How Do You Deal With Moving In w/Family Now?

[tnd]

9 minutes ago, LMR said:

You will get more sympathy at a shelter and probably make new friends too. I hope you manage to get in soon. Is there nobody who can store some of your belongings for you? What has social security said about your situation?

LMR:  No, I don't have anyone that can store my belongings. My apartment manager knew that my husband passed but doesn't know of my current situation. Normally if a tenant leaves anything behind the apartment mgr will have it removed and charge the tenant for it (if they can locate the tenant). But maybe my apt. mgr. will be understanding if I talk to her and she can have my stuff carted off for free, I don't know. As for Social Security, still waiting for answer on that. Probably will be a while before I hear anything and then of course, I will have to figure out how they will contact me now. 

 

16 minutes ago, LMR said:

My friend here who was in an abusive relationship got herself checked into a mental health facility. Not ideal but it sounded manageable, and safe. Would that be an option?

I am going to call every place I can and whoever can take me in, that is where I will go. 

Lastly, my cats. I don't think pets are allowed at shelters or public housing or facilities so now I guess I will have to say goodbye to them and call the animal shelter. I am pretty darn upset about this. I am so very very sad now. The worst.    

[AnnRA]

tnd   — I totally understand your distress at this time and my heart goes out to you.  I know how much you love those cats!  Do you have cages for them both?  often there are animal shelters who can take cats, temporarily while they move (esp for older folks in your situation).   DO try EVERY contact you can!   Don’t let them go!  You deserve to keep what you love!  

[tnd]

4 minutes ago, AnnRA said:

often there are animal shelters who can take cats, temporarily while they move (esp for older folks in your situation).

AnnRA:  I will probably call the no-kill shelter and explain my situation. While my cats are loving and affectionate towards me, they are not sociable around other people. And neither one even likes being picked up. They will probably be deemed as "unadoptable". This hurts me so much if I have to give them up. When my husband died I guess it took everything from me. Can't go any lower than this...I've got nothing left now.  

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

. . .  I'll just have to take my chances at the shelter now. 

Tnd, 

I am so sorry things went so badly with your SIL and brother. 

I have never been in your situation, so I really don't know any helpful tips.  I have read in the news lately that the CDC extended the prohibition on evictions until late September, I believe.  So it may be that you would be able to stay in your apartment through the end of September at least, even if you are not able to pay the rent.  It may be good that Salvation Army didn't take your furniture, so you can be comfortable in your apartment until you have to go. 

You might want to reach out to some local churches for guidance on where to turn to for assistance.  They get requests for help all year long and usually know what agencies or non-profits are active locally to help people. 

I am so sorry.

Gail 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have read in the news lately that the CDC extended the prohibition on evictions until late September, I believe.  So it may be that you would be able to stay in your apartment through the end of September at least

Gail 8588:  As required, I had to give notice of moving out. Said I'd be out by the end of this month. This was of course when I thought I had the support of my family and before they became so belligerent and abusive today. Anyways, they've already rented out my apartment beginning in September. Thank you for the suggestion tho. I appreciate that you were thinking of me. Lordy, no family now. Thank goodness I have friends on here tho! 

[Roxeanne]

So sorry that the things goes so bad...! Hope you find a way to stay with your cats...some house-family...i don't know if they esist in USA...here in Italy sometimes this places are the solution for people in troubles....a big big hug tnt! Take care of yourself

[John9]

tnd,

I am so sorry that things turned from bad to worse for you, sadly I don't think it is all that unusual for "family" to make it all about them and turn it back on the person who needs the support most. It is bad that people in your situation can't get help until everything else falls into place and no one can seem to understand how it affects the mental and physical aspects of grief and stress. I really can't think of anything that hasn't been suggested but I hope for a better solution for you. Please keep trying to find a way through this and maybe you will get the help you deserve from some group local to where you are.

[tnd]

Well, now my brother is telling me to "stop moping and get back into the business of living". He also said that I need professional help because I'm living in the past (thinking of my husband) and..since I won't be moving in with him and my SIL, they will no longer help me with food, meds or bills, as if this would force me into behaving and doing what he tells me to do I guess. I told him that if treating me this way really could work then every person with an illness and/or grieving would suddenly all feel better and be happy. 

My SIL admitted to being a hoarder. She says it's because she is on the border of the Autism Spectrum (they have an autistic son). While that may be true, I have to wonder then why I should be understanding of her problems/issues but when it comes to mine, I am "playing the victim" and "moping". I don't think she even realized what she was exposing by telling me that. It was not only an eye opener but proved that no one else matters to her except for her own butt. She can have an excuse to be the way she is but not me? Told my brother that it's obvious that his wife is the one who wears the pants in his house....she's not only controlling him but telling him what to say. Also told him that it's funny how he didn't begin being such an A-hole until my husband died and can't be here to defend me like he is defending his wife. I swear, if my husband were alive and heard my brother talk to me like he did, my husband would have throttled him by the neck. Anyways, I let my brother know everything my SIL admitted to. He can't deny it and he tried to. Also told him that people don't do nice things for others (like he has done for me) and then turn around and treat that person like crap and threaten them. It will not force or persuade me to do what he wants me to do. And so now he's going to pay the price. I am his last direct surviving family member and now I am cutting him off. Will not be talking to him or my SIL again. 

Ever since last December, I've been here alone while my husband was in the hospital. Living with Pulmonary Sarcoidosis and being on oxygen 24/7 is very difficult. But I felt that I was a little stronger and more positive than most patients because I was alone but taking care of myself. No one was here. No one gave me a pat on the back for getting thru that. No one even offered to come help me. But I felt pretty good about myself. And then my husband died and now I am being told that because I cry and am not always in a good mood that I am playing the victim and need to stop moping and move on. What a bunch of hogwash! Any of you on here that has read this terribly painful long post of mine today knows that losing a spouse or partner is by far the worst and most painful thing to happen. Please don't let anyone tell you that you need to stop moping and get over it!  

[Diane R. E.]

tnd; I am so very very sorry for what you experienced with your brother and SIL - my heart breaks for you. And now to be in a situation where you are losing your apartment and perhaps even your cats. It really is too much for one person to bear. Then to top it off, your husband died quite recently and you have a chronic illness. I think I would be insane by now! No doubt you have researched all your options, but when I worked as a public health nurse in MN, we could refer clients to county services for emergency cash assistance. I would think you would qualify for a home health nurse - have you tried that? I don't know what else to say but my heart hurts for you. 

[tnd]

9 minutes ago, Diane R. E. said:

when I worked as a public health nurse in MN, we could refer clients to county services for emergency cash assistance. I would think you would qualify for a home health nurse - have you tried that? I don't know what else to say but my heart hurts for you. 

Diane R.E.:  Thank you for the support. And for the info. I am looking into a shelter that depending on if I meet the criteria, they can maybe help with my medical needs and get me into some sort of housing. Initially I may have to briefly stay in their main shelter with shared sleeping spaces and communal bathrooms but they have a limited number of kennels for pets. I pray, pray, pray they can help me. As for a home healthcare nurse, they might be able to offer that once I am in housing. I am so wore out, now I have more work to do.   

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

I am his last direct surviving family member and now I am cutting him off. Will not be talking to him or my SIL again. 

I am so sorry it has come to this.  I was reading this while sitting in a room with my sister and BIL, who were down for a visit on my birthday weekend.  I looked up with tears in my eyes and said, "Hey you two, thank you.  I mean it deeply, thank you."  They looked over (we were all reading news, etc. on our tablets at the time--so 21st Century) and said, "Of course.  We love this."  I explained I didn't just mean taking the time to visit, make dinners for me and my (and over the past few years now, their) small circle of friends-family, but also for being so incredibly supportive and for bringing John along with them in their lives.  For not telling me to move on, get over it, or anything else.  Even as recently as March, my sister kind of "forgot" and said, "the four of us" when talking about something she wants to do down the road.  Then her voice tapered off as she remembered.  Dang, I am so lucky to have this.  I hurts my heart so much to know that you don't have that comfort, love, and support.  I'd give anything to be able to help you right now.

A few practical suggestions that you've probably already tried or considered, but...well, what if you haven't?  Your local Senior/Social Services department should be able to set you up with an adult social worker, one assigned specifically to you, who can help you navigate the complicated process of applying for various programs.  At the very least, I'd think you qualify for basic welfare, SNAP, and Medicaid.  It certainly wouldn't be a fortune, but might allow you to find a studio apartment or something like that in community housing, especially because of your severe medical condition.  If necessary until you are settled, having your cats be cared for at the no-kill center might be what you need to do.  I know many of them do this for things like deploying military personnel and people in situations like yours.  Of course it's not ideal, but if you could have that worry off your mind as you figure out how to get settled, it could help your overall physical and mental state.

Now, I know we are all fiercely independent here and none of us want a "handout," but the plain fact is that you and your husband paid into the system for decades and that's what the programs are supposed to be for:  A hand UP and help when we need it.  I know you've already started the process for survivor's benefits as a disabled surviving spouse.  A social worker might know who to contact to expedite the process.  You are entitled to those benefits, plus SSI depending on your SSA-S benefit.  That should also get you Medicare to combine with Medicaid, if Texas has that option.  We do and there are some excellent combo insurers through the two programs.  They coordinate benefits and take care of much of the nitty gritty details.

Finally (for now, at least), have you thought about setting up a GoFundMe campaign to help you transition?  A friend of our daughter did that to help get her mom from one state to another when things went sideways.  It was enough to pay for transportation, food, temporary housing, and then transitioning to care.  Her friend's mom had dementia, so I know it's a different issue, but your need is the same:  Some assistance keeping afloat while you go through the process of applying for and receiving benefits.  Again, I really do understand the need to feel independent.  When John had his bicycling accident, we figured it would be back to normal once he healed.  Only he had permanent disabilities from it and it took for freaking ever (literally, 2 years from the time we accepted the truth 2 years after) to get benefits, etc. resolved.  I was working, so we had that, but things were tight for quite some time.  Fairly early on, we found out he would have qualified for a few programs, but we were too darn proud to accept that.  Looking back, we wished we had considered that we had both worked for decades by then, paid taxes without a quibble, and had earned the right to some help for a while.  If it had happened now, I might very well have set up a GoFundMe for him to help get us through.  If you do decide to do this, please message me the link because I can't donate much, but I can help a little and I doubt I am alone in feeling this way.

In the meantime, I will be thinking about you and sending prayers to help you through this horrible time. ((HUGS))

[Diane R. E.]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

have you thought about setting up a GoFundMe campaign to help you transition? 

I was thinking that too - I would certainly contribute!

[foreverhis]

23 hours ago, tnd said:

I know all this sounds crazy or that I am crazy. I know some of you will say that I just need to hang in there and move with my brother

Nope.  Make that "Hell no!"  You are absolutely right and they are absolutely toxic.

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Nope.  Make that "Hell no!"  You are absolutely right and they are absolutely toxic.

I am right with foreverhis on this.  Your brother is completely in the wrong here.  Today is 2 months from the day your husband died, the day your life was shattered.  

Perhaps your brother does not feel married to his soulmate, but rather trapped in a relationship he would rather not be in.  Perhaps that is why he seems to have no understanding of your loss.  But that doesn't excuse his lack of compassion for you. 

I don't think you should submit yourself to abuse. 

I am so sorry for the difficulties ahead.  This is all so unfair and unkind. 

Gail

[John9]

tnd,

 

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Nope.  Make that "Hell no!"  You are absolutely right and they are absolutely toxic.

I agree with the other postings and I had posted yesterday and again it seems to be missing. I had said that I would also contribute if you did a GoFundMe and I also say that to move in with your Family in a toxic situation would not be good and if things fell apart you would be in an unfamiliar area with no "help". I hope that the resources listed on other posts can help you and will get the help you need. It is too much at the most stressful time in your life and when you need the support from Family and friends they fail you. I hope for the best for you and your "feline family" and hope that you can stay together.

[John9]

Gail 8588,

 

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Perhaps your brother does not feel married to his soulmate, but rather trapped in a relationship he would rather not be in.  Perhaps that is why he seems to have no understanding of your loss.  But that doesn't excuse his lack of compassion for you. 

I agree that tnd's brother doesn't seem to be a person who is connected to a soulmate and will never understand it even if his wife were to die, sad maybe but not like "we" are. I don't claim to be an expert on anything but from what has been said that is my thoughts on it.

[KayC]

On 8/7/2021 at 5:22 PM, tnd said:

The things my SIL and brother said to me was THAT BAD. I don't need this -not from them or from anyone. I'll just have to take my chances at the shelter now.

I could not take that either.  I pray something opens up for you SOON!  I can't believe Salvation Army refused to help.  Police are no help unless someone is threatening to kill someone and then they don't always do the right thing.

I hope and pray something/someone comes to your aid SOON!  Sending you much hugs from OR.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, tnd said:

Diane R.E.:  Thank you for the support. And for the info. I am looking into a shelter that depending on if I meet the criteria, they can maybe help with my medical needs and get me into some sort of housing. Initially I may have to briefly stay in their main shelter with shared sleeping spaces and communal bathrooms but they have a limited number of kennels for pets. I pray, pray, pray they can help me. As for a home healthcare nurse, they might be able to offer that once I am in housing. I am so wore out, now I have more work to do.   

I hope for this for you as well.

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

our local Senior/Social Services department should be able to set you up with an adult social worker, one assigned specifically to you, who can help you navigate the complicated process of applying for various programs. 

My sister called them a few days ago, never got a call back.

I agree with the others here that you should not submit yourself to abuse, and they qualify as that.  Keeping making calls, and if you do start a GoFundMe, please give us the link here, okay?  I don't know if it's within their rules, but we won't tell...

[John9]

KayC,

I was wondering about the "rules" too in regards to GoFundMe as well as whether it could affect her "benefits" but I would try to help if I can.

[tnd]

My brother called Adult Protective Services and they were just here. They said the shelter is full and no housing available. They said that despite my brother and SIL, I should call them to come pack me up and take me to live with them. She also said my brother could pay (because they are not free) for Hospice and I can go to Hospice to remove my oxygen and they will help me die. Otherwise, I will literally have to be on the streets. Those are my choices.

I emailed my brother and told him what I was just told today. I also told him that I will not live with him and my SIL talking to me like they did and that they clearly are not capable of understanding what I am going through (altho I've explained a million times...my illness and grief). I also told him that since I am to be gone out of the apartment by Aug 30th that by then no one will have to deal with me anymore. 

 

Please, I thank everyone here for the moral support but please DO NOT setup a GoFundMe. I wouldn't think this would be allowed on this site even talking about it for legal reasons, otherwise you'd have millions of people getting on here setting up their own GFM requests and begging for money and a lot of scammers pretending to need help. So while I appreciate the moral support and love I am getting from all of you, please don't even discuss that anymore on here....don't want to get in trouble and don't want any of you getting in to trouble. Thank you. 

I will try to come back on here later maybe tonite. 

[John9]

tnd,

I understand and respect your wishes in regards to the previous matter. I also thought along those lines and was worried about that as well. I hope that there are still other options for you besides your Brother and SIL or street or Hospice because that sounds kind of blunt and unprofessional. I can't stop thinking about your situation and how "wrong" it is again at the worst time of your life.

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

KayC,

I was wondering about the "rules" too in regards to GoFundMe as well as whether it could affect her "benefits" but I would try to help if I can.

I was hoping that requesting a message, instead of direct posting in a thread, might be okay here.

I hadn't really considered the benefits issue, but I imagine the GFM would have to be a pretty significant amount to affect them.  I know it wouldn't affect the SSA Surviving Spouse benefit as that's based on the SSA earnings formulas without regard to assets of any kind.  I suppose it could affect SSI add-on benefits for a time, again that's if the GFM amount was more than the "asset" limit--and I'm not even sure if that counts.

Either way, if the GFM funds are used before benefits begin, I can't imagine it would affect them going forward.

[tnd]

19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Perhaps your brother does not feel married to his soulmate, but rather trapped in a relationship he would rather not be in.  Perhaps that is why he seems to have no understanding of your loss.  But that doesn't excuse his lack of compassion for you. 

Gail 8588:  You could very well be right about my brother being in a marriage he regrets. I had an uncle (may he rip) tell me years ago that my brother confided in him about how their marriage stank and he was doing all he could to hang on to it for the children's sake but also, he didn't want to get soaked. They got married less than 2 years after his first wife divorced him. When he first met his current wife, he told me their first date was terrible because she was so rude. But then he called her 2 weeks later to ask for a second date. I remember him telling me that he wasn't sure if he should have done that. But then they married and had 2 children. He makes good money. I have suspected that he is still afraid that she'd soak him in a divorce. And she probably would. Anyways, lately I have gotten the feeling that they don't talk face-to-face with each other, only by text or phone. Something weird going on but I don't know. But yes, that could be why he lacks compassion for me.  

[tnd]

8 hours ago, John9 said:

It is too much at the most stressful time in your life and when you need the support from Family and friends they fail you. I hope for the best for you and your "feline family" and hope that you can stay together.

John9:  Thank you for your offer to help me and the moral support. That means a lot to me to have an online friend be so supportive. And we've never met in-person and yet, everyone on here seems to understand what we each need right now  -moral support, consoling, patience and an understanding. You are a heck of a man going through all that you are while also taking care of your MIL. That says so much about the kind of person you are and your character. I feel so bad that you are grieving the loss of your wife and with it, the only life you had for so many years. That is a huge loss. But to come on here while you are suffering and offer me so much support and kinds words is well, just so much. It does offer me some comfort and kept me going today. Thank you so very very much. 

[tnd]

32 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Either way, if the GFM funds are used before benefits begin, I can't imagine it would affect them going forward.

foreverhis:  Believe it or not, I can't remember if it was Medicaid or Social Security Admin but they did ask if I had a GFM account because yes, those funds could be counted against me. An applicant cannot have more than $2k in assets, including money in a GFM or bank account, cannot own a car and cannot be receiving any other financial assistance. I cannot even be declared a dependent on someone else's tax return. I can be given free room and board (food) but no money. 

[tnd]

I'm going to talk about karma here. I'm a firm believer in "what comes around goes around". Only because I've seen it happen so many times. I have seen people behave badly or even treat other people badly and some time goes by, sometimes not long, when the "offender" experiences a bad time or something bad happens to THEM. My brother and SIL had helped me for a while when my husband was in the hospital and now they have cut me off because I got upset with my SIL. But it's like extortion. They say if I apologize they will help me but otherwise, no medicine, no food, etc....So they are basically holding my life in the balance of their hands, as if to play God and holding critical needs I have hostage. My brother said I need to get over my pride and apologize. Excuse me, since when does being ill and grieving have anything to do with pride?? That didn't even make sense. This is not some game I am playing. It has nothing to do with my pride. I have a serious illness and also grieving my husband. My being in a "bad mood" or appearing "unstable" should be expected. But no, they think that I had my feelings hurt and that because of that, I don't want to be with them. Well, this is about way more than feelings. I not only feel hurt but feel abused and scared -by their words, their actions and their home, which I think could be unsafe, let alone filthy and miserable. Why the heck would I want to live with people who "cut me off" if I make them mad? Face it, I'm not perfect but especially right now. Would they withhold food and meds from me like they are now?? Would they shove me in a room as punishment and tie me up? What the heck could I be walking into? And what if a paramedic can't get indoors if I need them because of a hoarding situation? Well, here comes the karma...

I could only leave a voicemail but I called the local Fire Chief today where my brother lives and explained who I am and their hoarding situation. I asked if he could perform an inspection of the house and to call me back. Because of the time zone difference it was late in the day there but we'll see if the Chief calls me back tomorrow. I hope he or someone can pay my brother and SIL a visit. 

[John9]

tnd,

My wife and I wanted to believe in Karma, but too many times we saw bad things done by people who it would seem that they were rewarded and then we would look at each other like WTF.  We didn't do "good" for good Karma but we didn't do good to be "punished" either and I know others have stated they didn't feel punished but that is how I feel after what I am going through. I don't know what might happen in regards to your phone call but as I said I wouldn't recommend moving in with them because what if they threw you out or threatened to if you don't "agree" to....

 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

tnd,

I understand and respect your wishes in regards to the previous matter. I also thought along those lines and was worried about that as well. I hope that there are still other options for you besides your Brother and SIL or street or Hospice because that sounds kind of blunt and unprofessional. I can't stop thinking about your situation and how "wrong" it is again at the worst time of your life.

Agreed, John.  As it is tnd's request, I will not bring that up again and I would never have started something on my own.  I think it has to be the decision of the person involved and no one else. 

@tnd Of course we will respect your request.  I had considered the various ramifications as well, but felt I had to at least toss it out there.

I am very concerned for you and will be sending prayers and hope that somehow, some way you are able to have a better choice than hospice!  I'm actually quite appalled that social services would basically give you that as your only other option.

I'm so sorry.  My heart is simply aching for you right now.  You don't deserve this.  Of course none of us deserve to lose the loves of our lives and none of them deserved to be forced to leave us, but damn it (sorry, but...sometimes it's just appropriate), this is too much and beyond unfair.  I will be asking the universal God that John and I have faith in to guide you to a better choice and help you through this devastating time.

((HUGS))

[tnd]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

We didn't do "good" for good Karma but we didn't do good to be "punished" either and I know others have stated they didn't feel punished but that is how I feel after what I am going through

John9:  That is how I feel. I'm not perfect and I've been punished for bad behavior, particularly disciplined as a child, but I've also had things come back on me (they say be careful what you wish for). But most of my life has been lived doing good things, especially for people who needed help or was having a bad day or going thru a rough time. I learned it felt much better to live a good life and help people from an early age. See, as a child I was picked on and harassed and humiliated and even beaten up by other kids. This went on for several years. But then one year I started hitting back. I mean I seriously punched anyone who meant to hurt me or had hurt me. They began to call  me the "Welter Weight Champion of the School". The harassment and ridicule then stopped and the so-called offenders never touched me again nor said anything about me again. But they moved on to picking on new students. So I would quickly befriend them and take them under my wing. Not just to protect them but to teach them what I learned. I gained many a good friendship from that. I always looked after the "misfits" and I carried that same attitude throughout my adult life. I learned to befriend people, be kind to people and even if they don't ask for it, help people. Not everyone will speak up when they need help. I don't mean to brag or give myself credit but I have always tried to be a good citizen. I believe I was. 

My illness doesn't make my life easy. In fact, I have a lot of difficulties. But I was slowly accepting it and learning on my own how to do things so I didn't need to rely on people. Just bathing and dressing myself is a chore. Takes me an hour. But it use to take me three! I've improved! But then my husband died. His death is far worse than dealing with my illness. His death is so painful, actually physically painful for me that it is torture. I feel as tho I am being punished. I have always loved life but of course, I learned from the School of Hard Knocks to be appreciative of it. I felt life was a blessing. Now it's a punishment. And in the last 24 hours and what has transpired, it just became even more punishing. 

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I'm actually quite appalled that social services would basically give you that as your only other option.

foreverhis:  I was surprised too. I guess there are just too many homeless people these days and when she saw me with the oxygen, maybe I was an easy target for her to suggest hospice. I guess if I wasn't ill and didn't need to be on oxygen I would go to the streets and figure it out from there. I have a small portable oxygen concentrator (the Inogen G3) but the with the setting I have to use it only lasts about 2.5-3 hours. And I'm unable to walk very far, maybe about 30-50 feet. I'd get outside on the street and end up baking in 100 degree weather -a slow and painful death. Otherwise I'd give the street a go. I'm not brave enough to die a painful death. Hospice would be better. 

[tnd]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

as I said I wouldn't recommend moving in with them because what if they threw you out or threatened to if you don't "agree" to....

John9:  Exactly!  The lady with APS just ignored that when I brought that up. She didn't even seem concerned about the hoarding situation. Maybe she is so overworked dealing with homeless people that she's now numb and burnt out. Basically no longer proficient at her job. 

[LMR]

@tnd

I have just had a "fun" weekend shredding documents ready for my move. Whilst sorting through Social Security information I came across a note that said. 'Other help for seniors'. Maybe you have already tried this but it referred to the Eldercare Locator service. I looked it up and apparently they sort of coordinate the different resources available. Of course it is different for each area but it sounds like it was made with you in mind.

I hope this might help.

Eldercare.acl.gov

[tnd]

7 hours ago, LMR said:

I hope this might help.

Eldercare.acl.gov

LMR:  Thank you very much for that! I've begun looking at their website and will start trying to contact them later today (it's only 5am right now). More work to do...

Meanwhile, I've come up with a plan. I almost hesitate to post it because it's a bit of a downer. But after thinking about it, I actually felt a sense of relief and a bit of peace of mind. This is my plan and my plan only and not one that anyone else can interfere with. 

If I'm not able to secure some sort of help before the end of the month, this is my plan. I told my apartment manager that I would be out on/before Aug 30th. She has been very kind to me so I want to keep my word with her and besides, they've already rented out my apt to someone else for mid-September. I can't afford to stay anyways, no money. So...if I can't secure help before the end of the month, then a couple of days before the 30th I will fill my cats bowls with food and water and leave a note asking that they be taken to the no-kill shelter. As for myself, I will turn off my oxygen. It should only take a couple of hours or less for me to "pass". It will be a relatively painless death. Without supplemental oxygen, my O2 level drops rapidly. When it did that when I was in the hospital for a bronchoscopy, it dropped to 40 and I went into full respiratory arrest and they had to intubate me and place me on a ventilator until I could breath on my own again with the help of supplemental oxygen but no ventilator. I am going to do this just a couple days before the end of the month because when the apt. manager realizes that I haven't turned in the keys, she will undoubtedly come to check the apartment. Unfortunately she will find my body (which I do feel about that) but being that I would be laying there for only a day or so with the A/C on, there should not be a smell or much of one. And she will see the note concerning what to do with my cats. She is a huge animal lover herself so I know she will honor my last wishes for them.

I don't want to do this any earlier than the end of the month because my body would stink up the place and my cats would probably starve to death. Because my brother has cut me off, I am already rationing food for myself and my cats. Gotta make it til the end of the month. I don't want them to suffer, I want to give them a chance to live and be adopted. For anyone reading this, I reiterate that this is my plan IF I am unable to secure some sort of help with food, meds and housing before the end of the month. I am not suicidal. But if I have to enact my plan, I am not afraid of death and, dying from hypoxia is relatively painless. Ask a doctor or anesthesiologist and they will tell you. I know this sounds terrible and it is. I acknowledge that. But it's better than dying on the street or being abused by family or dying in pain. It is going to be alright. 

[LMR]

@tnd  I am so sorry. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be out of options and your loss is so recent and raw. I do hope you will find the help you need.

Hugs.

[John9]

tnd,

I am so sorry that you even "have" to think about doing this, this is where the entire Social System is failing people who are in situations through no fault of their own. I said before that some people probably should not have the jobs they have because they have no empathy for anyone. This is not right and there should be "some" organization out there that can understand your situation and how critical and urgent it is. I guess that again because it doesn't affect "them" they don't understand.

[Darlene13]

@tnd I hope you find the help you need too.  I wish I knew more about what resources might be available.  When I google aid for disabled widows, HUD and Social Security seem to be the main options.  I'll keep looking...hang in there.  Praying for you.

[Darlene13]

@tnd This article lists several resources.  It might be worth looking over, at least.

https://widow411.com/financial-resources-for-widows-to-alleviate-your-money-anxiety/

[KayC]

 

21 hours ago, tnd said:

They said that despite my brother and SIL, I should call them to come pack me up and take me to live with them. She also said my brother could pay (because they are not free) for Hospice and I can go to Hospice to remove my oxygen and they will help me die. Otherwise, I will literally have to be on the streets. Those are my choices.

I was appalled that this was their response, and now it has you thinking about that as your only option.  A country can be judged by how they treat their most helpless/vulnerable, guess what that says about ours.

If only I weren't in the situation I'm in now.  Damn!  I don't even know if I'll have a place to live so nothing to offer.  I want so much to help you, if you can think of anything we can do...

Have you tried calling churches?  There's a couple in our small church that has a motor home they have let people stay in on their property, they have a family of four there right now, but perhaps try the churches in your vicinity?  Call them ALL!!  Please!

[John9]

KayC,

 I was thinking the same about the state of "everything" and it fits into my mindset too. I would also hope that some group out there is helping people in just this type of situation. Nobody deserves to be in this state of mind on top of everything else and sadness and grief will not help the thoughts running through the mind. It sucks that available help is not "allowed" because it is against the "rules" to just get to the next stage, if that makes sense. You need help but if you get help then help isn't available because you need help. The worst catch-22 in the US. Broken system if ever there was one.

[Diane R. E.]

tnd; my heart breaks for you. I pray you don't have to follow through with your plan if you can't find a shelter. Shame on our society that you even have to consider this. I cannot believe that the social worker for APS treated you like that - she isn't even going to get you a case manager??? 

[tnd]

11 hours ago, John9 said:

the entire Social System is failing people who are in situations through no fault of their own.

John9:  What does make me a little upset is that I happen to be in a large city where there are way way too many homeless. And in just the last several weeks, literally hundreds maybe a couple thousand now, immigrants have been brought here and charities are housing them. They are being provided Covid testing, Covid vaccines, food, shelter and medical care. While I don't wish anyone harm and certainly do not think my life is more valuable than theirs, I can't help but think that this has put a great strain on the city's resources. I mean, we are bulging at the seams with homeless and now, immigrants and I'm being told there is no help available for me. Kind of a slap in the face but that is why I came up with my own plan now. And it is providing me a little relief knowing that I can do it.    

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Diane R. E. said:

I cannot believe that the social worker for APS treated you like that - she isn't even going to get you a case manager??? 

Diane R.E.:  She left her card and her job title is "specialist" and no, she isn't going to get me a case manager or even do an intake procedure. There is nowhere they can put me. Maybe being on supplemental oxygen is a blessing in disguise because it can be removed without a nurse or doctor. 

[John9]

tnd,

 I am wondering if the area you are in has the local news station who does stories of Human interest that you could explain the problem and maybe they could reach out to an organization through their connections. I am just grasping at straws to keep you from having to fulfill the final act if you can't find the help you need and deserve. We all know that things aren't fair (don't like the F word) but the facts are that people will always fall through the cracks because like you said right now the area is concentrating on a big picture not on "you" or other homeless people. Sadly when you say homeless people don't fully grasp "why" some are homeless, it isn't always a choice they made and it isn't always drugs or alcohol either it is sometimes just bad luck or timing and lack of compassion.

[tnd]

15 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

When I google aid for disabled widows, HUD and Social Security seem to be the main options.  I'll keep looking...hang in there.  Praying for you.

Darlene13:  Thank you, Darlene. I am going to have to get busy and search for resources on what I can do. This just seems so unreal. The loss of my husband seems so unreal and now this. It's hard to describe but I almost don't feel like I'm a person or exist in this world anymore. It's like I am just suddenly being dismissed. Keep praying for me! 

[tnd]

I feel like Will Smith in that movie "In The Pursuit Of Happyness"   (that's how the title is spelled). I just hope I have a good ending like the movie did but I am really doubting it. Weeks before passing my husband said he felt like Job from The Book of Job. That of course, was way worse than what I am going through but still, I am hurt and in shock at how my life is going right now. But maybe the silver lining will be that I will be rejoined with my husband sooner than I thought. So if all else fails, there is that. 

[KayC]

I wish we weren't in the middle of fires/evacuation, you'd find support in our community

[tnd]

I've done some checking around and nope, there is absolutely no more housing/shelter available. I will keep searching tho. 

[foreverhis]

I've given this some thought and have to say it because I'd be angry with myself if I didn't and it might have made a difference.  After this, I will shut up and just keep sending prayers and hope for something positive to happen.  I am not going to tell you that your alternative plan is wrong, even though it hurts my heart so much to know you've come to that point in your life and grief.  I also understand all too well the desire to be with our soulmates again.  So many days I'd think or say, "I can't do this.  You need to come get me now." to John.  I'd wonder why I should be forced to live without him.  I never had any plan or anything, but I also didn't give a damn about living either.  I will support you in whatever choices you make because, even though we've never met, you matter to me and we need to be there for each other in whatever way helps.

It concerns me a great deal that the APS worker would suggest hospice as a good choice.  You mentioned that your brother called them.  What did he tell them?  Did he say you are terminal?  Did he "spin a yarn" that does not include the truth?  I ask because it is doctors and doctors only who can recommend/approve hospice.  This social worker hadn't talked to your doctors, didn't know your medical situation, but felt free to say, "Your brother will pay for you to die in hospice"?  No, just no.  She had no right to say these things or suggest that you just die.  That's wrong on so many levels.

APS is obligated to assign a case worker to you.  That is their job and mandate.  They are required by law to protect you.  Telling you to go live with people who are harming you, live on the streets, or die goes against everything they are supposed to do.  To be bluntly honest, I am thoroughly pissed off about the situation they've left you in.  I do realize I'm looking at this from a distance and can easily say, "This is wrong" without knowing how to fix it.  That doesn't change the fact that APS is not doing their job.

Here are a few links that you probably already have, but just in case.  I don't know if they can help, but maybe?

Texas Medicaid handbook

Texas HHS financial help

Texas HHS ombudsman

Texas APS

That last one lists specifically the requirements of Texas APS responsibilities to you, including financial assistance, medical intervention/help, and referrals to various community services.  That APS agent did NONE of those things.  There is also a place to file a complaint, which I urge you to do if you are emotionally and physically able.

For now, I will keep thinking about you and your cats, hoping that you find a better solution than you have so far, and praying that you receive the help you are both entitled to and need. ((HUGS))

[Gail 8588]

On 8/10/2021 at 6:39 AM, tnd said:

. . . .this is my plan.  . . . .

I know this sounds terrible and it is. I acknowledge that. But it's better than dying on the street or being abused by family or dying in pain. It is going to be alright. 

Tnd, 

I made plans too. Relatively painless. Not messy.  Arrangements for my sweet old beagle to be taken care of.   

And I admit, having those plans gave me some peace of mind, a feeling that I was in some way in control of my fate. 

I sincerely hope that like me, you never implement your plan. 

As strange as this sounds, one option may be to tell a suicide hot line (and confirm to the police when they come) that you are depressed, hopeless, and are on the verge of killing yourself. You will be taken to a mental health facility. Perhaps in that setting you will get some assistance. 

Keep looking for options, because I really do think your admittedly desperate situation is temporary.  Within a year I believe you would be approved as disabled by the SSA.  You would then have benefits from your husband's work history and would have health care with Medicaid and later Medicare. 

You just need a way to stay alive until you can get those benefits. 

I don't think it is a misrepresentation of your situation to say you are depressed due to the death of your husband and due to your physical ailments and that your depression is leading you to suicide as your only option.

Formally apply for disability with SSA before you call the hot line, so that your application for benefits can be "in progress".  Once you are in a facility, they may be able to help you complete that process and get you back on your feet again. 

When SSA approves your disability, I think they will give you a lump sum benefit retroactive to up to 6 months before your application date - not exceeding 12 months of benefits. (This is what my cousin got when she was approved.) It could easily be many thousands of dollars, enough to rent an apartment with all the deposits and such.  Then your monthly benefits will sustain you. 

Just my thoughts. 

Hugs

Gail

 

 

[KayC]

Annie and Gail are both a wealth of knowledge, thank you for that.  Praying continually, tnd.