Is it goodbye....?

[Div]

I live in India and him in NYC. Was going to marry him in March.

He was put under medically induced coma after severe reaction from covid vaccine somewhere in February or March. He had some more complications and stayed in ICU for over 2 months.

I don't know for how long he was put under. I have no news since over 2 months now.

I also got serious covid in May.

We were going to marry in March or whenever I could get my visa which he was applying for.

I am unable to contact him or the source ie  his company's CFO. I've tried everything to no avail.

Is it time to say goodbye? Would he be alive after four months? Or, do I look up at the sky and say my goodbye? Should I wait longer? My life is so blank without him in it. I am already depressed after covid and have had bipolar disorder before. Feel like I should end my life.

I've not met him. Only know that he is real. I have been waiting for him each second in these over 4 months.

His 29th birthday came on 17th June and I couldn't even wish him.

[KayC]

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!  This has to be the worst, my heart goes out to you and everyone affected by Covid.  He will always be in your heart.  I am sorry for your loss, they would not likely keep him in medically induced coma this long.  Please do not harm yourself, reach out to someone, there should be a suicide hotline in your country as well.  My husband and I met through writing letters so I absolutely know someone can know the real person through internet.

Have you tried calling hospitals in his area?  You could check obituaries as well.  It is hard not knowing anything for certain or even having a date of passing.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Div]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!  This has to be the worst, my heart goes out to you and everyone affected by Covid.  He will always be in your heart.  I am sorry for your loss, they would not likely keep him in medically induced coma this long.  Please do not harm yourself, reach out to someone, there should be a suicide hotline in your country as well.  My husband and I met through writing letters so I absolutely know someone can know the real person through internet.

Have you tried calling hospitals in his area?  You could check obituaries as well.  It is hard not knowing anything for certain or even having a date of passing.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Crying through your every word....

[KayC]

I'm sorry you didn't get more responses, I'm surprised.  Your story is one of the most heartbreaking I've read.  I do hope you at least find your answer, you deserve that at the very least.  I wish yours had a happy ending...so unfair.

[foreverhis]

Hi Div.  I'm sorry you have had so much pain and sadness.  It is worse when you cannot be there in person or find information that you desperately need.  Going through serious COVID yourself makes it all the harder because it is difficult to care about our own health while we are so worried about the person we love most in the world.

Kay's advice to check hospitals local to your love's home is good.  As hard as it is to hear, so is checking on local obituaries.  Being in limbo must be torture.  I suppose knowing one way or the other would be best.

Just because you hadn't met each other in person yet doesn't mean that you do not know and love each other fully.  If anyone tells you otherwise, they are wrong.

I hope that you are able to find the answers you need.  I will keep a glimmer of hope that he is alive and will recover, even though I believe realistically that you are right and you would have heard from him by now.

I am glad you found this place.  Do not be discouraged by having so few replies just yet.  Your situation is a bit more complex and challenging than some of us are up to talking about.  Do keep in mind that all of us here have days and weeks where we simply have no energy to help each other.  It does not mean that we do not care and you are not alone.

[tnd]

I am very sorry about this, Div. This must be a terribly difficult time for you. All of us here have lost someone. You are not alone with your pain. Everyone here is supportive and we share our painful stories and then we are comforted by each other. Have you tried contacting a US Embassy where you are at or your embassy? I don't know but maybe they could help you get an answer about your loved one. 

[jwahlquist]

On 6/27/2021 at 6:07 AM, Div said:

I live in India and him in NYC. Was going to marry him in March.

He was put under medically induced coma after severe reaction from covid vaccine somewhere in February or March. He had some more complications and stayed in ICU for over 2 months.

I don't know for how long he was put under. I have no news since over 2 months now.

I also got serious covid in May.

We were going to marry in March or whenever I could get my visa which he was applying for.

I am unable to contact him or the source ie  his company's CFO. I've tried everything to no avail.

Is it time to say goodbye? Would he be alive after four months? Or, do I look up at the sky and say my goodbye? Should I wait longer? My life is so blank without him in it. I am already depressed after covid and have had bipolar disorder before. Feel like I should end my life.

I've not met him. Only know that he is real. I have been waiting for him each second in these over 4 months.

His 29th birthday came on 17th June and I couldn't even wish him.

I am sorry that you are hurting so.  The uncertainty has to be so difficult for you.   I am not even sure what to suggest.   You obviously know his name and where he lives.   Do you have social media accounts (Facebook, Instagram & etc) where you are friends with him?   If so try asking about his well being there.     As someone suggested try the hospitals though I am not sure how much information they would even give you as HIPPA laws are pretty strict.  If not then try searching the newspapers in the area where he lives for an obituary.  Or even funeral homes in the area where he lives.