I need to do better tomorrow.

[Beau]

I was completely useless and lost all day yesterday and today. Crying and freaking out at all hours of the day, thinking of stupid, pointless scenarios that left me feeling worse. I couldn't eat, think, complete a single task at work, clean the house, I haven't seen one of the cats since yesterday morning and my baby has a diaper rash.

I have hit rock bottom before, but this is feeling hopeless. I even thought about calling my mother in law and telling her that she could come and pick up my son. I didn't but it was a very dark moment. 

When I was born, my biological mother left me with a neighbor for a few hours that turned into 31 years. I don't know who told me that this is what happened, but I just grew up knowing that I was not wanted. I keep looking at my perfect, healthy, sweet look baby and really need to find it inside me to want him like he deserves. I cannot allow him to grow up with that same feeling of "actually, I would rather not be with you, even if I made you and you didn't ask to be here". But something is off. I can't access the better part of me without my wife, the part that is functional and social, and feels genuinely alive.

Tomorrow I have to get up early and do something around the house. Find that stupid cat. Clean. Go to work and not lock myself up in the office but actually accomplish something. And most of all, I need to love my son like he deserves. Like he needs. 

God forgive me, I'm letting my son and Annemarie down. 

 

 

[foreverhis]

Oh, Beau.  I'm so sorry you are dealing with such pain.

Okay now, deep breath--and keep on breathing.  You had a very bad, horrible day today.  Is it possible that you are having some trouble finding a deep connection to your son because a bit of you, no matter how tiny, knows/resents that Annemarie died giving birth to him?  IMO, that would not be at all unexpected.  It is not "bad" to feel whatever you feel, as long as you understand that your love for your son must--absolutely must--supersede other feelings a good deal of the time for right now.

I have no doubt at all that you love your son deeply, even if you aren't feeling that way sometimes, because, if you didn't, you would have handed him over to your toxic MIL.  I suspect that your own abandonment and feelings about it do influence your parental feelings right now.  Honestly, if there are times when the only thought you can muster is, "I will not abandon my and Annemarie's son like I was left all those years ago," and that's the only way you can feel your love, then that's okay.

You will have days like today.  There's simply no way around the crushing pain of grief.  As long as you don't neglect your son (and no, diaper rash is not an indication of neglect; most babies have it at some point or another; as long as you treat it, you're fine) and pick yourself up the next day to make a stronger effort for him, for Annemarie's memory, and for you, then please don't beat yourself up too much.  As long as those days don't flow one into another, then you will make it through these most difficult first months.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit how many days I look at and know I did abso-freaking-lutely nothing.  I had one of those days last week.  I had trouble sleeping; I was dreading our wedding anniversary this coming weekend; my medical conditions were flaring; life seemed pointless that day.  The next thing I knew, it was 8 pm and I had accomplished precisely two things: Getting out of bed and getting dressed.  There have been times I force myself to do something for one of my friends or family members for the sole purpose of being able to think, "I don't want to let them down."  In a way, that's going have to be how you deal with your worst days right now:  Remind yourself that you don't want to let your son or Annemarie down.  I have no doubt it will be very hard at times and you may even resent it, but you know in your heart that it is what you need to do.

I am not saying to suppress your grief.  Not all all.  But you will need to figure out the times when you can allow yourself to fully let that simply be.  Maybe it would be a good idea to literally schedule times for that.

Of course I urge you to take good care of your son.  He relies on you to be there for him.  And yes, you should find the cat and make sure that all is well with your and Annemarie's animals.  It may also help if you can find the time to do some house care AND self care.  While it's not a matter of "wallowing" in grief because we are all in there with you, I've found that tidying the house and taking a shower makes me somewhat calmer and slightly more settled.  Now, maybe that's not what will help you, but it seems to me that even just feeding the cats, doing the dishes, and taking care of your son will give you a small sense of accomplishment.

Believe me, I am not trying to lecture or judge.  Lord knows the number of days I've thought to myself, "It's a good thing I only have to take care of me!" or when friends or family ask if I'm going to get another pet (our best loved ones died a while before John and we hadn't found new fur babies), I think and sometimes say, "Are you kidding?  I can barely take care of myself.  I'm not ready."  Heck, when our daughter sent me a pretty Bonsai plant the first Christmas, I opened the box and thought, "She's so sweet, but I really have to tell her not to send me anything I have to keep alive!"--and I did, explaining that I didn't have the strength to even tend a new plant.  That you have made it this far and are continuing to try tells me that you have a strength in you that you probably don't feel most of the time right now.  Tap into the love that underlies everything and maybe try to see the miracle that you and Annemarie created out of that love.  I truly believe you will get through this time, especially because you are coming here to talk about it.  That's a big step right there.

For now, I'm sending you all the loving thoughts in the world for you, your son, and the memory of your wonderful Annemarie.  Please remember that she chose to be with YOU.  You think the world of her, so maybe it would be good to remember that she returned that love fully.

((HUGS))

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

Adjusting to having a baby is really hard in the best of circumstances.  I often tell new parents, don't be surprised if you find there are times that you say "I can't do this, I don't want to do this or I am a terrible parent."  Most new parents feel this way!  I tell them, it's okay to feel this way, just don't act on it.  You can't really toss the baby out the window. 

These are 2 parent families, who chose to have a baby.  Me and my husband included. 

It can be overwhelming to have this little being be totally dependent on you. Babies cry for no apparent reason, for unreasonable lengths of time.  It's very frustrating.  Living with a new born means you are going to be sleep deprived, which makes you less patient.  All these things are true of 2 parent homes. 

You have all this on yourself plus dealing with your grief.  You are doing amazingly well.  

It is easy to think that other parents are doing better at this than you are, but that is not true.  They are feeling like they are doing this all wrong, that they don't know how to raise a kid, that they don't know why they ever thought this was a good idea.  But, they (most of them) really are good parents. They just don't know that all new parents feel this insecure. 

All babies get diaper rash occasionally.  Just paint that sweet bottom white with desitin for a couple of days and it will clear right up. 

The cat will come back. 

You are a good father!

Hugs

Gail

[KayC]

Beau, it is not you but grief working in you.  You will pull yourself up by your bootstraps and somehow do this.  Love on your baby, even when your feelings are void/numb...remember, this is grief and eventually we make our way through this.  Your child will be the highlight of your life, your incentive to keep going, you will not let him down like your mom did you.  I hope you realize by now that you are indeed very lovable and deserving and it was HER issues, not you.

[tnd]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Your child will be the highlight of your life, your incentive to keep going,

Beau:  I think the fact that you are taking care of your baby (and being his provider by holding down a job, feeding him, diapering him, etc) and keeping him with you shows enormous love and commitment. Maybe you can't see it because of the fog grief causes. Babies don't take care of themselves, YOU are caring for him. Even if it's difficult and you have a lot of thoughts in your head right now. But look at what you are doing/able to do and hopefully you will see that your baby is in good hands. BTW, I agree with Gail8588 about the Desitin. 

[Beau]

Thank you all for the encouragement and understanding.

On 6/24/2021 at 11:09 PM, foreverhis said:

Is it possible that you are having some trouble finding a deep connection to your son because a bit of you, no matter how tiny, knows/resents that Annemarie died giving birth to him?  IMO, that would not be at all unexpected. 

I really don't know. I look at him and hold him, and feel like he's a true wonder. I don't want his life to be covered by an aura of death, but I feel remorse for bringing him into such a messed up world to exist without his mom and I just feel... bad for him. Like there's nothing I can do for him, even if right now he doesn't need explanations or emotional support, I just feel so sad when I look at how great he is and yet there's nothing I can do to make things better for him. I can't spare him from grief he doesn't even understand yet.

Annemarie was 100% certain that she wanted us to be parents, and it took her a long time to convince me. Because what business do people like me have being parents? I hear people say "some people shouldn't be parents" and it was like I had to raise my hand and say "yup, that would be me". I have nothing to teach him, I don't know a better way, I don't cope with life as well as I should. And I told her... the only reason I was on board with having a baby was because of her. Because she was going to be the "whole" parent. The nurturing, sweet, steady force that she was in my life, she would be for our child and I would just learn on the go, improvise and maybe sabotage her very best efforts.

What happened to his mother isn't his fault, but it feels like we didn't plan things well enough. Never, in the worst case scenarios and weird conversations we had, did I think she would die. And it's not that I don't want my baby with me, but if I had known this is how things were going to play out, I would have refused to have him. For her. Because her life is over. But also because of him. Because this is not the way life should start. 

Yesterday was comparatively better. The house was still kind of gross, but things did happen and work was okay, managed to stay until last call and when I got home my son was awake, so we watched cartoons until sunrise and then the stupid cat came back on its own. I felt bad for it. I know he left because Annemarie was its person and I'm a very bad consolation prize. But he came back. I appreciate the loyalty. 

This morning I finally cleaned the rest of the house, but still managed to feel bad through it all. 

[KayC]

I don't think any of us plan for this scenario.

[Gail 8588]

Beau,

I'm glad Friday was comparatively better. That is the way it may be for quite awhile, some comparatively better days and some worse days.  Just try to remember in the bad days that a comparatively better day is around the corner. 

Glad the cat came back. They generally do.

You really are doing a terrific job as a father under the most difficult of circumstances. 

Gail

[jwahlquist]

On 6/24/2021 at 9:31 PM, Beau said:

I have hit rock bottom before, but this is feeling hopeless. I even thought about calling my mother in law and telling her that she could come and pick up my son. I didn't but it was a very dark moment. 

Let me just start by saying that you are had more fortitude than I did after my husband died. My daughter was 11 when he dad died.  I was in such a bad place that I did send her to stay with my in-laws.  I knew I couldn’t be the safe & stable place she needed even if I would have wanted to.   And truth be told……..I didn’t want to.   All I wanted to do was die.   Now after much therapy and some medications and support we are doing ok.  She still cries several times a week and she misses her daddy terribly.  
 

I know you said it seems like you don’t have much to teach your son but I think you will find that you do.  My daughter and I have managed to make it work.   She was definitely a daddy’s girl so it has been difficult but doable.  
 

Hang in there. ((HUGS))

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Just try to remember in the bad days that a comparatively better day is around the corner. 

II like that thought, will have to keep it in mind.

[Beau]

On 6/27/2021 at 9:11 AM, KayC said:

I don't think any of us plan for this scenario.

No, but Annemarie and I did plan to have a child. Either because we were overly positive and because Annemarie's cause of death is very unusual, we did not discuss or even venture out to think that she could indeed die. Or at least I didn't. Not seriously, not really.

14 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

 I was in such a bad place that I did send her to stay with my in-laws.  I knew I couldn’t be the safe & stable place she needed even if I would have wanted to.   And truth be told……..I didn’t want to.   All I wanted to do was die.

I fully understand this, and I hope you don't feel bad for leaving your daughter with her grandparents. It does take a village. 

[Gail 8588]

On 6/28/2021 at 5:34 PM, Beau said:

. . . It does take a village. 

Beau, 

I know your life is overloaded with all the things you have to do. But if you ever stop back here, just know we are all wishing you and your son the very best. 

Gail