Regret and guilt…

[Jules18]

I lost my partner 1 year and 4 months ago now. We’d been together since November 2010, but our relationship had its ups and downs. We were on and off and by “on and off” I mean we’d break up for a month then we’d be back together - all in all, we were together for 8 years if I subtract the break ups. He struggled with mental health issues and so do I. In December 2019 we were really struggling… he has bipolar disorder so every now and then he just wasnt himself - I remember he stole something from a store while I was with him and this was completely out of character for him to do this. He started drinking more and I did not support this so I began to worry he was becoming dependent on alcohol so I’d take it away and not let him drink around me. It got to the point where he’d pick fights with me just to get a reaction then act like he hadn’t started a fight. Eventually toward the end of December I was so exhausted by these behaviours and the fights that I kind of just gave up and kept quiet… at which point he was upset with me that I had stopped nagging him and telling him what to do meanwhile he was getting upset with me before for telling him what not to do and what to do so I felt like I couldn’t win either way. We were falling apart and I made the decision not to go to his family dinner for Christmas because I was upset with him and I didn’t want to be fake the entire dinner… he was extremely upset that I did not go and that seems to be when he decided the relationship was on the rocks and almost to a break up point. On New Years he lied to me and went to the bar then came to pick me up when he was absolutely wasted but was pretending he wasn’t drunk so we got in a fight that he was drinking and driving (we had a million and one fights over his driving over the years because he liked to speed and be reckless) and the fact that he had lied to me. I took an Uber home and he went back to the bar and lied to me about going back. At this point I was mentally exhausted and done fighting and decided I needed to put myself first for once… I hungout with him again after the event on New Years and we fought then on a Sunday we called it quits because he was lying about not being able to sleep so he could get sleeping pills and I couldn’t handle the things going on anymore. There was more issues in the relationship but i won’t get into that stuff. We broke up January 7th and didn’t speak for two weeks. Obviously I was really missing him at this point so I called him and hung up… he called back then texted when I didn’t answer. I chose not to get back together with him at this point because I was still really angry and disappointed and not willing to come back until he changed on his own because I was tired of feeling like his mother and him only doing things if I nagged him or told him to. Over the next 2-3 weeks he was drinking every single day, day and night (from what I’ve been told and from what I saw) and he was doing either oxys or cocaine or both and I did not want to be around that behaviour. I assumed he would self destruct for a couple weeks then wake up and realize this isn’t him and isn’t what he wants to be doing (he has an old friend who drinks every day and goes to the bar and he thinks he’s a loser so i know he disapproves of that lifestyle) but that didn’t happen. He was hanging out with people he had met in these few weeks and they were bad news, all of them were alcoholics or drug addicts or both. I’d get drunk texts from him and just be so disappointed so I’d reply rudely. He asked a few times to get back together, to go on a date, to start over etc and I said no… I didn’t say no because I didn’t love him anymore, I said no because I didn’t want to come back to the mess he had created for himself and I was tired of always cleaning up his metaphorical messes and I needed him to do this on his own for once. On February 13th he texted trying to hangout and I said no, this resulted in him hanging out with some alcoholic girl so they drank all night and judging by the texts and calls I received at 7 AM on the 14th I assume he hadn’t slept and was up all night drinking and doing drugs. I had an appointment at a spa on the 14th at 7 PM so I wasn’t home. He called me 3 times at 6:40 PM and I didn’t answer because I was in a quiet waiting room. I called him back at 7:30 but I didn’t hear from him again. The next morning I woke up to a text from his sister and I found out he had died at 6:55 PM the night before in a car accident because he was drinking and driving. I checked my voicemail and he left me a message saying he was doing terribly and I was the only one who knew and he wanted to see me. I feel terrible because I didn’t answer and I feel like I could have prevented this by hanging out with on the 13th because he wouldn’t be drinking if I was there. I feel like his drinking was a result of our downfall and break up and I hate to think that he died thinking I was done with him or I hated him. The worst part is I called back on the 14th because I wanted to see him which meant we would have gotten back together that night. He is the man I saw myself with forever even though I had been fearful that I’d have to walk away at some point IF he began abusing drugs full time or became an alcoholic full time and wouldn’t accept help but I never really thought about losing him permanently because it had just been made clear over the years that he was mine and I was his regardless of the issues that have arose from mental health issues and substance abuse. I just don’t know how to deal with this and since my life pretty much revolved around him and our relationship I’m kind of lost now and so so miserable. I feel as though I’ve been his “protector” for years and I’m extremely disappointed in myself for not being there for him when I knew he wasn’t doing well and if I knew it would have this outcome I never would have left his side. I just want him back. Can anyone relate? Has anyone else been able to find a way to forgive themselves for things like this? 
 

Clarification: I noticed a reply to my thread saying he was manipulative, controlling, and that I feared violence from him and if what I said gave that impression then I did not mean to give that impression. I did not fear violence from him, I didn’t like when he raised his voice at me and I’d end the conversation if he started speaking too loudly but that’s it. I wouldn’t call him controlling either but he could be manipulative during these ‘episodes’. Outside of these episodes, he was my favourite person in the entire world and I loved being with him. I wouldn’t have stuck by him for all of these years if he wasn’t a good person, he was just dealing with a disorder that he was not getting help for. 

[foreverhis]

Not exactly, but I'll try.  A few years before I married my husband, I dated a man who was becoming very controlling.  He planned out our life and wedding (we weren't engaged--I never even had sex with him!) and wanted me to put him first in everything at all times.  And he started to scare me, so I was trying to figure out a way to break up with him that wouldn't set him off into violence--that's how scared I had become.

One night I had a girls' night planned with two friends.  One had a toddler at home, so we had to carefully plan our evenings.  He knew this.  I had told him three times that I had plans.  He called that afternoon "telling" me that we should go out to dinner and then hang with his friends.  I reminded him--again--that I was going out with my girl friends, but that I'd be happy to meet him for coffee or a drink and dessert later.  He was angry and said that if I wasn't willing to put him first, then forget it.

I had a nice evening with my friends.  The next afternoon, the principal of my school came and pulled me out of my classroom, had another teacher take over, and told me to go to my parents' home (15 minutes away).  Yikes!  It turned out that he decided he was going to "pay me back" by going out drinking and picking up a woman in a bar.  They went to a hotel and somehow managed to set the room on fire.  They both died.

For a long time, I felt a confusing mix of relief that I didn't have to face breaking up with him, guilt over feeling relief, and a bit of guilt that I hadn't gone out with him that night, that if I had, he'd still be alive.  My two best friends finally confronted me about it, pointing out that he was a grown man who made his own choices and that I was not responsible for what he did or didn't do.  I realized that they were right and slowly let go of everything I'd been feeling.

Years later, I was telling my husband John this story after I asked him why he waited so long to ask me out--I'd given him enough hints!  We had known each other casually and through being in the same theater and music circles, so he knew about my previous boyfriend.  He told me that he'd wanted to, but wasn't about to take advantage of me right after it happened.  I told him everything.  His response was that he'd still have waited because he didn't think it would be right to "pounce" during a painful time, no matter why it was painful.  He made sure I knew my friends were right and that I'd let go of that strange guilt.  Lord, I love that man of mine!

I don't know if that helps at all, but I will say the same to you:  You are not responsible for the choices and behavior of another adult.  I'd say it's especially true considering that you realized that the anger, fighting, and conflict, along with his unacceptable drinking, drug use, and reckless driving, were causing you harm.  You had every right to consider your own physical and mental health--In fact, IMO, you did absolutely the right thing.  And consider this:  If you had gotten back with him and allowed his behavior to affect you, it could have been you in the car.

I'll add one more thing.  I can only imagine all the conflicting emotions you've got going on right now.  You grieve for the love you lost; you miss the good parts of the man you knew he could be; you are angry that he didn't think enough of himself and of your love to stop his dangerous behavior; you miss the possibility of a life you might have had if he'd gotten his act together.  (Mind you, those are just guesses based on how I suspect I would feel.)

I'm so sorry you are facing such complex grief.  I'm very glad you found your way here.  This is a really good and comforting community of members who truly understand.

 

[tnd]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

You are not responsible for the choices and behavior of another adult.

I agree with this statement. I lost my older brother two years ago to alcohol and drug abuse. He would drift in and out of my life very briefly. This went on for years. Our younger brother (the same one who is taking me in now) paid for our older brother's drug rehab -twice. It never took. So after years of not knowing where he was and if he was coming back, I let go of him. I stopped pursuing and asking friends/family about him. I just couldn't take it anymore. It was as if he had already died. I was always afraid he'd end up dying in some ditch somewhere. Thank God that didn't happen but he did end up in hospice. Unfortunately I was in the ICU very ill myself and by the time I was discharged, he had passed. Sometimes I wonder if I should have kept trying to catch up to him and give him a piece of my mind while also telling him I loved him. He had been a great brother when we were kids. So thru the anger and pain of missing him, I have some guilt. Wondering if there was anything I could have done. But I know better.   

[june483]

Jules18:  Although we love our bipolar family members and friends,  as I am sure you already know, it can be difficult and many times impossible to maintain relationships if/when their condition is not under control. .  You cannot blame yourself for your partner's illness and subsequent bad decision making.  I am so sorry for your loss but don't think you could have saved him from himself. He needed professional help and sometimes that isn't even enough. 

[KayC]

Jules, I am very sorry for all you have been and are going through.  As was already mentioned, we have no control over another, so please be kind, understanding, and patient with yourself.  What would you tell a friend in this situation?  Tell that to yourself.

Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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[KayC]

18 hours ago, Jules18 said:

decided I needed to put myself first for once

Sounds a good decision to me.   This was not a healthy relationship and IMO you needed out!  HUGE red flags!  We cannot continue with someone controlling, manipulating and as you already stated, you feared violence from him, making it difficult for you to make a healthy escape...I've been there in my youth.  I will never accept these behaviors in anyone ever again!  You are not responsible for what HE did with himself!

[SDC]

I'm sorry you lost the man you loved and that you're adding to your pain by erroneously thinking you could have prevented his accident and death. Loving someone with a mental illness and subsequent abuse issues is extremely hard. There's a fine line between helping/supporting someone in crisis and beginning to feel responsible for them and their choices. You could do nothing to change or better his mental health issues. You could do nothing to stop him from abusing alcohol and drugs. He was an adult making his own choices and you could not force him to make different choices. But I know that is hard to comprehend that emotionally and until you do you'll continue beating yourself up--which only adds pain on top of your grief. 

I think it would be beneficial to talk to a professional to help you get past feeling guilty/responsible for him. Try to find some resources for yourself. There are options even if you're uninsured/have crap insurance and limited disposable income. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has good resources. He's gone. Your job now is to take care of yourself and you can't do that if you fixate on what was an impossibility. Hugs from an internet strange. 

[foreverhis]

On 6/23/2021 at 1:21 PM, Jules18 said:

Clarification: I noticed a reply to my thread saying he was manipulative, controlling, and that I feared violence from him and if what I said gave that impression then I did not mean to give that impression. I did not fear violence from him, I didn’t like when he raised his voice at me and I’d end the conversation if he started speaking too loudly but that’s it

If that was me. I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. I was referring to my situation. My then boyfriend hadn’t been violent, but I felt it in him and that’s what I feared.

 

[KayC]

Your post gave me that impression.   

[Jules18]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Your post gave me that impression.   

I’m just learning how to reply so I hope this is the right way… if I may ask, what about my post gave that impression? 

[KayC]

Just the way you talked about him, it seemed red flags as I've been there in my earlier life.