I think about dying, just to be with him again. He meant the world to me. I can’t stop crying and when I go out like to run errands, I have to focus on my breathing and count to distract myself enough to not have a panic attack in public. He was the most kind and caring person in my life and he had more faith in me than I had in myself. He loved me completely- flaws and all. We had plans… he had plans and they were 50% helping others and 50% his future with me and our would be kids. He even picked names and everything and now he’s gone. I don’t know what to do and I need help please.

[tnd]

24 minutes ago, Milkshake said:

It’s so overwhelming and I don’t have anyone to talk to.

Milkshake, I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain you are suffering. I just lost my husband a few weeks ago. The pain is overwhelming. And like you and your boyfriend, we had plans. Now I'm having to figure out how to survive without him and how to take those first steps towards having some sort of life again. I have no idea. But I can tell you that you will get lots of support here. Like you, I don't have anyone to talk to. But since coming on here, I have found some terrific people who understand because they are grieving too. They share their stories and what works and what doesn't work. So don't give up and please, I hope you will find the strength to keep coming here and posting whatever you need to say or to talk about.  

[KayC]

I am so sorry, ex or not, it can be very painful.  Being broken up can seem changeable but dying is permanent, so hard hitting!  I am very sorry for your loss, not only of him, but your dreams/future together and yes, even having kids together.  I'm sorry you're alone in this, but I want to welcome you and encourage you to come here to express yourself and know you're heard.  We're all going through this together, it helps.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gail 8588]

Milkshake, 

Welcome to our community, we are all so sorry you have reason to join us.  It is a life shattering expeience to lose your true love.  It is so hard to make sense of the world.  How is it still turning without our sweetheart here.  Our mind knows what has happened, yet we still look for them, search for them, because it just cannot be that they are not here. 

We understand the confusion, fear, anger, guilt, sorrow that get all tangled up in trying to understand what happened. Our lives have been shattered too. 

I am so sorry for your loss. 

Gail

[SoVerySad]

I am so sorry for your loss. Talking to people has helped me a lot, I lost my partner in a car accident a month ago and am still coping with the shock of his sudden loss. So many unfinished plans.  I found this site and it has been helpful to read and post because everyone here understands.  Take everything slowly and keep reading. 

[Magda]

Hey Milkshake,

I lost my guy last week, too. We had so many plans. I get the added benefit of being super pissed at him because he killed himself. With Dust Off. Addiction is one, seriously messed up disease. I know he was really sick, and even though I'm a fellow recovering alcoholic, I just can't for the life of me understand how he flushed our lives down the toilet. 

I'm having an existential crisis. At 41, I'm glad half my life is over. It took me all this time to find a man who loved me the way he did, took care of me, adored me, but he had one, fatal flaw. And now, due to his disease and/or stupid choices, I have to be stuck here, by myself, and spend the rest of my life without him. I can't even yell at him for ruining my life this way. 

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I've found it helps to know you're not the only one suffering such a collosal loss. It helps to come here.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Magda said:

It took me all this time to find a man who loved me the way he did, took care of me, adored me, but he had one, fatal flaw. And now, due to his disease and/or stupid choices, I have to be stuck here, by myself, and spend the rest of my life without him. I can't even yell at him for ruining my life this way. 

Oh wow, this statement hit me.  My husband's didn't end in suicide but his choices did affect his life/death.  He told me three weeks before he died that he was using Meth to keep his job.  Dumb choice.  I demanded he get treatment, which he was complying with, I think everything was just too much stress for his heart...we hadn't known he had heart issues.  He looked the picture of health except he was tired (his job was 75 miles away and it was hard and demanding).

The heart surgeon told me it didn't cause his death but I have to wonder, I do know it thins the lining of the heart.  It didn't help.  He didn't need that damn job!  I'd have been happy if he pumped gas locally instead of killing himself working for a company that didn't appreciate it!  So long as I had him with me.  I've been on my own for 16 long years now.

[Milkshake]

On 7/2/2021 at 8:14 PM, tnd said:

Milkshake, I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain you are suffering. I just lost my husband a few weeks ago. The pain is overwhelming. And like you and your boyfriend, we had plans. Now I'm having to figure out how to survive without him and how to take those first steps towards having some sort of life again. I have no idea. But I can tell you that you will get lots of support here. Like you, I don't have anyone to talk to. But since coming on here, I have found some terrific people who understand because they are grieving too. They share their stories and what works and what doesn't work. So don't give up and please, I hope you will find the strength to keep coming here and posting whatever you need to say or to talk about.  

I’m so sorry you have to go through this. This pain is unbearable and it’s so sad so many people experience loss like this. Thanks for responding I appreciate it. I hope I’ll learn how to go on living when a piece of my heart is gone. I know we’ll get through this together 

[Milkshake]

On 7/3/2021 at 7:56 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry, ex or not, it can be very painful.  Being broken up can seem changeable but dying is permanent, so hard hitting!  I am very sorry for your loss, not only of him, but your dreams/future together and yes, even having kids together.  I'm sorry you're alone in this, but I want to welcome you and encourage you to come here to express yourself and know you're heard.  We're all going through this together, it helps.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Thank you so much. This means a lot. I’m going to read the article and I believe it’ll help me get back on track, because even though he’s not here right now, I know that he’d want me to keep going. That’s the kind of person he was. He always believed in me and pushed me to be the best I can. Thank you for your prayers✨

On 7/3/2021 at 11:46 PM, SoVerySad said:

I am so sorry for your loss. Talking to people has helped me a lot, I lost my partner in a car accident a month ago and am still coping with the shock of his sudden loss. So many unfinished plans.  I found this site and it has been helpful to read and post because everyone here understands.  Take everything slowly and keep reading. 

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to right now and I can’t even think about him without tearing up. I’m also sorry for your loss and I hope it gets better. 

[slrittz]

Hi Milkshake,

Three months ago to the day I lost my husband of 38 years, my best friend, my "person" if you know what I mean.  The grief is coming in bits and pieces, thank God! If it his me all at once I don't know what I would do... I break down in the grocery store, I catch myself crying without even realizing I had been crying, I no longer love the place we had retired to because he won't be here with me to enjoy it with me.  I know how you are feeling, I'm lost too. I feel like I have lost my past, present and future and no one understands the gravity of this loss.

I will pray for you

[Diane R. E.]

Hello slrittz; I'm so very sorry for your loss. Our stories are a little similar - I lost my husband of 37 years 9 months ago and we had just moved from MN to AZ to enjoy retirement. He was only in our new apartment for 6 days before being admitted to the hospital, and died 4 1/2 weeks later. Now all I want to do is go back home to our townhome in MN where we lived for 24 years. Alas; it's been sold and there are new people living there. Yes, we have lost the future together with our partner and nothing will be the same again. But please keep coming here to read and post - this forum has been a life saver for me and I am gradually learning how to keep going. Hugs to you!

[Sparky1]

Slrittz, I am also very sorry for your loss. I hope that you can find some comfort among us that have lost their partner. We are all going through a very terrible journey of grieving  which is not easy but coming here will help I'm sure  it's almost been 9 months since my wife passed away and it is still difficult for me to accept.

[tnd]

5 hours ago, slrittz said:

I no longer love the place we had retired to because he won't be here with me to enjoy it with me.

slrittz:  I am very sorry for your loss. You have my condolences. The pain is awful. The crying is exhausting. Wish I could just snap my fingers and my husband would be back and we could get on with our life together. But more and more I try not to think that way....there is no magic. I do believe in miracles, however. If somehow, some way I can live a life again, that in itself will be a miracle. But first I grieve. I think the pain, the sorrow, will always be there but slrittz, we are just going to have to trust that we will reach a point where we move forward, just a little. I don't know when or how that will be but I can hope for it. I think my husband would want me to try. Maybe yours would have wanted the same? Hope you continue coming here and letting us know how you are doing. Don't worry too much about the crying...all of us are. 

[SoVerySad]

9 hours ago, Milkshake said:

Thank you so much. This means a lot. I’m going to read the article and I believe it’ll help me get back on track, because even though he’s not here right now, I know that he’d want me to keep going. That’s the kind of person he was. He always believed in me and pushed me to be the best I can. Thank you for your prayers✨

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to right now and I can’t even think about him without tearing up. I’m also sorry for your loss and I hope it gets better. 

Thank you. It is ok to tear up. Please keep posting here, I am new but I see many kind and understanding people here.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, slrittz said:

Hi Milkshake,

Three months ago to the day I lost my husband of 38 years, my best friend, my "person" if you know what I mean.  The grief is coming in bits and pieces, thank God! If it his me all at once I don't know what I would do... I break down in the grocery store, I catch myself crying without even realizing I had been crying, I no longer love the place we had retired to because he won't be here with me to enjoy it with me.  I know how you are feeling, I'm lost too. I feel like I have lost my past, present and future and no one understands the gravity of this loss.

I will pray for you

I am so sorry for your loss as well and also hope you will keep coming here, it really helps to read/post and know there are others that understand and are going through similar.  This is an ever evolving journey, and I hope you also real save/print this for you to keep as what hits you later will be different than today.  Thank you for posting here, you're not alone.
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[slrittz]

I recently found this website and I don't know how to reply to a post directly.  Am I missing something, or do I just "reply to this topic?"  I would like to thank someone who responded to me, but I don't see a "reply" 

Thanks in advance, I'm not able to focus too well right now.

 

[tnd]

7 hours ago, slrittz said:

I recently found this website and I don't know how to reply to a post directly.  Am I missing something, or do I just "reply to this topic?"  I would like to thank someone who responded to me, but I don't see a "reply" 

Thanks in advance, I'm not able to focus too well right now.

 

slrittz:  I hope I give you the right instructions...You can hilite part of/or all of someone's post and then when you see  "quote content" come up, hit enter and then start typing your own reply to it. Or...you can just start typing your own reply where it says "Reply To Topic" and you can include the person's name, like I did and when you are finished, look to your right of the screen and click on "Submit Reply". Sorry if this doesn't help, I'm not a good computer person. 

[slrittz]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

slrittz:  I hope I give you the right instructions...You can hilite part of/or all of someone's post and then when you see  "quote content" come up, hit enter and then start typing your own reply to it. Or...you can just start typing your own reply where it says "Reply To Topic" and you can include the person's name, like I did and when you are finished, look to your right of the screen and click on "Submit Reply". Sorry if this doesn't help, I'm not a good computer person. 

Thank you, that worked perfectly!