How Do You Deal With Moving In w/Family Now?

[foreverhis]

On 7/25/2021 at 6:40 AM, KayC said:

I had to laugh yesterday as I got a package in the mail, as soon as I saw what it was, I knew it was from my son!  I'd told him I'd lost so much strength in my hands that I was unable to plunge my toilet the other day.  He replied, "And that's not something you want to ask the neighbor's help with"  Just two days later I got a new plunger, accordion style.    These little things make me feel he cares after all.

Oh my gosh, this sounds so much like John and our daughter.  He was very safety conscious and a bit of a worrier once she moved to Seattle.  Together we would figure out her birthday and Christmas gifts (usually one substantial thing, rather than a bunch of small stuff like when she was a child, or money for travel).  A half dozen times a year, he'd find a little something and send it to her.  A tire inflation device you plug into the lighter, a set of basic car tools with an emergency flare and light, a kitchen fire extinguisher, a solar emergency lantern for the house, etc.  Then after our granddaughter was born and he spent 5 weeks with them--after her fiance decided he didn't want to be a father after all--he did all kinds of little house repairs and bought things she needed (with my mom's credit card because she offered to take care of everything for that first month--so nice of her).  So then it became, "What does she need to keep the baby healthy and safe?"  Like iron-on non-skid tabs for the bottom of toddler socks and tights or a small sturdy kid-size stool. She would chuckle and tell her friends about her dad's extra gifts and say, "He's Mr. Practical and he loves us immensely." 

He did that kind of thing for me too.  He'd come home from the hardware store with a little something either for the kitchen or that was for safety/protection.  He bought a new step stool for me because the old one was, "not sturdy enough."  He always made sure my car was in good working order.  He built us things to make life easier.   And one time he came home with a device called "The Johnny Jolter."  Although we rarely have to plunge, I just couldn't do it with the traditional kind once I started having joint inflammation and pain.  If he wasn't home, I'd have to wait.  This one uses water and air, kind of like a syringe, and works great for me.  I'm sure I've mentioned that he was a manly man, but not outwardly macho.  He didn't need to be.  He was my protector and white knight (so to speak) in a marriage of equals.

Of course he also did the grandpa thing and would wander into the educational toys store next to one of the groceries we went to monthly.  He'd come into the grocery and show me whatever small, cool thing he bought for his precious grandbaby.  Each year he bought her fall boots and a winter jacket or parka if she needed it.  If he saw something on a good sale that he knew she'd love, he'd send it to her if we had extra in that month's budget.  She'd show her friends and brag, "These are my grandpa boots" or "My grandpa gave me this sweater."  He had really great taste too.  And then there were the crazy socks.  He'd buy packs of the craziest, wild colors, silly designs, etc. and we used them for packing material when we sent up packages.  She adored those silly socks and told me that it made her feel like, "Grandpa is here every day."  Technically, all these were practical gifts, but it meant the world to her to get a package from her grandpa.  She'd get her mom to video call so she could open the package with him "there" for her.  I do not begrudge one penny out of the budget that he spent "spoiling" his girls a bit.

What matters are those small, thoughtful gestures.  He was the most thoughtful, caring husband, father, and grandpa in the world.

Wow, I guess I kind of went on about that a bit.  It's just that it reminded me so much of the practical ways he showed us his love.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

He was the most thoughtful, caring husband, father, and grandpa in the world.

foreverhis:  I enjoyed reading everything you wrote about your husband and all the nice things he did for the family. Good to know where his priorities lay. We might be without our husbands but not the ever-lasting effects of their love, their actions and the memories created. No one can take those away from us. They are in our hearts forever. And since yours seemed to have a real sense of humor, that's a bonus!  

[KayC]

Wow.  Who doesn't clean the bathroom?  My craft room may be covered in dust and the room where all my son's stuff is but I keep the living spaces clean, that's why I was stunned at how mad my sister's house was/is.  We did a lot but it's a drop in the bucket.  She needs to hire someone for a regular basis.  She doesn't see well anymore but even if she did, she wouldn't clean.  How do you do that in your kitchen and bathroom?!  Yikes indeed!

 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Oh my gosh, this sounds so much like John and our daughter.  He was very safety conscious and a bit of a worrier once she moved to Seattle.  Together we would figure out her birthday and Christmas gifts (usually one substantial thing, rather than a bunch of small stuff like when she was a child, or money for travel).  A half dozen times a year, he'd find a little something and send it to her.  A tire inflation device you plug into the lighter, a set of basic car tools with an emergency flare and light, a kitchen fire extinguisher, a solar emergency lantern for the house, etc.  Then after our granddaughter was born and he spent 5 weeks with them--after her fiance decided he didn't want to be a father after all--he did all kinds of little house repairs and bought things she needed (with my mom's credit card because she offered to take care of everything for that first month--so nice of her).  So then it became, "What does she need to keep the baby healthy and safe?"  Like iron-on non-skid tabs for the bottom of toddler socks and tights or a small sturdy kid-size stool. She would chuckle and tell her friends about her dad's extra gifts and say, "He's Mr. Practical and he loves us immensely." 

That is so sweet!  Yes, I always loved this about my son.  My daughter buys me hand lotions, lipsticks, candles, the luxury things a woman likes, but my son buys me the practical things.   I'd love to see him take the test for the five love languages, I bet it'd be gift of service and giving.  My daughter's is definitely giving.

I'm glad you "went on about it," it brought special memories for you and a smile for us. 

[KayC]

I can't remember where you posted it but you cried out about you were "sorry he died at such an inconvenient time."  It was your thought in response to your brother wanting to watch his sons play in their games before going off to college.  I understand that feeling and have felt the same but deep down know your brother didn't mean it the way it sounded.  And truth be known, no one dies at a convenient time, we're never ready for them to die!  None of us can be prepared for it either, even if we know it'll happen. 

 

[tnd]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

Wow.  Who doesn't clean the bathroom?

KayC:  They only recently put my SIL's mother into an assisted living place -past the age of 95! They live in a neighboring state from her so it wasn't like they helped her on a regular basis, either. They seem to have waited until she could absolutely do no more. I thought that was awful. But my SIL is the type that once said "animals, meaning pets, should just go naturally"...meaning no matter how old, sick or in pain they are, let them die "naturally". And then with her hoarding problem, I'd say she's got a "problem". But if I get there and the place isn't safe, I am going to speak up. Firefighters and paramedics require that a house is safe enough for them to enter as well as for the people they are helping/giving aid to. This is where I might have a say in the matter because with my illness, there is a good chance that a time will come that I might need an ambulance. If a house is not safe, the fire marshal will issue a citation....and after so many of those, a house can be deemed "uninhabitable".  So her hoarding just might have to be addressed and taken seriously now. I will be neat and tidy and keep my bathroom/assigned room clean but I am not cleaning up her messes. 

[tnd]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

It was your thought in response to your brother wanting to watch his sons play in their games before going off to college.  I understand that feeling and have felt the same but deep down know your brother didn't mean it the way it sounded.  And truth be known, no one dies at a convenient time, we're never ready for them to die!

KayC:  My brother was in the Army and deployed overseas a couple times. I think he feels guilty about being away from his family, particularly his sons. So I completely understand that he wants to be there for them now. Wants to make up for lost time so to speak. I just wish I had someone  here, physically here to help me. There is still so much that needs to be done and I am feeling mighty lousy. And no one to even console or hug me. Alone since last December. And I don't know but I swear, every time my SIL thinks my brother isn't around (at work or can't hear her), she calls me up to add more to my "To Do List". 

I take Methotrexate once a week. It's an oral form of chemo. It leaves me feeling crummy for a couple of days. I emailed them both to tell them this in case I don't answer the phone or their emails. I didn't want them to worry. Just means I'm in bed. Well, it's been quiet! But I bet it will all start back up tomorrow. But I might just have to put my foot down and say "no more". So while I understand that they couldn't just come and get me right away, I feel alone in this struggle here. At least until they do come. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, tnd said:

And no one to even console or hug me.

I think that's what I miss the most.  Yes I miss that person to talk over my day with, that partner to share in chores/finances, but MOSTLY I miss his holding me!

 

12 hours ago, tnd said:

every time my SIL thinks my brother isn't around (at work or can't hear her), she calls me up to add more to my "To Do List". 

Groan...just what you need. 

 

[tnd]

It's been quiet today. No phone calls or emails telling me what I need to still do. But I won't be surprised if I get some hellacious email tonite. I didn't do jack today. For some reason my right knee has decided to give out on me. It comes and goes and I don't know if this is the Sarcoidosis but this is something new. But the longer I am off of it the less it hurts and I can walk on it (sort of). My plan is to work on the place as best as I can but not today. I wish cats could walk upright and carry stuff.  

[Gail 8588]

I have been sick for about a week.  I figured it was just a summer cold and it would run its course. 

But being sick alone is lonely. 

Covid is spreading rapidly in Florida. I don't think I have covid. I am fully vaccinated.  But my Dr sent me to take a PCR covid test today, just to be sure.  Dr scheduled a chest x-ray to make sure it hasn't become pneumonia. 

My granson's daycare closed today for 2 weeks (Health Dept Requirement) because covid was confirmed at the daycare.  Just before I got sick last Tuesday, I had kept my grandson here at my house over the weekend.  So who knows. . .

Anyway,  whether its just a summer cold I can't shake, or a mild case of covid,  I still feel crummy, coughing, fever, sore throat, achy.   I miss my sweetie pie who would be taking care of me if he were here. (And I'd be telling him to stay away, as I wouldn't want to give him my plague.) 

It's easier adjusting to this new single existence when you are relatively healthy.  It's more of a struggle when you hit bumps in the road. 

Just venting. 

Gail

[tnd]

39 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

But being sick alone is lonely. 

Gail 8588:  I hope you don't have Covid and will feel better soon. It is hard being sick and dealing with it alone. One of the perks when you're married is always having someone to help you in such times. Now we've got to help ourselves. Just like back in the days when I was single. I didn't have anybody to help me. Had to go to the store myself and load up on all the comfort items and meds and slink back home into bed. I had 14 years with my husband. That's 14 years of being cared for and looked after and thought of. And now I'm back to being by myself. Hardly seems that my husband and I spent any time together. Wasn't long enough. It's like a part of my life just got erased. Really hard to comprehend that it is so final. And now it's like "Oh, okay, now I've got to think of doing something else!" But that's not how it's going.   

 

[Gail 8588]

We were married for 38 years, and together for a couple of years before. So basically my entire adult life he took care of me when I was under the weather.  It just feels extra alone to not have him here when I am feeling poorly.

Just something to get used to, for the rest of my life.  

Gail

[foreverhis]

Oh Gail, I'm so sorry you're ill.  I hope it's not COVID, but if it is at least you are vaccinated which should mitigate the worst of it.  It is so hard without our loves here to help us, to comfort and care.  I dread the weeks of recovery I will have after my knee replacement (some time in the next 1-2 years).  I am sure I will be an emotional wreck on top of everything else.

I was 23 when I met John and 25 when we married.  I know what you mean about your John being there for you your whole adult life.  It wasn't as if I was incompetent or a ninny before I met John.  I had a college degree, a decent job, an apartment (with roommate), friends, and an active social life.  But it wasn't until I was with John that I felt my life was complete and full, that all was right with my world. 

I think it's going to take me a long time to get used to him being gone.

[Gail 8588]

Its just nice when you're sick with a cold to call out and say "honey can you toss me a new box of tissues" and a box of tissues lands on the bed. 

Those millions of little things your sweetie did for you, and you did for them. 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

It wasn't as if I was incompetent or a ninny before I met John.  I had a college degree, a decent job, an apartment (with roommate), friends, and an active social life.  But it wasn't until I was with John that I felt my life was complete and full, that all was right with my world. 

I think it's going to take me a long time to get used to him being gone.

foreverhis:  Like you, I had a life before I met my husband. But I didn't feel fulfilled until we married. It was my dream to be married and he fulfilled that dream. Together we embarked on a new journey and it was one that we had selected. We chose marriage. But we sure didn't get to choose when our loved one would leave. I certainly did not choose this pain or the deep sorrow and feelings of emptiness I have. Yes, it's going to take me a long time to get used to it too. 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

Those millions of little things your sweetie did for you, and you did for them. 

Gail 8588:  And not just when we were sick. I didn't really enjoy cooking as much until I met my husband. And the things he did for me were countless. Some even priceless. Our first Christmas he bought me several gifts. But one that stood out was a gift bag filled with several tubes of really nice and wonderfully smelling lotion. All in the same scent. He said that he knew I liked that scent so wanted to make sure I had enough to last a while. I was so impressed by that, made me feel so special. Heck, I was surprised that he even went into the lotion shop! I've purposely kept a tube, half used but because it's a reminder of how thoughtful he was. He saw it one time when I had the drawer to my nightstand open and asked me about it. It made him feel good that I kept the tube and in turn, that made me feel good too.  

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

coughing, fever, sore throat, achy

It could be either, is your grandson sick or displaying these symptoms?  I hope they get the results back to you quickly!  They're saying colds are severe this summer and can only tell through testing which is which.  I hope to heaven for the best for you, get well!  II hear you on not having our person here to help us.  

Keeping you in my prayers, take it easy.  Do you have someone checking on you?

 

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Its just nice when you're sick with a cold to call out and say "honey can you toss me a new box of tissues" and a box of tissues lands on the bed. 

Those millions of little things your sweetie did for you, and you did for them. 

Exactly.  It wasn't diamonds or roses that I needed or wanted, though there were a few years in my 20s when I thought I did.  I needed and was so lucky to find a man who would make me a cup of tea, bring me those tissues, say, "God bless you" ten times if I had a sneezing fit and then chuckle over my "petite" sneeze--compared to his big honking one.  Sometimes I had to remind him to be more demonstrative, but under everything he did for me was that strong thread of love.  Even during the occasional truly angry times, the love was there.  Most of our days over the last 15 years of our life together were quiet and just the two of us--and we were happy with that.  Yes, sometimes we got on each other's nerves, but that's normal in 35 years of marriage.  Our simple day-to-day life was content and happy.  I will miss that for the rest of my life.

One of my pet peeves is when people (usually women it seems) say something like, "My wedding day must be perfect.  It's the most important day of my life."  I want to respond, "No, it is not.  The most important day of your life is the day after that and all the days that follow."  Our wedding was small, intimate, and fun.  I'm glad we had the ceremony and the party, but that wasn't what made us partners, lovers, best friends, fellow adventurers, and just everything.  It was making it through the years, the wonderful times and the hard ones and right up to his last devastating months.  I don't understand why people don't understand that.  They'll spend $100,000 on a wedding, but not put the time and effort and love into the actual marriage.

[Gail 8588]

Foreverhis, 

I totally agree, wedding events have turned into such extravagant displays.  It is out of proportion, and often financially crippling.  

The worth of a marriage is not related to how much is spent on the wedding, it is the day to day acts of kindness and support the two people show to each other. 

I don't understand how that is not obvious to so many young couples. 

Gail

[tnd]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

Our wedding was small, intimate, and fun.  I'm glad we had the ceremony and the party, but that wasn't what made us partners, lovers, best friends, fellow adventurers, and just everything.  It was making it through the years, the wonderful times and the hard ones and right up to his last devastating months.  I don't understand why people don't understand that.  They'll spend $100,000 on a wedding, but not put the time and effort and love into the actual marriage.

foreverhis:  You put that so well. And you are so right! Same thing when they buy a house...they'll take out a huge mortgage but then turn around and sell the house in a year, having never made it a "home". My husband and I had wished we could have had jobs back in the day where you could work for the same employer for 30 years instead of fearing layoffs and mergers and then retire with a pension (instead of 401K) and be able to afford a modest home and live in it, make it ours, pay off the mortgage and live there until we were ready to downsize or go into a nursing home. Okay, so I've got to stop dreaming...things only got worse. 

[tnd]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

They'll spend $100,000 on a wedding, but not put the time and effort and love into the actual marriage.

foreverhis:  Same goes for houses. Because my brother was in the military they've had to move around a lot. Nearly every 2 years. And everywhere they went my brother has always bought a nice house. My SIL has never worked. They have 2 boys. And she's a hoarder. She doesn't cook or clean. She shops on the internet. She has every household gadget you could think of but doesn't use them. She's a penny pincher yet my brother makes good money. He's retired now but only in his 50's so started a second career doing what he did for the Army and in the same office. They now live in a custom built home. Am I jealous? A little but not of their life. I can't believe that she has such a  nice home, has always had nice houses, but doesn't take care of it. I know that people who hoard have deep-rooted problems and need professional help but this is what I am about to step in to. This is where I am going to live. And I know that I am going to see their house and feel torn that she treats it like it's junk. She has no idea how lucky she is to have married my brother and to have the life she has. I don't know what her problems are that cause her to hoard but I really do not want to spend my time trying to figure that out. So if in 3 years I qualify for full SS benefits and can somehow afford a low income apartment in town or some city, that's probably what I will do. It's going to be a long 3 years, if I live that long.  

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, tnd said:

Same thing when they buy a house...they'll take out a huge mortgage but then turn around and sell the house in a year, having never made it a "home".

Absolutely spot on!  While our daughter was in school, we leased a home because of the school district and convenience for my work, but we knew we didn't want to live there forever.  When John and I finally managed to save enough to buy a house (plus a little early inheritance from my parents to make the down payment even more), we started looking in the two towns where we wanted our forever home.  I'll admit we could have saved faster, but after John almost died in his bicycling accident and then developed permanent physical issues, we decided to set aside some of the money we were saving in a travel fund.  We didn't regret that one bit because the memories and our time together and with our daughter, then later visiting our daughter and granddaughter, were priceless.  Our travel style was pretty simple, so it didn't "break the bank." 

We got a pre-qualification for the amount of mortgage we were willing to take on.  Our agent and the broker kept saying, "You would qualify for quite a bit more and could buy a larger/newer home..." and blah, blah, blah.  We said no.  We wanted a comfortable place we could call our own and make a home.  We didn't want to have to worry about a large mortgage payment.  So we ended up with a small older home in a beach tract of small lots with a not-quite-distant view of the ocean, bays, and estuary.  It was right in our price range and didn't need big work right away.  Our area has a fairly high cost of living, but we don't need or want fancy and kept things simple.

We knew we could have bought a newer, bigger place in a cheaper location, but that wasn't our priority.  We're coastal people and have lived near the ocean all our lives.  We wanted to be able to walk to the local nature preserve.  We wanted to be able to be at the ocean with just a short drive.  We wanted to live in a quirky neighborhood and meet people.  After living in the Bay Area for decades, we wanted the quiet agricultural/fishing/small town life.  I'll admit to a little trepidation going from basically city living to country life.  Within 6 months, I wouldn't have gone back for anything.  Now, it's like, "Oh geez, I have to drive all the way to town," our small local city 14 whole miles each way!

I am so thankful that John was able to keep his modest life insurance through his professional association, even after his accident derailed his career.  Because we had been paying extra from time to time, I was able to pay off the mortgage and have a couple of big projects completed with enough leftover for the desperately needed kitchen remodel we were starting.  It's literally falling apart at this point because parts of it are original from 1965 and the rest is from a basic remodel done 30 years ago.  I've had to scale back our budget, which wasn't gigantic anyway, but it's a small kitchen so I'm okay with it.

The first year or so after John died, several friends and some family asked me if I planned to move, if it would be too hard to live here.  I am so lucky that I was able to say I planned to stay.  We have neighbors who are good friends and who have been there for us and are now there for me.  I don't take any of it for granted.  Every day now, I open the bedroom shades, look out at our spectacular view, and say, "It's another beautiful day, love. I hope you can see it where you are."

I'm also reminded of my baby sister and her husband.  They're still in the Bay Area probably until they retire, likely down here (hope, hope).  Our parents gave them some early inheritance too, which they added to their savings to buy an older tract home that needed work.  His parents donated time and materials and got a contractor friend to do a decent remodel.  Then several years ago, they decided to downsize.  They don't have children (by choice) and his job pays well, so they could have bought bigger, newer, and fancier.  Instead, they invested the significant gains from the sale of their home to buy a smaller, simpler place nearby with a modest mortgage.  My sister told me that several of their friends were puzzled and almost confused by this.  Some of them were at a point where they were buying bigger, fancier homes and took a while to come around to understanding.  Meanwhile, my sister and her wonderful husband are saving and will be finished paying off their mortgage at least 10 years before their friends.  They did go for a custom kitchen remodel last year (they both cook), but they drive cars that are 10-15 years old and their biggest splurge is belonging to a couple of winery cellar clubs.  Their house is a warm, inviting home with a small garden and yard.  And they are content and happy living there with their shelter dog. 

[tnd]

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Every day now, I open the bedroom shades, look out at our spectacular view, and say, "It's another beautiful day, love. I hope you can see it where you are."

foreverhis:  I love stories like this! And yours sounds like the perfect home. Kudos to you! I think you and your husband made a smart choice when you bought the house. I grew up in a very small house but it was brand-new and to young kids, my brothers and I were excited over it. My mother made it real cozy and there was plenty of room for a family of five. And for the holidays, there was always room for friends. Everyone we knew would come to enjoy my mother's home-baked goodies. And there was always room at the table, even when there wasn't. lol  Many many good memories of that house. 

I grew up with a stay at-home mom and so did most of my friends. Us little girls would play house and emanate our mothers. Now, my mother was no slacker. She got up before anyone else to start her day. She cooked, cleaned, ran errands, gardened, attended school activities and when I was little, she sewed all her own clothes and mine. Even my winter coat and one time, a pretty bathing suit! She was the best mother a kid could ever have. And altho she was always busy, she always had time for me and my brothers AND my father. She would cook large pots of homemade chili and take it to his work to share. She volunteered at fund raisers, she did it all. And somehow, she kept the house immaculate and cooked every day for us. Now fast forward to my SIL...she hasn't had to work, they decided she would be a stay at-home mother but...she doesn't DO anything. She shops online and hoards. She doesn't cook or clean. I have no idea what my brother and their boys eat. When my mother was still alive she visited them once and found the house so repulsive that she only stayed one day and went back home. She couldn't stand the mess (complete with piles of dirty laundry on the floor in the hallway) and the fact that the place hadn't even been cleaned prior to her arrival. My mother didn't say anything to them about it and the only thing they ever said to me about it was that mom sure left in a hurry. Guess they didn't "get it". And it sounds like they still don't...       

[KayC]

Gail, worried about you!  Have you been tested for Covid??

[Gail 8588]

39 minutes ago, KayC said:

Gail, worried about you!  Have you been tested for Covid??

Kay, 

Don't worry about me. I'm getting better. My covid test came back negative. So it's just a minor aggravating illness. 

I'm just whining because I'm achy and stuffed up and have a sore throat.  I heat up cans of Progresso chicken soup and miss the days when my sweetie pie would have heated the can of soup for me. 

I'll be fine. 

I'm worried about you!  You have so much on your plate to take care of, and your whole region is on fire.  

Take care.

Gail

[KayC]

Gail, I'm so relieved to hear it's not Covid, esp. with all the breakthrough cases and the new variant.  The news said the summer colds this year are the worst.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

The news said the summer colds this year are the worst.

I was reading that RSV (respiratory virus) is also increasing among children and babies right now too.  

[tnd]

The Salvation Army will be here to pick up all my furniture next Saturday on the 7th. My brother or SIL should be here by the 9th or 10th. I'll be sleeping on the floor til then. Haven't had to do that since my younger days. I even wonder if I will be able to get myself back up off the floor. And then when I get to my brother's, I will be sleeping in a twin bed in their guest room. He said that if I had wanted to bring my queen bed with me they'd have to shove it over against the wall to make room because the room is filled with, you guessed it, junk. He said the rest of the house is filled from floor to ceiling. They recently "acquired" my SIL's mothers things/furniture when she went into an assisted living place. So not all of it is because of my SIL's hoarding but their garage is full and my brother's workshop is full. That's a LOT of stuff. And it doesn't sound too inviting. In fact, it is probably going to depress me, if I could be any more depressed. 

[KayC]

Oh tnd, I'm so sorry, please hold out hope for the day you turn 60 and can get benefits, if not before, I'm hoping you'll get disability and qualify for help, then you can contact senior and disabled services, I know the one here is wonderful.  I imagine it varies depending on who is working there.  So important to keep hope that this is a TEMPORARY move.  It's going to be hard to shut out all of the "stuff" you'll be forced to live with.  Maybe there's somewhere outside you can sit and enjoy nature?

Why would anyone "acquire" all of that stuff, why not give or sell it?  I know, not dealing with a clear full deck here.   Hoarding is a sickness.

[Gail 8588]

Tnd,

I have been sleeping on a twin bed, by choice, since my husband passed.  I find it very comfortable.  It also helps me to not feel his absence in the rest of the empty bed. 

Our service men and women sleep in twin beds. Doctors, nurses on call, firemen, etc.  Lots of adults sleep on twins.  So try to put a positive spin on it.  It's really not bad. 

Hugs

Gail

P. S.  After sleeping on the floor, it will be an improvement!

[tnd]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

Why would anyone "acquire" all of that stuff, why not give or sell it?  I know, not dealing with a clear full deck here.   Hoarding is a sickness.

KayC:  Her excuse is that she can sell stuff on ebay and make tons of money. She's also a huge penny-pincher. Nothing wrong with that but my brother makes good money and she doesn't need to act like they are poor. I think part of her hoarding illness involves being fascinated with numbers and money, like wheeling-n-dealing. She's addicted to it like people are addicted to drugs or gambling. You cannot have a normal conversation with her without her bringing up the price of things and how much money she could make if she "had a hundred of those" to turn around and sell. But there's one problem with that; she doesn't sell the stuff, if rarely. It just accumulates. My poor brother...years back he said imagine being in a war zone for a year (which he was) and then coming home...to her. He went to work right away on organizing the house and garage. He said he was so proud of himself for getting all her junk squared away. But then he popped his head up into the attic....

[foreverhis]

On 7/29/2021 at 12:00 PM, tnd said:

foreverhis:  I love stories like this! And yours sounds like the perfect home. Kudos to you! I think you and your husband made a smart choice when you bought the house. I grew up in a very small house but it was brand-new and to young kids, my brothers and I were excited over it. My mother made it real cozy and there was plenty of room for a family of five. And for the holidays, there was always room for friends. Everyone we knew would come to enjoy my mother's home-baked goodies. And there was always room at the table, even when there wasn't. lol  Many many good memories of that house. 

It was the perfect home for us, though we did make our leased house into a home too. It had a huge enclosed patio and a family room.  I had a big bonus one year at work, so we bought a hot tub.  The yard was big with fruit trees, so perfect for dogs and teenagers.  Ours was the "girl gathering" home where they were always welcome and many a night it was, "Mom/Daddy, can so-and-so stay for dinner?" or "It's Friday, can my friends stay over?"  John and I learned to have healthy (and a few not so healthy) snacks on hand.  I kept homemade cookie dough in the freezer--just in case.  I tended to make extra of whatever for dinner (leftovers for lunch are never a bag thing, regardless).  We wanted our daughter and her friends to feel safe and happy.  Our rules were simple, but absolutely set in stone:  If you make a mess, clean it up; music at a reasonable level; no drugs or alcohol; ask before offering overnights; be respectful to us and each other.  We also had big casual parties, especially for all the holidays, and like with your home, we could always squeeze in another chair and plate.  Maybe John and I got that from our grandmother's who raised families in small, warm homes.  I don't know.  What I do know is that it made us happy.

One of the things that's nice about a small home is that there's less to clean!  And though it feels empty, it would probably be worse if it was larger.  The benefit of a small yard is similar.  Years ago, John had suggested we take out the stupid sod (a water suck that constantly needed feeding) and have pretty pavers installed, leaving a couple of small beds for native plants and drought-tolerant prairie grass.  Over many years, we collected pots for planting. John installed a watering system (which I need to re-do this year).  Thank goodness for that because I could not keep up a big yard with large planting beds--and I can't afford a gardener.

I've found that what makes a house into a home is the warmth and comfort people feel when they are in it.

 

5 hours ago, tnd said:

She's addicted to it like people are addicted to drugs or gambling.

One of my aunts was like that.  My uncle was incredibly patient, far more than I would have been.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, tnd said:

she can sell stuff on ebay

But DOES she?  Can and does are two completely different things and eBay has changed, much harder to now and no help available if you run into difficulty, otherwise I'd do the same, I did years ago.

19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have been sleeping on a twin bed, by choice, since my husband passed.  I find it very comfortable.  It also helps me to not feel his absence in the rest of the empty bed. 

Me too only on a reclining loveseat, I let my puppy sleep with me now, the bed was just a huge reminder of his absence, we used to spoon together...

12 hours ago, tnd said:

She's addicted to it like people are addicted to drugs or gambling.

My sister Peggy has a gambling addiction (fortunately can't act on it now).  She refused to take me to the hospital to be with my husband that last weekend he was in there with a heart attack because she "wanted to stay and gamble" (I don't gamble)...we had just left on our annual sisters' reunion when he went in, I didn't get to see him until two days later, right before he died.  She tried to rewrite history to make it more palatable, I wouldn't let her.  She appears giving but is actually very strong willed, stubborn, and self-centered.

[tnd]

16 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Years ago, John had suggested we take out the stupid sod (a water suck that constantly needed feeding) and have pretty pavers installed, leaving a couple of small beds for native plants and drought-tolerant prairie grass.  Over many years, we collected pots for planting.

foreverhis: When we still had the house my husband and I were thinking of doing the same thing, except that our back yard was huge. Maybe too huge. So my husband started planning out a sort of native area of xeriscaping and native plants that were drought resistant. It was the perfect plan. We had to sell the house but I know that the back yard would have ended up even more beautiful and a lot easier to take care of than it already was. Good memories. 

[tnd]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

She appears giving but is actually very strong willed, stubborn, and self-centered.

KayC:  My SIL is a little like that and so was my mother. She was an excellent and caring mother but later in life she was very self-centered. I always had to do "the dance" as I called it with her. And funny, a therapist I saw told me there was a book with a similar title about that very thing. Imagine her surprise when I finally put my foot down and didn't dance anymore. The therapist was so proud of me! I'm glad that you didn't let your sister rewrite history and make you do the dance. 

[tnd]

On 7/31/2021 at 12:07 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Tnd,

I have been sleeping on a twin bed, by choice, since my husband passed.  I find it very comfortable.  It also helps me to not feel his absence in the rest of the empty bed. 

Gail 8588:  It isn't so much the twin bed that concerns me but all the junk that is piled up in that room (my brother told me). Years ago I remember when my mother and I had visited them they barely had enough room to walk into each of the guest rooms to get to the beds. My mother wasn't too happy or comfortable with that. We felt like that there had been no preparation for our visit but it had been planned for a long time. And then my brother has gone back/forth about bringing my own queen size bed and bed set...first saying yes, then hemming and hawing about the expense and then back to saying he'd bring it if I want him to but he'd have to shove it against the wall in the room because of all the junk in there. That's when I decided I will donate everything to the Salvation Army. 

The fact that my brother is now just sending my SIL to come get me has me concerned. That's not like him, or so I didn't think it was like him, to have his wife drive across the country by herself. They live several states away. That just seems odd. He says it's because he doesn't want to miss my nephews football games. I'm concerned because I'd feel bad and not be able to forgive myself if something were to happen to her on the road trip. I can't help but feel there is something going on between them...and I am about to walk into the middle of it. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, tnd said:

I remember when my mother and I had visited them they barely had enough room to walk into each of the guest rooms to get to the beds.

My sister's bedroom is like that, barely paths around the bed to get to her junk with her walker.  Stuff piled high on her headboard which is not attached to her bed, but loose and with all the stuff precariously piled on it it seems dangerous to me.  Now a fan on top, the old one was heavy and that helped it stay put but this one is light weight and it wouldn't take much to topple it.  I would think it distracting but she likes having all her junk around her.

12 hours ago, tnd said:

I can't help but feel there is something going on between them...and I am about to walk into the middle of it. 

Oh no!  I hope not...

[tnd]

My SIL is now on her way here. When I got the news I was able to lie down -and ended up sleeping for nearly 3 solid hours! It was like a sense of relief knowing that another human will soon be here. And will help me. Maybe I can start to decompress a little now. Still have much to get done before heading out but knowing she will be here helps. 

I'm not sure when we will be heading out but if I "go dark" then that that means I am on the road. And I don't know how long it will be before I can use my computer when I get there. But I will be back. I will still need all of you and will want to know how everyone is doing on this hard journey. You've been the biggest help. But I still need you guys! 

[foreverhis]

8 minutes ago, tnd said:

I will still need all of you

We will be here for you through anything that comes your way.  I wish you safe travels and as easy a transition as possible. ((HUGS))

[Gail 8588]

Tnd,

I will be thinking of you and sending you strength to get through this difficult transition. 

I expect we will hear from you before you move, but if not know we are all wishing you well.  We will look forward to hearing from you after you are settled in. 

Hugs

Gail

[KayC]

@tnd, you are in my thoughts and prayers as you travel and get set up, may it go swiftly and uneventfully as possible.

[Sparky1]

@tnd We'll be here for you. I'm hoping that everything goes well for you and you have a smooth transition, God bless you.

[LMR]

@tnd I am thinking of you. I hope it all goes well. You're very brave.

[tnd]

Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes. I need the support. I'm glad and very lucky to know I have friends on here. All this is so hard for me. Been feeling sick all day, not from my illness, well maybe, but I think it's my nerves. I am so nervous and stressed. My SIL will be here in a few hours. When she pulls over at rest stops she calls with hundreds of questions and it's overwhelming me. Just ordering my meds to be delivered today has been stressful...for the last 2 days I was on-hold with the pharmacy for over ONE HOUR each time with NO success. Finally got thru this afternoon. They are overwhelmed because of the Covid surge. And now my SIL has a zillion questions about things and I just can't answer any more questions. 

I feel as tho I am shutting down and I don't want to do that. I still have so much to do for the move. My SIL is renting a small trailer and brought up which furniture I'd like to take. It's like, "what?? wait a minute!" I already scheduled the Salvation Army to come tomorrow but even so, who does my SIL think would help her lift furniture into a trailer?? Not me! I can't even lift a box! And I'm not joking about that. This tells me that she STILL does NOT get that I am very ill and weak. I don't know whether to be angry or to cry. I feel as tho I am not being heard. I feel like I'm no longer my own person anymore. Am I just going to be looked at now as if I'm lazy or stupid? I mean, I am only 57 yrs old but if I can't afford to live on my own then I must be too stupid, right? Is that what they are thinking? And now other people have to take control of my life, seemingly since I can't. Well, that's how all this is making me feel, no matter how positive I want to be about the move. How I feel doesn't seem to matter to anyone. My brother and SIL can't see that the very fact that I'm even still alive means I am fighting the good fight and doing better than a lot of others in my situation and with my illness. Well, except to you guys on here. My only friends right now. But I am very glad to have you guys for the support. You are helping me in this fight. More than you will ever know. I will do my best to stay in the fight but at the moment, feels like my boat is sinking. And while I sink my SIL will argue what type, size and brand of life buoy to toss me and where she can buy one for the best price and maybe I can ask around and gee, can I make do with a rope? And I'm like "Just throw me a damn buoy!!"   

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

I am sincerely hoping that the situation will improve when your SIL actually sees you. That she will realize how limited you are physically and start acting more appropriately. 

Good luck.

Gail

[Roxeanne]

Tnt  i understand how you're feeling !

Depend on other people is the worst situation ever...even if they are your brother and SIL!

I hope you will have an economic support for your disability and maybe in the next future you will have your indipendent life again with the help of a caregiver!

Hold on now and think at this as your goal !

I send to you a big hug Roxi

[Diane R. E.]

Tnd; I pray Gail is right that once your SIL sees you she will wake up and realize you are ill and limited in what you can physically do. What was she thinking about how you two could get any furniture into a trailer??? Especially since you arranged for Salvation Army to come for it! I'm sorry this is so stressful and hope it gets better once the move is done. (((Hugs)))

[KayC]

20 hours ago, tnd said:

I feel as tho I am not being heard.

I feel that with my sister too.  Some people only want what they want and are relentless.  (I posted about what I'm going through with her in another thread).
Maybe find a mantra and repeat it.  "I can't answer any more questions, it's too much."  Repeat.

7 minutes ago, Diane R. E. said:

What was she thinking about how you two could get any furniture into a trailer???

She's obviously NOT thinking!  In la-la land, fantasy world, alternate universe. 

 

[tnd]

My world today:   Today was not a good day. Last night dealing with my SIL was pretty bad. She is still in town but I've asked her to leave. She crossed the line last night with telling me that I can do a lot more than I already did (packing/cleaning) and told me I was "playing victim". She went to her hotel last night, I stayed here with my cats. She came back this morning. Still telling me what to do and that it's my choice, that I can either cooperate and get stuff done or play victim.

The Salvation Army came this morning and left without taking anything because they said stuff wasn't prepared for them and they also did not like seeing boxes and bags lined up along the walls (they had plenty of room to move furniture out so I do not know what they are talking about ??).  It might be that they sensed my SIL and I were not getting along. Anyways, my SIL not only yelled some more at me but then today my brother called and he yelled. No joking, he was actually yelling into the phone! As if I am a child misbehaving or something. Unbelievable. This is like the worst nitemare -EVER! To top it off, my SIL called the police on me to do a welfare check because I told her to leave. They suggested I call the shelter. Well, the shelter is full. The police suggested I just keep calling them every day until they can get me in. Meanwhile I guess I will be abandoning all of my belongings here. 

I know all this sounds crazy or that I am crazy. I know some of you will say that I just need to hang in there and move with my brother but at this point, that is out of the question. I am not going to place myself into an abusive and even more stressful environment. The things my SIL and brother said to me was THAT BAD. I don't need this -not from them or from anyone. I'll just have to take my chances at the shelter now. I pray God will forgive me because I know my husband would not have wanted this to happen but, if I am "playing victim" as my SIL put it, I guess dealing with grief and an illness doesn't qualify me to be given moral support from my own family. Will have to find help elsewhere then. 

[LMR]

tnd. I am so sorry you had such a horrible day. It doesn't sound like your brother and SIL are offering a safe environment for you. You will get more sympathy at a shelter and probably make new friends too. I hope you manage to get in soon. Is there nobody who can store some of your belongings for you? What has social security said about your situation?

I was considering renting a lock up for a while, basically to put off some of the decision making, but the prices seem to have gone up a lot lately. My friend here who was in an abusive relationship got herself checked into a mental health facility. Not ideal but it sounded manageable, and safe. Would that be an option?

I hope you will find a way through your troubles. It's hell enough losing our loved ones but then yo lose your home too.......

Wishing you well.