How Do You Deal With Moving In w/Family Now?

[foreverhis]

@tnd  I'm so pleased that you have found a family.  They seem virtual "strangers," but they are not.  I'll try to explain what I mean.  In my life, I've had many friends over the years.  The small number who have become family are the ones who I felt (and they reciprocated) an almost instant bond.  Our best friend, our sister-by-choice, was one of them.  She and I met when she came to a cast party at our house.  I opened the door, she smiled and said, "Hi."  It was like friendship at first sight.  I don't suppose it hurt that we look like sisters or that we were wearing nearly the same outfits (black skirt and white eyelet top for me; the reverse for her), and that we have similar backgrounds in life and in music/theater.  John already knew her because it was her first show in the orchestra for a show he was conducting.  The day she auditioned for him, he came home and told me about her.  She's the daughter of friends we already knew in theater.  He said, "You're going to love her.  We're all going to be great friends."  Years later, she told me that she felt those instant connections too.

I realize that you've "known" Francis through your dentist for some time, but it's only now that you are truly connecting.  She and her family would not have offered, would not have helped the way they are, if they didn't feel a connection to you.  I believe that goes beyond what we might call Christian charity or the spirit of giving.  I'm very glad you are trying to embrace and accept what they are offering both emotionally and financially.

[John9]

foreverhis,

I agree that basically you don't know who will be in your life or why. I "worked" for my friend who died in January at first and had met him at first through a friend of mine who I met through someone else. After being around my "boss" he and I became friends and when he closed the business he had, we continued to talk on the phone. When he had his medical issues before and after closing the business I was the "only" one who cared about him and accepted the responsibility to make sure he was cared for. I am sure some would say it was for "financial" reasons but what he had when he died could not and will not ever compensate for the amount of stress and grief he "put" me and my wife through but I couldn't abandon him either and even though it wasn't the same with MIL it is the same at the same time. The reason you do what you do is what makes you the person you are and if you are a caring person you can't accept that someone has to go through these things alone and helpless. I am not saying any of this to receive credit or praise I am just stating "facts" about me and my wife and what made or makes us who we are or were. I miss the support she always gave me when I was doing what I was doing and of course everything else about her but the support was unconditional without question even when it affected us. She knew that if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done and the outcome would have been terrible for him/them. I can only hope that for tnd all works and works as it should so she has a "better" life and continue to do good "work". I can only do what I can until God says okay you fulfilled your purpose and now you can go. I don't know what that is as none of us do but.....

[tnd]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

I can't help but dream how wonderful it'd be if your pension came in and you got one of those lottery/approvals for housing! 

KayC:  The only problem with that lottery is that it merely puts you on a shorter waiting list of 2.50 years. Right now, the wait time is 5-6 years. I am hoping I will be able to afford something on my own with my Widows Benefits and move A LOT sooner. 

[tnd]

16 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I realize that you've "known" Francis through your dentist for some time, but it's only now that you are truly connecting.  She and her family would not have offered, would not have helped the way they are, if they didn't feel a connection to you. 

foreverhis:  Francis is a very spiritual person. It just feels so awkward to be living with other people right now and why I am having to, so I am depressed and even angry about it but, Francis called at the right time and now she says I am her best friend. I will be forever grateful to her and her family. She's the miracle I asked for and the best friend I could ever have. I consider her and her family "my family" now. We are so different and yet, we connect. I think a little about those "kindness rocks"...you never know where you will find a hidden gem. Best not to ignore kindness, no matter where or how it comes about. Francis is a gem. 

 

[tnd]

22 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Young children really can give your soul a boost. 

Gail 8588:  Was too cute...by the end of the day, the little boy was hugging me. He's only 3 and such a cutie pie. The little girl is almost 5 and she's so much like Francis with her generosity. She said she wants to help take care of me. How precious! They are both very well-behaved for being so young. I watched their little cartoon movies with them and it was the break I needed from the real world. No adult tv, no news, just silly cartoon movies. I was probably watching more than the children were.  

[John9]

On 9/7/2021 at 3:20 PM, tnd said:

Yes, you've left the house but going out to deal with your MIL's probate and your friends estate and to plan a funeral doesn't count. hee, hee...sorry. At some point you might try a short outing JUST for yourself.

tnd,

I understand the comment and I am trying, but still have things to do also and today I went to MIL credit union and what a waste of time that was and totally my own fault. I "forgot" there was an outstanding check and drove 40 miles one way to close account that I couldn't close because......Now I have to wait until check clears and because I messed up the online part is now closed and I can't just check, once again makes my head want to explode. From the beginning it has been one step forward and two steps backward, nice to no that nothing really changed (haha). I am only trying to clear stuff up so when I die my son has less to deal with, less paperwork, less legal stuff, etc. It just doesn't seem like My brain wants to cooperate because I never would have made that mistake before, I would have been watching for the checks to clear because it is what I do/did. I am very happy that you were able to "distract" from the everyday stress you are feeling by being around small ones. I am not sure if I could handle that at the moment even at this stage of my grief but there aren't any in my life so the point is moot.

[tnd]

11 minutes ago, John9 said:

It just doesn't seem like My brain wants to cooperate because I never would have made that mistake before,

John9:  I feel like I'm a few bricks shy of a load these days. I have to check, double check, triple check everything. And even then I still screw things up. It's aggravating. And I find myself being impatient. Anything I've got to do online or by phone is especially aggravating. My brother and SIL thought I should just do it all myself. Kind of hard when your whole world just got turned upside down and what I mean by that, is the loss of our spouses. My husband was my world just as your wife was yours. So now what are we suppose to do? I don't really know but I am trying to force myself to start thinking more like an individual now than a wife. I'm trying to picture living in my own apartment (hopefully soon) and what the apartment will look like and what kind of view will I have from my window. I try picturing myself sitting and having my morning coffee in solitude and remembering my husband but not in sadness, more in a peaceful way. Let it be my motivation for the day. So I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize. 

I called the SSA, they are still processing my application for Widows Benefits. So I got the aggravation of the phone and "menu's" and robots out of the way and can just rest and try to enjoy the rest of my day here.   

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

Best not to ignore kindness, no matter where or how it comes about.

I could not agree more.  My grandma was very much that way.  She (not my mother, unfortunately) taught me to do and accept small acts of kindness wherever they are needed and offered.  My mom wasn't unkind, but she was kinder to her friends than to her children (not abusive; just not particularly nurturing).  John didn't suffer fools and would tell things straight, but he was also the kindest man I've ever known.  He would "commit acts of kindness" big and small without hesitation and without any sense of, "Look at me.  Aren't I a good man?"  It's simply who he was.  He was most definitely a rare gem too. 

I understand, though I've not been there myself, that not having your independence is frustrating and would certainly bring some anger along--especially because your ex-family should have been there to help and instead harmed you in the most toxic way.  That you are still looking at the end goal of being independent again is a great thing.  Although I don't believe we should try to look too far down the road in general, I think that having specific, targeted goals is a good thing.

What's most important now is that you and your cats are safe and protected while you go through the process of approval for benefits. 

[KayC]

On 9/8/2021 at 6:49 AM, John9 said:

I am sure some would say it was for "financial" reasons but what he had when he died could not and will not ever compensate for the amount of stress and grief he "put" me and my wife through but I couldn't abandon him either

I know all too well what you say is true, and just want to say you are a really good man.  It is when we do our best regardless that it shows most.

Oh @tnd how wonderful to get to spend time with her little children!  How nice that they are such good kids and a welcome break!  We all need those little breaks in life, something simple and positive!  You also made the phone call and can't do any more for the day so might as well relax and enjoy what is!

19 hours ago, John9 said:

I "forgot" there was an outstanding check and drove 40 miles one way to close account that I couldn't close because......Now I have to wait until check clears and because I messed up the online part is now closed and I can't just check

Can you call them to check so you don't have to travel so far for nothing?  Your brain is doing what all of our brains do on overload and stressed to the max. 

 

 

[tnd]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

That you are still looking at the end goal of being independent again is a great thing.  Although I don't believe we should try to look too far down the road in general, I think that having specific, targeted goals is a good thing.

foreverhis:  Your grandmother grew up in a different era. Perhaps the times were harder on people so any kindness to be given meant more. Maybe it was actually valued compared to our "want it now, get it fast, on to the next" society we are living in today. Seems people of certain ages were also more neighborly. I don't take kindness for granted either. I never forget those who are kind to me. And I let them know it. For instance, you've been very kind to me. Thank you so very much for being so supportive and encouraging.   

As for my independence, first things first, I need my own place. If I manage that, then I can hang my hat and make it a home and hopefully move a little forward in the grief process. It's not like I want to sit and be depressed thinking about my husband being gone but I want my own space to go when I need to cry or grieve and think of him. I want to be able to talk with him over my morning coffee. Some sort of inner space for he and I to go when I need to. It's almost as if everything needs to be alright or in it's place before I can really rest and face grief head-on. Right now I've been grieving in little increments. I like it here with Francis and her family but...it's not my place. And all my belongings are in suitcases, boxes and storage. Makes me feel scattered. So I want my own place so I can let my hair down so-to-speak. Do it all up my way. Talk to my husband, think of our memories together. Paint a few Kindness Rocks myself. 

[John9]

tnd,

I hope for the best for you, I hope that whatever you "need" you receive. I also think that you are where you belong at the stage of your grief you are in, I mean after what you went through with your "family" you need Francis and she needs to be there for you. As MIL used to say "one thing at a time" and right now this is it. I want to believe you will receive the benefits you "deserve" and will be able to have what you want, the place for you and your husband to "talk" because that is important for me to do also. I just would like to "hear" her answer me. By the way there was another random flower today that appeared in the brick area.

[tnd]

John9:   Thanks, John, I think you are right about me being where I need to be right now -with Francis. Guess whenever I have to put things on-hold or wait it acts like a trigger for me now. And that's because I've been waiting or in a holding pattern since last December when my husband first entered the hospital. It was wait and see, wait and see for several months. And I'm now doing yet another wait and see. You'd think I'd gain some patience but no, just anxiety. Hate having everything up in the air. But you're right, or your MIL was, it has to be one thing at a time right now. 

That flower almost looks like Betty Boop lips blowing a kiss. Thanks for sharing it. 

     

[KayC]

Beautiful petunia, thank you for sharing, when we find them in odd places like that it seems a sign, that's how it is with me and pansies (our flower), I found one growing out of a sidewalk when I needed him most.

tnd, I couldn't agree more with what John said to you.

[Gail 8588]

21 hours ago, John9 said:

. . .  I also think that you are where you belong . . . . 

Tnd, 

I totally agree with John9,  you are where you need to be for right now. 

I am sure it's not perfect, you are having to get used to Francis's family and they are having to adjust to you.  But it is a sanctuary, a safe haven, until you are able to move on to your next chapter.  It is so much better than being at the mercy of your brother and SIL, as they have shown themselves to be without mercy.  

Hoping you are finding some rest and comfort. 

Gail