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Struggling to come to terms


CM255

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Hi all,

I had to put my dog of 11 years to sleep yesterday and I'm shattered. I can't even begin to come to terms with him being gone.

He was diagnosed with arthritis at the start of the year and we started treatment for him straight away. He responded really well to it and was back to running and jumping around as normal in no time. Then out of the blue, he started having issues urinating and pooping. When he would go to have a pee, he would go into a squat and stay there, straining for a few minutes but nothing would happen. The vets said it was most likely the arthritis, did an x-ray which came back fine and gave him a new course of treatment. But it persisted, so they did an ultrasound of his prostate as it seemed a little sore. It came back okay, nothing out of the ordinary. Then Friday of this week rolled around. He was still having the issue, but it was worse. Took him back to the vet for another ultrasound. They discovered 3 tumors. They had developed in lighting speed. Yesterday he went down hill and yesterday evening we had to make a decision - the best decision for him. He passed away surrounded by his family @ 10:30 last night.

I can't cope. I have never cried as hard as I did saying goodbye to him and holding him one last time. He was so wonderful and loving right till the last second. The whole process was so dignified and caring, and he didn't die in pain or had to suffer his ailments. But I can't stop crying. I got home at 11:00 last night and went to bed. I didn't sleep a wink. I just kept crying. I feel so nauseous and angry. I got up this morning and everything is right there in front of me - his toys, his bowls, his bed, his harness - he was the best part of my life and now it's all gone. I don't know what to do with myself. Part of me sits here wishing I had gone with him. We had such a special bond. He has seen me through so much. I've never felt pain like this, I can't stand it. I know it's only been a day but I can't get a hold of myself.

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To CM255,

I am sorry for your loss. I am new to this site too and I am unsure of the procedure to offer support to you and what I mean is I am in a similar situation. The last 18 months have been terrible, January 2020 we had to have our Cornish Rex euthanized and it was also sudden because he was having kidney issues but the treatment caused "bad" side effects and he went downhill fast. In February 2020 our Catahoula Leopard Dog started having seizures after he received a vaccine and we started him on medication and on March 30 2020 he had 10 seizures overnight and we took him to the Vet and they tried to get them under control but couldn't and had to euthanize him and then on December 13 2020 we had to have our female Chihuahua euthanized because she no longer was responding to her heart failure treatment. In January 2021 my friend of 37 years died from many medical issues. Although his death was expected still a shock. Then came my worst fear even though I never thought about it in March 2021 my wife of 34 years died suddenly and unexpectedly and I am now caring for her mother who has dementia all by myself. Two weeks ago I had to have our last dog euthanized because the nasal tumor he was diagnosed with in January 2021 started bleeding profusely after a sneezing attack and we were to that it was not treatable when it was diagnosed so it was a matter of time but after everything else I am at my breaking point and if it wasn't for MIL I wouldn't get out of bed. I also had those memories of the toys and beds and such and as long as I had a dog it was bearable but I am not at this time getting a dog so I gave away all of the dog things or put them "away". All of the Pets  "we" lost in the last 18 months were cuddlers and would all sit with me.My wife had gotten 2 kittens recently before she died and they are not, I barely even see them. I am sorry if this doesn't really help you but I do know the pain you are feeling and I hope you can find what will help you, I haven't found anything myself.

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nothingness

@CM255 I'm so sorry for your loss. It is the worst pain imaginable. I had to get xanax to be able to be able to cope better. You might want to see if you can find a grief counselor or pet grief group near you. I have found both and I think it helps to talk to people who understand.

 

@John9 I'm sorry for all your losses. You've been through so much in a short period. Can you tell me what vaccine your dog had the bad reaction to? I lost a dog to seizures 8 years ago. He had a grand mal seizure out of nowhere and then was having small seizures nonstop and we couldn't get it under control.

 

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@CM255 I am so sorry, I know the pain all too well, like it was yesterday, but it was August 16, 2019 (my dog Arlie had inoperable cancer).  You know it's the kindest decision for them but oh so hard for us!  My heart really goes out to you.  

Do what brings you comfort, I still have my dog's coat hanging on my chair and I hold it when I need to hold him.  I had my sympathy cards on my dining room table for over 1 1/2 years.  There's no time frame when to do things.  I wish there was some easy way through this but I know of none.  (((hugs)))

 

 

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Thank you all for your replies - it's comforting to hear how others are in the same boat. I think that is part of my problem - outside of my family and the vet clinic, everybody else I have spoken to has said the typical "it's a hard thing to do", "you made the right decision", it takes time" etc, and just seems to accept the fact and move on. I can't - not now anyway. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to feel like this for a very long time. This kind of grief is new to me - I've lost people, my grandmother passed 3 years ago and that was terribly sad but I came to terms with it quite quickly and got on with things. This is totally different, I'm so many emotions all at once, my head is spinning.

But thank you all again for your responses - being able to express this and know that people have experienced the same thing is helpful, as least I know it's possible to find acceptance at some point. It will just take a very long time.

This was my boy, by the way. His name is Tyson. He was my best friend ♥

STP60844.JPG

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CM255,

Tyson was a handsome dog and I know it can be hard to deal with but if you are a believer like I am, he will be there waiting at the Rainbow Bridge for you. I am believing that is what happened when all of my pets "greeted" my wife on the day she died and the one who went to the Bridge 2 1/2 weeks ago. It is one of the only things that is keeping me going through all of my losses.

 

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@John9 Hi John, my gosh you've been through so much in such a short space of time. I can't even imagine how heavy your heart is. I hope you find solace knowing you are not alone. I hope we can both find a way to accept the hands we've been dealt. Take care ♥

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CM255,

Thank you, I don't know if I can ever truly accept what happened. I am forced to live with it because we can't change it, but as you said it is hard. I miss my pets and sadly I don't have my wife to comfort me.

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Tyson was a beautiful dog, I am sure he was a lot of fun, he looks it from the photo. I am truly sorry for your loss.

I know the pain well and it's the toughest thing I've been through. I know people have had those very close to them pass - I really haven't had that yet. But I will say losing my cat in such a sudden way, so horribly, I literally felt like my heart was breaking in half. 

It's why I joined this forum, to deal with my grief and to give some comfort to others. Only time and patience brings some kind of peace. 

 

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21 hours ago, CM255 said:

This was my boy, by the way. His name is Tyson. He was my best friend ♥

STP60844.JPG

Oh my gosh, he is BEAUTIFUL!  Husky?  They're my favorite, my Arlie was Husky/Golden Retriever, my son's dogs have all been Huskies except one Husky/White Shepherd, and I now have a Klee Kai, miniature Husky.  He should take me to age 83, didn't figure I could handle a full size one at my age although I miss it so much.  Miss the Husky talk, Arlie was an amazing communicator, quite a tonal language.  He was the goofiest dog I've ever had, and always smiling, just like your Tyson.  Even when he had cancer and was suffering.

@John9  I'm sorry for all you've been going through as well.  :(

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nothingness,

Sorry somehow I overlooked your question. My belief was it was his rabies vaccine as the first seizure he ever had came "soon" after and when I started doing research on seizures and causes the vaccine is "known" to have side effects like that. I contacted the Company but they blew me off and then he had the multiple seizures and I refused my other dogs the vaccine.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

Oh my gosh, he is BEAUTIFUL!  Husky?  They're my favorite, my Arlie was Husky/Golden Retriever, my son's dogs have all been Huskies except one Husky/White Shepherd, and I now have a Klee Kai, miniature Husky.  He should take me to age 83, didn't figure I could handle a full size one at my age although I miss it so much.  Miss the Husky talk, Arlie was an amazing communicator, quite a tonal language.  He was the goofiest dog I've ever had, and always smiling, just like your Tyson.  Even when he had cancer and was suffering.

@John9  I'm sorry for all you've been going through as well.  :(

 

Thanks @KayC. He's a husky/german shepard mix. His coat was stunning - this picture was taken in the summer when his coat was at it's thinnest, but in the winter he was such a big fluff ball with a big smiley face. His personality was definitely leaning more towards the Husky side - he loved letting you how he felt about things! 

On 6/29/2021 at 8:06 PM, AJWCat said:

Tyson was a beautiful dog, I am sure he was a lot of fun, he looks it from the photo. I am truly sorry for your loss.

I know the pain well and it's the toughest thing I've been through. I know people have had those very close to them pass - I really haven't had that yet. But I will say losing my cat in such a sudden way, so horribly, I literally felt like my heart was breaking in half. 

It's why I joined this forum, to deal with my grief and to give some comfort to others. Only time and patience brings some kind of peace. 

 

I'm so sorry for your loss @AJWCat. Any loss is heartbreaking, but sudden loss is a whole other kind of torment. I needed some kind of outlet, just to get the words out in some form, this forum has been a great help. I hope you have found some relief for your pain. I have no doubt your cat is watching over you ♥

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I wondered if there was German Shepherd in him as well, I have a lot of German Shepherds in my neighborhood, it's a wonderful mix!

Yes, sudden loss is horrible.  Although watching my Arlie suffer to death bit by bit was a horror in itself.  You live grief.  :(  I wish you some comfort and peace in the days/months ahead.  I was so distraught over Arlie I was tempted to dig up his body just to see his sweet face once again, it horrified my son to hear that, but I assured him I knew better, I know once they're laid to rest, there's no going back, but still, it's just SO HARD!

It does help to express yourself and know you're heard and that others "get it."  We do.  :wub:

@John9  That sounds a horrible experience.  In my county they literally force us to get them vaccinated, if they're dogs...cats can escape unnoticed because they're not licensed.

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KayC,

In our county/city they do too if you license them and after my Catahoula died the certificates were for 3 years so I could still license them and the last one who died 3 weeks ago wasn't licensed since last December but we knew he wasn't going to live long and I didn't care what the city said. I have been "trying" for over a year now to get around to making a shadowbox for my Catahoula but never figured out what to do my wife and couldn't agree on it. We have the paw prints from the recent ones and other things but the design never came to happen then when the female chihuahua died and everything else I was so overwhelmed that didn't happen either. Then my friend died and then my wife died and then my male chihuahua and now I am just completely lost and walk around like a zombie hoping someone will "spike" me in the brain and end it all.

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I'm still waiting on my son to get me Arlie's pawprints (he took a picture after he died), it's been almost two years.  Also still trying to find someone who can make me a sign that say's "Arlie's fence", I still want one even though it's been a long time since he passed.  I had the fence built for him, I want it in his memory...same with his doghouse.  

 

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On 7/2/2021 at 6:50 PM, KayC said:

I'm still waiting on my son to get me Arlie's pawprints (he took a picture after he died), it's been almost two years.  Also still trying to find someone who can make me a sign that say's "Arlie's fence", I still want one even though it's been a long time since he passed.  I had the fence built for him, I want it in his memory...same with his doghouse.  

 

His pawprints would be a lovely keepsake to have KayC, I hope your son manages to get them for you soon. We've decided to make a little memorial for Tyson in the hallway, so everyone will be able to pay their respects to him. I'm waiting for his ashes to be returned to us. That should take another week. Then we're going to build a little area where we can place his favorite toys and his picture with his ashes.

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Maybe I am not understanding the "pawprint" . The last 7 pets that we had to have euthanized for medical reasons over the last few years, Our Veterinarians gave us an imprint of the paw from the pet at the time. This was from the Vet that my wife worked for and the Emergency Vet also. The ones from the Vet my wife worked for are in the shape of a heart and the other is  a circle.  So if we are talking something different I'm sorry for the confusion. Before my wife died she had ordered pictures from Fractureme for all of our recent pets and she never got around to hanging them up. I did hang them across from the pictures of her with one of hers "looking" at them. Hopefully they are all together now and happy.

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My son took a picture of Arlie's pawprint when he died, yet never got a copy to me, so not sure what you don't understand, I want a copy to keep.  I took his when he was alive but it was "in motion" as he sprinted through the house getting black paint all over the house in his wake!  It was comical at the time and I do have it up in my kitchen, but I'd like the picture all the same.

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So, the weekend was horrendous. Saturday marked a week since Tyson passed and at 22:30 (the time he passed the previous Saturday) we took a moment of silence to honor him and his memory. And it hit me. He's really gone. It just hit like a ton of bricks and I crumbled. My boy is not coming back. I'll never hug him again, hear him howl again, tell him how much I love him. I'll never get to stare into his gorgeous brown eyes again. My heart is in pieces.

I've contacted 3 different outlets regarding grief counseling - the first was a pet loss support group, I rang the number on their site and left a message as advised and no one has come back to me. The second was a local counseling service who offer bereavement counseling. On their website it says they also offer bereavement counseling to children for pet loss - I sent an email to see if this service is available for adults and I've got no reply. Today I rang a large counseling group who specifically say they offer counseling to people who've lost their animal friend but when I called them, I got text back to say they are on holiday until July 12th. I've never felt so alone as I do right now. I just need someone to help me, to talk to me and tell me I'll be okay. I feel like a part of me is missing.

To make matters worse, I'm scheduled to go back to work tomorrow. I've been on annual leave for the last two weeks. I'm not ready to face coworkers and management and work stuff.

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KayC,

Thank you for "clearing" up the misunderstanding, I am waiting for pictures from my wife's Memorial. They used pictures taken at her work that had never seen before and said they would get them to me and still I wait. I do understand the "frustration" and I am sorry if I added to your grief.

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CM255,

 I am sorry for the pain you are going through and I am not comparing my grief, but I understand the "missing". After I had to have our last Chihuahua euthanized and came home for the first time after going to the store and no howling I was extremely sad and of course I am still grieving for my wife and all of our other losses. I am not in the situation of going back to a "crowd" of people I am stuck at home ALONE with nobody to talk to but MIL with dementia who doesn't understand any attempts to converse. I think I would deal better with all of the distractions. I am not sure though because I really can't think clearly still. Sadly we will miss all of the things that made them special in our hearts. Right now because I have no dogs anymore I don't open the back door. I hope that someone is able to contact you soon to help you process the loss and pain you are feeling.

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nothingness
5 hours ago, CM255 said:

I've contacted 3 different outlets regarding grief counseling

I am going to PM you with my pet grief counselors contact info. She seems to be easy to get hold of and she has a masters degree in this (forgot the name for it, but grief/dying/etc) and used to work for a hospice before deciding to switch to pet grief counseling.

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than·a·tol·o·gy
/ˌTHanəˈtäləjē/
 
noun
 
  1. the scientific study of death and the practices associated with it, including the study of the needs of the terminally ill and their families.
16 hours ago, CM255 said:

I'm scheduled to go back to work tomorrow.

I will be praying for you, I know it's hard to focus on work when we're so heavy into grief.  I had to go back to work two weeks after my husband died, I had to go in day 5 and do their payroll!  I'm glad I was retired when I lost Arlie and Kitty.  Hard enough without that. :wub:

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20 hours ago, John9 said:

CM255,

 I am sorry for the pain you are going through and I am not comparing my grief, but I understand the "missing". After I had to have our last Chihuahua euthanized and came home for the first time after going to the store and no howling I was extremely sad and of course I am still grieving for my wife and all of our other losses. I am not in the situation of going back to a "crowd" of people I am stuck at home ALONE with nobody to talk to but MIL with dementia who doesn't understand any attempts to converse. I think I would deal better with all of the distractions. I am not sure though because I really can't think clearly still. Sadly we will miss all of the things that made them special in our hearts. Right now because I have no dogs anymore I don't open the back door. I hope that someone is able to contact you soon to help you process the loss and pain you are feeling.

The "missing" is one of the worst parts of all this, no doubt. Jut when I think I'm doing okay, I see something that reminds me of him and it all comes crashing back down again.

I feel like such a griper giving out about having to go back to work, because I know that there are people in your situation that do that all at home and might prefer the company of co-workers in the same room/building for a change. It's just the thought of facing people who I know from personal experience will not understand why I'm so upset/distant.

16 hours ago, nothingness said:

I am going to PM you with my pet grief counselors contact info. She seems to be easy to get hold of and she has a masters degree in this (forgot the name for it, but grief/dying/etc) and used to work for a hospice before deciding to switch to pet grief counseling.

I got your message Nothingness, thank you so much for your kindness. I've sent her a message. I wish we had some type of service like hers available where I live.

5 hours ago, KayC said:
I will be praying for you, I know it's hard to focus on work when we're so heavy into grief.  I had to go back to work two weeks after my husband died, I had to go in day 5 and do their payroll!  I'm glad I was retired when I lost Arlie and Kitty.  Hard enough without that. :wub:

Many thanks KayC. It went alright. I tried to put on my best happy face, as hard as it was it's just easier than having to have them same difficult conversation repeatedly. That's terrible! No one should have to go back to work that quickly after losing their spouse - that's just cruel.

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CM255,

My wife and I were very lucky when she was alive, since she worked at a Veterinary clinic since 1989 she was very aware of how much "other" people cared about "clients" and their "pets". One of the nicest things they would do for a pet family is send a card when they lost a member of the family. I feel that with (anti) Social media the actual personal touch is missing. This was something I said about her death on another post and the fact that her "human" Doctor never even acknowledged her death to the family. As far as co-workers not understanding, to some people they will never be a "pet parent". The attitude is it's just a dog or cat or whatever. To open your heart is to risk loss and I have risked it all and I feel I have lost it all. Good luck.

Sadly the comment about someone having to go to work so soon after losing a spouse is not how the world would work if I was in control, but as we all know I'm not in control of my own life let alone anyone else. Rules are made by people who have no idea on the effect to others. Usually those rules don't apply to "them".

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My job depended on me for many things and my boss tried doing my job and his, it was probably 19 hours/day and it had been years since he'd done payroll, so I told him I'd come in.  They were great,, they put up flyers around town, brought food, had someone talk to the employees about what to expect and how to best be there for me, they were amazing, wish I still had that job/boss!

I get your running across people that don't understand about being a pet parent.  I've been lucky with that in coworkers as most had dogs/cats, but not all.  I still run across some who "don't allow their animals on the couch or in the house," whatever!  Mine is my closest family and I treat him as such!

I'm glad work went okay, hope you're able to focus, that can be a blessing but also a curse!

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I emailed my vet about our cat after we lost him. I don't even think they replied... or if they did it was like, oh, okay. 

So, obviously didn't go back with our new girl. 

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AJWCat,

I am sorry for your loss and unfortunately my comment about Vet's is really a personal opinion. I just know that our Doctor who was "treating" my wife never acknowledged her death. It is basically what I had stated somewhere before, that Grief response isn't taught "anywhere" even in the medical field. Doctors I guess after awhile just become "jaded" and figure oh well everything dies "get over it". Move on get "another"....Not the things you want to be told or think you are being told when you have a loss of someone close to you, pet or human.

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II relate here too...never took Kodie to Arlie's vet, I feel they really let him down, big time.  Doctors are the same.  Once in a blue moon people find a good one, but it's too rare.  Everything is about $ and big conglomerates.

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