Husband, daughter, father and mother gone

[Annie3339]

Its been 5 years since the love of my life died.  He passed away in a horrible way, Glioblastoma brain cancer.  I tried everything possible in the 9 months after diagnosis to save him. I promised him he would be at home in the end. I failed.

He died in a hospital in horrible pain and I had to watch him leave me over the next 12 days while his body shut down.  Ten days later, my dad collapsed from a massive stroke, he had announced at my husbands funeral that he was next...I don't know how he knew... same doctors, same ward at the same hospital.  It was all too much and I was not there when he took his last breathe.

Eleven months later, my beautiful, vibrant 32 year daughter called me.  She had Stage IV Metastatic Melanoma.  They gave her 2 months to live.  She made it 8 months.  I watched her take her first breathe and then I watched her take her last.  She left behind 5 children under the age of 10. 

Right before she passed away, my mother had to go into a memory care facility for dementia.  She is now in Stage 6 of 7 and can barely talk, has no sense of reality and hardly knows who I am.

Since my daughter passed away in December of 2017, her husband re-married.  His new wife has shut me out.  I had to mourn the lost relationships I would have had with the children and accept I can only see them occasionally.  This last loss has taken me over the edge.  

I have seen counselors, therapists, gone to grief groups, paid for mediums, quit my job, moved twice, became an artist, travelled a lot, started meditating, kept journals, written a book, started a blog and more.  Nothing has taken away my grief.

Its been 5 years and 3 months since my husbands death, but the trauma started 6 years and a month ago. I NEVER thought I would still feel this bad for this long. I have had waves where I have hope.  Hope that life will get better, that I will get back to the level of joy I once had.  

Today I have no hope. The tears and snot flow endlessly.  I feel so alone. No one sees me.  No one hears me. I feel angry at myself that I am not stronger.  I'm so tired.  I feel like I can't take another breath.  When does it end.  My hope is gone in this moment and I feel like I want to die.  The pain I carry is endless and some days, like today, I think about death all the time.

I used to be apart of a big family. Now I will spend the 4th of July alone.  I have tried dating, meeting new friends...nothing sticks.  I yearn for my previous life, my husband, my love and light, my daughter, her beautiful smile and laughter.  I miss my grandchildren.  They are growing up and I'm missing it.  I only live 5 minutes away yet I can't see them without an appointment.

Why am I still here?  I am in that space between life here and life there. This black void is like a living hell.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I am so sad.  I am broken.

[luckystarhongkong]

what you go through is so heartbreaking.Never underestimate how cruel life can be. It is so unfair. You have tried your best and please don't be angry with yourself. My thoughts go to you...

 

[jmmosley53]

Annie339,

What a horrible series of losses you have experienced.  It is no wonder your are in so much pain.  My heart breaks for you.  

I do not know if you are a person of faith but, saying prayers asking for heavenly help to cope might help.  If you believe in a GOD, you must believe that GOD can do anything.  Including easing your pain.

You know that your loved ones would not want you to suffer like you are.  Give yourself permission to have moments of joy then string those moments into days.  I believe GOD can ease the pain, let your loved ones be in GOD's hands.  And stop snatching them back.  It is too much to bare when you do that.

I wish you peace.

[foreverhis]

Hi Annie3339.  (As an FYI, I'm Annie too.)

Those who know me will tell how odd this is for me to say, but I hardly know what to say right now.  You've borne so many painful and devastating losses that it seems incomprehensible.  It is nowhere near enough to tell you how very sorry I am and how much my heart hurts for you.

I too lost my father to a series of strokes over 5 days.  It was shocking and painful, especially for my generally stoic mother.  I will never forget how sweet my husband was as he left the room so I could talk to my dad alone one last time.  I have no idea if he heard me, but I hope so.

My mom died of pancreatic cancer 11 years ago.  My husband and I had already been kind of caretakers for my parents because we lived close by and my two siblings didn't.  Plus I had been the family's designated "fixer" and "peacemaker" since I was about 13. 

And of course, I lost the love of my life to metastatic bladder cancer almost 3 years ago.  I dread the anniversary this year just as much as the first.  It doesn't help that one of our two wedding anniversaries is next week, then my birthday a few weeks later and his 2 weeks after that.  (Two anniversaries because we got married privately in November, but had the big ceremony with our minister and our small circle of friends and family in June.)

I tell you these things not to ask for sympathy from you.  Not at all.  But to let you know that I have an inkling of how hard your life has been these past years.  Though I have been able to start moving forward in small steps, I know I will always grieve for my husband.  There are days I still can't believe he is gone from me.  I will miss him every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  I suspect there will also always be days when I feel like I'm just going through the motions of living.  I don't think there's any way around that.

It's super late here, but I didn't want to sign off tonight before I welcomed you to a really comforting place to be.  The members here really helped me through days when I didn't care whether I lived or died.  I hope you find comfort here too.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Annie3339 said:

I promised him he would be at home in the end. I failed.

You didn't fail, life did.  We cannot stop what comes our way, I was praying for George when he died.  I can no longer ask "Why?!" as I asked for a year and got no answer...there is no answer I would likely understand and agree with anyway, so just as well.

I am so sorry for your losses, I too have lost everyone but my siblings, but have even lost one of them and am now tending to my disabled sister with dementia.  It's rough.  Today marks 16 years George has been gone (Father's Day 2005), I'm always alone on it, no one remembers but me.  It's weird how alone this journey is, it really helps having this place to come to where others get it and understand.  

16 hours ago, Annie3339 said:

Why am I still here? 

It took me years to process my grief, years more to find purpose (being here for all of you and the grief support group I started (closed since Covid).  It took years more to build a life I could live (all of our friends promptly disappeared) and Covid set me back to square one with that...slowly starting to rebuild again.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[foreverhis]

Hi again Annie3339.  I just want to add that I am appalled with the behavior of your daughter's husband.  More specifically that he is allowing his new wife to deprive you of time and love with your grandchildren.  What the heck is wrong with him?  He should stand up for you and for what's right.  Surely he and she must realize that it is making your life harder and more painful.

I wish I had some nice words to say to help, but the truth is that there simply aren't any.  But please don't give up.  Come here and rant, scream, vent anything and everything to people who understand in ways no one else can.  Just getting it out has proven helpful for me over time.  You are not alone.  Truly, you are not.

[Gail 8588]

Annie, 

I am so terribly sorry for all you are going through.  It sounds like you have tried all the right things to move forward.  It is especially hurtful that your grandchildren's parents are limiting your contact with your grandchildren. Hopefully as they get a little older you will have more opportunity to connect with them, phone, social media. I know it's not the same as physical contact, but it keeps the connection. 

I am so sorry.  

Gail

[tnd]

32 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Hopefully as they get a little older you will have more opportunity to connect with them, phone, social media. I know it's not the same as physical contact, but it keeps the connection. 

I agree with what you said. Hopefully those grandchildren won't end up resenting their father and stepmother for limiting their time with their mother's mom (grandmother). With the exception of their father, the grandmother (in this case, Annie3339) could be relied on best to tell their mother's story and answer questions they may have later on. To keep them from that I think would be unhealthy and very unwise. My older brother was selfish and was never a good father to his children. He simply wasn't around for them. Once she became a teenager his oldest daughter asked me if I could tell her about her dad. I said "Sure. What would you like to know?" She said "Everything!". So I know whether the parent has been a good one or not, children still want to know "their story". They want to know about their beginnings and they want to know if their parents were the same way when they were young. 

[tnd]

On 6/18/2021 at 8:27 PM, Annie3339 said:

Why am I still here?  I am in that space between life here and life there. This black void is like a living hell.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I am so sad.  I am broken.

Annie3339: I am so very sorry for the pain you've endured. It is truly heartbreaking when we lose a loved one. For me, the worst was losing my husband just 11 days ago. Your post gives me some insight into the future. By the way, my husband's first wife died of Glioblastoma. There is no surviving it. She had two brain surgeries that gave her a little more time but they knew the prognosis was not good. You didn't fail your husband. I understand a little of how you feel, tho and why. I, too told my husband he'd come home. I wanted to offer him some hope and sound positive so he could rest and think of something good to look forward to. Some days we honestly thought he would come home but no, it was not meant to be. I bargained with God to let him come home but no, it was not in "the plan". And I say that because my husband believed in God and always told me that God has a plan for all of us. I keep trying to remember that, trying and trying to keep that in mind. It is so hard! And like you, I feel like I've lost my purpose. Wondering why I am still here on this earth. Surely "the plan" doesn't include for me to suffer the pain and torment I am going through. So why? Well I don't know why we wake up each day but I'm just taking it one day at a time. Sorry I have no better words for you. Perhaps as we trudge along things might get better. I think our pain will always remain but hope to "overwhelm the pain" with some sort of good at some point. 

[Annie3339]

Thank you everyone for the positive advice. I love all the suggestions and am taking things one day at a time. When I feel overwhelmed I just stop and breathe. I don’t feel so alone. 

[Sparky1]

Annie3339, all I can say is wow. You've been through a very, very rough time with your losses. I offer you my sympathies, although its hard to imagine your pain.

On 6/18/2021 at 9:27 PM, Annie3339 said:

Why am I still here?  I am in that space between life here and life there. This black void is like a living hell.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I am so sad.  I am broken.

These are feelings that I go through almost every day, so I can relate a little with you. Life flows on like an unstoppable river, and it feels like we aren't part of that river. The loneliness and emptiness always eat at my insides, and it doesn't seem to end.

[foreverhis]

On 6/18/2021 at 6:27 PM, Annie3339 said:

I tried everything possible in the 9 months after diagnosis to save him. I promised him he would be at home in the end. I failed.

Oh, I know how that feels all too well.  We had 15 months total and for the first 10, we had hope.  His diagnostic surgery was tough, but he came through it; the PET/CT showed no spread; the specialist at Stanford was fantastic; the oncologist she referred us to down here was good.  Chemo went reasonably well and shrank the tumors.  It was a very quiet, but loving holiday and new year.  After his first major surgery, things changed.  By the end of June he had been going between home, the hospital, and rehab for nearly 4 months.  He was 10 years older than me and I had always promised him, long before his cancer, that he would always be with me. 

And so I finally looked at him in the hospital, where he had been fighting too long and hard for me, and asked him, "Love, do you want to go home?"  We both knew what that meant.  He said he did.  I started the process of arranging home hospice and called everyone who needed to know.  That was Friday.  Overnight Sunday, they moved us into a large private room in our small hospital.  (I stayed with him at the hospital many, many nights.)  As they were moving us, I looked at one of his night nurses and asked, "He's not coming home, is he?"  She was trying to hold back tears and just shook her head.

Though I was exhausted, having not had a full night's sleep in months, and though I did sleep for a couple of hours, all I could think was that I had failed him in every possible way.  The room was beautiful and quiet.  It had floor to ceiling windows that looked out on his favorite little courtyard.  All the nurses and CNAs loved him and most asked to come in to say goodbye.  They had taken care of us both.  He was no longer in pain because we'd started palliative care days earlier.  In my mind, none of that mattered because I hadn't saved him and he wasn't home. 

It's taken me a long time to accept that I did everything I could to keep my promise, but sometimes we just can't.  I've always been super good at assigning blame to myself for just about anything that goes wrong.  Yet I know I didn't cause his cancer and I didn't cause his death. 

The thing is that we are the ones left here.  In looking for reasons and someone to blame, we so often look in the mirror and point the finger right at ourselves.  Sure, there were things I could have done better and choices that might have made a difference, but I no longer take the entire burden of guilt on my shoulders because I am an imperfect human being with a loving heart.  I am not omnipotent and I am not prescient.  It's taken me a long time to come even this far, where I no longer blame myself for things I could not control. 

Please, I urge you to remember that you tried your best for the love of your life and for the others you have lost.  If you could have saved them, you would have.  What would you say to a friend in your place?  I suspect you would be kind and understanding and remind them that they did the best they could.  If you can, please say that to yourself as well.

((HUGS))

[Gail 8588]

Foreverhis, 

Beautifully said. Truer words have never been spoken/written. 

I think most surviving spouses have to deal with feelings of guilt. Working your way through that issue is one of the most difficult parts of processing grief.

Thanks for so tenderly sharing your story.

Gail

[Annie3339]

@foreverhis thank you for sharing.  I did experience all that, with my husband then my daughter. It is hard to process.  I think I have gotten past the guilt more so than just the overall sadness of life without them.  I struggle with the way my life is now vs before. I can't forget them, I can't run away from the memories therefore I can't get away from the pain. Its a cycle I work on everyday. Hugs to you too.

[KayC]

Annie, my heart goes out to you.  There are many good articles/videos on grief/guilt, but it's the living with loss part on an everyday basis that haunts us regardless of our individual situations.  You will find your way, it just takes much time and more effort than we care to expend.    I'm so glad we all have each other to go through it with.

[KimK]

That was so brave of you to share and especially having so many losses. It's hard to fathom how deep and wide your sorrow must be, and you're bravely plunging through, taking it a day at a time. My husband died suddenly 3 months ago and we have 2 little children, so my situation is different. I have my hands full and zero time. Someone had suggested to me that I might look into giving back or getting involved in a charity to honor my husband's memory when I get myself up on a plane, and I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but wondering if you have ever felt up to something like that? You have so much love to give and I have to agree with the other commenter that said your grandkids WILL come to you when they're old enough, looking for stories and connection with their mom. Waiting is the hard part. My daughter is 8 and feels so alone right now. I searched for grief groups for kids and there's really almost nothing. But I did find that hospice puts on a short weekend grief "camp" for kids that have lost someone, and I'm going to sign her up for that. There are kids everywhere that are hurting, from losing a parent to cancer or accidents or them leaving or going to jail. Kids don't ask for that. I just thought maybe you're at a point where you could find a group like hospice or boys and girls club or something. I hope this doesn't sound pushy. Truly, I don't have a dog in the fight. Know that I'm a stranger, but we're connected in grief, and I care about you. If we lived in the same area, I'd offer you a big hug and cup of coffee. <3

[Annie3339]

@KimK

Thank you for your suggestions.  I have tried giving back.  I volunteered at Endbraincancer.org for a year and again at Swedish Hospital. But without credentials, the work was unfulfilling.  I was not allowed to interact with people due to liability. I reached out to be a big sister but I live to far out in the country for their services to reach me.   I became too depressed after these attempts and am approaching giving back differently now.  I wrote a book Embracing Life From Death and published on Amazon.  I know that it has helped some people as they have reached out to me.  I'm getting ready to publish another book, a memoir and I hope it helps.  I try to help others with my art as well.  I'm hoping with Covid slowly exiting, new doors will open to share my grief and help other people but you're correct in that waiting is the hardest part.  I reached out to my son in law yesterday to "make an appointment" to see the kids. Its my youngest granddaughters birthday on Friday.  He has not responded.  This part breaks my heart and I'm trying to be strong for them, even though they don't know it. My life is a twisty road and I just get tired of navigating it alone.  Thank you again for the encouragement and ideas to find reasons to live.  All the encouraging posts really do help me.

@KayC Thank you for your lengthy post with all the suggestions.  I really appreciate you taking the time to help me and I am sorting through them.

[KayC]

I have a son I have always been close to but the last 1 1/2 years or so he has pulled way back and I feel more alone than ever.  I drove the six hour round trip to my granddaughter's birthday and he never even talked to me.  Trying to bring things up to him does no good, he's "always busy."  Maybe it's just where he's at in this stage of life, I try not to personalize, but I also know he has no clue what it's like to grow old alone.  I tried to be there for my mom in her 32 years of widowhood.  I understand her more now than I did before George passed...doing my best.  I understand your being tired of navigating it alone.  Your book's title sounds very interesting!

[Jemiga70]

It's heartbreaking hearing about the family troubles some of you are dealing with. I never realized that family could be so toxic. You think there'd be a bond there, an understanding, love despite conflict. Reading your stories of selfish/toxic family members infuriates me. I'm just lucky that no one in my family has distanced themselves or turned on me.

I'm so sorry some of you are dealing with this when you should not have to, especially at this time. Prayers to you.