Loss of an ex

[CVS]

This is my first time ever writing a post like this. On Wednesday I found out my ex boyfriend had passed away. He died on Tuesday. I am still not sure what happened. We were together back in 2016 for about two years.. on and off. We ended things on an ok note and moved on. I am now in a relationship and I don't think he was in one. I had not spoken to him in a couple of years. I saw him around town a couple of times, and often thought about him. I never reached out to him out of respect for my current boyfriend. His passing has me feeling all sort of things. I might not get any replies but that is ok because I just need to let out my grief even if it is through here. My mom and brother have said they are here for me. My current bf doesn't understand why I would be sad over an ex so I just don't bring it up to him, or anyone. I am not sure what I am feeling. I don't love him or miss him in an intimate way but his death hurts. This is a bit of our story. I had two kids when I met him. I was not on good terms with the father of my kids and he kind of stepped in. He was good to them and my girls loved him. He was so sweet and nice. He had a good healthy relationship with my them. They don't remember him now. In the end it didn't work out and we went our separate ways. Now that he has passed, a lot of memories come back. He once said if we made it past the new year that year, that I should expect a ring. That scared me because I wasn't there and I started distancing myself. He also said once after our breakup that he didn't see himself having children with anyone but me because I was a good mom. Maybe that changed in the recent years, I don't know. I dreamed of him last night. I have cried these last couple of days. I saw his obituary and lost it. He was only 28 years old. I don't know why I feel such huge heartbreak. He was a big part of my life at one point. I got back with my kids father so my ex was the only guy ever to be around my kids in a fatherly way. They never called him dad but they loved him. I loved him. I feel sad all the time. I want to just cry. But I feel like I shouldn't because I was not a part of his life anymore. I don't know how to move past this pain. All I do is think about him. I see his face everywhere. All our memories together are present in my head. I smile for my family, and I am there for them but at the same time I am not there. I am with my ex and his memories. I wished him the best. I wished him happiness. Never this. 

[alukowsky]

I just read your post and it motivated me to join this support group and discussion.  Like you, I recently learned that an old boyfriend whom I hadn't seen in years had died of cancer last October.  Not having seen or spoken to him in so long, the obituary that I came across by chance was a shock.  I still picture him the way I last saw him: this tall, strapping, good-looking man in his prime.  I still hear his voice in my head, can't paint a wall or tack up a piece of trim without evaluating my work through his eyes, and still feel as though I'm likely to run into him at the local home improvement store.  I too realized early in the relationship that we were not right for each other, but after we gave up trying to have a romance, we became great friends.  He looked out for me while I was a broke graduate student, found me a horse to ride for free, and became kind of an honorary "best girlfriend" with whom I exchanged gossip and terrible relationship advice.  He chose to end the friendship when I got married out of respect for my new husband, but I always remembered him fondly.  I think the thing that's been hardest for me is that I have no one to grieve with.  We didn't have any mutual friends so there's no one in my current social circle who would remember him, it doesn't seem appropriate to burden my husband, and the only person in his family that I was close to was his mother who has also died.  Also, the obituary made no mention of a wife or girlfriend, and very few people signed the virtual guest log; the idea that this creative, funny, exasperating, sensitive, grumpy, idealistic, and full-of-life individual might have died alone and unloved is just unacceptable.  I sent sympathy cards to his brother and sister and believe I would feel much better if one of them responded just so that I could talk to them about what his friendship meant to me, and to maybe get reassurance that he DID get to achieve most of his dreams, but that's starting to look unlikely.  So yes; I completely understand how isolating it can feel to mourn alone.  I think it's completely understandable that you would feel heartache over your ex because he meant something not just to you but also to your children, and I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing your grief with them.  I also think it's perfectly acceptable, under the circumstances, to reach out to other people who knew and cared about him -- his friends/family if you had reasonably good rapport with them.  Maybe just sending them sympathy cards and expressing what he meant to you at that time might help you sort out your feelings.  Since your kids probably do remember your ex, have you talked about his death with them?  Although they might be sad, they might also share their memories and stories with you.

Please feel free to reach out to me if you'd like.  Of course I didn't know your ex any more than you knew mine, but our situations are similar so I believe we understand each other.  Be well.

 

Andrea

[smc1234]

I also lost an ex recently and have experienced similar feelings. We had a healthy relationship and ended on good terms but 8 months later I found out he died in his sleep. He was 29. They still don’t know the cause. Grieving an ex feels so lonely because you feel like you’re not supposed to. Just because we ended our relationship doesn’t mean those memories and that love is gone. I still cared for him deeply and wanted him to achieve all the dreams and goals we used to talk about. Knowing he will never get to do those things is heartbreaking. 

when I met him one of the things we really connected deeply on was our shared experiences of sudden and tragic death in our families. We used to talk about death and how it had affected us. It felt like the one safe space to talk about death, most people just get so uncomfortable. But we could laugh and cry and just understand each other. To have it come full circle and now he’s the one gone…it just doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t make sense of it. I grew up religious and God always gave me so much comfort and they always say to trust in God when you’re going through hard things, but it’s just so difficult. After losing 8 people in 2 years… including a 4 yo 8 yo 24 yo and two 29 yo’s…how can one process that?

I try to focus on what I can and can’t control and to Be grateful for each new day because I know it’s a gift. But I can’t shake it. I am scared all the time of losing another person. If I have a headache at night I’m scared to go to sleep because I don’t think I’ll wake up. Any time my family calls me I think they’re going to tell me someone else died. I’m just scared and it’s so much.

I’m sorry for both of your losses. Death of an ex is a very unique and isolating grief. All I know is it’s ok for us to feel our emotion, and finding someone who listen to you about it is very helpful. 

[alukowsky]

Hi smc1234.  Thank you for your kind words.  I think it must be particularly difficult when you lose someone who's so young; no it DOESN'T seem to make sense.

 

I finally was able to track down the friend who took care of my friend during his final illness.  It helped to talk with him and share a few funny stories and memories, but some of what I learned made me sad.  In the end, my friend was estranged from his siblings, penniless, and had no one to love except a little cat he'd rescued.  Even though I know there is probably nothing I could have done to change anything, I wish I had been able to see him one last time and offer him comfort -- or at least the knowledge that he wouod not be forgotten.