Loss Of My Husband

[crish1973]

Just 9 months ago,I lost my fiance from Sepis infection that came on very quickly. No one knew he had it til it was too late. He was the love of my life, Everyday I struggle to get out of bed, keep a Job , jump from one job to the next , I letting my bills slide which I  never do! it has hit me really hard. Everybody tells me I need to go to grief support group but theres not one around where I live.I wish i can snap out of this fix I am in. Really needs some help and how to handle this.

[Tammy Wilson]

I lost my husband who was also my best friend 5 months ago. It was sudden and completely unexpected I have so many things I didn't get to say. We were together 12 years. My depression is so bad and I'm so lonely. I haven't returned to work yet I struggle just to get out of bed.  This heartache and loneliness is unbearable.

[jmmosley53]

Hello Crish1973,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I hate to tell you but the 'snap out of it' is really hard to do.  

Most people experience waves of grief.  Like, some days you are okay, then some thing will trigger depression and tears.  It is not uncommon to get foggy brained about things like bills, house hold chores,.

Be patient with yourself, focus on small tasks like getting out of bed, or fixing dinner.  It is very important that you take care of yourself, so you do not get sick along with your terrible sadness.

If you have a trusted friend or family member ask them for help if for some reason you are required to make any BIG decisions. You might be too foggy to think things through by yourself.

My advice is to take the time you need to process your loss. Grief is hard.  People usually don't get 'OVER IT'. instead they learn to cope.  Take baby steps and allow your self to grieve the man you loved then lost.  He is worth a few tears now and then.

When you notice that you are getting lethargic - come to this site and rage, vent, chat.  We understand, we are going through the same painful sort of experiences as you are.

Be well, be patient with yourself.  It is okay to feel what you feel, it is normal.  

[crish1973]

13 hours ago, Tammy Wilson said:

I lost my husband who was also my best friend 5 months ago. It was sudden and completely unexpected I have so many things I didn't get to say. We were together 12 years. My depression is so bad and I'm so lonely. I haven't returned to work yet I struggle just to get out of bed.  This heartache and loneliness is unbearable.

I was the same way Tammy , I had so many things planned for us and wanted to say but couldn't. Just last night I woke up crying bad, and praying to God. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, crish1973 said:

Just 9 months ago,I lost my fiance from Sepis infection that came on very quickly. No one knew he had it til it was too late. He was the love of my life, Everyday I struggle to get out of bed, keep a Job , jump from one job to the next , I letting my bills slide which I  never do! it has hit me really hard. Everybody tells me I need to go to grief support group but theres not one around where I live.I wish i can snap out of this fix I am in. Really needs some help and how to handle this.

I am so sorry for your loss...I know those words sound trite, but believe me when I say I understand as I remember it like it was yesterday.  Today marks 16 years since he died on Father's Day 2005.  I wish there were some magic way through the pain but know of know way but to go straight through it.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

14 hours ago, Tammy Wilson said:

I lost my husband who was also my best friend 5 months ago. It was sudden and completely unexpected I have so many things I didn't get to say. We were together 12 years. My depression is so bad and I'm so lonely. I haven't returned to work yet I struggle just to get out of bed.  This heartache and loneliness is unbearable.

Tammy, I welcome you as well and also want to give you my article with the hopes you will save it to read now and then, as this is an ever-evolving journey.  I want you to know that the pain lessens some into something we can carry, eventually.
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Chelmer]

I don’t know what I’m doing. My fit, strong husband died 3 months ago. He was up a scaffold working and had a non survivable brain haemorrhage. He was still breathing all night and I stayed in the bed with him until he died. Lots of friends, busy all the time but where is he?? He’s all I want, I can’t believe he’s gone. Just go out and then cry when I get home. Someone I know lost their husband 18 months ago and says it doesn’t get better. How can this carry on?

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Chelmer; I am so very sorry for your loss. You are still very early along in the grief process, so your experience is not surprising. But yes, it is ever so painful. My husband died almost 9 months ago, and I am here to tell you that although the grief never goes away, we do learn how to manage it better. Right now your emotions are so raw that it does seem like you will not survive it. That's exactly how I felt too, but by taking it one day, or even one hour, at a time, I am here and slowly learning how to cope with all the loss - loss of my husband, loss of our future together, loss of all the things we never got to do. Please come to this site often as we are all going through the same thing, just at different stages. This forum is a safe and supportive place to vent and to learn some strategies to deal with your loss. (((Hugs)))

[crish1973]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss...I know those words sound trite, but believe me when I say I understand as I remember it like it was yesterday.  Today marks 16 years since he died on Father's Day 2005.  I wish there were some magic way through the pain but know of know way but to go straight through it.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Tammy, I welcome you as well and also want to give you my article with the hopes you will save it to read now and then, as this is an ever-evolving journey.  I want you to know that the pain lessens some into something we can carry, eventually.
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Kay C , Thank You soooo much for those encouraging words, I printed this out and put it on my fridge. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Chelmer said:

I don’t know what I’m doing. My fit, strong husband died 3 months ago. He was up a scaffold working and had a non survivable brain haemorrhage. He was still breathing all night and I stayed in the bed with him until he died. Lots of friends, busy all the time but where is he?? He’s all I want, I can’t believe he’s gone. Just go out and then cry when I get home. Someone I know lost their husband 18 months ago and says it doesn’t get better. How can this carry on?

I am so sorry for your loss as well.  I am glad you found us though, it saved me to find a group like this after my George died.  I also want you to have this to save as this is an ever evolving journey.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Weary]

I lost my husband of 48 yrs 7 weeks ago..most days I cry..not feeling motivated. I know this is very early for me..but reading these post is very depressing. People that have been widowed for 3,5,10 yrs are still struggling with daily tasks, finding a purpose in life..that is so scary & hopeless for me..can someone share some hope..I am a believer..I know my husband is in heaven..we will see each other again, but it doesn't take away the grieving process..are their other believers out there..or am I on the wrong site?

[Sparky1]

Weary, my condolences on the loss of your husband. From what I've read on this forum, there are believers here and I also am a believer. We have to go by faith and that is my utmost hope, that one day I will be reunited with my wife where  over there will only be joy and happiness. No more heartache, sorrow, tears, or pain.

[Gail 8588]

7 hours ago, Weary said:

I lost my husband of 48 yrs 7 weeks ago..

Weary,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am glad your faith is strong and that it brings you comfort.  Hold fast to that faith, you will need all the support you can find.

The people on this site are a mixed bag of believers and non-believers, people who have lost faith, and people who are searching.  What we have in common, our broken hearts and shattered lives, provides the source of our empathy.  From what I have seen, everyone is very encouraging to each other no matter their faith status.   

You are very early in this grief journey we are all on, that none of us chose to take.  We understand how life shattering it is to lose your soulmate, our lives have been shattered too.  

I was married for 38 years to the man who made me complete. It was incomprehensible how I could go on living without him.  I imagine you are also still struggling with 'How can this be?' 

We understand the reality of his death, but still struggle with how can he be gone and I am still here.  It doesn't make sense.  At least it was that way for me. 

In time your brain will resolve that paradox and you begin the task of finding a way to live without him.  I hope you have family and friends you can lean on.  Turn to your church family for support.

Come here to vent as you feel the need. I encourage you to read the threads here, as it does provide comfort to know you are not alone on this journey. I think you will see some reasons for hope in the comments here. 

Welcome to our community, we are all very sorry you have reason to join us.

Gail

[annie123]

Dear Weary,

I am sorry for your loss.  I too am a believer, it doesn't help with the loneliness and heartache I feel.  I lost my husband a little over 8 months ago, my faith does bring me some comfort but, I still miss him everyday.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Weary said:

I lost my husband of 48 yrs 7 weeks ago..most days I cry..not feeling motivated. I know this is very early for me..but reading these post is very depressing. People that have been widowed for 3,5,10 yrs are still struggling with daily tasks, finding a purpose in life..that is so scary & hopeless for me..can someone share some hope..I am a believer..I know my husband is in heaven..we will see each other again, but it doesn't take away the grieving process..are their other believers out there..or am I on the wrong site?

Yes, I am a believer, and it makes ALL the difference in the world, having that hope of what lies ahead for us!  Not to mention that He is here for us as we are going through this.  I didn't feel it in the first years because my grief was so thick it obliterated everything, but I proceeded on faith and got through it.

I am not here so much for myself as I want to be here for others going through early grief, that and helping others with diabetes ARE my purpose in life!  Having my puppy dog is my incentive to keep going.  It is so important to build hope into our lives.

This is not a short and simple process, it takes many years to process our grief, more yet to find purpose, and it took even more yet to build a life I could live.  Then Covid came and knocked it all down.  But I knew I did it once and could again, so am in that rebuilding process.  Life still sends us knock downs that we have to deal with...growing old alone is a whole new ballgame.  My aging sister depending upon me for everything is very hard right now, I'm dealing with her doctors, nurses, caseworker, social workers, the care center she's stuck in that is not helping her, and am fighting to get her return to her home of nearly 50 years...she was married 50 years and recently lost her husband.  So much going on!  Even though I got through the loss of my husband years ago, life continues throwing it darts and I'm going through these things without the presence of my husband in my life, that can bring up his loss afresh, all the more so since his birthday was a week ago and anniversary of his death (always hard) was 6/19 which was also Father's Day the year it happened.  Going through this alone without even a phone call from family...well, it's tough.  But that does not mean I have made no progression over the years, rather that new things come along and hit us and now we go through these things totally alone, without the aid of our husband by our sides to talk things over with or be a comfort to us.  I am reminded of the story of the little boy saying his nightly prayers and his mom telling him that God is always with him...to which the little boy cried out, "But I want God with skin on!"  Sometimes we humans are like that too.

I am very sorry for you loss, it is still very early in your journey and you will undoubtedly go through a lot of ups and downs as you adjust, keep in mind that this is a process and we may not be perfect at it, but we continue to try and that is the main thing...the best piece of advice I got was to take one day at a time, and also to look for joy in every day, no matter how small. 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Suzanne Cooke]

On 6/18/2021 at 4:29 PM, crish1973 said:

Just 9 months ago,I lost my fiance from Sepis infection that came on very quickly.

Oh - I am SO so sorry for your loss.  My husband also died of sepsis.   SO very fast.  Not even time to deal with him being sick, then death slammed in.  You will always love him, miss him, but it gets softer somehow.  You cry still, but you begin to remember the sweet times.  The longing never goes away.  I wish I could hug you right now.

[ranger72]

On 6/21/2021 at 5:26 PM, Weary said:

I lost my husband of 48 yrs 7 weeks ago..most days I cry..not feeling motivated. I know this is very early for me..but reading these post is very depressing. People that have been widowed for 3,5,10 yrs are still struggling with daily tasks, finding a purpose in life..that is so scary & hopeless for me..can someone share some hope..I am a believer..I know my husband is in heaven..we will see each other again, but it doesn't take away the grieving process..are their other believers out there..or am I on the wrong site?

Weary, I feel the exact same way you do. My husband died almost 6 weeks ago. I don't want to be "stuck" in this place, this hell for very long. My husband was a soldier and he would tell me to embrace the suck and move forward. Right now, just functioning is all I can do. BUT I refuse to be stuck for long. I am 48 years old...we had such plans for life. He would want me to do those things, take the trips, live my life. If i keep going to bed right after dinner for long, I think he might haunt me. So I think, next week, next week I will stay up and read a book or watch TV, not sleep. I may be in a very slow moving wheel, but it is still moving forward. I have hope - you should too. Big hugs! 

[Suzanne Cooke]

This is a good place, full of folks on the same journey.  Say anything you want to - no judgement.  Some days I'm holding it together really well - other days not so much and then there are the days I'm screaming from the bottom of the dark well.  So far, there has always been someone here who has been there before and knows the way out.

Remember to get up, get dressed, eat.  (even if you throw up - have soup, cereal, cookies).  Know that you won't melt if you don't take a shower and wash your hair.  Get a pet - even if its just a fish or a plant.  That's something else that needs your care - a reason to get out of bed.  Be aware that friends may make themselves scarce.  Don't shop on-line - its too easy to spend money you haven't got.  Brush your teeth.  Post when you feel good - reach out to someone else.  Post when you are feeling awful and can't stand another second, someone here will catch you.  Hugging you!

[tnd]

On 6/18/2021 at 4:29 PM, crish1973 said:

Just 9 months ago,I lost my fiance from Sepis infection that came on very quickly.

criish1973, I am so very very sorry for your loss! No doubt it hurts pretty bad right now. Everyone here knows what you are going through but we each have our own pain. I just lost my husband too. And now I have to hurry up and move because I can't afford to live on my own. I am 57. You mentioned you work but are jumping from one job to the other and letting your bills slide. Because I have a rare disease I can't work or if I did, I don't think I could be relied on. If you work I'd say that is going to be a positive in your life that might help get you through this. I know everyone grieves in their own way and time but when you are up to it, start looking at your life and see if there is anything, anything at all that can be considered a "positive" and build on that. No matter how big or small it is. Use it as a "positive" to hang on to for now. That's what I'm trying to do. I don't want to but have to move in with my brother and his family. But even tho I don't want to do that, I am grateful to have their help and not be on the streets. So I look at it like a positive. Another example is that each day I can get my butt out of bed and make myself a meal, even if it's just in the microwave, I look at that as a positive, too. So I'm down but not out! I'm sorry you don't have a grief support group where you live. The nice thing about this site is that it is open for business 24/7. And you are amongst others who are grieving but trying to survive. They are survivors! I hope to be one, too. Hey, another positive! There is HELP ON HERE! So please don't go it alone. You don't have to. Come here and we'll listen and help if we can. 

[KayC]

@ranger72  I love your positive spirit and hope you are able to focus (reading/tv) as it was nigh impossible for me that first year...I paced, I was anxious.  Three years later I went on anxiety meds (Buspirone/Buspar, the safest one I found), and later on a low dose sleeping pill as it was hard to function on 3-4 hours/night.  I could not turn my brain off.  I was 52 when my husband died, he was barely 51, his birthday banner still up, it was very unexpected.  Yes, all of our plans...

15 hours ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

This is a good place, full of folks on the same journey.  Say anything you want to - no judgement.  Some days I'm holding it together really well - other days not so much and then there are the days I'm screaming from the bottom of the dark well.  So far, there has always been someone here who has been there before and knows the way out.

Remember to get up, get dressed, eat.  (even if you throw up - have soup, cereal, cookies).  Know that you won't melt if you don't take a shower and wash your hair.  Get a pet - even if its just a fish or a plant.  That's something else that needs your care - a reason to get out of bed.  Be aware that friends may make themselves scarce.  Don't shop on-line - its too easy to spend money you haven't got.  Brush your teeth.  Post when you feel good - reach out to someone else.  Post when you are feeling awful and can't stand another second, someone here will catch you.  Hugging you!

Very good advice!  A grief support group can help with the void that the absentee friends leave, we had none in our rural community but I started one years later.  It really helps to know others that get it and understand, maybe even someone just to go have lunch with.

14 hours ago, tnd said:

They are survivors! I hope to be one, too.

You are one.  Maybe not long into your journey yet but surviving is what you are doing and with your positive outlook and attitude, I've no doubt you will.  Love you!

[Hewasmysunshine]

My loss is so recent, Last night, June 26, 2021. My husband of 38 yrs. held on for 42 days, after having a heart attack, heart surgery, a stroke, and a brain bleed. He was in the hospital for 30 days, and a nursing home for 12. He was rushed back to the hospital, I was en route when I got the call he had passed away. I am floundering so bad right now.

[Gail 8588]

Hewasmysunshine,

I am so sorry for your loss. 

I hope you have friends or family that will care for you during these terrible first days. 

Rest. This is a terrible shock.  I am so sorry. 

Gail