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Anticipatory Grief For My Precious Mama


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My life changed on the early morning of June 13th 2021. My once healthy mama (who is 70) was having what appeared to be cold symptoms. Prior to June 13th, she would cough and wheeze sometimes, but she insisted she was fine. My sister, father, and I were concerned about her, but she said she didn't want to see a doctor. That early morning, her coughing was getting pretty bad. My sister and I (who live at home with our parents to help them out financially and such) came downstairs and were checking on her. She was sleeping on the couch because she was so tired from watching TV earlier that evening. My sister went to the kitchen to see about getting her some medicine and water. When she came back to the living room, she was panicking because mama must have passed out. We weren't sure she was breathing at first, but she was. We called 911 immediately and they rushed her to the hospital.

My mama was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and her heart is currently functioning at 10%. She also has A-Fib, something else we didn't know about either.

We've been visiting her at the hospital every single day while taking care of dad and the rest of the household needs. We don't know how much time she has left and we are devastated. We had no idea she had a heart condition even though CHF runs in her side of the family. Her mama (my grandma) died from CHF in 1994 at 75. Her uncle (the brother of my grandma) died from it in 2012 at 79. I believe her grandmother and great-grandmother died from the same thing.

I am so heartbroken. I am numb. I am angry. I just wanted more time with her in life and now I feel we are being robbed. I know that these are normal feelings of anticipatory grief and all types of grief in general. It's not that I didn't know she would die someday, I just hoped we would have more time together.

I am trying to hold it together but it's not easy. I am not a strong person and in some ways, I think the numbness and shock I feel are protective coping measures, but I can honestly say this is the most difficult thing I've experienced in my entire life. I guess there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's hard for me to keep the faith. I love my precious mama and I tell her that every day, multiple times a day. I want her to know and feel it.

 

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