Trying to cope and heal..

[SadSoul1]

Hello.

I am wanting to grieve over the loss of my beloved kitty BJ (Blackie Jr).

It hasn't even been 24 hours since I discovered his body and I am already breaking down inside. 

He was my best friend, and we shared a mutual love for each other. He would always sleep by my side every single night, he would always greet me when I came in from work, much like a dog does, and always wanted my attention.

I came home yesterday and did not see him all night, and figured he was outside. After I woke up and still saw no sign of him anywhere, I decided to look around the house. I find his body in the litter box, almost as if he just laid down in there to pass away. Immediately terrified of what I was seeing, I checked to see if he was breathing, and was devastated to find out he was not. 

I had him since he was born into this world, and once I saw him, I instantly fell in love. He was truly a wonderful creature. So loveable towards me and anyone that met him. Even those who didn't really like cats loved BJ, he just had that affect on people. I remember when he was a little kitten he loved to play, and i would always find all my headphones chewed up by him. It always made me laugh when he gave me that innocent look when he got caught. 

But after seeing he passed on, it breaks my heart that I won't have my best pal sleeping with me tonight, to greet me with joy as I come home from a long day of work, that I'll just never see him or hear him purr in general. He was only about 7 years old, and it's so unexpected to lose him so young. I keep blaming myself..did I do something wrong, what could I have done to ensure that he would still be with me right now..did he die knowing just how much I really loved him, and how much he meant to me not only as a pet, but as a friend, as a family member. 

I don't have much people to talk to about this, because they don't understand how impactful cats can be to owners. They simply tell me to get another kitty, but it's just not that easy. I miss him, and I hope that one day I can hug him and hear him purr again. 

Rest in peace Blackie Jr.. I will miss you so much friend. 

Thanks to all replies.. have heard that writing about the loss of a cat can help the healing process, so I decided to try.

 

[nothingness]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We understand your pain here. You might also want to see if you can find a grief counselor and/or pet grief group near you. I have found both and it has helped me to be able to talk to people who get it. I've found that outsiders say the most insensitive and hurtful things imaginable so I'm careful now about who I attempt to talk to about it. It is the most terrible pain imaginable. I'm so sorry you're having to experience it. But know that we're here with you, experiencing it also. 

[SadSoul1]

49 minutes ago, nothingness said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. We understand your pain here. You might also want to see if you can find a grief counselor and/or pet grief group near you. I have found both and it has helped me to be able to talk to people who get it. I've found that outsiders say the most insensitive and hurtful things imaginable so I'm careful now about who I attempt to talk to about it. It is the most terrible pain imaginable. I'm so sorry you're having to experience it. But know that we're here with you, experiencing it also. 

Thank you. 

I have been searching for these groups, as it only eats at me the as time passes. Worst part being I don't even know how or why it happened. He seemed so normal just a couple days ago..I don't know what went wrong and it hurts. Bottling this up will not help so I hope to find a group that help with alleviation..

[nothingness]

I hope that you can find a group. Or at least a pet grief counselor. It helps to be able to talk to people who get it.

I don't know for sure what happened to my baby either and it haunts me. He was totally fine one moment and dead at my feet the next. He was the spitting image of health. He was not old or sick or anything. Very active and healthy. He came toward me like he knew something was wrong and wanted my help and he collapsed right at my feet. I tried to revive him but couldn't. Within about 2 minutes, his heart stopped beating. 2 vets and one office staff (from 2 different clinics) have told me that it was probably an arrhythmia and his heart skipped some beats and then couldn't catch up. Either that or that he possibly had a tumor in his heart which burst. In either case, they all said there's nothing that could be done, even if he had been in the vet clinic at the time it happened. They said it's extremely rare that they're ever able to revive them when this happens and my vet lost one of her own dogs the same way last year and was unable to revive him. But, even hearing all of those things from these 3 people, I still blame myself for not saving him and not knowing there was something wrong. I still second guess what actually happened. I still have the images of him dying in front of me playing again and again in my head. I can't live with this.This is the most unbearable pain.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position as well.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It helped me to write about my Kitty, she lived to 25 but I didn't meet her until she was ten and got her when she was 12.  She was the most amazing cat, and she will live on forever in my heart.  It helps to immortalize them through our writing, they deserve their stories told.

 

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[SadSoul1]

12 hours ago, nothingness said:

I hope that you can find a group. Or at least a pet grief counselor. It helps to be able to talk to people who get it.

I don't know for sure what happened to my baby either and it haunts me. He was totally fine one moment and dead at my feet the next. He was the spitting image of health. He was not old or sick or anything. Very active and healthy. He came toward me like he knew something was wrong and wanted my help and he collapsed right at my feet. I tried to revive him but couldn't. Within about 2 minutes, his heart stopped beating. 2 vets and one office staff (from 2 different clinics) have told me that it was probably an arrhythmia and his heart skipped some beats and then couldn't catch up. Either that or that he possibly had a tumor in his heart which burst. In either case, they all said there's nothing that could be done, even if he had been in the vet clinic at the time it happened. They said it's extremely rare that they're ever able to revive them when this happens and my vet lost one of her own dogs the same way last year and was unable to revive him. But, even hearing all of those things from these 3 people, I still blame myself for not saving him and not knowing there was something wrong. I still second guess what actually happened. I still have the images of him dying in front of me playing again and again in my head. I can't live with this.This is the most unbearable pain.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position as well.

So terribly sorry to hear about this. I couldn't imagine it happening in front of my eyes. Speculations about what went wrong is also a factor that can put a weight on you, not knowing what caused the incident. It's still so fresh in my mind, that I consistently relive the image and reality that he's gone, and never get closure as to why that is. I too also am going through self blame, telling myself that I didn't do something right for my friend, and it made sleeping through it such a difficult task. I only live with the hop now that one day I can see him again. 

[SadSoul1]

45 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  It helped me to write about my Kitty, she lived to 25 but I didn't meet her until she was ten and got her when she was 12.  She was the most amazing cat, and she will live on forever in my heart.  It helps to immortalize them through our writing, they deserve their stories told.

 

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

I read through your entire story, and you had an amazing companion. It's seems like she went through so much, and deserved the years of happiness  that you gave her. They all do. I wanna thank you for the links, and the video, it sparked emotions, but it did give me the hope I stated in my initial post that I could one day see him again. To know he's not gone forever, and to see him run up to me again when I arrive. This is one of the hardest things I have to go through, and it is a painful and emotional time, but despite the self blame I give myself for it, he always let me know that he was happy with me, and I am forever grateful that I could make his time here a happy one. 

[KayC]

Yes, I felt guilt over Arlie, my sweet beautiful soulmate in a dog, I would have done anything for him.  He had acute chronic Colitis and I cooked for him all his life, lean meat, vegetables, brown rice, he couldn't tolerate the vet's Rx dogfood, nor antibiotics, but he could this, it kept his Colitis in check.  But alas he got cancer, I should have never given him the brown rice, I thought because it was complex he could have it, but no, rice feeds cancer, and I had no idea he had it as the vet never checked for it.  I will always wonder if I hastened his death in my efforts to take care of him.  But I loved him more than anything in the world, and I pray he forgives me when at last I see him again.