Grieving and God

[BBB]

I know I'm in the minority with this belief but am I the ONLY one here is is pissed at God for allowing my wife to die? Non-believers needn't answer because there's no one to be mad at.

 

[DMB]

What I was taught and subsequently led to belief is that God loves you, right?  Yeah there are times in our lives where we will absolutely deny him.  This is one of them.  

[Beau]

I am.

It's real anger. It's not a "I'm sad but I understand" or "I find comfort in knowing there's a plan to everything". No. I know there is no mysterious way amazing enough, loving enough, fatherly enough to justify the way her life ended. I am not interested in infinite wisdom or perfect love. This was wrong. 

I have never been a model Christian, but I tried. I wanted to emulate my wife's true faith. When I couldn't make peace with life, Annemarie would help me. I don't feel like trying much with God anymore. I don't know what for. 

[BBB]

Can understand Beau. I was raised christian and went to church every Sunday. But this one, I can't get past.

 

[Beau]

I've gone into confession and heard mass since Annemarie died, but it's not working. I am angry to be there, to be told about mercy, justice, promises and miracles, but know that for us it's too late. Being there feels wrong and makes it worse. I don't think I'm going to bother this Sunday, or the next.

[tnd]

I'm angry. I do not know any other way to look at it right now. I can thank God for not letting my husband suffer anymore but why did he have to suffer at all in the first place? He didn't deserve that. And his faith in God was very strong. That's probably why I even continue believing. Because my husband did and I know he would want me to continue believing. But I am really questioning it and I am angry that who I've worshipped is supposedly the same one who took my husband. Not that my husband ever belonged to me. He wasn't a piece of property. I've been told that all of us are God's children and we belong to Him, not to each other. Okay. But it feels very wrong that the one I loved the most and shared a life with is gone and in peace while I am living in misery.   

[widower2]

5 hours ago, BBB said:

I know I'm in the minority with this belief but am I the ONLY one here is is pissed at God for allowing my wife to die? 

I suspect most people feel similarly to some degree. 

(takes a breath) Hope what I say doesn't offend anyone, just my take (which I think I've mentioned elsewhere). Oh and btw I have railed at God, cursed God like a drunken sailor, and questioned his existence with the best of them. I'm no model Christian, or human being for that matter! But I don't think God actively, purposefully "takes" our loved ones. It's life being life. (To borrow a movie quote: "deserve's got nothing to do with it")  He set the wheels in motion (with the Big Bang presumably) and like throwing a deck of cards in the air, however they fall, they fall. If He intervened any time something bad was about to happen, that wouldn't really be life; it'd be him pulling our strings like a puppet. A hollow existence, ultimately. I think He hates bad things happening to us as much as we do. 

I know, who cares, I'll take my chances if it means having my loved one back. I get that. I don't think it's seeing (or more to the point, wanting to see) the "big picture" though.

And when I'm furious and cursing his name don't try to tell me this. I talk a good game.   

 

 

[BBB]

Here is why I get mad at God - I'm too logical. That's it. That's really what it boils down to but I'll explain further.

My mother is very religious and I try to stay away from the God conversations with her because she always has an answer and does not remotely see my point of view. When my wife was sick, she fought for nearly three years. I probably got to a lax point until the beginning of 2020 when things started to go downhill. The entire time though, even during the time where she was clearly getting worse, I never believed she was going to die. I prayed constantly and truly believed in my heart that God was going to heal her. When she died, I was in shock. To a point, I still am. I can't believe that God took her.

For those of you who say that you don't believe that God takes anyone, personally I think it's semantics. I could just as easily say "God allowed her to go". Maybe to some there is a difference there but to me there is little difference between God took her and God allowed her to go. Many people, including my mother, think there is a difference. I of course think differently. It's like a bank robbery where there is one guy in a getaway car and three guys go in to rob the bank. The guy in the car does not rob the bank but he allows the bank to be robbed. He does nothing to stop it. So I kind of chuckle when people say God did not kill your wife, cancer did. Ok, that's true but he had the power to prevent it and he did not.

 

[Ashkil83]

Yes I’m pissed!!! 

[Magda]

I tried giving it up to God. My beau was being irrational because he was huffing dust off. He wasn't himself. I decided to just give him space and hope he snapped out of what he was doing.

There was a possibility he'd die, but no one ever thinks it'll actually happen. God's been good to me. Couldn't He just have him end up in the hospital, so he could realize how dangerous his drug use was? Did He have to allow him to die? He was such a good man in all other respects. Why, why take him?! My guy, of all people? 

Why would God allow this? So many others survive, because of the simplest things. Drug addicts in their 50's and 60's. But he allowed a 35 year old man with a full, beautiful life ahead of him to die.

Really, God, there was no way you could have intervened?

[KayC]

20 hours ago, BBB said:

am I the ONLY one here is is pissed at God for allowing my wife to die?

I think it's common to feel this anger, we've talked about it in your other threads.  I don't look at it like God did this!  Life happens.  Death happens.  I try not to get philosophical about it, nothing fair about life/death.  It is what it is.  I read a book years ago "Why Bad things Happen to Good People."  It was a good book but I doubt any of us would like or agree with the edict that has occurred to any of us.

[BBB]

We have talked about it on other threads but it still pisses me off so I feel the need to talk about it. I don't think God did this but I think he allowed it. Subtle difference and you are in the opposite group or mindset than me. I'm not making assertions that either side is right or correct but that we all feel differently.

And some of us get mad at God, while others don't.

[tnd]

5 hours ago, BBB said:

And some of us get mad at God, while others don't.

I'm mad at God but I am still going to try to keep my faith in Him. Not easy and it almost feels like an insult to continue praying. But I do. I remember my husband telling me something like if we had all the answers or knew everything, we'd be equal to or greater than God but we are His children, He is the Father. We are not to have all the answers. We are not God. Which I guess might explain why we're left feeling hurt and confused and asking "why?".  I want to get out of this phase and get to where I feel at least a little less pain. Right now it's easier to be angry and cry because that is all I feel that I have in me for the time being. I am so sorry for your pain. I hope it lessens.    

[Perro J]

I am coming up on a year - and I am still mad at God. My own sense of faith and understanding of God doesn't really fit the mold of traditional Christian churches. I have my tickets to travel back to Ecuador in 12 days for "la lapida" or tombstone. There will be a special mass held for her. Her permanent tomb marker will be placed. When I had visited in February, I had attended a mass in the morning in a church built in 1557. As I have never been baptized, I did not take communion. As go church ladies, this news got back to her Mom. I know her parents are disappointed that I have turned down their offer to have me baptized on this upcoming trip. I don't like letting them down - but it is not for me. I don't want to be a hypocrite.

My love, however, prayed the Rosary daily. I have a video of her singing in my kitchen. The lyrics in Spanish are about how Christ has the power to heal and save. Let's call it cognitive dissonance for me now. I cannot reconcile it. In spite of the contradiction, I still find value in the Bible stories. I find it doubtful that a book that has had such a profound social impact for almost 2000 years has no redeeming value in it. I have read a Bates version of the Bible all the way through, along with a secular concordance written by Isaac Asimov. The Bible has great depth to it - and to dismiss it as mere fairy tales is to sell it short. Yet I am also very wary of those who read it and take everything as literal truth. I think that approach misses the mark just as much.

I think I can summarize my point as this:

Our faith must be congruent with our experience. In many ways, my love was my redemption. Yet losing her, I swear to you I would rather have remained un-redeemed. I may not learn in this world the reasons behind her being taken from me far too soon; but I wish to keep the faith that I will someday understand and be reunited with her, even if only in spirit, again one day.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Perro J said:

I find it doubtful that a book that has had such a profound social impact for almost 2000 years has no redeeming value in it.

Perro J:  My uncle told me that out of curiosity, he sat one day and intentionally thought of all kinds of problems in his life, his family's lives or in the world. He then opened the Bible and found that no matter the problem or question, there was an answer in the Bible. He said that altho the Bible was written long ago, problems and worries haven't changed much for people. He said no matter what it is, the Bible covers it (problems). I found that interesting. And to be true. I have my husband's Bible but don't feel up to reading it right now. But I have read and used it time to time. I think what you are feeling about being Baptized is understandable. And it's probably good to admit your feelings on that. That was courageous. And I don't think people should do anything just because their family or friends did and think you should, too. We all just have to do what we feel up to right now and what is best for ourselves. I can only hope to get answers to my most difficult questions and in the meantime, "deal". 

[widower2]

On 6/30/2021 at 1:27 PM, BBB said:

We have talked about it on other threads but it still pisses me off so I feel the need to talk about it. I don't think God did this but I think he allowed it. Subtle difference

Agree to disagree; it's far from subtle...in fact it's profound and immense. Also infuriating and repulsive in the extreme. And a very slippery slope.  

We act like "why did God let my loved one die?" but what about all the other premature deaths or terrible sufferings that happen to people every day across the world? Life isn't all about us, even though we think it should be sometimes. Why does God cause or "allow" all those though? Again: I think he set the wheels in motion knowing bad things would happen to good people, but knowing it wouldn't truly be LIFE otherwise.

Mind you it's an understandable rant, given our pain and anguish. But again it's IMO not seeing the forest for the trees. This is, unfortunately, part of life. To act like "well OK but it shouldn't happen to ME" isn't fair or realistic. And to think it makes sense for God to sit there and point and go "OK that person dies, that one doesn't because they're a better person" or "because that would cause pain to this other swell person" etc etc isn't either. If only bad things happen to bad people, we aren't really living life. We're living a hollow imitation. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Perro J said:

My own sense of faith and understanding of God doesn't really fit the mold of traditional Christian churches.

And that's okay.

[BBB]

Widower2 I have to say that I don't think that two people can have any more polar opposite opinions that you and I. I disagree with most of what you post here. To me, it is not a profound and immense difference at all. Too each his own.

 

 

[june483]

No I am not angry at God -  ...... I don't know why my Rico's time was up when it was but I thank the Good Lord everyday that I got to be his wife.  I cannot imagine my life without him in it.  

His brother had special needs and because he was too much for my in-laws to handle, we became his surrogate family.  He was like a brother to my children and a stepson to me and we took care of him for 19 years.  When we lost him at the age of 31, I thought we would lose our minds.  But, I thank God everyday for those 19 years.  He enhanced our lives so much and we learned so much from him.  Yes it still hurts but I am so glad we got to have him. 

Same question we answered earlier:  If God asked you if you wanted your loved one for x number of years, or someone else for your entire life what would you say?

God is good and He knows what he is doing.  We are like ignorant children.  We can't second guess or think we know more than we do.  We have to accept and deal and try to make the best of the time we have left here on this earth.   

[widower2]

6 hours ago, BBB said:

Widower2 I have to say that I don't think that two people can have any more polar opposite opinions that you and I. I disagree with most of what you post here. To me, it is not a profound and immense difference at all. Too each his own

That's OK BBB; I'm fine agreeing to disagree and don't pretend to have all the answers (or any!). Just my .02