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WhoamInow

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I am unclear if you lost him to death or leaving you, please clarify.  If to leaving you, you cannot control another person's choices and we can only do what is in our best interests at the time.  You sound like you're in desperation right now and we want to help you but need to understand your situation...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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Diane R. E.

Hello WhoamInow; my heart just breaks for you - I'm so very sorry. I'm coming up on the 9 month mark of my husband's death and your feelings are what I experienced as well. I still do, but dealing with them has softened with the passing of time. PLEASE take care of yourself - I know it doesn't feel important right now, but self care and taking one day at a time is what needs to be done at the beginning of your grief journey. Thinking of you!

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20 hours ago, WhoamInow said:

He’s dead, which means he left me. I found him on our floor I called an ambulance and took him to an ER,  he had a total of 6 cancerous tumors and there were no signs I brought him home on the 9th day of our nightmare and he died under my hospice care at home 6 days later. He was gone my life ended on March 20, 2021

I am so sorry.  It's the hardest thing in the world to go through, for me it's been 16 years now, I didn't see how I could live without him for one week, but somehow, here I am.  I hope you'll continue coming here to read/post, it helps to express yourself and get it out, know that others hear you and understand.  

19 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

I know it doesn't feel important right now, but self care and taking one day at a time is what needs to be done at the beginning of your grief journey.

So true!  Just when we least feel like it...
We have to go through this but we can make it harder or easier on ourselves by taking care of ourselves...or not.  Either way we will be adding problems to ourselves or heading them off by self-care.  Hard for us to see that in the beginning.

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Kim, I think I gave you this, but haven't found it...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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Heavyheart I didn’t make the list I believe KayC did. I’m so sorry that as time has passed that you still hurt. I’m closing in on 4 months since his death and his 63rd birthday is coming up the first one he spends in heaven. Thank you for sharing . I still have no desire to breath. I can finally lay him to rest in august as one of our boys is deployed overseas. Once that final step is done I will have honored him to my best ability. God bless you

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5 hours ago, Heavy Heart said:

The only hope I have that keeps me going is the hope of moving closer to my daughter.

I understand, I sure wish I could live closer to mine but she's never home anyway so I guess it wouldn't matter.  I've tried to make a life for myself.  It's been difficult with Covid, but I thank God for good neighbors and my puppy!

I am so sorry for your loss and that anyone has to go through this.  I hope you'll continue to come here as it helps to express yourself to others that "get it."  I hope you'll save/print my article as this is a journey that is ever evolving, something that may not resonate with you right now could on down the road.  I know for myself I could not see any progression until I looked back on day one, at least, thankfully, I noticed the pain was less intense, although I can't say when it did, it was so gradual as to seem imperceptible.  We welcome you here/

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Wow, I haven't eaten almost any real food in a week. I never ate when stressed. Just, no desire to eat mostly. I subsist on popsicles, a little rice, coffee. Finally took a bath tonight. Yeah, I kinda want out of this life. Never liked it here to begin with, finally thought I had someone to walk through this crappy life with, and that was suddenly ripped away. 

The only accomplishment is I'm 55 days clean - by some miracle I'm not drinking myself to death. 

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And that is a huge accomplishment you can take pride in!  Congrats!  If you don't feel like eating, you still need nourishment or it'll make things harder yet on yourself, perhaps you could make a smoothie?  My favorite was spinach, strawberries, bananas, yogurt, granola, orange juice concentrate, protein powder, all the food groups!  I have diabetes so can no longer have it but I loved it, it had all of the food groups and was easy to take.   Another was kale, celery, applesauce (I made my own), banana but many don't like kale.

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14 hours ago, Magda said:

The only accomplishment is I'm 55 days clean - by some miracle I'm not drinking myself to death. 

Magda:  Fifty five days is fifty five days and it's good that you see it as an accomplishment because it is. Hopefully you can use it as a foundation to build on to give yourself a good life. I think we will always have our grief but I pray that the pain eases up. At least enough to live a better life. I know it won't be any time soon and I have moments of not wanting to live at all but I think my husband would want me to try. Good luck to you. Hope you keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. 

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