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April Ballou,

This forum helps but the "problem" with this and with a text is I don't get the true interaction that is "part" of what is missing. Replies are not "quick" and not always with the "person" you were "talking" to. I appreciate any response to any comments but I believe you know what I mean. I have said it years ago to my son about texting "pick up the phone" it takes 1 minute to talk and an hour to text the same thing. I am also "feeling" like a burden to the only ones who do interact with me. I DON'T believe there is anyone else for me as she was my ONLY LOVE(R) and I can't even think about anything like that as I can't think about tomorrow let alone the "FUTURE"  This forum does "understand" and it's sad that we do because it means we are dealing with something devastating to our lives.

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Andilyn20,

I am sorry for your loss. I actually HAD a dream a couple weeks ago that I was drowning but sadly I didn't and woke up. I don't want to FEEL like this but " I DO " and sadly just typing that phrase made me "cry" because I really haven't used the phrase since we said the phrase 34 years ago and that is what I mean about everything triggering me emotionally.

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Andilyn20,

Welcome to the forum, you are welcome here, though we are sad that you have reason to join us. 

Our lives have been shattered by the death of our true loves.  People who have not experienced this don't understand the pain we are in.  

Come here to vent, share, or just read other posts.  It helps a little to know you are not alone. 

Gail

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23 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

The imaging problem is called Aphantasia.

II hadn't heard of that, I'm sorry you experience that.  You realize this though whereas Peggy doesn't see anything amiss in how she lives...never having exercised, not cleaning her house, doing laundry, cooking, driving, budgeting or balancing her checkbook or making necessary calls, or hiring anyone to do it and assuming it all on my shoulders is just part of it.  She just opts out of whatever she doesn't like, has since she was a child.  Not sure why she turned out different but she had plenty of intellect, never had to study like I did.  I resent having to do everything for her when I have my hands full with ME, esp. with my pain and loss of strength.  I've always been there for her but she has never once brought me a meal when I had surgery, lost George, had a baby or anything else.  Not once.

I too seem directions-impaired, I know N, S, E, W where live and where I grew up but otherwise have to rely on my Garmin GPS.  Oddly enough though if I follow their instructions home it'll take me to a dead end that does not lead home.  ;)

 

17 hours ago, Andilyn20 said:

 never really   gets any easier  at least not for me.. I feel  like that I am   slowly drowning 

I am sorry for your loss, I hope you will continue to come here and read/post as it helps to express yourself and know you're heard by those who "get it" in a safe place where you're understood.  Here, we've all been through it and care what you're going through.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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I hope you continue coming here, it really does help to get it out or at least read and see that others are going through the same thing.  :wub:

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I am going to print copies of KayC's tips. I will keep one for myself and give my brother and SIL each a copy. Might help them understand what I am going through. 

 

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