Members Popular Post WhoamInow Posted June 24, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 24, 2021 I’m up again tonight searching for him waiting hoping praying for a text or a call. 3 months and 4 days “in a few hours”..I ache physically mentally spiritually. I’m unsure of what I want, unsure of what to say and to whom. Why am I writing this right now. Confusing it is I know, I’m not to make any life changing decisions but that’s all I’ve been doing!! Do the right thing, how do I honor his true life his love and what is that. Everything and nothing is important. Advice I want and don’t understand how she could say that, so I really don’t want advice? I hate what’s happening to me what happened to us. I can’t fix it but I fixed others. Tests can flow for hours even days, for no reason and for so many reasons. The ambivalence is too much just all over the map. Life goes on ok that’s great. But mine slowed to slo-motion on 3-5-21 it continued at that pace for 15 days. Then my entire world stopped, WAIT it didn’t stop just my world not earth, and that really stinks. Because I’d rather the world stop and let me off. I miss him my heart aches, I love him and I want him I need him back 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 24, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 24, 2021 I am unclear if you lost him to death or leaving you, please clarify. If to leaving you, you cannot control another person's choices and we can only do what is in our best interests at the time. You sound like you're in desperation right now and we want to help you but need to understand your situation... I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post SDC Posted June 24, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 24, 2021 I'm sorry you're in terrible pain. It is unfair and brutal to lose the person you loved the most. Your loss is new and fresh---you are in the worst of it now. As trite as it sounds you need to get through one day at a time and sometimes that breaks down to living one hour at a time. Your post indicates that your mind is all over the place and that you feel fragmented (example: there's no explanation of what you mean by " . . . and don't understand how she could say that.") Please know that a racing mind and feeling fragmented is normal in early grief. My advice is to focus on the simplest things. Eat something healthy. Lay down when your mind is racing too much. Drink water. Do simple tasks to push through the day. Be very careful when driving as you're distracted. None of us want to live through this experience, but nonetheless here we are--alive. Read posts here to affirm that all you feel is normal and that things do change. Read whatever you can get your hands on about grief. Talk to whoever will listen to you. Call a suicide hotline if you feel like you might hurt yourself or you can't shake thoughts of wanting to die. The man you're grieving and miss so terribly wants you to take care of yourself. Just as you'd want him to take care of himself if you died. Hugs from a fellow griever. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post WhoamInow Posted June 24, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 24, 2021 3 hours ago, KayC said: I am unclear if you lost him to death or leaving you, please clarify. If to leaving you, you cannot control another person's choices and we can only do what is in our best interests at the time. You sound like you're in desperation right now and we want to help you but need to understand your situation... I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. He’s dead, which means he left me. I found him on our floor I called an ambulance and took him to an ER, he had a total of 6 cancerous tumors and there were no signs I brought him home on the 9th day of our nightmare and he died under my hospice care at home 6 days later. He was gone my life ended on March 20, 2021 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted June 24, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 24, 2021 Hello WhoamInow; my heart just breaks for you - I'm so very sorry. I'm coming up on the 9 month mark of my husband's death and your feelings are what I experienced as well. I still do, but dealing with them has softened with the passing of time. PLEASE take care of yourself - I know it doesn't feel important right now, but self care and taking one day at a time is what needs to be done at the beginning of your grief journey. Thinking of you! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted June 24, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 24, 2021 WhoamInow, I am so sorry for your loss. I came home from work one day and found my dear husband in a heap in the yard. He had had a stroke. An ambulance rushed him to the hospital, and 25 days later he died. I know what you mean about your world going into slow motion. Mine did too. After his death it was all confusion and fear. Try to just focus on what you have to do today. It is too painful to let your mind wander into the unknown future. It feels impossible to see your future, but you can brush your teeth, feed the dog, mechanically do your job if you have to work. The real, tangible things you need to do today, you can do. Let that be enough for today. Rest, hydrate, eat a bit of nutritious food. Just focusing on getting through the basic tasks needed today will help you stop the tornado of thoughts and emotions that are racing through your mind. Hoping you will soon find something solid to cling to during this turbulent transition. Come here to vent as you feel the need. Here we understand how devastating this is. Our lives have been shattered too. Gail 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted June 25, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 25, 2021 8 hours ago, Diane R. E. said: PLEASE take care of yourself - I know it doesn't feel important right now, but self care and taking one day at a time is what needs to be done at the beginning of your grief journey. Thinking of you! Diane R.E.: You are so right about the self-care right now. If you let yourself go and not force yourself to bathe, dress and eat you will only feel more miserable. I learned the hard way. It will only add to the grief. Or has mine. The heartache and pain haven't let up but I have forced myself to keep some sort of routine and also keep up on my own personal hygiene and eating. Doing so kind of gives me a sense of well-being and surprisingly has a comforting effect. I need what little help/comfort I can get while in the middle of this suffering. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 25, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 25, 2021 20 hours ago, WhoamInow said: He’s dead, which means he left me. I found him on our floor I called an ambulance and took him to an ER, he had a total of 6 cancerous tumors and there were no signs I brought him home on the 9th day of our nightmare and he died under my hospice care at home 6 days later. He was gone my life ended on March 20, 2021 I am so sorry. It's the hardest thing in the world to go through, for me it's been 16 years now, I didn't see how I could live without him for one week, but somehow, here I am. I hope you'll continue coming here to read/post, it helps to express yourself and get it out, know that others hear you and understand. 19 hours ago, Diane R. E. said: I know it doesn't feel important right now, but self care and taking one day at a time is what needs to be done at the beginning of your grief journey. So true! Just when we least feel like it... We have to go through this but we can make it harder or easier on ourselves by taking care of ourselves...or not. Either way we will be adding problems to ourselves or heading them off by self-care. Hard for us to see that in the beginning. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post KimK Posted June 26, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 26, 2021 I lost my husband and soulmate too on March 17. He was waiting to turn into our neighborhood and someone hit him for no apparent reason. The pain is agonizing and far worse than I could have imagined. There is no consolation, other than I'm glad he doesn't have to feel this pain. But I'm also mad he left us. Myself, an 8yo, and a 2yo. He was an adoring father, so you can roll your mind with that loss. Watching them go through this pain is even worse than going through my own. My daughter goes through his stuff and even used his toothbrush. When we prayed and I asked her if she had any messages for God to send daddy, she wanted to tell him she was using his toothbrush "because it was that special". She has extreme anxiety now about me dying, and how can I tell her I won't? Because he did. And she wanted to know where his body went, because she knows his soul goes to heaven, but is his body still in the car? Weeks later and my poor baby thinks we left her precious dad in a car somewhere. Ugggg but then she wanted to know what we did with him. How do you explain how to get someone larger than life to fit inside a tiny urn? No words I know how to speak. And my toddler, who I thought was going to be the easier of the two has been unmanageable in his rage and unhappiness. All I can do is numbly tickle them and try to make sure there's some semblance of normalcy, but what is this self care and grieving and all that? It's just a nightmare and maybe we'll wake up. I'm so sorry for your pain. I know our stories aren't the same, but great pain comes from great love, and there are a lot of people on here trying to do their best. So I admire you. I pray you have some flicker of goodness or peace today. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 27, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 27, 2021 Kim, I think I gave you this, but haven't found it... I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Heavy Heart Posted July 2, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted July 2, 2021 It has been just over 2 years since my husband passed away. We were married for 32 years and they were the best years of my life. I cannot get rid of the awful, sad, overwhelming grief and feeling completely lost in this world since he passed away. I was his caretaker over the last years of his life after being diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. The disease basically took over both of our lives but I powered through and I took care of him to the very end. I just turned 76 years old and since then I have gone through alone an emergency gallbladder operation, a major heart attack and had two stents put into my heart 5 months ago. The physical pain, worry, trauma, of all of these major events in my life and loss are just becoming so overwhelming. I'm on many new medications to keep my heart going that are making me physically sick and giving me physical pain and every day I struggle with all of that. The worst of it all is losing my husband, my best friend and the love of my life. I have tried just about everything on your list that is on this forum to lessen the heartache that I feel but nothing I do and no amount of therapy, routine daily activities, friends, or anything at all seems to help me get through this. The only hope I have that keeps me going is the hope of moving closer to my daughter. We have planned this move for over a year and a half but a tornado that wiped out her neighborhood in Tennessee and then the pandemic stopped everything and all of our plans that we made to build a new home. So we are back making plans but her condo needs to be sold before we can buy a new house so this all takes time and my fear is that I won't live long enough to have the joy of being with her. I pray everyday for the strength to get through but the sadness hurts so much and the loss is so great. I just needed this morning to vent and to express to those who are dealing with the same thing that I have found it still hasn't become easier for me in any way but I hope those of you who are dealing with this can find peace and strength and support to be able to rise above all of the hurt that you feel right now. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WhoamInow Posted July 2, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2021 Heavyheart I didn’t make the list I believe KayC did. I’m so sorry that as time has passed that you still hurt. I’m closing in on 4 months since his death and his 63rd birthday is coming up the first one he spends in heaven. Thank you for sharing . I still have no desire to breath. I can finally lay him to rest in august as one of our boys is deployed overseas. Once that final step is done I will have honored him to my best ability. God bless you 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 2, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 2, 2021 5 hours ago, Heavy Heart said: The only hope I have that keeps me going is the hope of moving closer to my daughter. I understand, I sure wish I could live closer to mine but she's never home anyway so I guess it wouldn't matter. I've tried to make a life for myself. It's been difficult with Covid, but I thank God for good neighbors and my puppy! I am so sorry for your loss and that anyone has to go through this. I hope you'll continue to come here as it helps to express yourself to others that "get it." I hope you'll save/print my article as this is a journey that is ever evolving, something that may not resonate with you right now could on down the road. I know for myself I could not see any progression until I looked back on day one, at least, thankfully, I noticed the pain was less intense, although I can't say when it did, it was so gradual as to seem imperceptible. We welcome you here/ 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Magda Posted July 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 4, 2021 Wow, I haven't eaten almost any real food in a week. I never ate when stressed. Just, no desire to eat mostly. I subsist on popsicles, a little rice, coffee. Finally took a bath tonight. Yeah, I kinda want out of this life. Never liked it here to begin with, finally thought I had someone to walk through this crappy life with, and that was suddenly ripped away. The only accomplishment is I'm 55 days clean - by some miracle I'm not drinking myself to death. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 4, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted July 4, 2021 And that is a huge accomplishment you can take pride in! Congrats! If you don't feel like eating, you still need nourishment or it'll make things harder yet on yourself, perhaps you could make a smoothie? My favorite was spinach, strawberries, bananas, yogurt, granola, orange juice concentrate, protein powder, all the food groups! I have diabetes so can no longer have it but I loved it, it had all of the food groups and was easy to take. Another was kale, celery, applesauce (I made my own), banana but many don't like kale. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 4, 2021 14 hours ago, Magda said: The only accomplishment is I'm 55 days clean - by some miracle I'm not drinking myself to death. Magda: Fifty five days is fifty five days and it's good that you see it as an accomplishment because it is. Hopefully you can use it as a foundation to build on to give yourself a good life. I think we will always have our grief but I pray that the pain eases up. At least enough to live a better life. I know it won't be any time soon and I have moments of not wanting to live at all but I think my husband would want me to try. Good luck to you. Hope you keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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