Lost my mum and my will to live

[Missmybeautifulmum]

Hi everyone,  so sorry for the loss and pain all of you are going through. 

I lost my beautiful mum around 5 weeks ago and it's just awful. I've always been so closely bonded with her to the point of clingy. I'm in my late thirties but I don't have children, though I do have a partner and a pet I love very much. However I feel I lost the person I've been the closest to my entire life, who was there for me without fail even when she was struggling a lot herself in more recent years & who loved me completely and unconditionally. I feel so confused,  lost  scared and desolate inside, I don't know what I'm doing anymore or why. Nothing appeals or matters to me much now and most days I just lie in bed all day with racing thoughts and with no energy or motivation to do anything. I had to stop working (My job is coming to an end soon anyways) and I am literally just existing at the moment. The odd day I feel I'm coping a tiny bit better but then totally crash again the next. Even on a better day I feel utterly bereft and heartbroken. I can't imagine ever feeling happy again and I just no spark left in me. I can't look through photos at the moment or even listen to music much and I find I'm pushing away painful thoughts now as it's too much to deal with. I'm coping worse now than I did the first couple of weeks. 

My mum was diagnosed with the one of the worst, most devastating neurodegenerative diseases a few years back but she passed away quite suddenly in the night,  so it was still a shock. I guess I was in denial as I still thought she had a lot longer left. I didn't think she would just die like that, so suddenly with only a carer there with her. The regrets are paralysing at times though I know she knew how much I love and adore her. 

I remember saying to her that if anything happened to her ever,  I wouldn't be able to carry on,  which is probably not helping now! I tried everything to get her better, I found her decline unbearable to witness and I wanted my mum back how she was before so vibrant healthy and glamorous! But we were up against one of the very worst of diseases and I couldn't save her,  so I feel like I failed her. My previous spiritual ideas about life after death are wavering a lot too and even the thought of them is not helping at all at the moment. 

 

[reader]

Dear missing,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please know you didn't fail your mom. It's very difficult to cope with the loss of a beloved parent. I hope you'll be able to get some additional supports through counselling and support groups. 

Thinking of you.

[Aru]

I can understand what your going through. Even I lost my dad two months back. More than covid the doctors negligence killed my father. I am living with guilt too of not being able to save him while those people are roaming freely and happily. 

But in these two months I realised that no one understands your pain and hollowness along with it. I know u must be feeling alone and loss of direction in life too. But what you really need is someone to support and understand you. I am sure you must have done everything but sometimes you lland up with wrong people and lose ur dear one. Please just talk to person who can really understand and support you. We are here for you. Let out your feelings because we here all have pain and will understand you.

Take one day at a time and talk your feelings. It helps 

[Taylor22]

I’m so sorry for your loss, I understand what you are going through. I lost my mom to a massive heart attack in March, it was very sudden and unexpected. You phrased it exactly how I’ve been feeling, I’ve just been existing during the last few months. I’m trying to find a new sense of normalcy, but it just seems impossible. I was very close to my mom and I just can’t picture a world without her. When I seem to be having a good day, thoughts of sadness and regret just creep up on me and I can’t seem to stop them. There are too many what if’s that run through my mind every day. They say take it day by day, but it really seems like most days it’s hour by hour or minute by minute. One minute I’ll be okay, the next I’m on the brink of crying seemingly over nothing. I returned to work 2 weeks after her passing because I didn’t really have a choice and I thought being busy would help, but it hasn’t helped at all. Time in the office is usually time by myself, which leads to thinking. I often have to take a walk to the bathroom to put myself together before I start crying. 
 

Losing my mom has been the hardest thing I’ve had to go through and my heart truly goes out to anyone experiencing this type of pain. It seems impossible and it’s overwhelming. Just know that you’re not alone and that I’m here if you ever want to talk or vent! 
 

Taylor 

[Missmybeautifulmum]

On 7/9/2021 at 10:57 PM, reader said:

Dear missing,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please know you didn't fail your mom. It's very difficult to cope with the loss of a beloved parent. I hope you'll be able to get some additional supports through counselling and support groups. 

Thinking of you.

Thank you so much for your kind message,  I will look into counselling once some more time has passed. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. 

On 7/10/2021 at 2:00 PM, Aru said:

I can understand what your going through. Even I lost my dad two months back. More than covid the doctors negligence killed my father. I am living with guilt too of not being able to save him while those people are roaming freely and happily. 

But in these two months I realised that no one understands your pain and hollowness along with it. I know u must be feeling alone and loss of direction in life too. But what you really need is someone to support and understand you. I am sure you must have done everything but sometimes you lland up with wrong people and lose ur dear one. Please just talk to person who can really understand and support you. We are here for you. Let out your feelings because we here all have pain and will understand you.

Take one day at a time and talk your feelings. It helps 

I'm so sorry about your dad Aru. Thank you loads for reaching out to me when you are going through all of your own pain. I do find it helps to talk to others going through the same kind of thing it's hard to relate to those around me sometimes as they just can't fully understand what I'm going through though they are being supportive. 

[Missmybeautifulmum]

On 7/12/2021 at 7:05 AM, Taylor22 said:

I’m so sorry for your loss, I understand what you are going through. I lost my mom to a massive heart attack in March, it was very sudden and unexpected. You phrased it exactly how I’ve been feeling, I’ve just been existing during the last few months. I’m trying to find a new sense of normalcy, but it just seems impossible. I was very close to my mom and I just can’t picture a world without her. When I seem to be having a good day, thoughts of sadness and regret just creep up on me and I can’t seem to stop them. There are too many what if’s that run through my mind every day. They say take it day by day, but it really seems like most days it’s hour by hour or minute by minute. One minute I’ll be okay, the next I’m on the brink of crying seemingly over nothing. I returned to work 2 weeks after her passing because I didn’t really have a choice and I thought being busy would help, but it hasn’t helped at all. Time in the office is usually time by myself, which leads to thinking. I often have to take a walk to the bathroom to put myself together before I start crying. 
 

Losing my mom has been the hardest thing I’ve had to go through and my heart truly goes out to anyone experiencing this type of pain. It seems impossible and it’s overwhelming. Just know that you’re not alone and that I’m here if you ever want to talk or vent! 
 

Taylor 

 Hi Taylor I'm so sorry you lost your mum & so suddenly like that,  it must have added to the shock loads. I still feel a lot of shock and my mum was ill for a while.  I really relate to how you said you've been feeling,  I am constantly on the verge of breaking down crying,  or if not I'm in a sort of"numb" mode. It does feel absolutely impossible to get through at times,  I needed my mum so much & we spoke every day often several times a day,  I am lost without her, I feel completely adrift I have no idea what on earth I'm doing anymore. That's really strong of you to have gone back to work,  I haven't been able to work at all. Do you have a good support system around. Oh god i just miss my mum so much I just can't bear this! I'm here if you ever want to chat as well,  I really feel for you and anyone going through this.

[Aru]

47 minutes ago, Missmybeautifulmum said:

Thank you so much for your kind message,  I will look into counselling once some more time has passed. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. 

I'm so sorry about your dad Aru. Thank you loads for reaching out to me when you are going through all of your own pain. I do find it helps to talk to others going through the same kind of thing it's hard to relate to those around me sometimes as they just can't fully understand what I'm going through though they are being supportive. 

That's why I said that you can talk to us may be we can help each other through this tough times.

[Brenian]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I have struggled so hard to keep it together and I feel like I am struggling more now than when my Dad passed. Feel free to reach out if you would like to talk.

[Missmybeautifulmum]

2 hours ago, Brenian said:

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I have struggled so hard to keep it together and I feel like I am struggling more now than when my Dad passed. Feel free to reach out if you would like to talk.

Thank you Brenian. Im so sorry for your loss too.How long ago did your dad pass away if you don't mind me asking?

 God i hate not having a mum , or at least not a mum here physically.. anymore.. feels so wrong,  how I wish i could go back in time. Sometimes my life then just feels like a dream,  and my mum was a part of that dream world! Just writing that brings me to tears again,  I feel like I can't and don't want to cope with being without her she was the shining centre of my world and now I feel like my world is grey ruins without her

[Orchid]

We all are in the same boat. Losing a mother is never easy for anyone. We are here because of our mother. A mother is the only person with whom we had an extra 9 months relationship. My mother had many dreams in her childhood but she couldnot fulfill her dreams because she got no support from her family. So she thought her child will fulfill her dreams. I always thought when I will get my first salary, I will bring her sweets from my own money and how happy she will be by looking at her son's gift. She always wanted to go to abroad and I have said her that one day I will take her to a foreign country. She always wanted her own house but always said that in this life whether she would be able to build a house or not. I always wanted to give her everything she deserves. I have never told her how much she means to me and how much I loved her and now I regret that. I couldnot see her taking her last breath due to covid protocols and that guilt will stay forever with me. Even if I will fulfilI her dreams, I will not get to see the smile on her face . That haunts me that I am alone now. I don't know when I will get the energy to deal with it but I hope we all get the energy to deal with it. Hope you also get the energy to deal with it. But remember we are our mothers because we are a part of them. We have come from them. We are basically them. So I don't know when I will die but I know one thing, I will fulfill my mother's dreams and make her legacy known.

[Missmybeautifulmum]

I hope we can all continue to support each other,  Im. going to start from today,  to at least do a little exercise each day and do one nice thing for myself. I feel like my grief crosses into self pity at times.. (I guess that's normal & understandable though)possibly also due to losing one of my older sisters last August as well,  grief has completely overloaded me. I need to remember that others are suffering too and going through the same thing and try and find some kind of path to start to move forward even just a tiny bit. 

[Orchid]

2 hours ago, Missmybeautifulmum said:

I hope we can all continue to support each other,  Im. going to start from today,  to at least do a little exercise each day and do one nice thing for myself. I feel like my grief crosses into self pity at times.. (I guess that's normal & understandable though)possibly also due to losing one of my older sisters last August as well,  grief has completely overloaded me. I need to remember that others are suffering too and going through the same thing and try and find some kind of path to start to move forward even just a tiny bit. 

We all are together in this.

[reader]

This forum has meant a lot to me and given me  tremendous support. 

Grief levels us all and it's hard to keep going. Keep taking it moment by moment. 

Orchid is right and we are all in this together and we'll keep supporting each other the best we can.

 

[Missmybeautifulmum]

Thank you Reader & Orchid.

Is anyone else experiencing feeling of panic? Last night I was trying to watch a film but feel so agitated I can't relax.. kept feeling in the edge of a panic attack. Im also finding it really hard to sleep at night & then eventually awake with such a heavy,  dragging feeling in my body & a barrage of thoughts about my mum.. if I could just speak to her even just one time so she could let me know she's ok,  I feel like I could have some peace! But she can't (aside from in dreams) Starting to feel again today that all I want is to be with my mum and have a hug from her bit I know I will not get that in this life again so I don't want to be here.

I think I need something maybe,  even just something herbal.. to cope,  do you guys take anything?

[llm]

I see a lot of people writing about feeling guilt.  I lost my mom suddenly (2 years ago), and she was alone in her apartment.  I feel massive guilt regarding this.  I think all kinds of things, like did she suffer, was she scared, did she feel pain?  I know we should let go of guilt.  I know I always tried to be there for my mom and help her.  But that day, I told myself to go to her place after work.  I texted her but she didn't respond until an hour and a half later- by that time I was already home.  We were texting back and forth until after 8 pm, then she stopped responding.  She was on pain meds for her back, so I thought she maybe fell asleep, or just packed it in for the night.  She was also hard of hearing, so I knew if I went to her place at that time, there was a good chance she would not hear the doorbell, and I did not have a key.  So I stayed home, but deep down I knew something wasn't right and just hoped for the best (she was just suspected of having cancer at the Dr's, and we did not even get enough time to have a diagnosis before she was gone).  I don't know what happened, but the EMT's felt she passed around midnight (natural causes).  I discovered this the next day, when I went to her place to pick her up (we were supposed to go shopping).  The cops had to break down her door- it was very traumatic.  I honestly think I will never be able to let go of the guilt of not going straight to her place after work, and knowing she died alone.  I think these two facts will haunt me forever.    

[Missmybeautifulmum]

33 minutes ago, llm said:

I see a lot of people writing about feeling guilt.  I lost my mom suddenly (2 years ago), and she was alone in her apartment.  I feel massive guilt regarding this.  I think all kinds of things, like did she suffer, was she scared, did she feel pain?  I know we should let go of guilt.  I know I always tried to be there for my mom and help her.  But that day, I told myself to go to her place after work.  I texted her but she didn't respond until an hour and a half later- by that time I was already home.  We were texting back and forth until after 8 pm, then she stopped responding.  She was on pain meds for her back, so I thought she maybe fell asleep, or just packed it in for the night.  She was also hard of hearing, so I knew if I went to her place at that time, there was a good chance she would not hear the doorbell, and I did not have a key.  So I stayed home, but deep down I knew something wasn't right and just hoped for the best (she was just suspected of having cancer at the Dr's, and we did not even get enough time to have a diagnosis before she was gone).  I don't know what happened, but the EMT's felt she passed around midnight (natural causes).  I discovered this the next day, when I went to her place to pick her up (we were supposed to go shopping).  The cops had to break down her door- it was very traumatic.  I honestly think I will never be able to let go of the guilt of not going straight to her place after work, and knowing she died alone.  I think these two facts will haunt me forever.    

Really sorry you lost your mum. I think that it's really common in grief for it to bombard us with feelings of guilt and regret.. doesn't make it any easier though! It sounds like you were doing exactly what any loving daughter/ son would have done with the information you had at the time,  your mum passed suddenly -  you had absolutely no idea that was going to happen. I know it doesn't help much though when people say this stuff,  people have said this kind of thing to me but I still feel those feelings although I guess they have gotten a tiny bit better. 

But yeah,  I share your pain.. my mum was unwell  (with MND) but I had no idea she was going to pass away that night that she did,  although I was worried as she appeared v weak when I video called her the night before. I went to care for her for 5 months last year but then she had a team of full time carers after that and my brother and his family close by. I struggled with anxiety & depression as well as some health issues myself including fatigue and found it so hard to see her so debilitated. I saw her for 2 weeks over Christmas but then couldn't see her again until April due to Covid,  though I called her several times a day on video chat and was constantly checking how she was etc. I still feel I should have stayed up there .. if I had known shed only have 5 months left I would have! I had no warning,  I naively perhaps thought that we'd get warning she might only a few months left and was planning on moving back there to be with her, but that chance was taken from me due to a medication that I don't think she should have been given , which caused a sudden decline and she died less than 2 days after taking one dose. I feel awful for not checking on her more that night again I just thought it was best to let her rest and that the carer would call us straight away if anything happened but we just heard she'd died the next morning! Idon't know how it was really if she was in pain etc,  the carer was a bit fuzzy with info I think she was in shock My poor mum.. my only consolation is that her disease didn't have the chance to break down her body anymore before she died. 

[Missmybeautifulmum]

I'm finding memories of my mum before she got sick are surfacing more now but they are painful too.. she was so vibrant and active! I don't know,  I'm just having a terrible day today all I can feel is the loss and pain, every breath I take hurts and I don't want to be in my new reality!

[Aru]

14 hours ago, Missmybeautifulmum said:

I'm finding memories of my mum before she got sick are surfacing more now but they are painful too.. she was so vibrant and active! I don't know,  I'm just having a terrible day today all I can feel is the loss and pain, every breath I take hurts and I don't want to be in my new reality!

It is indeed painful and much hard to accept this cruel reality. All we need is each other's support.

[Beatrixszabo]

21 hours ago, Missmybeautifulmum said:

I'm finding memories of my mum before she got sick are surfacing more now but they are painful too.. she was so vibrant and active! I don't know,  I'm just having a terrible day today all I can feel is the loss and pain, every breath I take hurts and I don't want to be in my new reality!

Everybody says think of the good memories. Of course I think of good, what do they think?  I want to remember the bad things? But remembering the good is so heartbreaking.  I don't know how I survived the days in the last 5 and a half weeks really.

[Missmybeautifulmum]

42 minutes ago, Beatrixszabo said:

Everybody says think of the good memories. Of course I think of good, what do they think?  I want to remember the bad things? But remembering the good is so heartbreaking.  I don't know how I survived the days in the last 5 and a half weeks really.

Same here,  the good memories are heartbreaking at the moment as I remember all that I had.. the kindest,  most loving ands caring mum who was so healthy before she got struck down with such a cruel disease! Now I have lost her and will never have her in my life again! That level of complete adoration, unconditional love and support (as well as someone who actually thought I was special and wanted to hear all the little details of my life that no one else would really care about) I get flashes of nice memories and she feels like this dream that I have now awoken from into a nightmare where she no longer exists.

[Pikapool]

I'm sure the moderator won't approve this , but lemme tell you , you lost ur will to live because you lost ur mother , I lost the will to live because of my mother too (she isn't even dead) . It's a different kind of pain.  Her sheer existence is an issue for me.