Another hard day

[WhoamInow]

In the first few months of 2021 I lost so much to death. Started with my ex brother-in-law, then my husbands uncle and then my husband. Today as it rains and I try to get ready, I need to attend our niece and nephews father’s memorial. Without my husband by my side. I can’t believe I’m here alone without the man I loved unconditionally for 35 years. I miss him I love him and I’m hoping beyond hope that I can keep it together today. My pain does not stop, the sleepless nights and days that seem to never end have been a constant for 3 months and 6 days now. I don’t want to be in this space in this place walking alone

[Diane R. E.]

WhoamInow; my heart breaks for you. My goodness; the things you have endured are more than anyone should have to bear. No one will ever replace your husband, but I wish I was there just to be with you. I too am alone and don't want to be in this space either, but here I am almost 9 months after my husband died and I'm learning to move forward. PLEASE take care of yourself and continue coming here to this forum. I'm thinking of you today!

[John9]

Hi,

I am sorry for your loss. I am not going to compare what happened to us/me with your grief but the last 18 months have not been good for me and I can empathize with the overwhelming grief. I am also now caring for my MIL who has dementia alone since my wife died and I feel like with everything that has happened it is just too much too soon for anyone and as you stated without the "one" beside you to help it seems wrong. My wife and I were married for 34 years and I loved her more the each and everyday and we were looking forward to our alone time and now I am alone alone. I have cried everyday since she died, I wake up crying I go to bed crying and cry throughout the day. If not for MIL I would not get out of bed.

 

[WhoamInow]

I’m glad you have someone. I understand your enormous pain. As I am a caregiver or I was. After hospicing my husband I’m not sure I can show any compassion now. I appreciate you sharing. Praying for all of us with such pain

[John9]

Thank you for the comments unfortunately if you have dealt with dementia, the "person" is not there and really not able to comfort me in my grief but she is a reason right now I go on.I am just so drained all the time from crying and trying to care for her.

[WhoamInow]

I do understand dementia as I was a caregiver/end of life doula for 41 years now.  I feel that you’re also in an impossible situation as I was in. I’m not great at advice right now however with that said what your doing for your MIL whether she remembers or not your amazing

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your losses.  It seems to me that another loss brings up the freshness of having lost our husband.  I do want to let you know that although this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, it does evolve and the intensity of the pain lessens over time...it takes much time to get there though.  It took me a good three years to process my husband's grief, and years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could live.  Then Covid came along and smashed everything down to ground zero.  I did it all once, I will do it again.  

My mom died of dementia (Lewy Bodies) seven years ago in August.  I'm now going through it with my sister, who fell and broke six ribs and is in rehab, she's named me in charge of her.  It's a lot.  I just want to say you're a saint, for the vocation you chose.  Thank you for your service.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[John9]

Thank you I am trying, I am doing this because my wife and I wanted to keep her out of a facility and I am trying to honor my wife. Sadly MIL never really liked me but she tolerated me because of wife and son.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, John9 said:

Thank you for the comments unfortunately if you have dealt with dementia, the "person" is not there and really not able to comfort me in my grief but she is a reason right now I go on.I am just so drained all the time from crying and trying to care for her.

John, my heart goes out to you as well.  Dementia is the thing I most fear as it runs in my family, both sides and I'm dealing with it with my sister now.  VERY hard.

[WhoamInow]

Some how I can thank others for caring for people and honoring wishes and promises some how I separate myself and ? Did I kill my husband? Did I do everything I could do with only 15 days? Did he know how much I loved him and how much it hurt to help him go home to our eternal life. Kay C your writing is so honestly written I thank you. I was asked yesterday what are you going to do???? My answer was “ the future is and idea that’s not guaranteed I have no clue what is ahead of me, as I’m still looking behind me. I appreciate this place to chat with others who have joined a club no one wants to belong to.

[John9]

To KayC,

My wife was afraid of dementia as well having watched her Grandma die from it suddenly when placed in a facility and now her Mother having it at a "younger" age according to Dr. which was why she lived with us. I never wanted my wife to develop dementia but would have done everything I could have to make her comfortable during it. This was not the future we thought we "earned", so much for Karma.

[John9]

To WhoamInow,

Some of what you wrote is what I think. What did I miss in "getting" her the proper care, even though it was never "serious" as far as any health care professionals were concerned. As I said before I only get out of bed because of MIL and only then because of honoring my wife. I don't expect to be around much longer nor do I want to be. I am not thinking of doing anything but if something was headed my way I don't think I would move. I have no hopes and dreams anymore nor do I have any desires or aspirations I just want it to be OVER. I had to go to the store today to get food for MIL as I have no real desire to eat and it was a terrible experience because "we" would run to the store just about everyday because she was always short of an ingredient for whatever she would want to cook. We didn't care if it was a trip to the store or sitting on the deck we just enjoyed being with each other and this hurts sooooo much and more each day. I "know" what people say and I say each person will do what they do and handle the grief how they handle the grief. I will never be able to process this in a way that will allow me to be able to "accept" what happened. I will grieve until I die and if it isn't correct sorry. I said God took her he can take me too as I see no reason for him to leave me here and I know some will say he has a plan but....

[WhoamInow]

John

As politically incorrect as it is I agree with you one hundred thousand percent. I’ve said the same words. 

[Gail 8588]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

. . . I will grieve until I die and if it isn't correct sorry. I said God took her he can take me too . . .

John9, 

I will grieve the death of my husband until the day I die as well.  There is nothing "incorrect" about it.  There is no "getting over" a loss such as this.  But the raw pain of grief does evolve into something much less painful.  It does evolve into something you can live with. 

For 3 years I gave God many easy opportunities to take me too.  God never did. 

I am now in year 5, and at this point in my journey, I do want to live.  Most days I am happy or at least content.  I think of my sweetie all the time and know the he is proud of me and all the things I'm doing.  I still wish he were here, but my thoughts of him are no longer painful.  

Gail

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I am sorry for the loss that brought you to this site, and I am "happy" you have found a way to process or at least get to the point you are. I, myself don't believe I will ever be there and I"m okay with that but I would never say that my way is right or wrong. As I said grief is personal and I would as much as I could support anyone's journey through this the worst  experience in my opinion you could possibly ever have. I don't like that this type of site "has" to exist for any reason not the least of which being that we are suffering through something this awful and "need" help that is hard to find anywhere but here.

[luckystarhongkong]

2 months before my wife passed unexpectedly she miraculously recovered from a severe sepeis(7 days in intensive care). She was grateful to the higher being and vowed to serve him in the rest of her life. In the past she was not particularly religious but she had a kind heart. She said prayers at every meals until her last day. I joined her and took up voluntary work with early success then suddenly she slipped away in my arms. To be honest I felt betrayed. Some may want to say there is some higher plan etc. But that's what I feel. Look at this world so many wicked people messing around enjoying longevity with their family. It's just not fair. And that's the very reason why there are so many tragic things happening everyday. Sorry if I sounds politically incorrect. Not meat to offend anyone.                                                     

[John9]

luckystarhongkong,

I Am sorry for your loss, I am in full agreement with so much of your comments. I am now becoming the "old" man who says I don't want to live in a world where this is allowed. I know that there are a lot of people who are totally religious and for them that is good, I however have always "wanted" to believe I do but I have a problem with the so called Organized religions because they can't agree on anything and they are too political. I am alive until "God" takes me because if there is a heaven I am not allowed to kill myself or I won't see my wife again. Also I have seen and heard of the horror stories of suicides gone wrong and then your problems re worse. But everyday the things people do and "get" away with make you wonder. I also am not trying to offend anyone but I write what I feel here and in my notebooks here it's "clean" there it's not.

[luckystarhongkong]

me and my wife were church goers since high school. To be honest we've seen quite a lot not very nice things. As I grew older I don't blame anyone as many of those things are the result of human nature. Religion in its original/pure form before it becomes close to power/wealth or organized is good in many ways. Life sucks and It's hard not to believe in something to endure it. Before she passed we were in the 'help the needy is to serve the higher being'. school. We did that with all our heart. And then this.

It's heartbreaking to see our 14 yo daughter who was very close to her mom losing her best friend. Is that wrong for me to feel bitter? Sorry that's what I feel I dunno what's right or wrong.

[John9]

luckystarhongkong,

I am probably not the correct person to give an answer to your question about being bitter. I have had every negative emotion there is since my wife died and I cycle through them everyday. My brain keeps doing what I call looping, it moves back and forth between the issues of her death and the issues of everything else I am dealing with. We didn't do the Church thing we just did what was "right" and yes then this. I have spoken of the Karma that people like to talk about but we were good people who did good for people and nothing makes any sort of sense. I don't think that there is right or wrong in how you feel, I have said grief is and will be personal and we need to do what we need to do for us to process this turmoil in our lives.

[luckystarhongkong]

John: yeah nothing makes sense. What we always believe has no meaning anymore. Before she passed we were grateful that we could be together after her illness and we did voluntary work/good deeds with all our hearts. That was the best me in all my life: full of gratitude and wanted to help others in every way. Now it seems I was mistaken. 

In our part of the world there is a saying it goes something like, ' those who commit evil deeds prosper those who do good die without a casket'; I don't really like this saying but now I think there's certain truth in it.

[Gail 8588]

I totally agree with all of you about how unfair this is.  I can't understand a God that would choose to take these wonderful people, my husband included, from this world.

I don't feel bad about how much anger I had about the injustice of it all. 

I think all the feelings we have with grief are part of the grieving process. Some emotions  we have to examine more closely and work through, such as guilt, as usually we are not guilty of anything other than being human.  

Anger is one that I think is often fully justified, but at some point it may be doing more harm than good to hold on to anger. 

I will always feel John's death was wrong. The world would be better with him in it. If God made it happen, God made a mistake.   But I feel it is more likely that God didn't make it happen.  Either there is no God, or God doesn't involve Himself in the lives of mortals.  This is just my opinion,  others have their own beliefs. 

I don't know how this is reconciled with what I just said, but I do believe very strongly that it is better to do good than to do evil.  I don't know how or why, because I do agree that often evil people do seem to prosper.  But some how there is a ledger or score card on all the acts of kindness and caring that happen in the world and that they out weigh all the acts of cruelty that happen and that it is important that the energy of our world is dominated by good. 

Inspite of all the injustice and suffering in the world, I do think there is more good. 

This turned into a strange sort of ramble, but I guess I'll go ahead and post it. 

Gail

[WhoamInow]

John9

how correct you are about “looping”. It just keeps repeating. Here I am again at 2:35 in the morning questioning every decision I have felt forced to make and the many I have yet to make. The days run into the nights and then everything is a blur. Another entire week went by and I left the house once for 4 1/2 hours. I’m rambling time to go

[John9]

luckystarhongkong,

I/we were always thankful for what we had and have and as I said we always tried to help others and my wife was probably better at it than I. But you are correct about the "evil" ones seeming to be "rewarded" while the ones who do right get punished. I am not the person I was when my wife died and because of her death I am very close to total apathy and don't like it, but how do you "feel" bad for others when your heart and soul are ripped out and you are empty because that is what it feels like to me.

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I understand everything you said and I feel some of it too. I feel as if I am being punished for something and that God "killed" my wife to punish me. I know that sounds wrong but that is what it feels like. If I am being punished for something taking my wife seems like a bit much to teach me a lesson. This is just a part of what me mind does to me on a daily basis. I have said before I want to believe in God and Heaven which keeps me here on earth suffering because if it is true, I am not allowed to end my own suffering or I will never be with my soulmate again. My wife and I always tried to be and do good for good's sake not because we were looking for a reward but we shouldn't be punished for it either. I also have a bad habit of going on a ramble or getting off topic but my brain is "fried" from grief and it is hard sometimes to stay on task.

[John9]

Whoaminow,

I am experiencing many problems and one of them is the time one, the time from my wife's death until now is 107 days which to me seems like 107 years for many reasons. And the 35 years we were together seems like hours. I just don't know what I am supposed to do or why I am supposed to do it. I just want it all to end, there is so much pain in every way physically, mentally and emotionally. I was always trying to take care of "our" health and now the issues I have had are worse and I don't care. I am here just taking up space and sucking up oxygen. My heart and soul are gone, I have an emptiness and nothing "feels" right anymore there is no joy anymore.

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

My heart and soul are gone, I have an emptiness and nothing "feels" right anymore there is no joy anymore.

 John, this is exactly how I feel. Every day I think of how life has no joy in it, nothing to look forward to, (other than dying). I think of the things my wife and I did and now I can't and won't do the same things because there is no joy in them. It will never be the same without her, even if the heartache lessens over time. How can it? She's gone, and the longing and missing her will always be there. Like I used to tell her, " you are my life and I need you" . All of us say those words when we have our partner, but now I know how true those words are.

[luckystarhongkong]

John: one need to be in love before he can love other people. I'm a hollow shell now so yes apathy is the right word to describe my current mental state

[luckystarhongkong]

Sparky: after the funeral my wife's best friend told me my wife knew very well that I couldn't live without her......

2 months before my wife's departure she recovered from a serious illness; afterwards she always told me she worried about me because if anything happed to her she knew I would be so lonely. She said our 14 yo daughter would be OK as she is mature and has a future waiting for her. She was so right our daughter has friends and school now she seems to be doing better than me though she's still in grief. After 32 years together I am at a loss how to live the rest of my life without my soulmate/best friend. 

[John9]

Sparky1,

I fully understand what you mean. I said and mean that my wife was my EVERYTHING and that is the truth. She was my WORLD and the only reason for me being who I WAS and now I have nothing material things that meant something to her are just THINGS now. I can't think about "anything" without being SAD because we did so much and liked so much together everything is a TRIGGER of emotions. I was not aware that the human body could produce so many tears. I don't expect to ever be able to say that the heartache will lessen because for that to happen you need a heart and mine was RIPPED out and torn to pieces so how could it recover.

[John9]

luckystarhongkong,

2 hours ago, luckystarhongkong said:

Sparky: after the funeral my wife's best friend told me my wife knew very well that I couldn't live without her......

2 months before my wife's departure she recovered from a serious illness; afterwards she always told me she worried about me because if anything happed to her she knew I would be so lonely. She said our 14 yo daughter would be OK as she is mature and has a future waiting for her. She was so right our daughter has friends and school now she seems to be doing better than me though she's still in grief. After 32 years together I am at a loss how to live the rest of my life without my soulmate/best friend. 

We never had a "funeral" as it was too hard to handle, but as you stated anyone that knows me knows I can't live without her. As for my son he is older and like your daughter he has friends and a life ahead and I am sure when I die he will be sad but will be fine. I am sorry if I am wrong but he doesn't need me and I can't be a burden on him so I am ready to go......

[KayC]

I only know that our feelings run the gamut in grief...but our feelings are not a good barometer of anything.  Our feelings just "are" and are there to contend with.  No answers, we all muddle through this the best we know how.

[John9]

KayC,

I "know" that sometimes things won't follow rules and I am not thinking in the ways I used to. But one thing I do know is just because you know that something is going to happen or should happen doesn't mean it will be easy when it does. That may or not make sense to you but that is my grief brain thought process. I am sometimes barely able to string two words together that make any sense and I used to talk to anyone about anything.

[WhoamInow]

I personally do not believe I will live through this darkness. I was up thinking crying unable to sleep until 4:30 this morning then the phone rang at 7:30. Damn it I lived through the night and he’s still dead. At the beginning and end of every single day. He’s dead he’s not coming back, I’m not capable of dealing or coping. I will never be the same. I don’t want a new life, or a future I want to be with him in peace. Something that’s not attainable on this earth

[Gail 8588]

Losing the love of your life is unfair, excruciatingly painful, confusing, and mind numbing. There is nothing easy about it. 

I had no idea how terrible it was until I found myself drowning in grief. 

I am so sorry you are all experiencing this too. 

Gail

[Roxeanne]

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I will always feel John's death was wrong. The world would be better with him in it.

 

That's for sure Gail...i have the same feeling!

And the same heartbreaking regret...

[John9]

WhoamInow,

1 hour ago, WhoamInow said:

I personally do not believe I will live through this darkness. I was up thinking crying unable to sleep until 4:30 this morning then the phone rang at 7:30. Damn it I lived through the night and he’s still dead. At the beginning and end of every single day. He’s dead he’s not coming back, I’m not capable of dealing or coping. I will never be the same. I don’t want a new life, or a future I want to be with him in peace. Something that’s not attainable on this earth

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. With the exception of the phone call and you stating he's still dead I could have and actually have written this in my notebooks.I am barely functional and am very afraid of making bad decisions and doing something wrong because my grief brain is fried. I can't eat and with the new grief diet I have lost around 40 pounds in 107 days, it is not recommended but my wife and I were overweight and knew it and we were starting to make choices to lose weight. I feed my MIL but not interested myself and sadly my wife and I loved our food. I am only here till I'm not hoping it's soon but reading that some have been going through this for years is "painful" to think I will continue to be "punished" or tortured.

[John9]

Roxanne,

I am of the same mindset, the world was better with my wife in it and now there is a hole. I am totally lost without her and I tell her that everyday. It is so hard to do anything but SCREAM and CRY.

[Diane R. E.]

3 hours ago, WhoamInow said:

I personally do not believe I will live through this darkness.

WhoamInow; I am so very sorry for your loss. Yes, this is the way I felt as well. But here I am, almost 9 months since Doug passed away, and I am inching forward in learning how to live without him. I don't feel a need to discover some grand purpose for my life, but rather to find a meaningful life. It's way too soon for you to be looking at your future, but I am going to continue volunteering (I've been volunteering at Covid-19 vaccination sites), and also get a rescue cat I can adopt into her forever home. Those may not work for you, but I urge you to look for something meaningful when you are ready. For now, read books and articles about coping with grief, cry and scream when you need to, and keep coming here to read, post and vent.

[KayC]

I know what it is to feel this.  I don't imagine knowing the rest of us have been there helps you in the moment.  I'm sorry.