A year ago today

[Courthw]

A year ago today, we laid my husband to rest. He passed away on June 17th of last year from renal failure. He had diabetes for ten years and had not been consistent with taking care of his health until I came along two and a half years before his death. We had known each other for twenty years and were best friends when we were teenagers. But he moved away and we went our separate ways, not really keeping in touch with each other along the way. We each got married, had kids, and ended up divorced. Then in 2017, we separately happened upon each other's Facebook right around the same time. I looked at all of his posts and saw that he grew up to be a wonderful father and a hard worker, not to mention very handsome. It was about three years after my divorce and I'd kind of given up on finding love again, but I couldn't help but wonder if I could have it with him. A few days later, out of the blue, he sent me a message asking me how I was doing and that he had been thinking about me. We reconnected and fell madly in love with each other and ended up getting married within the month. My son and I moved in with him and his kids and we had a fairy tale of a marriage for two and a half years. Not to say that there weren't hard times and issues that came up, but we were completely inseparable through it all, just like we had been as kids. His diabetes started to get better because I was constantly on him about being responsible and taking care of himself. Even so, his health started to decline early last year. He was terrified of doctors and hospitals, so he fought the idea of seeking help. I constantly begged him to go, but he seemed to believe that if he just ignored it, it would go away. Then one night at the beginning of June, he started slurring his words and was too weak to walk. I rushed him to the hospital where he was immediately admitted and I was shut out of it (because of Covid). Thirty minutes after I brought him, the hospital called and said that he was in renal failure and that they were inducing a coma and putting him on dialysis. For two weeks he was in the hospital on dialysis, half of that time in a coma. But he started to get better and the doctors were hopeful of a full recovery. They sent him home on June 16th and both of us were ecstatic to be together again. He would be facing challenges and going to the doctor at least three times a week, but we were just happy to hold each other again after so long apart. He came home and kissed/hugged all of our children and settled down to the life that he'd missed so much. He was himself again that night, silly and funny and loving. I literally told my mom that we were both in heaven on earth. But the next day he was groggy and slept constantly, barely waking up enough to eat. I assumed he was still recovering from the long hospital stay and let him rest. We were both lying in bed when I suddenly realized that the room had grown quiet and he was lying on his side completely still. I called to him and tried to shake him awake, more and more frantically by the second. I finally struggled to turn him over on his back and when I did, I saw that his face was blue. There was no heartbeat, no breath, no signs of life. I immediately called 911 as my world crashed down around me. I lived the next thirty minutes in a haze as eight firefighters and paramedics worked over the love of my life. They had asked me to go upstairs where I was standing watching, waiting, thinking this is not real, this can't be real life. Seven of the men were soon standing over him silently and only one was continuing chest compressions. Then all eight slowly made their way upstairs to tell me he was gone. I screamed and fell to the floor, but it was like I was outside of my body observing the tragic scene from afar. I kept saying wake up, wake up, and beating my chest as though hitting myself hard enough would knock me out of this nightmare. But I never did wake up, I'm still living it every day. It's terrible how life continues when your world crashes and burns around you. I felt then and I still do now that I'm just going through the motions. My life ended just like his did that day. I keep up appearances and work hard to take care of me and my son, but really I'm a shell of what I was a year ago. That happy night that he came home from the hospital feels like a million years ago and the beauty of a life lived with my best friend, my soulmate is like a distant dream. I haven't really faced my grief, not fully anyway,I just distract myself from it. If I don't think about it, I can't feel the absolute horror of not having him beside me for the rest of my life. I feel like time is my enemy now because it drags by while I sit waiting for a reprieve from this unimaginable pain. There future, once so ripe with opportunity and possibility, now looks so bleak and foreboding. I don't know how to make it all okay, I just want to be okay.

[Gail 8588]

Courthw,

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are still in.  I too was in a zombie state for a long time after my husband died. I was the walking dead, barely functioning. 

Keep trying, for both yourself and your son.  It can be a long process, but eventually you will feel connected to life and you will be glad you kept putting one foot in front of the other.  One day at a time is all you can do. 

I know you can't see it now, I couldn't either, but life will not always look this bleak. 

Gail

 

[KimK]

I'm so sorry. This breaks my heart. And so close to father's day too, which is incredibly hard. Sending you all the hugs and love and prayers possible from an internet stranger who lost the love of her life too (with 2 small kids). It isn't fair and it's too hard, but you can do "too hard" because you're already doing it. Time is our enemy now, but life will flip the script and it'll be our friend. Cling to your kids and believe there's something for you too. Hugs 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Courthw said:

he seemed to believe that if he just ignored it, it would go away.

I go through this response from my sister...very hard!

I am so sorry for your loss, my husband and I met in our mid-40s and we communicated well, our love and devotion very evident and he was a wonderful stepfather to my kids.  6 1/2 years after connecting, he suddenly died of a heart attack with diabetic complications.  Since then, I also was diagnosed and have gotten my diabetes under control.  We did what doctors/dietitians said but their advice was not enough to help, as I've since learned.  I can't help but wish "if only" as I know I could turn it around for him if I knew then what I know now.  Bittersweet.  We can't change the past though, nor can we kick ourselves for not having foreknowledge.  None of us have that benefit.

I am glad you found this place and want to welcome you here.  This group of "strangers" means more to me than I can express!  Here we pour out our innermost thoughts, feelings, experiences, fears, we share with each other from deep within, often feeling closer than we do to our own siblings, etc.  This is a caring place and we want to be here for you as you go through this journey, if you want us to.

11 hours ago, Courthw said:

But I never did wake up, I'm still living it every day. It's terrible how life continues when your world crashes and burns around you.

I remember thinking "How can the sun come up when George is not in it!  How do people go about their day as usual, don't they know the greatest man that ever lived has just died!"  Our lives change forever at that moment in time.  It was Father's Day 2005 when my life was shattered.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[tnd]

Courthw, I offer you my condolences and a very tight hug. So very sorry that you've lost your husband. I lost mine just 12 days ago. He had been in the hospital a long time with complications from Diabetes and similar to what you and your husband experienced, he had some good days and was able to come home very briefly before taking a turn and going back into the hospital. But he started to improve again. In fact, up until even a week or so before he died, we honestly thought he'd come. We talked about life and things we were going to do together. I promised him I'd cook his favorite meal when he got home. But it was not meant to be. Before he could come home, his heart stopped and he was ripped from me. Needless to say, Diabetes can be very cruel, even when the person is doing all the right things to stay healthy. Sounds like you loved and cared for your husband very much. He was lucky to have you as a wife and "care-partner" in his fight against Diabetes. When I married my husband I knew he had Diabetes. When we first got together I started learning all I could about it. I remember him being surprised by that and I remember him being very happy that we had met when we did. He had been diagnosed late in life after his first wife died and he didn't think anyone would be interested in a middle-aged diabetic. But I was and he told me he felt lucky that we were together. HE TOLD ME. I suspect your husband said the same thing. Well, I was lucky to have not cut myself short on having some happiness with him. I tell you all this because I am willing to bet that your husband felt lucky to have you. You may not be able to feel it right now but maybe some day you will be able to and actually feel glad that you did not cut yourself short on having some happiness with him. Hope you keep posting....we all have a lot to say and get out. 

[Courthw]

52 minutes ago, tnd said:

But I was and he told me he felt lucky that we were together. HE TOLD ME. I suspect your husband said the same thing. Well, I was lucky to have not cut myself short on having some happiness with him. I tell you all this because I am willing to bet that your husband felt lucky to have you.

You're exactly right, he used to tell me that all the time. His family told me at his funeral that I saved his life. But I felt like he saved mine; I was the one who felt lucky to have someone love me so completely. I miss that more than I can express, the unconditional, unabashed adoration that we both had for each other. It's hard to believe that I'll never have that again.

[Sparky1]

Courthw, my condolences for the loss of your husband. Life is so unpredictable, especially when we are happy with our partner, and all of a sudden things get turned inside out. The loss of my wife has devastated me and I try my best just to grind out living.

We are here for you, and hopefully you can find some comfort in us relating our experiences, as we all have the same thing in common, the loss of the most important person in our lives.