Not Sure I Can Compose Myself

[tnd]

Only been 10 days since I lost my husband. I cry every day and nite. Ever since telling our maintenance man here at the apartment that my husband was in the hospital, he and a neighbor have kindly taken out the garbage for me. Even tho I have portable oxygen, it was hard for me so they've been taking care of it. All I've had to do was leave it outside the front door for them. I want to try taking it out myself pretty soon but don't know if I can or if I'm physically ready. Meanwhile, I feel I should tell them about my husband's passing. I want to thank them for their help and let them know my husband appreciated it too. But just as I think I will I get all teary-eyed and start losing it. I don't want to be like that when I need to tell them or to talk to people. I was able to notify my apartment manager about my husband and about my moving later this summer but that was obviously very different - it was via email. Does there come a time when I will be able to compose myself long enough to tell people face-to-face without breaking down? 

[Perro J]

Yes, there will come a time when you can explain it without being overcome by grief. I can't say there is a set time that needs to pass. It can be different for different people. I will venture that nobody reaches that point in only 10 days. I am very sorry for your loss.

Tomorrow morning I will be attending the funeral of the wife of my best friend from childhood. She is my age. Cancer took her as it did my loved one 11 months ago. I say this because it does bring back my own grief. It is an event that stirs up some emotions I had hoped were settled. Please don't expect a linear, continuous improvement. Grief is a series of waves. One day it will hurt less and you will be able to manage it much better than you are now. I have made progress in my 11 months - but I am doubtful the sadness ever completely goes away.

I wish you solace.

[tnd]

I am sorry too for your loss and the grief that pursued. I expect I will always feel this heartache and cry. But I am hoping to at least somehow hold it in long enough to tell people for the first time. I am trying to not think about breaking down in front of people. I remember after my mom died I went to a dental appoint about three weeks later. I got into the dental chair and the hygienist started in and all of a sudden I started crying. It was the first time I had left the apartment since her death. They had to go get the dentist to help calm me down. I don't want to be like that again, a mess. Guess it is very early in but I don't know that this grief will let up. It eventually did over the loss of my mom but my husband was a very different kind of close love. I feel split in half, life half of me is literally gone. I hope you continue making progress and keep sharing it here.  

[tnd]

4 hours ago, Perro J said:

Tomorrow morning I will be attending the funeral of the wife of my best friend from childhood. She is my age. Cancer took her as it did my loved one 11 months ago. I say this because it does bring back my own grief

I meant to grab this for a quote earlier. Sorry, I'm not typing (or thinking) too well these days, Perro J. 

[jmmosley53]

Hello TND,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  

Telling people about such a horrible loss is supposed to be painful.  Your loss was a terrible thing and after only 10 days I am surprised that you can function at all.

It is normal to have those sudden waves a sadness and loss.  Do not be embarrassed to cry in public. People around you may become a little uncomfortable because they don't know how to help.  Tell them what you need.  Right now you brain is so unfocused.  Even when your are not thinking about your husband, your subconscious is struggling to process what has happened. 

You must be patient with yourself.  Ask for help.  The people around you are saying 'if there is anything I can do' so tell them what they can do and keep your focus on your own well being.  Allow yourself to have what ever emotions come to you.  Your grief needs to work its self through.

Be sure to eat, and sleep.  Talk to your doctor if you think you need short term medicine for sleep or depression.  But most of all take care of YOU.  

I wish you peace.

[tnd]

10 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

You must be patient with yourself.  Ask for help.  The people around you are saying 'if there is anything I can do' so tell them what they can do and keep your focus on your own well being.  Allow yourself to have what ever emotions come to you.  Your grief needs to work its self through.

jmmosley53:  Thank you for your kind words. I think your suggestions are right and important. Thing is, we didn't have friends/family here so other than the maintenance man and neighbor taking the garbage out for me, I'm alone. I'm sure they will offer to help me with other things or if I ask but I don't want to stand there and sob because I do not really know them. 

I am trying to look to the future with some sort of positive light and that's hard to do right now. l will be moving in with my brother and his family, so I've got them to be thankful for. But they can't come move me until later this summer. Because of my health, I move very slowly and I'm on oxygen. But I am able to do some things. Just very slowly...I do something then have to sit down and rest. Get back up and do a little something and have to sit back down and rest. I've got to go through stuff to decide what to pack, what to donate and what to throw out. And I'm not necessarily talking about my husbands things. I've got to go through the whole apartment looking at everything. We don't have much but there is "stuff". And I've to clean. Fortunately my brother is paying for movers to pack and any other expenses because I now have no income. Not even SS Survivors Benefits. A surviving spouse has to be 60, otherwise 50+ and disabled. I am only 57 and have not (yet) applied for Disability. So I am going to have to start that process but not until I get moved. I have a lot of piddly business type stuff to take care of. Right now all I've done is basically cry and grieve and come on here. But I've got so so much to do. Keeping busy distracts me from the grief but only briefly. If I could I'd probably lay around grieving for months or longer but I haven't time for that other than setting it aside in "blocks of time". No, I didn't make a schedule for myself to sit and cry but I am at least trying to eat/sleep as I normally did. It is very hard to do. Gawd I hate this. And  the one thing I want and need right now I can't have.  

[KayC]

21 hours ago, tnd said:

All I've had to do was leave it outside the front door for them.

My sister's neighbor has been taking hers out for her too, she is very disabled so just puts in on the front porch.  Another neighbor has been picking up her mail for her as it's two blocks away and she can't drive or walk it.  A friend and I have been giving her rides everywhere.  Now I'm tending her as she not only has six broken ribs but dementia besides, dealing with everyone has been overwhelming but there is no one else to do it.  I am so glad you have support around you.  I hope that is true when you get your new place as well!

If/when you feel ready to talk is very individual, you will know when that is.

10 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

Ask for help.

YES!  So important!

21 hours ago, Perro J said:

Tomorrow morning I will be attending the funeral of the wife of my best friend from childhood.

Wow, praying for you today, that is hard.

[foreverhis]

On 6/18/2021 at 1:50 PM, tnd said:

Meanwhile, I feel I should tell them about my husband's passing. I want to thank them for their help and let them know my husband appreciated it too. But just as I think I will I get all teary-eyed and start losing it. I don't want to be like that when I need to tell them or to talk to people.

Aside from our small family-friends circle and legal necessity, I didn't tell anyone for 2 weeks after John died.  I didn't even tell our neighbor friends.  I simply avoided seeing or speaking to anyone unless I absolutely had to.  It wasn't just that I knew I'd break down or that I wouldn't and people would think I was weird that way, it was that I simply could not talk about it.

Finally, I decided that I needed to tell a few people, so I started with the neighbors we knew best, especially John's male friend.  He was obviously surprised when I told him it had been 2 weeks ago.  The neighborhood was used to not seeing him or us for extended times when he'd been in the hospital and rehab, so it hadn't really been a consideration.  It was hard and I was kind of tongue-tied, but we hugged and that helped.  I didn't break down much in front of him, but then I have always had a hard time crying in front of people.  But oh boy, the times he was in the hospital, I was little miss waterworks and had to leave the room so John wouldn't see me breaking down every 30 minutes.

Here's what I think is the bottom line:  If you break down sobbing and can't compose yourself, so what?  You are grieving the love of your life.  If your grief upsets someone or makes them uncomfortable, again, so what?  If you cry, you cry; if you don't, then that's okay too.  It really is all about you and your needs right now.

Please, I urge you not to constantly try to "put on the brave face."  I did that for far too long and it was detrimental to my mental health.  While I don't go blobbing my pain all over total strangers or even casual friends, I no longer feel like I have to keep it together all the time around people who love me/us.

I'm sending you all the comfort and care in the world to help you with these difficult tasks. ((HUGS))

[tnd]

26 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I'm sending you all the comfort and care in the world to help you with these difficult tasks. ((HUGS))

Thank you, foreverhis. I am going to keep everything you said in mind. I don't know why I'm afraid of falling apart in front of people. That's partly why I don't attend funerals. I had attended so many that I just couldn't do it anymore. I never knew how I'd react at a funeral...I have laughed out loud, sobbed very loudly and once almost started getting up to go over and lift the top off the coffin to make sure it was really my friend in there. Another time I couldn't control myself and said something inappropriate out loud during the burial because it was raining hard and the gravesite was very muddy. I didn't like the thought of my friend being put into a muddy hole. I have experienced a lot of death in my time. I've lost friends and family members to murder, suicide, accidents and illness. And now my husband. This is the worst. And I don't want to have "the worst" breakdown in front of people. I suppose tho that at some point I am just going to have to toughen up and tell people. At least I'm moving and people here probably won't ever see me again.   

[Gail 8588]

 

 

On 6/18/2021 at 4:50 PM, tnd said:

. . . Meanwhile, I feel I should tell them about my husband's passing. I want to thank them for their help and let them know my husband appreciated it too. . . 

TND, 

Perhaps it would help you to write out a thank you note and have it in your pocket.  Then when you speak with them, if you are able to say what you want without falling apart, you can just leave the note in your pocket.  If you fall to pieces after a few words, you can tell them you were afraid this might happen so you wrote out what you wanted to say, and hand them the note. 

The written notes may be enough of a safety net for you to be able to get through telling them the news and thanking them for their kindness. 

Just a thought. 

 

Regarding sorting through what belongings you will take to your brother's home and what you will leave behind.  When I was doing this there were several charities that would come to my home to pick up donations of all kinds.  Clothing, furniture, rugs, kitchen stuff, knickknacks and decor.  It had to be clearly sorted. I ended up saying Everything in these 3 rooms you can take, in the other rooms only pieces of furniture that I couldn't move, marked with a piece of paper marked. DONATION were to be taken.  I was present when they picked up, but it was good to have things clearly marked as they had several workers in different rooms, and I knew I couldn't be everywhere at once.

It did work well for me. 

My thoughts are with you.

Hugs

Gail 

[tnd]

14 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

The written notes may be enough of a safety net for you to be able to get through telling them the news and thanking them for their kindness. 

Excellent idea, Gail 8588.  I remember last December before Christmas and just before he entered the hospital, my husband was ill and struggling to take out the garbage. The neighbor saw him and took it for him. We left a Christmas card on his door thanking him for his help. He's the same one helping me with the garbage now, only he doesn't yet know that my husband has passed. He and his wife are the neighbors my husband and I talked about becoming friends with when he came home from the hospital. Too bad that didn't happen and now I'm moving away. But the fact that the neighbor man has been so kind and generous with his help, especially while having a wife and young grandson to tend to is very nice of him. I think I have some thank you cards stashed in my card box. Something I'm going to consider. 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

I don't know why I'm afraid of falling apart in front of people.

If you ever figure that one out, please tell me.  I have always figured that for me it was in part the stoic attitudes my parents instilled in us.  And of course the whole, "Don't cry to me, young lady" thing they did.  But maybe it's also that a woman crying for any reason is usually seen as weak, overly emotional, so we keep it inside and force it back.

I don't know.  I bet it would be easier in many ways if I could just let it out the way our daughter does.

Gail's suggestion is excellent.  It would allow you to express your gratitude without additional worry/stress.

[tnd]

43 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

If you ever figure that one out, please tell me.  I have always figured that for me it was in part the stoic attitudes my parents instilled in us.  And of course the whole, "Don't cry to me, young lady" thing they did.  But maybe it's also that a woman crying for any reason is usually seen as weak, overly emotional, so we keep it inside and force it back.

foreverhis: You might be on to something with that "stoic" thing being instilled in us by our parents. I wasn't allowed to throw tantrums or to cry or be fussy or even tattle-tail on other kids. Especially in public. And yes, at the workplace definitely had to always be strong or you'd be eaten alive or fear you wouldn't be promoted or given an assignment you wanted. 

[KayC]

On 6/19/2021 at 4:36 PM, foreverhis said:

It really is all about you and your needs right now.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly!

[Sparky1]

tnd, I am very sorry for your loss. All of us here can relate as we've all lost our partners. You're the boss of your grieving, don't let people tell you how to grieve and don't feel ashamed. It is normal and in my case I don't care what other people think. Only I know how my heart feels when I think of my wife and I break down.

[tnd]

16 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

Only I know how my heart feels when I think of my wife and I break down.

Sparky1: Thank you for your kind words. Break downs...awful and hurts, don't they? I was somewhat busy most of the day but after I ate dinner I sat there and sure enough, the tears started flowing again. We used to enjoy dinnertime together. We rarely went out. That was our choice. I cooked special meals for him using renal recipes (he had diabetes and was on dialysis).  I thoroughly enjoyed cooking for him because it made him happy. I swear that was my purpose in life; making him happy. It's all I wanted to do because when he was happy, I was happy. Dinner time for us was one of our "happy times of the day". Now I just nuke a frozen dinner for myself. That's what I had been doing all these months that he was in the hospital. But during his last days we talked on the phone about how I was going to cook one of his favorite meals for him when he came home. Never got the chance. I've been alone all these months while he was hospitalized but the hope of him coming home and talking to him kept me going. I'd like to think it kept him going too. Then in minutes, he was taken and gone from me. Now I sit here alone missing him and in pain. Seems so lonely and defeating. But what was I suppose to do? Not have gotten my hopes up? Boy, that sure would have been negative. The whole time he was in the hospital I tried to at least sound positive whenever we spoke. He didn't need to know how hard it was for me to be dealing with my own illness and alone. I'm sure he thought about me and felt bad. He would start to say he was sorry and I'd tell him that I was doing fine. And I even told him that he would get better and that he needed to believe that he would and heal so he could hurry up and come home. And he didn't need to know about the ugly voice mails his sister was leaving me either. Nothing negative, I kept it all positive so it would help him heal. Like I said, now I'm still alone, missing him and it feels so defeating. Of course I know that we can't always have what we want but darn it, nothing else mattered to me quite like how he did.  

[jwahlquist]

TND,

Please don’t worry about composing yourself for the outside world.  I was so worried about that right after my husband died too.  My doctor gave me the best piece of advice.  She said “Go ahead and cry whenever you need to”.  I told her I didn’t want to in public lest people look and judge.   Her reply was “ Let them look.  You are grieving, F@&$ them”.  I spent months shopping with tears randomly rolling down my cheeks.  My standard response to any checker or cashier asking how I was doing was……”I’m alive and that’s all I’ve got for now”.  
It does get easier but it took medication and time for me to be able to be composed again.  
 

((HUGS))

[tnd]

For the first time in many months and since the passing of my husband earlier just this month, I left the confines of the apartment today. Had to go to the Post Office. Called a cab and grabbed my portable oxygen and my walker on wheels. Surprisingly it was not hard emotionally but did prove to be hard physically. But I don't think it was because of my grief. I had been so afraid that I'd break down in-front of people and sob but that's not what happened. There was a long line and a man in front of me had a very cute Chihuahua. That was exactly the kind of dog my husband had wanted to adopt from the shelter. We had talked a great deal about it and figured after he came home from the hospital then we would go adopt one. Well, I couldn't resist noticing this little Chihuahua at the PO. Since other people were commenting to it's owner and asking him questions and he seemed happy to oblige (show off his little companion), I decided to join in. Told him about how my husband had wanted one. I didn't tell him that my husband had passed but rather, said that maybe in the future I will adopt a Chi in his "honor". Right now I have two cats and being alone I don't think I should adopt/rescue any more. So emotionally I did okay, didn't break down, didn't cry. But then...once I stepped back outside into the heat, I started heaving. Was so embarrassing! I was dripping wet with sweat and gagging. The poor cab driver asked if I was okay or if I needed to go to the hospital but fortunately, it wasn't that bad off. I think it was the heat that got to me. Now that I think about it I wonder if it would've been better to have cried in-front of people than to have heaved. I don't think I will worry too much about crying now. 

[KayC]

I remember breaking down in front of strangers a year after he died, I was riding the shuttle from my car repair place back to work and realized George had ridden in the same shuttle.  I also broke down in the grocery store a couple of months or so in, seeing items he would have loved.  I broke down in my office more than once.  It's just a hard thing, people have to understand.

[tnd]

Today was a miserable day. I had to take care of some personal business over the phone and lost it. I had realized that my husband's employer probably did not know that my husband had passed so called the company HR first. He worked remotely so their office is in another state. But they liked him and he had said that for the most part they treated him well. That was good. But I'm sure they don't miss him as much as I am. They knew he was in the hospital but no, they did not know he had passed. The manager was very kind but it was so hard to tell her. I started to cry of course and it was hard just to get any words out. Then I had a couple more calls to make, more crying. And I also started to feel angry. I was angry for having to notify people that my husband was ripped from my life. More tears. And I still have not told the maintenance man or neighbor. I thought about doing the thank-you cards but for some reason, can't get myself to do it. The day left me feeling wiped out. Guess this is what they mean by grief waves. One minute or day I think I can keep it under control. The next I am having a meltdown or crying non-stop. Today I actually started heaving over it. Felt sick. Tired of having to tell people. Tired already of having to deal with things on my own and I am REALLY tired of being alone without him. I've been sad before but this is truly very painful and so unreal. Like, how could this have happened? I don't like riding these waves. My husband and I both use to say "boring is good". A day without chaos or a crisis is good. I need a boring day to come along soon because if I can't have my husband, I at least want to have peace and quiet. "Boring would be good".    

[KayC]

There was a triple rainbow amidst a tremendous T-storm when George died, my sister sent me pictures (she didn't get all three in).  I made one of them into a card which I used for the thank yous. I don't recall what I wrote in them, I think I still have one but can't go through that stuff, it's too emotional.  Maybe I pre-printed the cards.  I do remember a year later looking through the guest book (from his funeral) and the list of things people did for me that I thanked...I didn't remember most of it, I was in a fog...

[tnd]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

There was a triple rainbow amidst a tremendous T-storm when George died, my sister sent me pictures

KayC:  Thank you for putting up such a beautiful picture. And at a time when I need a little rainbow myself. If I was standing there and knew your George, I'd think it was him giving you that rainbow...giving you a sign that he is at peace and wants to share it for you to have. I grew up mainly in the PNW near Seattle. I miss it's beauty. I miss the ocean. But I have no family or friends there anymore, nothing to go back to. But I look at pictures online and daydream about it. This picture, "high above the chimney tops" makes me think of Israel Kamakawiwo 'ol's  AKA "IZ" version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow. I use to have his CD but it went missing. I am going to have to get it again because it is so full of life, happiness and meaning. Just a very spiritual CD and kind of fun. Thank you again for the picture.   

[KayC]

This was taken at my sister's house at the time, in the Portland Metro area.  I live in the mountains above Oakridge OR.  I wish she could have got all three rainbows in her picture but one was very faint.  To have that while thunder was going on was amazing!  He did make quite an exit/entrance into heaven!

[foreverhis]

Hi Kay.  A bit OT, but...I didn't realize you are outside of Oakridge.  I have family in and outside of Eugene.  My parents took us camping every year and part of that often included Crater Lake, up to Bend, and a good 10 days in and around Willamette and Deschutes NF.  It's beautiful.

[KayC]

It is.  I went to Crater Lake with George a couple of times, I haven't been back since.  One of the clearest lakes in the world!  So incredibly beautiful.  He bought me some huckleberry hand cream there and I haven't wanted to use it because I don't want to use it up. We got a Christmas ornament there too and I put it up for him every year.

I grew up in Eugene, my family was pioneers there, my gr-grandfather had 100 acres in the Santa Clara (suburb of Eugene) area, also my gr-grandfather founded Veneta, just outside of Eugene, it's named after my grandmother's little sister, Fern Ridge Lake and school are named after my grandmother, and Hunter road for her dad.  But I moved to this area 44 years ago and love it, never want to move!  It's a wonderful community to raise kids, up here no one locks their houses, leaves keys in their cars!  (not down in Oakridge though, tweakers have moved in as they have everywhere).