Angry

[BBB]

I don't buy into the "7 stages of grief", however I do believe that we go through certain emotions that can also come and go. OR ebb and flow. Lately I've just been plain pissed and angry. I'm mad at life, mad at the world, mad at cancer, mad at the doctors and even as stupid as it sounds....mad at my wife. As mentioned in a previous post, I've even had dreams about me being mad at my wife and that never happened. I'm so mad I could pull my hair out sometimes. I feel like screaming. I feel like Sally Fields in Steel Magnolias, "I just want to hit something"!

 

[Jemiga70]

BBB, I can relate to this. Every day this past week has seen a different emotion - including anger - directed at those just as you described. The anger surprised me.

[John9]

Hi,

I have just stopped screaming into my pillow because it was physically causing me pain. I am and have been angry since my wife died on top of every other emotion that there is to experience. The dreams you are having I "want" to have, not to be angry with my wife but I am not seeming to have or remember any dreams about her. And of course this isn't helping my unstable mental health.

[LMR]

Hi BBB,

I am so sorry. You are clearly going through a really bad patch as you have been posting quite often. I feel for you, I have been having a similar time myself. I lost my love 10 months ago. Yesterday would have been our 45th wedding anniversary. Nothing has got better. I still can't accept that he isn't coming back. There is no logic to his not being here. My brain feels totally scrambled. I think that is what is happening with your dreams, you aren't really angry with your wife, your frustration is hijacking your thoughts.

Sometimes on those all consuming bad days my frustration leads me to say to him 'why couldn't you hold on a little longer'. But I know he was in a lot of pain by then and so very tired. I shouldn't be cross with him for letting go but this broken heart is almost unendurable, but endure it I do for the sake of my sister who I know loves me. I could not cause her pain like this.

There is something so wrong with this whole death scenario. It is like there is something I've missed, something fleeting that I cannot quite grasp, just out of my reach. Sorry for the rambling nonsense but I have no idea how to sensibly explain the weirdness and confusion in my head.

Don't get mad at yourself, you know it is not your wife that you are angry with.

Hugs.

Lyn

[BBB]

Thanks Lyn. I try not to beat myself up but either way this sucks bad.

[KayC]

On 6/26/2021 at 6:29 AM, BBB said:

I don't buy into the "7 stages of grief", however I do believe that we go through certain emotions that can also come and go. OR ebb and flow. Lately I've just been plain pissed and angry. I'm mad at life, mad at the world, mad at cancer, mad at the doctors and even as stupid as it sounds....mad at my wife. As mentioned in a previous post, I've even had dreams about me being mad at my wife and that never happened. I'm so mad I could pull my hair out sometimes. I feel like screaming. I feel like Sally Fields in Steel Magnolias, "I just want to hit something"!

 

The 5 Stages of Grief debunked
Stages of Grief and Other Lies That Don't Help Anyone | HuffPost Life
The Five Stages of Grief debunked
The Stages of Grief
Anger One of the Stages of Grief?
Anger stage

[jwahlquist]

I spent months being angry.  Angry at Ryan for leaving me.  Angry at the Emergency Clinic that didn’t insist he go to the hospital the night before.  Angry that they brought him back in the ER after his heart stopped because that meant I had to make the choice of when to take him off of life support later.  Angry that I was left to pick up the pieces of my life and expected to go on with life.  Angry that I couldn’t just lay down and die too.  I still have angry moments but mostly now I just feel so hollow and empty.   Some days I think the anger was better.  The complete lack of emotion is worse somehow. 

[John9]

jwahlquist,

I totally understand what you have gone through and am sorry you or anyone ever had to. I am also "upset" as to how our life fell apart because it seemed like nobody was listening to my wife when she called to say what she was dealing with. If it was one day sooner would...If I did this would...Why....I am not the smartest person nor am I even the smartest person in any room but nothing makes the least bit of sense on how things like what has happened to any of us happened and in my case so fast. My wife walked into the ER on Thursday morning and was dead Saturday night without having any previous diagnosed medical condition, the only thing that is comparable would have been a automobile accident or something like that. I don't understand it and I know people die suddenly and unexpectedly and I can empathize with people who have had it happen. I never had this kind of a death happen in my adult life so I was not prepared for it. Almost all of the "recent" deaths were of the "expected" type, old age, medical issues that were affecting quality of life, etc. but this one is the worst I have experienced ever and my mother died when I was 2. My wife was my first and only true love, she was the first in every way and I always put her first I did everything I could to make her happy and if she wanted something I did whatever I could to get it for her and if she needed or wanted something done I tried to make that happen to. She was my whole reason to live and now....

[tnd]

On 6/26/2021 at 8:29 AM, BBB said:

Lately I've just been plain pissed and angry. I'm mad at life, mad at the world, mad at cancer, mad at the doctors and even as stupid as it sounds....mad at my wife.

BBB: I, myself am going through the angry phase right now too. I am very angry. And I might be this way for a while. But I bet people will try telling me how to deal with it (no one on here of course, I am talking about people who are not grieving like those of us on here are). 

[John9]

tnd,

I also am going through the ANGRY stage and I have been since my wife died and also I am FRUSTRATED too, not sure if that is a true stage of grief just what I am going through and with all of the other "feelings" I am having I am so TIRED of it all. Yesterday I woke up to water all over the floor from the dishwasher and I can't really justify replacing it and now my car needs fixing "again" and it just seems like it keeps on coming. I KNOW I am just upset about everything but it sure does HURT. I agree that ALL of that FREE advice we will receive on how THEY would do it IF they were US sure doesn't do us any good and adds to the ANGER. I don't like feeling on edge all the time and because my wife died and she was the one I would talk to in these situations it makes it so much WORSE. I am sure that we all experience this sort of feeling and that is why the support we do get here works but I MISS her so MUCH. Today is 17 weeks (119 days) since she died and I know in the overall grief that is not long but to me it is FOREVER. I DREAD waking up every morning ALONE and I DREAD going to bed ALONE and of course I hate being ALONE all day because being with MIL is like being alone because she can't follow the conversation very well.

[june483]

On 6/28/2021 at 3:39 AM, jwahlquist said:

The complete lack of emotion is worse somehow. 

I never had the angry phase so I can't speak to it - I have been anxious, and sad, but mostly I have a lack of emotion.  I kinda feel like the water has spilled and I can't put it back in the glass so I am just staring at it and have a total lack of energy or motivation to clean it up.  Just feel like I am sitting and staring at it and immobile.  

[John9]

june483,

I am sorry for your loss, I also have no energy or motivation to do anything but what I absolutely HAVE to. I have said right now if not for caring for MIL, I wouldn't even get out of bed. But I am ANGRY all the time and I don't like it, I try to CONTROL it but it is HARD.

[KayC]

Oh John, I am so sorry.  It's hard enough to have days like that with them but seem all the harder without them here to give emotional support or talk over with.  You're right, I seldom use my dishwasher as I'm alone.  Easier just to do them by hand, I do use the racks to dry them in.    I hope you get the car figured out.  Ugh.

 

1 hour ago, june483 said:

mostly I have a lack of emotion

Nothing feelings
Numbed Out

[John9]

KayC,

Thank you, It's not like things were always perfect before she died but we could figure out a plan or something to do about the issue or problem. Things break and you decide to fix it or replace it as a team but now... I just HATE that I can't have that with her anymore. I just turned the water off and removed the knob so I don't forget that the dishwasher is broken and try to use it. I would close it off with a cabinet but they don't sell that one anymore so it wouldn't match and I don't want to deal with that right now.

[tnd]

9 hours ago, John9 said:

I also am going through the ANGRY stage and I have been since my wife died and also I am FRUSTRATED too, not sure if that is a true stage of grief just what I am going through and with all of the other "feelings" I am having I am so TIRED of it all. Yesterday I woke up to water all over the floor from the dishwasher and I can't really justify replacing it and now my car needs fixing "again" and it just seems like it keeps on coming. I KNOW I am just upset about everything but it sure does HURT.

John9:  EXACTLY. This is exactly how I feel. Angry, frustrated and tired. Sick of it all AND just plain tired out from it. When my mother found herself alone and with a heart problem, I took her in and just let her tell me what she needed and took care of it. Nobody else was. Nobody else did. But she had me and I tried not to push her and just let her live how she wanted. Well, I wish I had someone like "me". Someone who could help me take care of stuff that needs to be done. Insurance, look for new doctors, paperwork, all of it. But I am just being told to take care of this stuff now so there aren't any gaps in my healthcare and whatnot. And oh, at the same time, you need to clean and pack as best as you can until we get there "in another month" and oh, sorry but you'll have to put your grief on-hold. But once you get moved, then you can rest and heal and...grieve. Ooookay. 

John, I have a long list of problems or rather, crisis after crisis that my husband and I were dealing with. And now the one person I could confide in and talk to or had for moral support is gone. And yet there are things I have to take care of no matter what I feel up to because I've got to move. And I'm being told that "just one more month" and then gee, guess I will be "allowed" to fall apart. Well, who the heck is able to hold stuff in like that and put a date/place and time on when they will grieve?? There were instances when just having my husband sitting there helped me. It was like being a gymnast who has a "spotter" watch them in case they are needed. Well, I have no spotter now. But of course our spouses were much more than that. We could have a spat in the morning but by that evening, we'd talk about it and then be laughing at something stupid on the TV. Didn't have that with anybody else. Seems you are being expected to carry on as normal, too. And your plate is overflowing right now. I try to be positive, particularly because getting worked up affects my breathing but coming on here helps but I do have these moments throughout the day and into the night when I just feel all torn up, like roadkill. And the family I have that is so graciously moving me in with them is at the same time, a source of my stress and anger. I want somebody to listen and to reassure me but I don't want someone making me feel stupid and like I've got to be told what to do.  If that crap continues after I move in and call a meeting with them, I don't think my life will continue much longer after that. 

Don't know if this will help or not, but whenever I had a dishwasher leak on me it was the drain hose or the little round plug thingy on the inside of the door off to the left side near the edge (if that makes sense). The plug thing just needed to be reamed out and put back on. When it's plugged by debris or minerals, the dishwasher would leak out the front. If it was the drain hose, it leaked out the back. And if it was the drain hose, I was lucky to have a maintenance man come replace that. I have no idea how to do stuff like that and neither did my husband. But the dishwasher didn't need replacing. If you have to call someone, have them check those things out first...don't let them try to sell you a new dishwasher.  

[John9]

tnd,

I feel for you and your situation and I sure would like if there was a "SOLUTION" that we as grievers could tell the "HELPERS" to make them understand what we are going through. I had the same situation with the insurance paperwork and I messed that up and had to go back and correct that too and wait for a refund. My wife was the sole "breadwinner" so I had that to deal with and fill out all of the paperwork and deal with her arrangements and then MIL and don't forget to do everything else that needs done. I "GRIEVE" every day but can't fully let go because I have to care for MIL and I have said when she dies I will totally collapse because of all of the "other" deaths I have not grieved over in the last 18 months. I expect this but I won't fully be surprised if it happens before that because all of the other things are just causing too many problems that are adding up too quickly and it seems like nothing is "going" away just coming. My wife and I were at a "good" place in our relationship and we would just back off and not push things so we didn't have any arguments to add to our already stressful lives. I knew her and she knew me and that was the good thing about being together for 35 years when to stop pushing. That was also the point of being able to talk about anything good or bad and that's what HURTS so bad now.

[Gail 8588]

John9 and tnd, 

Your anger and frustration are totally understandable, appropriate responses to the really horrible turn of events in your life. Losing our soulmate is so hard and so unfair.

I am in  no way trying to be anything but supportive of your feelings.  However, I do want to mention that sleep deprivation is a major contributor to feeling irritable, impatient, angry.  When I finally got my sleep routine in a more normal pattern, my anger did soften. 

Hoping this helps you to find a path out of your anger.  It is  exhausting to be angry. 

Hugs

Gail

[tnd]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

I just turned the water off and removed the knob so I don't forget that the dishwasher is broken and try to use it.

John9:  I'm sorry you are without the dishwasher right now but removing the knob was actually a good idea. I wouldn't have thought of that and probably would have ended up cursing while water went everywhere. Being the only one here now I don't even use the dishwasher and when it was just the 2 of us I used it maybe once or twice a week. I liked handwashing my pots and pans and only would put little things in the dishwasher. 

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I understand cause and effect, I know that before my wife died if either of us had trouble sleeping "we" would be "crabby". Unfortunately I can't take and never have taken any sleeping aids because of MIL I have to be alert if something happens. I have said before that I haven't slept well for about 12 years, ever since my friend had his first stroke and it got worse when MIL moved in 5 years ago but when wife was alive I could at least try to catch up on weekends. Now I don't even have that option. I HATE all of the events and the issues that have come from them, but as I said before I can only do what I can do because if I "fail" at this too then what.

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

I so admire your commitment to taking care of your MIL.  In the best of times it is very hard being a fulltime caregiver of a person with dementia.  Doing it while grieving such a profound loss is even more challenging.  I wish there was some way you could get some respite help, to allow you to address some of your own needs, including some extra sleep. 

But you are doing a remarkable job in incredibly difficult circumstances.  

Gail

[John9]

tnd,

I is "funny" because when my wife was alive we didn't really use the dishwasher very much, only if there was a large amount of dishes. She would handwash the dishes sometimes just for a break from her mother. When she would cook and make a large "mess" in the kitchen and she really loved to cook. She was so happy when the "Dish Fairy" would come and clean up the mess (yes I was the dish fairy) We were such a good team in every way possible and of course that is part of why it hurts so much. Not the only reason but part of it. Everything I do or don't do is so hard because of everything we did and it just makes me so SAD and MAD all the time. I was using the dishwasher because it didn't seem worth it to wash a plate or a few cups so I would wait until the dishwasher was full but now I can't justify the expense and don't want to do the work to replace it.

[KayC]

John, I love that (the dish fairy), George would do that too, anything to lighten my load, he was so sweet, I miss him so much.  We just had a wonderful relationship and I doubt there ever lived a better husband, even with his mistakes, he was "the best."  Funny, that was what he always told me!  When we were friends I would write him not to fall for the first cute little waitress he saw, he'd have to run her by me, nothing but "the best" for him!  He'd write back that I was "the best!"  I never caught on until he told me after we were married! 

I want to say you are truly a good person, I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with fresh grief AND take care of a dementia patient at the same time!  My sister has dementia and is severely disabled and injured, and I am all she has...it's a LOT to take on!  You are amazing.  And you have plenty cause for feeling angry, life is not fair, for sure.  I admire what Gail has said, she comes from a good place and is right long term.  I take a sleeping pill every night as otherwise I'd get no sleep and it's essential for our health.  But if there's a noise or I have to go to the bathroom, I still wake up, it just helps me get back to sleep afterwards.

 

[John9]

KayC,

I was probably by all counts one of the "worst" husbands in the sense that I did everything for my wife and IF I had died she would have been totally unprepared for what was to come. But everything I did I did out of LOVE. I tried my best to make her life as GOOD as I could and I know she LOVED what I did for her, I just tried to remove as much stress from her life as I could. It didn't always work but I did try my best. I MISS her so much and it HURTS.

[LMR]

John9. It sounds to me like you were a wonderful husband. You clearly made you wife very happy. The things you post resonate so strongly with me. I can feel your pain as I too am hurting that much. It has become too much and tomorrow, or maybe the next day, depending how functional I am, I am going to go and check out this place where they offer counseling. I finally accepted that I need help.

Please look into "respite care'  in your area. They give you a few days off,  a chance to recharge your batteries. No need to feel you are failing, its temporary, it's just a little break for you both. Thousands who have less to deal with avail themselves of this service. If nothing else you will have time to rest and look to your own health.

[tnd]

10 hours ago, John9 said:

I know that before my wife died if either of us had trouble sleeping "we" would be "crabby".

John9:  Our spouses were like an extension of ourselves, an attachment. My husband and I felt the same way if the other didn't sleep well. Whatever affected him affected me and vice versa. And we talked about that a lot. I always believed that is what marriage is about. But what is so hard for me to grasp now is the idea that I no longer have that partnership. Am I just to consider myself as "not married" now? We took our time with getting married and so it's hard to suddenly think "Wham! Not married!" In my mind it doesn't even seem rational. How are we to accept that literally overnight we aren't in a marriage anymore? 

[John9]

tnd,

I don't know what anyone one else thinks about the marriage rules, But I am still wearing my wedding ring and I didn't agree with this ending. I know that officially I am a widower and I don't like that name either but it is a fact. I will always consider myself to be married to my wife and unless she tells me otherwise I will consider her married to me, yeah I know the "till death do us part" line in the vows but I didn't agree with that either. She is my soulmate and that means forever to me.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

She is my soulmate and that means forever to me.

John9: Forever and ever, Amen! That's what I have to say about it. I want to continue wearing my ring too. And now his. 

[june483]

On 7/10/2021 at 2:40 PM, KayC said:

 

Nothing feelings
Numbed Out

KayC - Both of these articles are so helpful as they both pertain to me.  I was numb for so long then I started to uncork my coke bottle but I could only do it when I am alone, a tiny bubble at a time.  I still got a lot of coke in that bottle and I think I'll still have some left when It's my time to go.  It is good to know I am not the only one that grieves one air bubble at a time. 

[Jemiga70]

11 minutes ago, John9 said:

But I am still wearing my wedding ring and I didn't agree with this ending.

John, your story resonates with me. Like you, I did everything I could to mitigate my wife's daily stress and to just make life as comfortable as possible for both of us.  Did I always succeed? Of course not. But I tried and I did it with love. I know she appreciated it. 

I wear both our wedding rings now.

[John9]

tnd,

I tried to figure out a "safe" way to wear her rings but I didn't want to risk losing or damaging them so they are in her jewelry box for now. I was also trying to figure out some way to "display" them in a way to honor her on or with her urn. Can't seem to figure out what is the way that seems to work for me and doesn't disrespect her.

[John9]

Jemiga70,

I am sorry for your loss, I cannot wear her rings because I don't want to lose or damage them. I am on my third wedding ring because I have ruined the first one and luckily we found one that was almost "unbreakable" The first one was gold and it was too "soft" and almost unrecognizable as a wedding ring and my wife didn't like the second one even though she picked it so she found the third a few years ago and it is a very "hard" material so it seems like a forever ring at least until I die.

[tnd]

6 minutes ago, John9 said:

Can't seem to figure out what is the way that seems to work for me and doesn't disrespect her.

John9: I don't think there is any right or wrong way. Keeping the rings safe might be a concern tho. 

[John9]

tnd,

That's why I won't wear them and I have them in her jewelry box for now. I was looking for something nice to "display" them safely with the urn but can't seem to find anything so they stay in jewelry box.

[tnd]

27 minutes ago, John9 said:

I was looking for something nice to "display" them safely with the urn but can't seem to find anything so they stay in jewelry box.

John9:  I would think the jewelry box is a good place for now. Because my fingers swell and then go back to normal I am afraid to wear mine and my husband's ring right now. I do but then I don't. I have them in a small decorative metal container that has a lid on the vanity in my bathroom that also stores Q-tips. That way they are within reach every day when I want to put them on or see if they will fit since my fingers change from day to day. It just gives me a good feeling to be able to touch them and put them on. And if I go out and providing they won't fall off, I plan to wear them. A necklace might be better for me but I don't like the feel of things around my neck.  

[Gail 8588]

I know the rules are that I shouldn't be wearing my wedding ring as our marriage legally ended with his death.  I don't care. I wear my ring just as if I was still legally married.  I feel married.  I certainly don't feel like advertising that I am "available" for a new relationship, as I am not open to that at all. (Not that there is anything wrong with anyone who feels differently.)

Maybe sometime in the future I will want to take my ring off, if I do, I will.  But for now, I will keep it on my finger. 

Gail

[John9]

tnd,

My wife wore a necklace of some sort for our entire marriage, I stopped wearing one when it became too hard to put on and take off at night. When she died the Funeral Home "offered" a charm with her "fingerprint" and since I received that I have worn a necklace all of the time to be as close as I can be to her. I am just afraid of wearing the rings on the necklace because I don't want to damage tor lose them and I don't want to lose the diamonds either.

Gail 8588,

I agree with the part about advertising because it is nobodies business if I am "available" because as far as I am concerned I will NEVER be. That is me and that is now.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, june483 said:

KayC - Both of these articles are so helpful as they both pertain to me.  I was numb for so long then I started to uncork my coke bottle but I could only do it when I am alone, a tiny bubble at a time.  I still got a lot of coke in that bottle and I think I'll still have some left when It's my time to go.  It is good to know I am not the only one that grieves one air bubble at a time. 

I am glad they were helpful to you...so important to know that what you are experiencing, although it may feel alien to you, that you are not alone in what you are feeling.  I doubt there's a reaction we've experienced but someone else has too.

21 hours ago, LMR said:

Please look into "respite care'  in your area.

Yes!  Dementia is one of the most challenging things to deal with...it runs in my  family, my mom, uncles, now my sister, it is extremely hard, nigh impossible, to take care of someone 24/7 with it for the simple fact of needing sleep and then there's the safety issue too, esp. as they advance to stage 3 & 4.  My mom had to be in a care center the last 26 months of her life, a judge ordered it and he was so right.  By that time she didn't know anything and was not bothered by it in the least.  I visited her often (I was still working so it was hard, esp. when I had to drive 65 miles home in the snow at night). I have no regrets, I did my very best...she knew me clear up to the end.

15 hours ago, John9 said:

I tried to figure out a "safe" way to wear her rings

The best way I know is to wear on a chain around your neck and tuck it inside your shirt so it's close to your heart but can't catch on anything.

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I know the rules are that I shouldn't be wearing my wedding ring as our marriage legally ended with his death.

Bull hockey!  There are no "rules" save the ones WE make!  OMG, if anyone dared broach that with me (and one person did once) I'd give them a tongue wagging they'd not likely forget!  None of their business!

 

[tnd]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

Gail 8588,

I agree with the part about advertising because it is nobodies business if I am "available" because as far as I am concerned I will NEVER be. That is me and that is now.

John9:  I agree. I don't know anything about a rule but if I want to wear my wedding ring then I'm going to wear it. Yes, I tend to think that if someone is wearing a ring it means they are married but I also know that they might be a widower. My husband wore his after his first wife had passed. I saw it on his finger but never said anything about it and certainly didn't remind him of any "rule". Once we started dating and were serious, he put it away. If I happen to be wearing mine and someone asks about it, I will tell them about my husband and how long we were married and how I told myself that I will always consider myself to be his "other half" forever.   

[tnd]

The anger surfaced again. As I prepare to move I find myself feeling angrier and angrier. I only did a little yesterday and then had to rest in bed. Couldn't do anything today. I am sick of being sick. And I'm sick of having to think about all the things I still need to do. Some of this stuff are things that my husband didn't take care of and he told he did or would. Nope. There is not one part or aspect of my life now that has not been affected by my illness or his death. And altho my brother and SIL (or just one of them, don't know yet) will be coming to move me, I still feel they don't "get it". None of it. And they will probably be mad when they see I haven't taken care of everything. Well, I can't. I just can't. It is what it is. And I'm angry that it has come down to this. Angry that I have to make phone calls to take care of some things and have to tell "my story" over and over again. And I don't know how it does this but even after spending time on the phone I am exhausted. And I'm angry about that too. 

[John9]

tnd,

I can definitely understand the constant having to retell the story, I was not able to make it through talking to anyone without crying or having to stop and take a deep breathe before I could continue. I was writing today and I had to stop and go into the bedroom and "cry-down" which for me is crying while I lie down and I just cried and stayed there for about 45 minutes. I can understand how things would have been put off unfortunately, I used to say that it was because "life" happens things will take priority and there is always going to be time "RIGHT" or at least there should be. I "hope" that in this case you are wrong and that your family will "see" that it is very hard for you to "take care of everything" and be able to help you but you know them and I am just hoping for the best for you in dealing with this stage so you can get to the next one. I am not dealing with those issues but I have way too much on my "plate" dealing with the courts in regards to my friends estate and everything else I have to deal with.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am just hoping for the best for you in dealing with this stage so you can get to the next one. I am not dealing with those issues but I have way too much on my "plate" dealing with the courts in regards to my friends estate and everything else I have to deal with.

John9: Thank you for being here and giving your support. This is about the only place I can turn to because sadly, everyone on here is experiencing the effects and fallout of grief. Just lost 2 more old friends...they stopped emailing me. I tried not to "lose it" in my emails to them and since they are thinking of moving to another state for retirement, I actually tried to sound upbeat about that. But nope...they've disappeared. Oh well. Guess it comes with "grief territory".    

[John9]

tnd,

I didn't have much and all I really have is my son and my wife's Aunt and if I lose them I don't know what I will do because even though this site is great, I do need some interaction or at least a voice to talk to. And yes HAPPY people don't like "US" to bring them down so they avoid us or disappear. I think that was part of my issue today and maybe many times when I lose it for the "NO REASON" reason. Just the random thoughts that pop into my head and the sadness overwhelms me and nobody to reach out to.

[tnd]

John9:  I've basically been without the benefit of human interaction since last December. But every time I'd talk to my husband on the phone I'd sound like everything was fine and that I was doing okay (health wise). I wanted to sound positive for his sake because he was sick and needed every ounce of strength he could get. I even told his family to be positive on the phone with him. His father had a bad habit of complaining to him about stupid trivial stuff and I prayed he would button it while my husband was in the hospital. I'm glad my husband never got to listen to the foul-mouthed mean voice mails his sister left me. She has problems. I do wonder if my husband knew that about her, tho and that he just never told me. Anyways, I tried to sound positive to my friends over their retirement plans. They deserve to be happy. But now they disappeared on me and I guess I've got to accept it. Funny how we are now "forced" to accept things. Before, I could always think about things and decide and even pick and choose my battles. Not so much now. They say where there is a will there's a way. And I believe that. And now it almost frightens me because I am starting to feel like I am losing my will.  

[John9]

tnd,

I accept the "human interaction" of a phone call because I can talk to someone that can respond, it is just that I lost my friend who we made call us twice a day for years AND my wife and they were basically my interactions and now I only GET to talk if I call in regards to something about my wife or friend or if my son or wife's Aunt calls me. Neither my wife or I really liked changes and having to do things we didn't want to and to be FORCED to do something we don't want to do is crap. I agree with the will and the way statement but I also feel like the WILL is waning and it is getting harder each day. You may be right about your husband and not wanting to say anything because I feel my wife kept things about her Mother from me too and now I am "forced" to deal with them alone.

[tnd]

John9:  I'm sorry you are having to provide all the care for your MIL alone now. You shouldn't have to but there you are...doing it. It's kind of upsetting to know you are doing all that by yourself and grieving at the same time. Shame on your wife's sister! She should be stepping in to help out or offering to help pay for home health care visits. Or to put her in a nursing home. I doubt your wife would have wanted you to be suffering like this. 

Well, it all goes to show how much just TWO people can do as a team. And how much is lost when we lose our other half. That's the part I am having trouble with when it comes to my brother and SIL. I told my SIL that I will have a lot of trash to go out (odds, ends, trash). She said "well, just do the best you can but try to take as much of it out as you can". What I heard was "try to take as much of it out as you can so I won't have to".  But if it were the other way around and she was me and I was her, you'd hear  "Don't worry about that. I'll take care of it when I get there. You don't need to worry about that". But that's just me. 

[John9]

tnd,

I know it is what I have right now, but it is my wife's Aunt not her sister because my wife was an only child which made it hard for her in this situation with her Mother. I am sorry you are having so much trouble being HEARD but people will only hear what they want to. As in you never said that or you should have said something, etc. I don't know what the answer is but I hope for the best when you are done with the moving and new Doctor visits and such. I am and was the way you said it and now that I "need" help nobody is stepping up for me, but as I said I can only do so much and that includes telling people what I am going through.

[KayC]

I understand your anger.

I left at 9:25 am and got home at 5 pm last night, took my sister to her denturist, then took her out afterwards.  Meanwhile I picked up my glasses, not perfect but I can read in them for the first time in YEARS so glad of that.  They don't seem like they're working perfectly together but my eyes are very complicated, I have prisms, different visions, etc, everything has to be balanced and perfect and very hard to achieve.  After getting Peggy in/out of the car and lifting her big heavy walker several times, I took her home and decided to install her new bedroom fan.  Her old one quit a couple of weeks ago and my other sister had a new one sent to her..  The power button is out of reach for Peggy, I told her not to attempt turning it off, to call me and I'd do it for her.  I don't need her falling by reaching.  I had to move the heavy bed, headboard and all of the precarious heavy stuff she had perched on it and around it in order to move it enough to reach the outlet, which was covered with dust/cobwebs, a fire hazard.  Got the old one removed and taken out to the garbage and the new one set up, moved the bed/headboard back and put back all the stuff I had to move.  It seems everything there is barely working and held together and she just has a path around her bed so she can get in/out and to the stuff she wants.  I got home to an alert for possible evacuation, there's a fire 4-5 miles from my home, so spent the next hour packing up my car.  Now everything I need to use is somewhere in the car, ugh.  I can't move the heavy tubs of pictures and no time to go through them.  I pray it won't materialize.  I got an email from sister Polly telling me NOT to install the fan, she wants it as a "back up" in case the A/C goes out or her other fan quits.  Good grief.  I wrote her back and said I just got home and got her email and I already installed it and IF the A/C or fan goes out I will get her a new fan, not to worry.  Got a message from Peggy after I took Kodie for his play date and ate some meat & cheese for dinner (no time) and she said Polly is mad at me.  Good grief.  I'd like to quit taking care of Peggy and let POLLY take over!  Haha, that's not going to happen.

Why oh why do we have families!!

John and tnd, I feel for you.  Oh and her denturist that advertises one day will make us go the 120 mile trip THREE times, not one!  LOL, nothing can be easy.  And they want me to come back to the eye doctor again, I'll be in with Peggy Wed. and back to her denturist Friday, watch them call me to come in Fri. afternoon!

[tnd]

KayC:  Whoa, my gosh! You are everywhere, doing everything! For everybody! There is no way I could do all that, even if I wasn't sick. Maybe when I was younger but not now. I almost hesitate to say this, only because it may seem like empty advice but really, please try to force yourself to find time just for YOU. Take a break. Tell everyone you need to hit the pause button so you can prepare for possible evacuation. And then do it. And then nap. Stay in-touch with us if you can if you have to evacuate. Let us know that you and Kodie are okay and safe. 

[KayC]

I've never napped, so that's out, if I could it would just mean I wouldn't fall asleep that night.  I told Peggy she'll have to find a back up driver this week in case I can't drive her because I will NOT leave Kodie home alone while there's a possibility of evacuation.  Got everything packed that we need, no room for the huge picture tubs or jewelry, just taking necessities.  I hope it doesn't materialize.  Air quality is awful, 122 yesterday, have had over 700 in the past (way off the charts) that was unbearable to breathe.