I just lost my love to addiction

[Magda]

This feels like a waking nightmare. I'm 41 and we was 35. He passed away last Thursday. He was turning 36 on July 31st, I almost finished buying his presents. 

Although we knew each other for 7 months, we talked about getting married, all the things we had wanted to to. But he suffered from alcoholism and anxiety, and other medical issues that kept cropping up. And I don't know if it was accidental, or he just really got depressed, but he went too far.

I don't even know how to cope. I want to die. I always wanted to go, my life has been a sad, lonely mess. He was a light in my life that inspired me. But now, nothing makes sense. I used to joke I wanted to live to 120, he said he didn't want to live that long. For my birthday in March he gave me a card that said 41 down, 79 to go. I can barely imagine another day without him, but 79 years? 40? 20?

I blame myself because we hit a rough patch. I knew he wasn't himself, but I just wish I said things and did things differently. Though it's not fair, I'm angry at his parents because he lived right under their roof, he'd moved in to help them pay bills when they lost their jobs a while back. 

Everything, every memory hurts. I feel so cheated. I waited 41 years for a good man and he died so soon, so suddenly. I just don't know how to feel. I feel like I've lost my will to live.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss of him, your loss of dreams, everything.  And of course you feel angry, you have every right to be!  Our love and anger can coexist.  In time the anger passes but we of course wish things had gone differently, had a different outcome.  We examine ourselves and everything we said/did, "what ifs" in a way to find a different outcome, only there is none save the one that happened.  This is all a process and it takes much time to make our way through it.  It behooves us to be understanding and patient with ourselves.

I can relate...my husband came to me three weeks before he died and confessed he's been using Meth, his boss got him onto it to get more work out of him.  They didn't need to do that, he already worked as hard as anyone can (he was a welder) and they were already breaking weight limitations.  This same place (Country Coach) stole his thousands of dollars worth of tools and he had them locked up (they stole that too).  No company representative at his funeral, no card or flowers, nada.  And he gave his life for THESE people?!  I'd rather he pump gas anywhere.  We'd have gotten by.  I've had to get by these 16 years since without his income, we definitely would have made it w/o that stinking job.  And I know why he did it, he didn't want to lose my health insurance.  I lost it anyway.  The one thing I couldn't do without was HIM!  But I've had to.  Had to grow old alone.

Right now everything hurts.  Memories, songs, even his favorite foods, everything's a trigger.  The pain will diminish but I can't say when definitively, our journeys are all unique as is our timetables.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KimK]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. You're a beautiful couple. Come here and vent and grieve as much as you want. People on the outside don't understand. I didn't. How could you? Hugs to you.