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Shirley24

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Shirley24

I have a lot of anger in me. I quit social media for the same reason. I barely hangout with anyone unless my close friends come over. I stopped going to parties and ive been isolating myself. 

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Danielle Masata

Niyasmom and Shirley, you have every reason to be angry.  SO ANGRY!!!!  You're having to cope with an accident, pure and simple.  I'm not sure I say the same.  In my case, I'm angry about not recognizing the level of risk that my son was choosing to take, and angry with the guys who sold him the poison.  I'm angry he had the addictive-tendancy DNA in him and that was already comprised with other challenges like anxiety, Asperger's and depression. I'm angry he didn't listen to us, but instead trusted the dealer, the guy he knew was only motivated by $$$.  I'm angry he didn't even listen to himself: I found a journal he wrote about wanting to make a change.  But that is nothing like your circumstances. 

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Niyasmom

I have never hated anyone until that monster took my daughter from me. I hate him for doing that to her and I hate him for putting me through this daily agony. I also hate his mom for not the way she handled and is handling things. I was always taught to love and never hate but now I am full of hate towards them. Maybe one day it will subside, but not today!!!
My daughter had so much life in her along with her coming so far in maturing…she had blossomed. At least I told her how proud of her I was for achieving her goals and she was shooting for sooo much more. I still can’t believe this. 

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Shirley24

Im angry at the world and myself for not being able to protect my beloved son. All the what ifs and if onlys still run through my head. I never imagined my life without him. Im so miserable and the old me went with him. 

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Danielle Masata

Niyasmom and NiquesMom, I just realized two very similar names and wondered if you are one and the same.  My apologies if I blended you into one!

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Danielle Masata

I'm not great with social media in general, and especially names of those I meet online, but am I right in thinking you both lost your daughter when she was about 13, and that it happened as a result a teenage neighbor? One difference is that Niques passed in 2017.  Again, my apologies that I am blending the two of you, but I do enjoy finding (emotional) connections, even when we are all anonymous.  

You should see how often I find "mysterious" connections after my son died, like the cologne he often wore is called "Eternity". Shortly after Patrick died, I went to the beach and heard a man singing (I've NEVER before heard a walker singing like that.)  The song he sang was, "Leave your burden to the Lord and leave them there".  It was so fitting!  Also at the beach was a HUGE white goose.  I've never seen this goose before.  It was almost as big as me, but there was someone right near this goose who explained that the animal was ill, so don't try to get its attention.  Even my dog stepped back and admired this feathery bird.  It so happens my son always called my dog, "Double Goose".  Was this my son sending us a message that he's near?

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Shirley24

Sounds like it. I still dream about my beloved son and in my dreams his always been happy and smiling so I dont know if his trying to tell that his ok or I shouldnt worry about him. I dont really know but I miss him so much. I cant be around other people cuz I have so much anger in me and I cant control what I say when something triggers me. So I decided to just isolate myself and only be around people who will understand me even when I cant control my emotions or what I say... it sucks to be alive living like this.  

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Niyasmom

No worries Danielle and a little similiar, but mine was by a close friend of the family. That has been happening to me too. Either I’ll be crying and one of my friends will call me after the phone hasn’t rang in quite some time. I kept seeing butterflies and one literally tried to get in the car with my husband while I was standing in the car door. Never saw that before and my daughter loves butterflies.

I miss her sooo much and today was a really bad day for me. I felt like I was hyper ventilating bc I was crying so much. I know they say time heals, but it seems as more time goes by it feels worse.

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Danielle Masata

I keep waiting for the "healing" to start too.  :)  I have a dear friend who wrote her condolences when she heard the news about my son.  She's one of eight siblings, but by now, four have died.  She told me how her sister recently died because she "never got over the death of her son".  I have not forgotten her kind letter.  Her message to me was inspiration to try to find a peaceful way to acknowledge my son's death, but also stay aware that I still have two other children and a husband.  They struggle too, despite not speaking so much about their pain.  But I know, without question, that they all want me to "heal" and not forever stay in mourning.

I am reading a very helpful book, Healing After Loss by Martha W. Hickman.  She lost her daughter after a horse accident when her daughter was 16 years old.  It's written as a journal, of sorts -- October 5th is next .  Every day, there's a new variation of the message and a quote.  I read it aloud to my dog as she slowly goes to sleep every night, and write something related.  It's the momma in me.  She hates sleeping in our mud room and she misses our son so much, so she's in mourning double-time, but my husband won't let her sleep with us.  I think my dog keeps most balanced of all.  She gets me to take her out for exercise and we volunteer in the hospital as a Pet Therapy team.  Those two activities help me to not isolate myself, or stay angry, which I worry I could do, but I also know never ever helps.  I hope you find ways that can make a difference too.

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Danielle Masata

Ooo Shirley, so sorry you're having a hard day. We're here for you.  Have you kept a journal?  I found that quite helpful.  I worried I'd forget so many details and stories and experiences that it helped to keep a record as best I could.  For Patrick's memorial, I had made a power point where I collected so many photos.  I have that, plus all the photos which I compiled into photo albums.  It really helped me to have that full display of photos, displayed as both sequential, and around special events like Halloween.  For me, made a nice differences to be able to go back to his earlier years when life was so less complicated, rather than just think about his last years when life got more and more challenging.  

I love how you wrote, in my dreams his always been happy and smiling.  What a beautiful feeling to have about your son and I hope you can find a photo that encapsulates that sentiment.  I have such a photo of Patrick: smiling, relaxed.  I don't get all sad and teary when I look at that photo because I see him smiling and happy and I'm grateful his buddy caught that moment when he was truly happy.

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Shirley24

its the opposite for me. When I look at his photos smiling or not I cant help but cry because I will never be able to see his smile ever again which breaks my heart over and over. the pain is worst than being stab. I cant control my emotions when it comes to him I hope someday I will. 

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Danielle Masata

Shirley, True, it breaks my heart to see a photo of my beautiful son smiling at the camera, but I also know that he was tormented the last few years of his life.  He wasn't always smiling.  In fact, many times, he'd be crying.  Just crying and crying.  I think he tried to hide the pain he felt by drinking or using drugs.  I never would have guessed his life would get so saddened and heavy.  

Think of it this way, your son had only gotten the best of the best, before life got complicated, his heart never gotten broken by some girl, or he didn't make the ??? team, or college, or didn't get the job he wanted.  Of course all those seem trivial, but they have devastated some.  Having only experienced happy times, he wants you to be happy too and that's why you dream of him smiling at you.  Tell him you hear that message and you miss him, and thank you for those kind loving thoughts. You'll try.

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Shirley24

I though of those too but its still breaks my heart. Thank you for always saying encouraging words. I appreciate it 

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Hope everyone is ok and got through the day. Yesterday was the 4 month mark and it still seems like yesterday, but I’m carrying along. Feels like all we can do at this point. I’m surviving for now and hope everyone gets a little rest. 

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good to hear from you again. I think about you from time to time. Im almost 6 months in. Been keeping myself super busy been doing things that I dont usually do to occupy my mind and my broken heart. I feel as though I will never stop crying until im gone. been getting through the day just like you said there isnt much choice at this point. 

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Awww, same here-I’m not going anywhere. My email and bank acct were hacked so I put the phone down. I’ve been working my butt off with O.T trying to take my mind off things too.

I read somewhere something so true…that we will not be the same and we will just learn to carry our grief. I’ve still cried every single day too and I hurt everyday. It’s not getting better either. Seems like a bad nightmare still. I know our babies are ok and no harm will come to them now.

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Shirley24

I havent been back to work since but will do after the holidays. It is going to be really tough without our babies for the holiday but we have to get through them like what we are doing now. Im for sure that I will never be the same person ever. The old me went with him. I so wish it was just a bad nightmare and your right nothing will ever harm there ever. 

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Danielle Masata

Although my adult son was so, so, so young at heart, I feel there is a nice bond among us on this thread, as if he too was in grade school or at most early high school.  For example, last year, his gift list included things like a laser beam light for his room and a lava lamp!  I dread how I'll cope this year.  Patrick absolutely loved the holidays and always added a little something extra in everyone's stocking.  I never asked him to do that and his younger brothers never copied that kindness. Who will do that this year? I have to get ready for that holiday, but not sure how.

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Shirley24

same here. I just know that itll be the worst holiday ever. Im not sure how we can prepare for it but Im just taking it day by day for now and when that time comes Ill just have to deal with the emotions as it happens 

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