Morning after sudden euthanize

[Bricheese]

My sweet boy Dexter, I miss you so much it hurts to even type this. I can’t believe this happened. 
 

Just yesterday, I had to make the sudden decision to put down my 3yr10mo old cat, dexter. He was so young. He was so well taken care of. Everything in me was towards that cat. I am a 21 year old almost college graduate, and I got dexter at just 4 months old when I was 18. He was my first real companion, and he took me out of a very dark place in life. He was there every step of the way through starting my early adult life. My first year in community college... graduating to a four year college.. moving into my first apartment... meeting my long term boyfriend.. new stable job... everything. And now he’s gone. I’m not kidding when I say this cat saved me. He was my best friend. A huge part of my self identify and independence was him. I thought no matter what, at least I had him and that’s all I needed. This year, at 21, I would say was the best year of my life, until now. 
 

About 6 days ago, I woke up one morning and noticed he has puked up his breakfast I gave him a couple hours prior. I thought it was because he ate too fast, as he’s done that before. When I got home later that day from work, I noticed he was also acting lethargic. Just the way he was walking, he seemed “dumpy”. He wouldn’t run for his favorite toy “poof” anymore. Only show minor interest. I thought he just had an upset tummy, and went about my day with caution. Later that night, he threw up again. And was not interested in his food. Panic. I questioned if I should take him to the emergency vet. Sure he only threw up a few times, but this last time he did is let out a low moan and did the whole body movements of vomiting. I drive myself crazy googling the possibilities. Little did I know the worst outcome was about to happen. My absolute worst nightmare. That following morning, he actually started acting better. He wasn’t as lethargic, and he was playing cat fetch with me with his favorite toy. As well as pestering me for breakfast at 5 am. Typical dexter. I was so relieved. Nonetheless, to be sure, I took him to the emergency vet to see if something was wrong. When I got there, all news was good from the vet. We had both had suspicion there was a foreign body in his tummy. I didn’t dare to think he had an actual life threatening illness residing in his vital organs. The vet said he flipped for her and she got a very thorough feel of his organs, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She said “if he’s sick he’s hiding it well!”. She asked me if I wanted to do x-rays to be sure if there was anything in there. I asked her what she thought, since they can be pricey. She assured me that she doesn’t think he needed them because she genuinely didn’t feel a thing in his organs, and he was acting okay. Just a anti vomiting shot, cerenia, and going from there. So she gave him just that, and we went home. When we got home, he was still lethargic and over the next 24, he just wasn’t as interested in his food. I thought little of it, and blamed it on just not feeling good. It was when he threw up again, after the nausea shot had worn off that I made an appointment for my vet again. We went, and she pressed for further investigation: blood work, x-rays, etc. I said yes of course. She was concerned that he wasn’t getting better. He tone of voice when speaking to me about his symptoms should have gave it away. Nonetheless, my mind was still focused on a possible obstruction, and worse case scenario, he needed to get surgery to remove whatever it was. God I wish it was that. His x-rays showed normal, and blood work would take a day to come in. So we went home with another nausea shot, and some bland food. I was a wreck, as he stopped playing and moving around as much, and mainly just laid down in one spot, and just hung out. I couldn’t get him to eat. When i did, it was only a little. The rest of that day I would say he only ate a single can over 24 hours. That day, yesterday, he was still acting lethargic, but I noticed he was drinking a lot more water than he normally does. Red flag. I thought it was because he wasn’t eating so he was dehydrated. God I can’t even bare to finish this story. 
 

while at work, I got the call from my vet with the blood work results. I remember dropping everything I was doing and running to the back to answer. She asked how he was doing, and after me saying he wasn’t improving, she broke the horrible news. “There’s some things about dexters blood work that has me very concerned”. The numbers for his kidney functions were through the roof. I can’t remember what the actual name of what the value was, all I remember was her saying “a normal cats values are 2.8, and us vets get concerned when it varies by a tenth. Dexters value is at 12.9. He needs to be hospitalized immediately.” The rest is a blur right now. I just remember crying my eyes out and rushing home, grabbing him and driving out to the emergency vet. I was in ruins. I am in ruins. When I got there, you could just tell. The vet was not sounding hopeful. They thought hopefully it was a bad infection that could be treated. But when the urinalysis came back clear, it was sealed. He was experiencing bad kidney failure. And he was hiding it well. I was so shocked. Crying so hard. He wasn’t even 4 yet. I took care of him so well. He had the best food, exercise, grooming, stimulation, all of it. I immediately wanted to know what to do. She gave me three options, one most probable than the others. Dialysis was the first. They would have to refer me to a dialysis center, which was about 10,000 a day. I honestly would have done it, but I asked if this kidney failure was acute or chronic. She really thinks it was a chronic issue. Other signs in his blood work really pointed to it. I knew dialysis would only just prolong his pain, and the short amount of extra time we’d have would be spent at doctor visits, being poked at, etc. and he would hate that. The next option was hospitalization. But right off the bat she expressed that she doesn’t think he would respond to the treatment. His numbers were drastically high, and it was a matter of days. She feared that he would die alone in the hospital, spending his last days again, being poked and prodded at. I live an hour away from this hospital, so visits would only be as much as I could do with work in mind. My last option, was to euthanize him that day. I just about cried my entire heart out when I realized it was that bad. He was in a lot of pain, and he was hiding it. She said his numbers were so high, most patients who do seek treatment end up having to euthanize in the end, after a few more long days of suffering in the hospital, away from family. I didn’t want this for dexter. Any of this. But I will be damned if I didn’t make the last moments of his life comfortable. I wanted to take the pain away. I wanted to avoid the messy ending some other pet parents go through. I wanted to have my last moments be with my dexter when he still looked and acted like my dexter. I didn’t want to witness the day when he couldnt stand up anymore. Or when he pees on himself, or wallows to me. I just wanted to avoid that for the both of us. Because if i took him home, it was only a matter of days. He was already losing weight rapidly, just over the course of 5 days. 
 

so I did it. I called my boyfriend, who drove an hour to be there with me when it happened. That hour we waited I sat with him alone and pet him and told him how much I loved him. I talked to him and truly just tried to cherish the little time we had left. He was receptive to my love, head butting me and flopping for me. He was even purring for me for some time. Something he’s been struggling to do the past few days. When it was finally time, I got to hold him and hold his head up as he began to fall asleep. I was the last person he saw as I was looking into his eyes telling him how much I loved him. As they put him to sleep, I was kissing his head and I felt the moment that his body just completely relaxed. It was almost like a load of tension just falling. I couldn’t open my eyes and see him after he passed. I wanted my last sight of him to be when he was alive, slowly falling asleep peacefully. After that, I just cried and cried into my boyfriends arms. I haven’t stopped crying since. It’s the morning after as I type this, and I don’t know how to go on. He is my everything. We shared this room and all of his things are still here. And it kills me. He was a huge part of me and I don’t know how to go on. I want to think I made the right choice, and I made sure to prove the doctor a million times to make sure I had no other option. It all happened so fast. He was not even 4. I thought he was going to meet my kids one day. I always told him he would. I always told him “I will take care of you to the best of my abilities for as long as I have you”. I just didn’t know that the time would come so soon. 
 

please. How do I go on? I feel so empty inside and it’s something I just can’t believe is happening right now. I miss him so much. I’ve been clutching his collar and poof for the entire night and morning. I don’t know how I will go on without him. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry...I had Kitty euthanized because of kidney and liver failure, she went so fast, lost half her body weight, also had thyroid problems but those would have been treatable, not so with the kidney & liver failure.  She also didn't feel like eating, did not feel good at all, and I know I made the right choice for her.  But she was 25.  Big difference, you must have been shocked beyond belief!  It is so unfair, especially when we do everything we can to give them a good life.  I miss her still.  The first half of her life she was adopted & abandoned more times than anyone could count.  At age 12 I promised her a forever home, I'd known her since age 10.  
The "how to go on" is the hard part.  Seeing their empty bowls and cat toys brings pain.  So does putting them away.  Do whatever feels best to you.  When I lost my dog Arlie it felt literally unbearable.  I have his coat hanging on my chair, I hold it sometimes.  His leash and collar, both retired, still hang by the door.  I would get up at 4 am and cook for him as he has acute chronic Colitis all his life.  He was my "soulmate in a dog."  I want you to know that the immense pain you are in right now will settle to something more manageable in time, hang in there for that time...I wrote the following article with loss of spouse in mind, but grief is grief, and I hope something in it is helpful to you.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

You also gave your can a forever home, I'm just so sorry "forever" didn't last longer, for the both of you.  (((hugs)))

I hope this video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[nothingness]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am crying, reading your story. It's been a month since my dog (totally healthy) suddenly collapsed and died in front of me. It was completely unexpected and I still can't wrap my head around it. There's still this disbelief that this could possibly happen to him. I can definitely relate to the feeling of emptiness and not knowing how to go on. The idea that I'm just supposed to go on with my life without him is just ridiculous and incomprehensible.

I don't have any good advice or solutions. But one thing I might recommend is that I bought a scrapbook for my dog off amazon. It has all sorts of things you can fill out about your pet's life like favorite toys, places, foods, etc. And, of course, places for lots of pics. I've been filling out this scrapbook when I'm able. I don't want to lose any of the memories I have with him. When I'm filling it out, it's like I'm writing to him and makes me feel like he's with me as I write it.

[Bricheese]

12 minutes ago, nothingness said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am crying, reading your story. It's been a month since my dog (totally healthy) suddenly collapsed and died in front of me. It was completely unexpected and I still can't wrap my head around it. There's still this disbelief that this could possibly happen to him. I can definitely relate to the feeling of emptiness and not knowing how to go on. The idea that I'm just supposed to go on with my life without him is just ridiculous and incomprehensible.

I don't have any good advice or solutions. But one thing I might recommend is that I bought a scrapbook for my dog off amazon. It has all sorts of things you can fill out about your pet's life like favorite toys, places, foods, etc. And, of course, places for lots of pics. I've been filling out this scrapbook when I'm able. I don't want to lose any of the memories I have with him. When I'm filling it out, it's like I'm writing to him and makes me feel like he's with me as I write it.

I’m so sorry you went through something similar. Having that happen so recently as well I can imagine we are both feeling a lot of the same emotions right now. You’re not alone, and we can somehow do this. I love the idea of a scrap book, as I too don’t want to lose the memories. I think you filling it out when you can is a beautiful moment where you get to cherish the good times. And I imagine your dog is with you right by your side enjoying them too. I think both of our lost kids would want us to be happy and remember the good. That seems so hard for me right now, but we’ll get there. 

11 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry...I had Kitty euthanized because of kidney and liver failure, she went so fast, lost half her body weight, also had thyroid problems but those would have been treatable, not so with the kidney & liver failure.  She also didn't feel like eating, did not feel good at all, and I know I made the right choice for her.  But she was 25.  Big difference, you must have been shocked beyond belief!  It is so unfair, especially when we do everything we can to give them a good life.  I miss her still.  The first half of her life she was adopted & abandoned more times than anyone could count.  At age 12 I promised her a forever home, I'd known her since age 10.  
The "how to go on" is the hard part.  Seeing their empty bowls and cat toys brings pain.  So does putting them away.  Do whatever feels best to you.  When I lost my dog Arlie it felt literally unbearable.  I have his coat hanging on my chair, I hold it sometimes.  His leash and collar, both retired, still hang by the door.  I would get up at 4 am and cook for him as he has acute chronic Colitis all his life.  He was my "soulmate in a dog."  I want you to know that the immense pain you are in right now will settle to something more manageable in time, hang in there for that time...I wrote the following article with loss of spouse in mind, but grief is grief, and I hope something in it is helpful to you.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

You also gave your can a forever home, I'm just so sorry "forever" didn't last longer, for the both of you.  (((hugs)))

I hope this video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

Thank you so much... this is beyond helpful and I’ve been coming back to this reply a couple times a day when the pain gets unbearable. I can’t wait to see my baby again at the rainbow bridge when it’s my time.

[Gary55]

I'm so sorry to read about Dexter. It's not fair to lose him so young. He sounds so lovely. They leave a huge hole in our hearts and a big gap in our lives when they are no longer here. I lost Goldie last December he'd had kidney disease for a while but the end was still sudden. I'm lost without him, and find each day a struggle. Everyone here understands and is so supportive anytime you need to talk. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Bricheese said:

I can’t wait to see my baby again at the rainbow bridge when it’s my time.

Me too, I'm glad to have that hope!  I talk to him all the time, it'll be two years come 8/16.

[Bricheese]

19 hours ago, Gary55 said:

I'm so sorry to read about Dexter. It's not fair to lose him so young. He sounds so lovely. They leave a huge hole in our hearts and a big gap in our lives when they are no longer here. I lost Goldie last December he'd had kidney disease for a while but the end was still sudden. I'm lost without him, and find each day a struggle. Everyone here understands and is so supportive anytime you need to talk. 

I find that every morning is the hardest part, as I’m having to face my new reality each time I wake up. I know grief can be carried with a person for the rest of their life, so I just hope it gets easier.

[KayC]

It takes time but it eventually is something we can carry inside of us, although I continue to miss them wistfully...

[AJWCat]

My heart breaks for you and your loss of sweet Dexter. 

So young. Too soon. I am really sorry. 
I wish I could say something to ease the pain. (I lost my cat 4 years very suddenly to a horrific illness the emergency vet claimed was poison. I was stunned and devastated.)

Anyway, this pain will not last forever. You will recover and have happy memories instead of those last couple of days. It just takes time and patience. 

[Bricheese]

5 hours ago, AJWCat said:

My heart breaks for you and your loss of sweet Dexter. 

So young. Too soon. I am really sorry. 
I wish I could say something to ease the pain. (I lost my cat 4 years very suddenly to a horrific illness the emergency vet claimed was poison. I was stunned and devastated.)

Anyway, this pain will not last forever. You will recover and have happy memories instead of those last couple of days. It just takes time and patience. 

Thank you, these condolences really help. It’s almost been a week and I still feel so lost. I loved my boy with all my heart. I’m looking into getting a new friend soon to help me through the grief, but I’ve created so many collages and shadow boxes and picture pillows in memory of my sweet boy. I love him so much I wish he was here to see all that I have made for him. I wish he was still here, period. The crying has subsided for the most part it’s the depression that comes in the end. I will get through it somehow. 

[Gary55]

I think that is how best to look at it, getting through it somehow. I wanted to go with Goldie, I still feel I want to be where he is. I will be someday. The stages of grief for me are all over the place. I've not had anger, that wasn't part of it for me. Apart from that, I'm still in denial after 6 months. All we can do is work through things as it comes for us. 

[KayC]

The 5 stages of grief were written for the terminally ill, not those of us grieving.  We don't go through all of the stages, let alone in that order.   Each of us handles our grief uniquely, just as we are unique, we find what works best for us.  This is damn hard at best!  I have learned there is no way to circumvent it, if there was, I surely would have found the way around it, but to go straight through it, pain and all, it's part of the processing our grief.  It does evolve over our journey.  We don't feel it as intensely in years to come as we do in the beginning.  It's been 16 years since I lost my husband, nearly two years since losing Arlie, and 1 1/2 years since losing Kitty...Missy Mocha has been gone five years now.  It doesn't seem possible but time passes.  We no longer expect to see them at the door, or to feed them, the lack of everyday interactions we had eventually stop triggering us.  I cooked for Arlie all his life, getting up at 4 to do so, I actually missed doing that when he was gone, it was a labor of love (he had acute chronic Colitis that I controlled through diet).  I love and miss his beautiful sweet smile.  I miss holding him.  

7 hours ago, Bricheese said:

I’m looking into getting a new friend soon to help me through the grief

I hope you do.  It doesn't stop our grieving but it does help fill a void somehow, they create a new spot in our hearts.