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Promises


BBB

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I understand. I go through this as well. I’m mad A LOT at my husband. I know he didn’t want to leave us, but then I feel like maybe if he would have fought harder? Maybe if he would have gotten a check up, I was always encouraging him to see his doctor regularly; he always put it off. So I totally get the anger, even when we know it’s not rational. I don’t know what’s rational anymore. I pray every morning that he returns to me, knowing it’s not “rational”. God help us❤️

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I'm mad. I'm mad because he made me so many promises. We would get married, we'd go to Universal Studios because he'd never seen the Harry Potter stuff, he'd do this, get me that, support me through some troubles I'm going through now. He promised me decades. Wonderful memories.

I found someone someone to spend my life with, and make my life just a bit easier to live through. He gave me purpose, he inspired me.

Instead he chose the worst thing to get high off of, it changed his personality, and he just offed himself, perhaps accidentally, I'll never know. 

So yeah, it makes sense. I pray he returns. Or that I can wake up two weeks ago, and not to this daily nightmare.

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Our feelings are what they are, neither good nor bad, just to deal with.  I felt a period of anger too when my husband died.  It doesn't have to make sense although sometimes people have good reason to feel angry.

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foreverhis
On 6/30/2021 at 5:23 AM, BBB said:

I'm sure some of you roll your eyes and think "oh there goes ANOTHER post by BBB".

Not me!  I've been there myself, especially at first.  It was as if I had so many questions and so much to vent out and so much that needed to processed that I could not shut up.  And everyone was so kind in replying and talking to me.

I don't respond to every post, but I read most of them.  I will never (funny, I rarely use always and never these days) think you are posting ("talking") too much.

On 6/30/2021 at 5:23 AM, BBB said:

I know that she loved me and I know that it was totally not her doing but I'm still mad that she didn't keep her promise.

That is a tough one.  I was raised to not make promises unless I was as sure as possible that I could keep them.  I've kept that up, especially with my much younger baby sister, our daughter, our granddaughter, and my sweetheart.  Consequently, I don't make a lot of promises.

Years before his cancer, I promised John that I would never put him in nursing home when we were old and decrepit.  I didn't, but he did have to go to rehab twice and was in and out of the hospital for 3 months.  I couldn't keep my promise that he would go home at the end.  Between the time we decided on home hospice and actually getting him home, his body failed.  He spent his last day at the hospital in a beautiful private room with floor to ceiling windows overlooking his favorite courtyard.  But it wasn't home.  I know he was pretty out of it most of the day because he had been on comfort care.  I knew.

I've been angry on and off for years.  Angry at myself, the doctors, the universe, and even at John.

I don't think it's at all unusual for you to be angry at your lovely wife, even though your rational mind knows that doesn't make sense.  She promised to never leave you and she did.  It doesn't matter to your heart that it wasn't her fault and that she would never have left you on purpose.  You felt you couldn't promise because you knew that something could happen to you and that it eventually would. 

Though I'm sure her promise to you included the unspoken, "in this lifetime," your perception of it and your feelings about promises in general, no doubt affect how you feel now.  I suspect that your angry feelings will wax and wain over time, much like all the other feelings we experience with such deep grief.

I wish there was a way to ease us all through it, but we know there is not.

 

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My love had promised he would never leave me but he wasn't given the choice. His body was taken from him. I'm not mad at him. I am mad at the doctors.

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On 6/30/2021 at 7:23 AM, BBB said:

I know that she loved me and I know that it was totally not her doing but I'm still mad that she didn't keep her promise.

BBB:  Before my husband passed I was angry with him over something and still am. He was suppose to take care of something that might just have prevented his death but he didn't. I was angry when he had to be admitted to the hospital because of it and I am angry now. But I don't look at it like he left me. He did leave me with some problems to deal with but he didn't leave me in the way of walking out on me and being some deadbeat husband. Unless your wife literally walked out on you I don't think she broke her promise. I'm sorry you are in such pain. I have caught myself losing it and asking my husband "why did you leave me?" But I know he didn't really leave on his own will. 

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foreverhis
1 hour ago, tnd said:

Before my husband passed I was angry with him over something and still am. He was suppose to take care of something that might just have prevented his death but he didn't. I was angry when he had to be admitted to the hospital because of it and I am angry now.

My one extended family member who lost her husband a few years before mine died is still angry with hers as well.  He refused to make the changes that were necessary to save his health and life.  Even after his first surgery, he wouldn't make those changes.  Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference in the long run, but there's a good chance it would have. 

While I had and sometimes have a little anger with myself and with John for various reasons (including not pushing harder for tests and getting things done), I'm most angry with the medical community for not taking things seriously sooner and for delays along the way.  I'm angry about some of the care he received in the first rehab.

But I will never be angry with John because he died and left me in this life alone.  He would never have left me on purpose.  We made a private wedding vow to each other that "even death won't part us now" (from West Side Story's "One Hand, One Heart").  We made that vow because we believe it to be true.  Although the faith we have ended up not being exactly traditional, it is strong and enduring.  So I know that he is keeping that promise.  I have faith that he will be there with open arms and heart when it's my time.  I hope he will have forgiven my faults and failures as I have long since forgiven him for his.

 

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On 6/30/2021 at 8:23 AM, BBB said:

Sorry I go through periods of time where I clog up the messaging boards. I'm sure some of you roll your eyes and think "oh there goes ANOTHER post by BBB".

I very seriously doubt it.

 

Quote

I know that she loved me and I know that it was totally not her doing but I'm still mad that she didn't keep her promise.

Understandable and "normal" (for lack of a better word). It's OK to feel that way.  

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On 6/30/2021 at 5:23 AM, BBB said:

I clog up the messaging boards.

I look at it as you are our "topic starter",,,we can all use these discussions!

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

I look at it as you are our "topic starter",,,we can all use these discussions!

Same here. I know this won't sound right but the more I can read about how others are doing and getting/not getting through it somehow helps me. 

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foreverhis
22 hours ago, tnd said:

Same here. I know this won't sound right but the more I can read about how others are doing and getting/not getting through it somehow helps me. 

Sounds about right to me.  Knowing we are not alone and reading/talking about how we're getting through is one of the best things I can imagine. 

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