A year ago today...

[Darlene13]

A year ago today, my husband and I were at Red Lobster celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, completely unaware that we would only have one month left together.  He was getting monthly chemo treatments for chronic leukemia and his numbers were no cause for alarm.  We'd been told most patients survive 2 years without a bone marrow transplant, and he'd been diagnosed 11 months ago.  Over a 3 week space of time, his disease turned acute, his numbers skyrocketed, and he was gone before we knew it. 

The initial shock has passed, but I feel like only a shell of my former self.  This anniversary, I'll place flowers on his grave and try to hold myself together.  My kids are grown and gone, no grandchildren...just me, trying to figure out why I'm still here now that the love of my life is gone.  I keep trudging through this surreal, unfamiliar world, wondering when life will really seem worth living again.  I miss my husband so much.   

 

[Gail 8588]

Darlene, 

Wedding anniversaries are one of the tough days.  So many happy memories that now just seem to magnify our loss.  My husband and I were married for 38 years. I try to focus how lucky we were to be together that long, but it never feels long enough. 

Grieving during the pandemic has been really tough, as we have had to be so isolated.  I hope in the coming year you will be able to find some connections to life that are fulfilling. My 2 adult sons are busy with their own lives also, understandably.  So I have had to find things to keep me engaged in life.  It is very hard to transition to this new single life after being a couple for so long. 

Hugs,

Gail

 

[Darlene13]

5 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

It is very hard to transition to this new single life after being a couple for so long. 

@Gail 8588It really is.  Thanks so much for your words of encouragement.  Today was tough...hopefully it will be easier with each year that goes by.  Some days it's just harder to see the way forward to a time when life might be happier again, and today was definitely one of those. 

Hugs to you too..

[Sparky1]

I still have to go through our wedding anniversary which is in September and I think other than the day she passed away, the anniversary will be very tough. She was in the hospital last September during our anniversary.

[Gail 8588]

Sparky, 

I am so sorry for the pain you are in.  The year of first time events is really hard.  I wish there was some way to make it easier. 

Hang in there. 

Hugs

Gail

[tnd]

8 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

A year ago today, my husband and I were at Red Lobster celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, completely unaware that we would only have one month left together. 

So very sorry for your loss, Darlene13.  Not that I think the amount of time people had with their loved ones determines how much or for how long we will be in this pain and grieve, but I imagine after spending 30 years with someone it could take a while before it starts to ease up. I hope that you will find each day that you are able to get through as a step forward. I have no idea how we are suppose to heal from this wound. For me it is going to leave a scar of sorts.  

[Sparky1]

58 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Sparky, 

I am so sorry for the pain you are in.  The year of first time events is really hard.  I wish there was some way to make it easier. 

Hang in there. 

Hugs

Gail

Thanks Gail. Life sure hasn't been easy for me the last 8 months. I feel so lost and the longing for my wife gives me a knot in my throat. Thanks for your advice, I struggle on and try to make the best of it. Hugs to you too.

[Darlene13]

17 minutes ago, tnd said:

I hope that you will find each day that you are able to get through as a step forward. I have no idea how we are suppose to heal from this wound. For me it is going to leave a scar of sorts.  

Thanks so much for your kind words. I don't know how we're supposed to heal either.  I just keep numbly walking forward one day at a time so far.  I hope we all find peace and some semblance of happiness in time.

Hugs to you...

[KayC]

Darlene, I'm glad you came here for what is a momentous time for you...a reflection on another time.  Wedding anniversaries are tough, this is the first one you've had since he's been gone.  It never has gotten easy for me, but perhaps not as hard-hitting as in the earlier years.  It's hard not to think how different it'd be if he were here, we'd be together celebrating, at the coast.  Now every day seems pretty much the same to me, some good days stand out above the others, I've tried to build things into my day that help, like visiting neighbors, spending time with my puppy.  Those get me through.

Now they've gone and made Juneteenth out of the anniversary of my husband's death, so in addition to enduring Father's Day reminders I'll have that hitting me every year.  I can't escape it.  No chance it ever comes and goes unnoticed, not like it would anyway, but I don't need it hitting me on the news, newspaper, FB, ads!

We get through these times the best we can, I've found incorporating other things into the day helps, maybe lunch with a friend, but no chance of that with Father's Day weekend!  I can do it on our wedding anniversary though (Sweetest Day, Oct. 19th).  No one calls, no one remembers.  I hope you fare better.

[Darlene13]

@Kay CI know what you mean.  Everyone is eager for us to get over it and move on, and it just doesn't work that way.  I agree that it helps to build other things into the day to keep from dwelling on it constantly.  My sister remembered but I'm not sure anyone else did...if they did, they thought it was better not to mention it.  My sister's husband died 2 mos after mine so she knows not mentioning it doesn't make the pain any less present.  None of my friends are widowed, so my she's about the only one in my life who understands.

I'm sorry the anniversary for you falls around two holidays.  It's hard when others are celebrating and you're feeling blue.  God bless you for making the effort to reach out to all of us with support and advice when you're carrying so much heartache and sadness yourself.  I still keep your tips for handling grief in my phone that you gave me when I first joined and they've been a help to me.  You're a good person, and I'm sorry that we find ourselves together on this journey through deep grief.  Hugs to you...

[tnd]

I guess in a way I've already experienced my "firsts" without my husband. He was in the hospital over Christmas and New Years, still hospitalized on my birthday and our anniversary and then his own birthday. We never really made a big deal over these special days, just usually shared some small quiet enjoyment between ourselves. So I wasn't torn up about not celebrating anything this past year but rather, I felt bad that he was stuck and very sick in the hospital. With him gone I don't know how I will feel next year, tho. 

[KayC]

Thank you, Darlene.

tnd, yes, for you, you've already begun your year of "firsts without," before he even passed.  

20 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

I agree that it helps to build other things into the day to keep from dwelling on it constantly. 

This statement reminded me of this article...I never had to set aside a time to mourn as it came to me unbidden, for me I needed the distraction of work, but having that long commute (100 miles/day) gave me too much time to think.  Sometimes I had to pull off the highway to safely cry, I didn't want to kill someone because of it.

Dosing Crying Time in Grief

[Diane R. E.]

On 6/22/2021 at 10:42 AM, Darlene13 said:

A year ago today, my husband and I were at Red Lobster celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, completely unaware that we would only have one month left together.

Hi Darlene; I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post makes me think about one year ago as well. I had just retired, and life was full of excitement and promise as my husband and I were spending the summer preparing for our big move to Phoenix, AZ at the the end of August. We joyfully worked together as we packed and downsized, unaware of the fate to come. Doug had a number of health problems and was on nightly dialysis, but there was no reason to think we wouldn't have at least several years to enjoy retirement. So for all of us, no matter how our partner came to pass away, I understand the pain and heartache of not only losing them, but also losing all the things we had planned to enjoy doing together. Thank you all for the support this forum provides! 

[Darlene13]

@Diane R. E. I'm so sorry for your loss too.  I hate for you that your retirement had  just started and you didn't get the years together that you'd planned for.  It's hard to look back and wish we'd somehow known; maybe we'd have said more, done more while there was still time. I'm grateful we had as many years as we did, but will always wish there had been more, as I know you do too.  Sending you hugs today...

[Sparky1]

5 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

maybe we'd have said more, done more while there was still time.

Darlene, this also haunts me as well. I wish that we had done more things, but my wife and I didn't expect for her to pass away so suddenly. There's a lot of what ifs, but we can't look back knowing what we know now. All I know is that life is unpredictable, and when you lose the love of your life, it is also very painful and unfair.

[tnd]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

This statement reminded me of this article...I never had to set aside a time to mourn as it came to me unbidden, for me I needed the distraction of work, but having that long commute (100 miles/day) gave me too much time to think.

KayC:  Thank you for including that link about "Dosing Crying Time". I read it and I think that's sort of what I've been doing. With my upcoming move I've got so much to do and think of that I kind of just cry around dealing with that stuff. I didn't cry yesterday until last nite. I realized I was able to somewhat focus on stuff. But then at the end of the day and before bed, I cried my eyes out. Exhausted me. So I didn't intentionally schedule it that way but perhaps it did me good to get it out at the end of the day when I wasn't having to be busy dealing with other things.