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Lost my older brother


Messi

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I lost my older brother yesterday morning. Its been such a bitter pill to swallow especially after learning of how he passed. He woke up to use the bathroom, got back into bed and left this world. I'm shattered. My parents are shattered, my younger siblings are broken. I'm now the oldest sibling. It's so hard.

I don't know how to pray for grace or how to ask for guidance. The task is so heavy. I just want my brother back

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Dear Messi,

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences to you and your family. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. For now, don't be hard on yourself and just take it moment by moment and day by day. Please know we are with you.

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Annabelloola

This might be a bit long, thank you if you take the time to read it.

I’m 15 years old. 7 months ago years of neglect and emotional abuse from my mother and everything blew up. My mother was still drunk from the night before and was screaming at me, calling me b*tch, dirty cow and evil wench, every name you could think of. She wouldn’t let me go to school and sent me to clean my room. She’s always obsessed with making me clean until late at night, I don’t know why. I had a school issue laptop from lockdown and logged into Instagram via google. I messaged my dad and thank god he saw my messages. I felt very unsafe and he sent the police and told me he was coming to get me. I packed up a few of my things and locked my bedroom door. The police arrived and took me to my school, a little while later my dad picked me up from the safeguarding lead’s office, and I’ve been living with him and his wife’s family since. 
I have a brother. He’s my only sibling and his name is Cameron. He is and always will be three years older than me and he will always be my whole world. Our parents split and later divorced when I was around 4 years old, and we were in our mothers custody. She hid her problems from us pretty well, but no matter the cause the effect always effected us. She stayed asleep most of the day and out of hate for our dad she tried to stop him from seeing us. We had irregular contact with him. For the most part I was practically raised by my brother, who was autistic but loved me enough to try and keep his attention on whole Barbie movies for me. He’d let me use the computer he fixed to play dress up games and “La La Loopsie Land”. He would play dolls with me and even helped me paint my nails, and let me paint his. I love him so much, and we were inseparable. Due to our age difference, though, I the way our mother behaved was my normal, and my brother’s too, but since he was older he started recognising that it was strange. He began getting into arguments with our mother after he was expelled from highschool aged 11 (this is Britain), because of a misunderstanding involving no support for him given his issues with his autism and his resent for the label ‘autistic’. He slipped through the system and ended up out of school for two years. 
I think he was battling constantly with wanting his education but not wanting to go to a specialised school and be ‘lumped in’ with more disabled students. He didn’t hate disabled people, he just hated that he was infantilised for his autism and treated the same as everyone else when he was very bright and not severely autistic. The specialist schools in our are were very bad aswell. In 2016 his depression became very bad and he attempted suicide more times than I can remember, and we were up until 6 am in A&E (British ER) a lot. I don’t know if he really wanted to die, though. He always made sure there were people around him during these attempts. He was just in a lot of emotional pain. One time our mother mistook the glass of bleach he had poured for her lime juice and drank a bit accidentally. She was fine but it was scary. He attempted overdoses mostly. He became manic and he cut himself in front of my mother trying to communicate what she was doing to him but not knowing the words to express it because whenever we told her anything that didn’t fit in her fantasy land in her head she shut down and blocked it out. 
These times really scared me and upset me because I didn’t know what was happening to him, and he was my best friend and the person I was closest to on earth. When we were younger he kept trying to run away with me. He stole money and food and packed it up and told me we’d get a bus to anywhere but there. I stalled every time because I didn’t want to go and I knew he wouldn’t leave without me. Whenever he upset me it wasn’t on purpose, he’d hug me and apologise and he removed me from his war with our mother as much as he could to protect me. When our mother had enough of this she put him in care. The care was absolute sh*t. They mistreated him aswell and he acted up. By the time he was 16 he’d finished highschool and a specialist residential school he hated in the country. By the time he was 17 he’d asked to be moved to a placement in the city. We saw him regularly and i worried for him constantly but he always gave me the best long hugs and assured me he was okay when he wasn’t. He moved to the city and things went downhill, he got involved with drugs. Gangs stole his possessions so many times and he became addicted to substances he didn’t want me to know about. He was given a knife and got arrested for it. He was sentenced to community service but he was terrible with post (mail) and he didn’t get a lot of the letters the court sent, so that was added stress. He was always so sweet with me and it was never obvious he was addicted to anything apart from his appearance, he got really skinny and unwell since he’d spend all his food money on drugs. He’d ask our mother for more money and like a fool she trusted him to use it for food so she gave it to him. He didn’t use it for food. All this time I was dealing with our mothers constant abuse alone, but by this time Cameron didn’t want contact with our dad because he hadn’t been there, but I saw our dad every other weekend and knew he had tried his hardest to see Cameron but had been met with a brick wall and was starting to give up. No one could help my brother and when he turned 18 he could buy alcohol freely, and he got drunk a lot. He passed out in the street once and was woken up by someone stealing his phone, he got in a fight with them and his hand got badly injured and then infected and he wouldn’t go to the doctors. All the while around me he was still his old amazing self but he was losing it fast. H lost his placement at the house he stayed at since he was 18 and classified as an adult who could take care of himself, and social services stopped caring about him. Nowhere else would take him because of his addiction. Then, on Christmas Eve 2020 in the middle of the night there was a phone call. The next morning my father came into my room with a face that was serious and scary. He told me Cameron had been found, passed away in the night. We had his funeral ages later and i picked the music. I can’t even tell you how alone I feel and how much I miss him. Not only was he my brother; he was my parent, my soulmate and my best friend. I miss his hugs. I wish I’d been old enough to help him and I blame myself. My dad feels guilty too, my mother thinks she’s the one who knew him best, she blames everything on my dad and believes she’s the only one grieving Cameron’s loss. No one in my dads house talks about my brother. His 19th birthday was on the 20th of may and it hurt so much. Every single day is so painful without him and I know he was hurting and I tried to help but he was beyond help. He couldn’t see his future and had no dreams. 
I talk with my therapist every Tuesday but nothing can ease the grief. I want him back. I have no one. My mother had me at 44 so my parents are older, and when they’re gone I’ll have even less. I just want my brother. I would give up everything if I could just have him back.
 

sorry, thank you for reading this far. I hope my story helps you if you’re going through anything similar.  

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