Still in Disbelief

[Candyce68]

Today is the third anniversary of losing my husband  Ed to pancreatic cancer.  Ed was my best friend, soul mate and husband.  I can't believe it has been three years since he passed.  I am still in disbelief and still have a hard time moving on.  It seems like things will never get better, I know nothing will be the same.  I miss him every minute of everyday.  The hardest time is when I wake up in the morning and he is not there. It seems to take a second to remember, but then there it is the reality that Ed is not here and not coming home.

I don't understand and can't understand why this all happened.

 

[SDC]

Anniversaries are incredibly difficult. I'm sorry you're facing a hard day after three years of hard days. I'll be at 14 months without him this month and although it often feels like 14 years since I saw him, it's still hard to believe I've gone a full year without him. The passage of time is different now. I continue to talk to aloud to him and a few months ago I started including the line "I don't want to be here without you, but here I am" in my daily verbal ramblings. Saying those words out loud is making me face the fact that my life is now up to me and only me--something I know intellectually, of course, but I'm behind on emotionally comprehending that truth. He is gone. I am here. I want neither, but my wants don't call the shots. 

I don't think there is a static "better" after the person we love the most dies. I think there are things we can do that bring better to us in fits and starts. Finding some joys is a  better--no matter how small or fleeting. I've realized that I can feel joy while simultaneously being heartbroken. Another unwanted lesson. Taking care of ourselves instead of the opposite is another better (I put off a needed dental visit and was living with discomfort). It might sound trite, but I know my love wants me to take care of myself and find joy in the rest of my time on this cruel, beautiful earth. Ed would want the same for you. If you died of pancreatic cancer instead of him, you'd want him to take care of himself and find some joys too. But that is all SO much easier said than done. It's a daily struggle to create some betters next to our great sadness. Take good care. 

[Gail 8588]

Candyce68,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband over 4 years ago. It took me a very long time to feel connected to life again, but I am finally making progress. 

The reality is life is more difficult alone. There is so much stuff to do in life and now we don't have our partner shouldering half the burden. Also, life is lonely without our love.  All the little banter and silly moments between us are gone.  It is not a surprise that we never feel like we have gotten back to the "normal, wonderful" life we had with them.   We have to look for a new normal.  It may never be as wonderful as life was with them, but life can be good, even if it is not as good as before. 

I don't think any of us can understand Why this happened.  We just have to find a way to engage in life in our new circumstances. 

Hopefully, as we come out of this pandemic, it will become easier to find a way back to living. 

Gail

[KayC]

Oh Candy, I am so sorry.  My BIL of 50 years died of stomach cancer just a few months ago, I hate the C word!  I'm very sorry for your loss, no matter how much time goes by, it's never "over," it is with us forever; I have missed (and STILL love) my husband each and every day of the last 16 years come Father's Day (it was the 19th that year).  My heart goes out to you.  We can process our grief, but never is it gone.  It took me a good three years+ to process my grief, years more to find purpose, years more to build a life I could live, then Covid came along and destroyed it.    Will need to start all over rebuilding again, if we're allowed any normalcy...ever.
Anniversary of a Loved One's Death
Anniversary of Death
Anniversary of death tips

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Diane R. E.]

38 minutes ago, KayC said:

It took me a good three years+ to process my grief

First to Candyce: I am so very sorry for your loss and for what you have been going through. Kay; I love your article TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF, it has been quite helpful and I follow many of them. My question is about how to PROCESS my grief. I keep feeling like there is something I should be doing, or thinking, or something I'm missing, but I don't know what that is or how to find out what processing my grief means. Is there a point when one should feel like "Ok, I've fully processed the grief of my husband's death"? 

[foreverhis]

@Candyce68  I am fast approaching 3 years since my husband died from metastatic bladder cancer.  It seems like I lost him yesterday and forever ago.

I still miss him every minute of every day.  I always will.  Over this past year, I have started to be able to move forward into finding a life I can live without him because there is no other choice.  I urge you to put the words "moving on" out of your mind.  IMO, we don't ever move on or "get over it."  We can, each in our own time--by which I mean years, not weeks or months--move forward as we learn to carry our grief as part of us.  For me, grief is evolving and the weight is lighter, bit by bit, though it will always be there.  At first and for a pretty long time, it felt as if it would always be crushing me, pushing me down into the dark pit.  Coming here really helped because I could say all the things I couldn't say to even the people who love me and us most.  They know they don't fully understand because it hasn't happened to them.  I hope it's a long time before any of them do.

Here I could and can question, rant, scream, and ask for advice.  It was such a relief to be among people who truly know, though I wish none of us had to be here at all!

Please keep posting and reading.  Let us know more about you if and when you are ready.  One thing I've learned is that when I fall down, when my grief becomes too much, I can come here, reach out my hand (so to speak), and the caring members will reach out to me to help me up again.  You are not alone.

[South Carolina]

Hi, reading all these heart breaking stories of love lost & trying to deal with it makes me realize in most cases there’s really no hope of getting a grip on life again. Everything is against me , to old to start over, health is gone , heart disease, kidney disease, can’t eat what ever I want any longer, can’t walk very far without resting , sex is not even possible. So there’s no point to me existing. I’m just taking up space for no reason. I wish all of you the best , thanks for letting me vent. 

[tnd]

3 hours ago, South Carolina said:

So there’s no point to me existing. I’m just taking up space for no reason.

South Carolina:  I kind of feel the way you do. I feel like I am merely "existing".  I'm 57 and have a rare illness and on oxygen 24/7. This had been my second marriage and it was a good solid happy one. So now what, right? They say "never say never" but I honestly know I will never remarry or find myself in a relationship again. It took me 10 years just to date after divorcing my first husband. I had avoided men for a lot of reasons but mainly because I did not want to be in a relationship. Ten long years went by and I met and married my second husband -Mr. Wonderful. My point in bringing up a timeline is to merely show that I had went it alone a long time and know I can. I'd  rather of course have my husband back but since that is impossible, I will keep to myself now. But I am hoping that I will make new friends in the future. Not even going to attempt to for a long while yet to come but at some point I may think about it. I am having to move in with my brother and his family. I told my brother that losing my husband makes me feel like I've lost my purpose. He replied that maybe my purpose now is just to be an Aunt to his 2 boys. I have missed out on most of their childhood so I am thankful I will get to spend time with them before they run off to become adults. And I will have my brother and sister in-law. So I won't be alone much longer. I hope you have someone to spend time with too. We may be without our beloveds but perhaps we don't have to be alone. There's got to be more to life than just feeling like we are existing.   

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

Is there a point when one should feel like "Ok, I've fully processed the grief of my husband's death"? 

I don't recall a moment in time when that realization hit, more like a gradual recognition of it, and of course there are usually bits here and there as we go, but I'm speaking generally.

Grief Process
I came to my forum every day and read/posted, I saw a grief counselor, read countless books and articles (still read/collect articles).  I even started a grief support group with what I've learned/experienced.  It even came in handy when meeting with my sister's social worker yesterday to give her a broadened perspective about Peggy's condition/mental state.  For someone who was married 50 years, lived entwined with someone who really cared about her, she's done amazingly well.  She asked when/why she was on antidepressants and I was able to provide her backstory to that as well, it goes back to her being downsized in her career and retiring (IMO) too early and not filling it with something else.  I explained about grief fog and how long it can last...I didn't mention that we are never the same again!  Peggy really wants to come home and I see no reason for her not to, so long as she incorporates some help but she has to put in the effort or she'll be stuck in a long term facility which she does NOT want!  And I don't blame her.  What good is life if there is no good in it?  She needs something to enjoy, something to hope for, something to look forward to...these are the things we all need to work to build for ourselves.  It can be something as simple as making plans to eat out with a friend or play games with friends.  Peggy loves to read but there is no peace and quiet at her care facility.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, South Carolina said:

there’s really no hope of getting a grip on life again. Everything is against me , to old to start over, health is gone , heart disease, kidney disease, can’t eat what ever I want any longer, can’t walk very far without resting , sex is not even possible. So there’s no point to me existing. I’m just taking up space for no reason.

It's a choice, sometimes it can be hard to find something but keep your eyes peeled for SOMETHING you CAN enjoy, no matter how small, nothing is too insignificant to count!  My sister is severely disabled but I talk to her on the phone every day, about an hour, bring her lunch or take her out to eat (Covid permitting), she has a couple of friends that drop in.  People want to see her because she's enjoyable!  I had a sister who lived her last 50 years as a quadriplegic with severely damaged vocal chords, yet she was a joy and inspiration to be around!  Us girls (her sisters) would come from all over the state to take her to lunch once a month + shopping!  We wanted to give her something to look forward to.  I have known other handicapped people that lived full lives even with all their hindrances, and they had many..  Life is not over until every last breath is gone, although it can FEEL like that when we are in the pits.  It takes MUCH TIME to adjust to loss/grief!  Much time to process that grief (it took me over three years), years more to find purpose, years more yet to build a life we can live.  I did that and then Covid came and pulled the rug out from under me, I had injuries to my hands that made it difficult to survive, severe pain and loss of strength I have to live with.  I do my best.  I've had to build again a life I can live, but am doing my best with it.  My neighbors have been a great asset in my life, so is my puppy.  I realize you may not be able to take care of a dog, but maybe someone you know is willing to bring theirs over for a visit?  I do that for my sister Peggy.  And they love each other.

@tnd  Thank you for your input here.  You are doing what you can do and I admire that!  I do hope you grow your relationship with your nephews.  Life throws us missiles but it seems it's what we do with them.  I know, some people's lives seem far removed from ours, as they go on cruises, never seem to have struggles/hard hits/challenges...but again, maybe that's what they display, what we SEE.  Inside they may be feeling other things. It's so easy to see people with their spouses still, people whose homes are nice and their income ample and no physical calamities to deal with, no pain, but it is not what we are dealt so much as what we do with what we have.  I believe in survival and giving ourselves the best quality of life we can.  For some of us we are fighting physical issues and growing old alone, it IS challenging! 

[Gail 8588]

South Carolina, 

I know how bleak it feels.  I had all of those thoughts. Felt  like I was just taking up space, using up resources, for no reason at all. But it won't feel like that forever. 

Even in my darkest times I knew that it was not possible that all the millions of people who have lost a spouse were in this state of despair for the rest of their lives.  Somehow they got better. If they got better, then probably I'll get better too, if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, I will find my way back to living.

It took me a long time, for a variety of reasons unique to my situation, but in my 4th year, I finally started making progress. I am back among the living now. Of course I still miss my husband and wish he was here, but I enjoy the life I have now. I am no longer filled with despair. 

You are still in your first year, which is filled with so many hard "first time without" days.  Don't give up hope.  Grief does evolve and become less crushing.  Seeing good in life, feeling happiness does return. 

Gail

 

[Diane R. E.]

Kay; thank you for the link to the article on processing grief. I will definitely read it.

[KayC]

Gail, that is how I feel also.  Covid isolation has been hard, but made possible to get through by my puppy and neighbors and my church.  I do kn ow someone who has gone through six years and is no better, still seeing a counselor, but hers is compounded by no living family/friends and debilitating infirmities and lots of pain.  We need to build something into our lives to look forward to, something to enjoy, and people to enjoy in life.  It can take time, people, so please try not to lose heart.  There is no instant remedy, but with processing your grief, reading books & articles (I have a ton of them I have collected over the years, if you ask for a particular kind), developing social outlet/friends, working on positive attitude (believe me, I know this can be a struggle and a challenge, I've been working on it since day 11 of my journey), LOOKING for good in your life and not comparing what is to what was, this can be achieved.  I've made it work.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Covid isolation has been hard, but made possible to get through by my puppy and neighbors and my church.  I do kn ow someone who has gone through six years and is no better, still seeing a counselor, but hers is compounded by no living family/friends and debilitating infirmities and lots of pain.  We need to build something into our lives to look forward to, something to enjoy, and people to enjoy in life.  It can take time, people, so please try not to lose heart. 

Isolation sure did set me back, most of us too I think.  My friends who are neighbors, my "loaner" dog friend, and my friends and family who are hours away helped a lot.  Even so, it was hard.  I had spent about 8 months months as a virtual hermit and had started taking small steps forward; I had come to a point where I didn't feel it was a betrayal every time I smiled or felt a little happiness or tried to look for the good in small things.  Then, BAM, here comes the pandemic and it's back to essentially being a hermit with the difference being that it wasn't by choice.

I've been angry, disgusted, incredibly sad, a bit afraid and also thankful and happy that people care about me.  Sometimes being isolated made me miss John so much more and want him here with me with a burning pain that's hard to explain; other times, I said to him, "I have to admit I'm not sorry you're missing some of what's happening now." 

I know that I am lucky to have the support system I do.  I know I'm lucky that I have good doctors who help with my health problems and people in my life who watch out for me.  I try not to take any of that for granted, even on the days when all I can think is, "So what?  John's not here with me now.  What difference does any of that make?"

[tnd]

foreverhis:  I was just thinking about the same thing this morning. My husband and I were cooped up together during lockdown for a long time and then I was alone for many months while he was in the hospital. No friends/family here. We were loners but sort of liked it that way. Well, sort of...in recent months we had talked about how we should at least make friends with our neighbors here at the apartment when he came home. Now I have to move in with my brother and his family and they live in a very rural area far out in the country. But at least I will have them around, better than being here alone. I'm at the point that while being alone I can cry and grieve in private but at the same time I have hated being cooped up. Isolation sure does a number on our heads. Don't know how I will act or how to when I start getting out again to run errands, go to appts, etc. Kind of an overwhelming and scary thought. Glad I can come here. 

[Diane R. E.]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Sometimes being isolated made me miss John so much more and want him here with me with a burning pain that's hard to explain

I sure relate to this feeling of "burning pain' wanting my husband to be here. Doug was such a great companion - we were together all the time during lock down, and although I continued teaching (online), he was retired and took such great care of me. Although he did most of the housework, brought me snacks, and made meals, the thing is miss the most is his presence and companionship. I spend most of my time alone now, and that burning pain of wanting him here is now my constant companion.  

[KayC]

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Sometimes being isolated made me miss John so much more and want him here with me with a burning pain that's hard to explain; other times, I said to him, "I have to admit I'm not sorry you're missing some of what's happening now." 

Same here, it brought it all back with a vengeance, the missing having him here!  The void was keenly felt.  But I also was glad he didn't have to experience this.  He was very social.

[tnd]

47 minutes ago, Diane R. E. said:

the thing is miss the most is his presence and companionship. I spend most of my time alone now, and that burning pain of wanting him here is now my constant companion.  

Me, too. This is exactly how I feel...I feel a "burning pain". My own husband was my constant companion too and now all I have is the pain from losing him. 

[Gail 8588]

On 6/16/2021 at 2:10 PM, Diane R. E. said:

. . . I keep feeling like there is something I should be doing, or thinking, or something I'm missing, but I don't know what that is or how to find out what processing my grief means. . . .

Diane,

I felt that way also, for much of my first 4 years. 

I did read books and articles, but they seemed too general to me. I wanted to know what should I do.

For me, the first 3 years included a lot of self examination of my capabilities and examining what my husband did for me for 40 years to help me navigate the world.

We all have weaknesses and strengths.  So I really came to understand my weaknesses in that period of time.  This sent me into deeper despair, but in the long run I think it was important for me to know what I was dealing with.  Later, I was able to figure out some coping mechanisms that I will need to have in place for the rest of my life. But now at least I have a plan for dealing with those issues. 

Working on being able to talk about John, without falling apart, sort of occurred naturally.  In the very early stage, I just hid from everyone and avoided the subject.  Eventually, I started facing the world a little bit at a time.  Each time I would go to a restaurant, hairdresser, car mechanic, etc that knew us as a couple, and I would have to let them know John had died, I would fall completely apart sobbing. But the next time I went to that dry cleaners, or doggy daycare, it was not so hard to face them. You do gradually get stronger at this. In my 4th year I ran into a couple that had known John well, but were not aware he had died.  The husband casually said Tell John he need's to come by and play some tunes.  And my voice cracked only a little when I explained he died a few years ago. When I walked away, I had a conversation in my head about what a long way I had come in processing my grief, that I could share that sad news so much more factually. Not be emotionally devastated by acknowledging it. 

I do think volunteering helps to pull us out of focusing all of our attention on our personal trials and tribulations.  It feels good to work with others for a common purpose.  It doesn't really matter what volunteer work you do,  clearing nature trails in parks, serving as a docent in a museum, tutoring kids in school, helping out in a public library, supporting an animal shelter. Whatever it is, you are helping others. You give your brain a little respite from your grief.  They are opportunities to make new connections to people who didn't know you as a couple.  Volunteering is a way to try to reconnect with life.  

I think a big part of processing our grief is finding a way to live without our beloved.  In early grief, we all cry out in anguish "I just want him/her back".  As you move further on this journey, you accept more and more how this is impossible. For some, maybe many, people they naturally transition into their new reality and become engaged in life again.  For me, and others, we have to really work at becoming re-engaged in life.  The pandemic made this more challenging I believe. 

I had to really manufacture new connections, new ways of thinking.  I did incorporate things on Kay's list to help me find a path out of my despair. I think trying to learn something new, helps your brain reset, that the future holds something unexpected.  It can't just stay on auto pilot.  So learn Portuguese, or needlepoint, or the violin. Something that you have no experience in.

Well I'm no expert, but these are my thoughts on processing grief.

Good luck to us all. 

Gail

[Sparky1]

On 6/18/2021 at 4:48 PM, foreverhis said:

Isolation sure did set me back, most of us too I think.  My friends who are neighbors, my "loaner" dog friend, and my friends and family who are hours away helped a lot.  Even so, it was hard.  I had spent about 8 months months as a virtual hermit and had started taking small steps forward; I had come to a point where I didn't feel it was a betrayal every time I smiled or felt a little happiness or tried to look for the good in small things.  Then, BAM, here comes the pandemic and it's back to essentially being a hermit with the difference being that it wasn't by choice.

I've been angry, disgusted, incredibly sad, a bit afraid and also thankful and happy that people care about me.  Sometimes being isolated made me miss John so much more and want him here with me with a burning pain that's hard to explain; other times, I said to him, "I have to admit I'm not sorry you're missing some of what's happening now." 

I know that I am lucky to have the support system I do.  I know I'm lucky that I have good doctors who help with my health problems and people in my life who watch out for me.  I try not to take any of that for granted, even on the days when all I can think is, "So what?  John's not here with me now.  What difference does any of that make?"

I know that burning pain all too well. For me it's like there's a huge lump in the middle of my chest. Could it be  heartache? I feel like a part of me has been ripped away from me, it's hard to explain the emptiness.

[South Carolina]

I know exactly what you mean. It’s a physical hurt your heart feels. Seems like every time I read about these love lost tragedies, it’s never ending pain & loneliness. It’s like where is god in all this? To bad from what I understand we have to be dead to find out. Well that is convenient isn’t it? I wish there was something I could do to help everyone with what ever they’re going through. My heart aches for all of you , I wish we could all start over,  maybe we will. 

[Diane R. E.]

Gail; thank you so much for your thoughtful and supportive response. Your words are on point and extremely helpful. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, South Carolina said:

It’s like where is god in all this?

I wondered the same thing in my first year.  I had always been an avid pray-er, I've studied it, taught it, lived it.  But when George died it felt like my prayers bounced off the wall of heaven!  I did not feel God.  Of course I know not to go by feelings, but by faith, but at a time when you most need comfort or something, it's very hard.  After about a year I realized God had been right there with me all of the time, carrying me.  But my grief was so thick I could not see through it!   This heartbreak is so palpable, it can even cause physical symptoms!  

Don't worry if you don't feel God, He's there, in due time you will realize that, for now, just don't worry.  It's okay to cry out, scream, vent, He has big strong arms and chest, He can take it, and He understands...even when we don't see it.  

[tnd]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Don't worry if you don't feel God, He's there, in due time you will realize that, for now, just don't worry.  It's okay to cry out, scream, vent, He has big strong arms and chest, He can take it, and He understands...even when we don't see it.

KayC:   My husband's faith was stronger than mine and I am keeping everything he told me in mind. I do a lot of praying, even before losing my husband. Sometimes when we were barely getting by or things went wrong we'd pray and give thanks for what we had and not dwell on what we didn't have. My husband always said that God wants us to give Him our fears and our worries....to take it to Him. Well, I sure do now! But I am still trying to give thanks for what I have (my brother's help) and a place to go. 

[tnd]

On 6/16/2021 at 9:14 AM, Candyce68 said:

The hardest time is when I wake up in the morning and he is not there. It seems to take a second to remember, but then there it is the reality that Ed is not here and not coming home.

I am sorry for your loss, Candyce68. You said it's been 3 years since you lost your husband and still having a hard time with it. I thought about it and think yes, 3 years is a long time to be in such pain and I think that is what makes it even harder...we all know that our pain will always be there. That it probably isn't just going to go away. So I don't think there is a timeline we need to be thinking about. We've got enough pressure dealing with life while missing our loved ones. Like you, the mornings are hard. And then dinner and then bedtime. All these little points of the day to somehow cope with. I imagine I will always be questioning it. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, tnd said:

I am still trying to give thanks for what I have

The spirit of gratefulness is so important!  I'm amazed you are able to focus on that so early on, kudos to you, keep on keeping on, one day at a time.  (((hugs)))

@Candyce68  Thinking of you and saying a prayer for you...