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Lost my child/bestfriend to an accident


Shirley24

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Shirley24

Its only been a little over a month since I lost my only son to a car accident, he was only 11. I blame myself for everything. He should still be alive if I had been more careful and made sure he had his seat belt on before we drove off. The guilt is killing me inside. I wanted to die with him. My body is alive but Im practically dead on the inside. If it wasnt for my two older daughters and grandson I probably would have given up already. His dad has helped me a great deal but lately his been distant and I dont know how to handle it. I feel so alone..... 

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RobbinG

Oh my dear ...my heart aches for all who's hearts have been shattered. My beautiful daughter 38 yrs old, was killed in a auto accident this past march. The pain is excruciating at times. God bless us

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Shirley24

I feel so alone and hopeless. I miss my son/bestfriend. We did everything together and now I feel like I have no one. 

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Danielle Masata

Dear Shirley, I have been following your story today.  Oh what heart ache!  I am so sorry.  I grieve right by your side.  Sending you cyber hugs.

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Shirley24

Thank you! His my greatest love and also my greatesr pain. I feel so alone and lost without him. 

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Michael Rodriguez

shirlley , if we are here is because we are all going thru the worst pain any human being can handle(if living as we do means handling it). i lost my son on april 14.....he was also my best friend and my co worker. i started my company in 1989 and except for 2 trips to disneyworld back in the 90's when both. nikki and brian were small kids , i have not had a break since .....everything i built, and over the last few years with brian's help, was intended for him. all the new expansions that were his ideas, i have to deal with them now. i will be 60 in september and i was going to start enjoying life....im back to square one and missing the person i have loved the most in my life....even his sister knows that brian was my special kid.

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Shirley24

its hard to live when in the past 11 yrs the person I was living for is no longer with me. Ive lost my dad, mom, and nephew but this one hits the hardest and the most excrutiating pain Im feeling. 

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Michael Rodriguez

it is so very true....how to cope everyday with our lives when your mind and your heart are so focus on that person that was your whole existence....who you lived for

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Danielle Masata

Shirley and Michael,  I used to have a nickname for myself when I was growing up: Patty-play-pal. I swore I'd name my first child Patrick or Patricia and I did.  I never called Patrick anything but Patrick, but he knew the origin of his name and how much it meant to me.  He was our first son and I was a thoroughly dedicated mom.  It is therefore so heartbreaking to say how hard this has been for me.  The human cycle doesn't exist when a  33 dies before he has children of his own!  

Of course it's hard for my husband too, but I don't think he quite understands the depth of my love and pain.  On St Patrick's Day, I decked us all in green and had so many special books even though we're Italian, not Irish.  The added hurt is that his death was totally unexpected.  It wasn't medical or an accident or suicidal.  He wasn't addicted either.  The bullies who sold him these drugs convinced him to take this combination of drugs and alcohol that killed him.  That's what He did best: followed the "advice" of others and during all the extensive restrictions due to Covid and losing his job, and feeling so blue, he was searching for something.  And sadly, he would have known how lethal it was if he hadn't trusted these devils.  He was a brilliant guy who loved knowing all the drugs fancy names, terms, and actual content.  He knew how much he could tolerate.  But what he didn't know was that the street drug that came over from China which the dealer was selling had a much higher, more powerful affect than the Xanax it replaced.  (Produced this way to increase its addictive trait without increasing its cost.  Plus, since it's so "new" it doesn't register as being illegal).

Shirley,  I can't imagine the anguish you must be feeling.  My heart breaks for you.  

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Shirley24

Danielle, I appreciate you sharing. Your son must have been really smart and loving just like mine. His name is Loujin but we called him Jin. He got into the STEM program when he started middle school last year. He had a passion for gaming, tech, and was curious to almost about everything. A simple yes or no answer wouldnt do, he would ask for explanation. He was beyond smart for his age. My heart is broken into pieces and world has stopped losing him. He didnt even get to finish 6th grade. He had his whole life ahead of him. Im so angry at the world, myself, and lost my faith in anything. 

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Michael Rodriguez

good morning, shirley please do not lose your faith....i have never been an "extreme" catholic but right now having faith that heaven is there and that brian is there , gives me a small, tiny sliver of hope that things will eventually get better. 

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Danielle Masata

Shirley, I totally understand your anger... your anger at the world and all aspects of everyday life.  Please feel free to express your thoughts and experiences and concerns and worries and know we have no judgements.  That process of sharing and writing and reflecting is very helpful. (At least it was to me and I suspect to you as well.)

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Shirley24

I was raised a Catholic and had a atrong belief in god. Even though I didnt go to church often, I prayed at times and my only prayer was to always keep my family safe specially my kids and to keep my alive long enough to care for them. I used to also believe in good karma but all of that is gone now. All I ever wanted was to provide and care for them so I worked hard to give them a good life cuz I didnt want them go to through want a went through. Ive experienced a lot of hardships eversince I can remember but when I had kids none of the hardships mattered as long as they were healthy, happy, and safe. It so unfair that Ive to experience so much grief and I been strong for my kids but how can I be strong now when the one person that kept me strong is also taken from me. 

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Michael Rodriguez

shirley , it is the same with me......your words are exactly the same as mine. i had forgotten how to cry......i now cry several times a day , everyday at every hour. i stare at the sky , and at my surroundings begging from some kind of sign.....whatever sign that he might send me 

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Shirley24

I crie and ache everyday since. I talk to him and I ask him all the time to come take me so we can be together again.

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Danielle Masata

Shirley, I believe there is a reason why God spared you.  You have purpose to be here on earth, with us.  Your relationship with your son has changed, that's true, but it's still very much here.  I have no doubt your son is listening and hears you.  You are not alone as we are here right with you.

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Shirley24

Danielle, I used to believe that everyone has a purpose. He was my purpose and I feel like my life is meaningless now that his gone 

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Danielle Masata

I understand.  My oldest is no longer here on this earth and what brings me here.  I feel lost without him.  Life is different.  I am still finding my way but I know it is a process to find it.

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Danielle Masata

No, life doesn't seem fair.  especially at certain times.  It's much, much worse if I start comparing ... or when I look at social media.  That's really when if feels awful.  I went to a memorial service of a acquaintance of mine who had colon cancer.  Before I went, I read her obituary and started to feel envious of all her accomplishments: all her grandchildren, and their successes.  Then I stopped myself horribly: I'm envious of a woman who just died of colon cancer.  What is wrong with me?!   I took a deep, deep breathe and tried to find something someone might be envious of me.  (having children was a start.  I know some people who tried unsuccessfully to have kids...).  Having more than one.... having a girl and a boy... True i don't have grandchildren, but I hope that will be in the future.  And if it's not?  Well then, I'll have to find another dream-goal.  

And yes, I've had my set of challenges.  My dear son who died was challenged every day of his life.  He was a premie and filled with anxieties as a youngster.  Those turned into being bullied mercilessly, even assaulted when he went to camp and the following year at another camp, and even assaulted as a grown-up. But then I stop myself and think of all of his wonderfulness (BTW: he never felt the torment of being bullied nearly as much as I felt it) and that's when I try to remind myself that yes, life isn't fair but it's also a balance.  He may not have been mentally healthy but he was physically healthy.  He wasn't in a wheelchair.  I didn't need to bathe him or feed him or translate for him as I might have if he had CP like my cousin or deaf like my neighbor. I read somewhere that God only asks sacrifices like some I've described to those who can handle it. My dear aunt certainly was a saint to help her son through all these years and years of pain and sorrow and sacrifice as she cared for my intensely disabled cousin.  And that's maybe where I am today.  There is a reason for me to share with you my own story to help show you that life isn't always fair, but for the most part it is balanced.  And sometimes I just need to remind of all the goodness I'ver been given when all it feels is darkness. 

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Shirley24

I truly appreciate you sharing and you are so right about comparing because thats all ive done ever since. Im envious of the people around me because most of them have at least one parent or both. I envy my friends with their kids and they were my son's friend. I envy everyone who was able to back to their normal life and I wasn't. I still have a lot of hate and anger in me and I certainly do not wish to any of the people I know to go through what Ive gone through but why does it have to happen to me. I used to always see a positive side on everything. I was once a happy go lucky person and was always looking at the cup half full given the circumstances but that person went with my son. I used to just laugh and smile even if things are tough so long as I had my kids I can go through anything but its different now. He was my youngest and only boy (mamas boy). My heart is broken into thousand pieces. 

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Shirley24

He was my travel buddy, my baker, my cook, my helper, and everything more. We still had a lot of plans traveling and trying all types of food as he was such a food crituque. I miss him every min. hour, day. 

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Danielle Masata

Reminder to write down your cherished memories Shirley!  Writing stories and collecting photos and recordings of specific anecdotes have really helped me through this.  Save them especially so they don't get deleted due to expiration dates and time.

And in response to your post: I know that feeling Shirley.  My husband would often tell me the statistics that women outlive men, so I assumed Patrick would be my forever partner and advisor after my husband passed.  My husband is now grieving right alongside me.  We vie for who will be the one who will "go first" as we both have medical issues.

How are your daughters doing with your son's passing?  Are they young too?  I had been so focused on my own grief that I didn't realize just how challenging it has been for my other kids.  In some respects, it's been much harder, maybe because I've been very open or maybe because my other mom friends know the pain of loss although no one I know has actually lost a child.  That is why I am here on this site. 

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Shirley24

I have a stand with some of his stuff on display along with his urn. As far as writing, I dont think im ready. Just thinking about writing a letter to him because his no longer here is so painful already. 

My two girls are adults and they seem to be doing fine. theyve been able to go back to work but I have not. It was always me and him since his sisters are now living an adult life. We did everything together. I also joined for the same reason. 

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Danielle Masata

Sorry if I have not written here.  Thought of you often, but not close to my computer.  I hope you are able to go back to work soon. Maybe part time?  It helped me a great deal to stay busy, so I have continued tutoring.  The families haven't been able to pay me due to the fact that they lost their jobs or hours were cut (cleaning ladies or nurses aide or Uber driver), but their children really needed my help and I loved and needed the distraction.

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Shirley24

No need to apologize. Ive been numb last couple of days so for the first time yesterday did not cry. I have not been able to drive since the accident due to trauma and im scared to even try. Appreciate you checking in. Have a good day. 

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Danielle Masata

I hope you have been working with a therapist, or will be, to help you with the trauma you experience about driving.  Completely understandable, but somehow it will eventually be important to get back to driving.  There aren't many places to live in this country where you don't need to drive.

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Shirley24

yes, I am seeing a therapist and your right eventually I will need to find the courage to start driving again. The accident is still very fresh even just being a passenger gives me anxiety. 

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Danielle Masata

Shirley, I have thought of you often and hope you are okay.  We're here if you want to share.  I miss reading your posts.

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Shirley24

Hi Danielle, just living day by day with this excrutiating pain that will never go away. With time, I know I will learn how to live with it but I will never be able to go back to my old self again as that person went with my son. Ive been able to do stuff around the house since its where I spend all of my time if not going to the stores. Thanks for thinking about me. Hope all is well. 

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