My Soulmate Was Killed in an Accident

[Whitney14]

I’ve never been a part of any grief support groups before, but figured I would give this a shot because I do not know what to do anymore. On June 1, 2021, 2 weeks from today, my partner age 23 was killed by a semi truck on the way to help his best friend move. Me and my 2 year old son had just left his house not even an hour before he got killed, and I got the dreaded phone call from his family as soon as we walked into my apartment. 
 

These past 2 weeks have been the most awful days of my entire life. We always told each other we wouldn’t know how to live without the other, we were made for one another literally. Everything was so perfect between us, he took on the responsibility of helping me raise my 2 year old, we were planning to marry next year and he was going to adopt him. Here I am now, heartbroken as well as my little boy who is without a dad all over again. My world is completely shattered and I breakdown every single day, scream, cry, and ask why was he taken away from me and my son, his family, and his friends? He was the kindest human being and would drop what he was doing to help anyone in need. He didn’t deserve this! Now I don’t know how I will ever go on. As time passes by I ask why couldn’t they have taken me instead? Days are a dreaded nightmare and I pray that he comes back to me. Please help, what do I do? 

[Gail 8588]

Whitney14, 

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so unfair that your life together was cut so short. 

During these early days, it is all you can do to just keep breathing and doing the things that must be done today. 

Your young son needs you, and although it is so hard to tend to his needs while you are brokenhearted, he may also give your mind a bit of relief from the crushing pain of your grief. 

I do hope you have family or friends that can help you during this tragic time. 

Come here to vent, share, or just read the posts of others. Each of us has a unique situation, but we do have many experiences in common as we try to find a way forward after our lives have been shattered. 

I am so sorry you have reason to join us here.

Gail

[Whitney14]

@Gail 8588 thank you for your response to my post. You are so right, my son needs me more than anything. It’s almost as though me and my son are a team right now, getting through this tragic loss together which does help some. My grief comes in waves, sometimes I will be okay and other times it’ll hit me and I find myself driving home from school to pick up my son, screaming and crying and begging someone to bring my love back. This whole thing is so unfair and I’ll never understand why he was taken so soon. I find myself grieving over the future plans we had together. We were looking at houses, we planned to marry next year. To have a baby of our own and give my son a sibling and now it’s all ripped away. The idea of ever being with someone else again even though I’m only 25, makes me feel physically sick. How am I supposed to get through these days without him? I feel like I just go through the motions day in and day out. It’s misery. 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Whitney14 said:

The idea of ever being with someone else again even though I’m only 25, makes me feel physically sick. How am I supposed to get through these days without him? I feel like I just go through the motions day in and day out. It’s misery. 

I am so very very sorry for you and your son's loss. Truly tragic. It IS the worst pain. I loss my husband just a week ago. I get that sick feeling too. And you are right; it's misery. I know the feeling of planning things and looking forward to things and then suddenly *poof* HE'S GONE. Now I could care less about plans, I'd give anything just to have him back and I don't doubt that is how you feel about your soulmate. I have no freaking idea how we are suppose to carry on now. It helps coming here, everyone has been so supportive. But none of us here want to be here...we've suffered a loss beyond words. My brother says I just need to take care of myself and eat and sleep and not think/do much right now...grieve. I know he's right but it's hard. If I stay busy with preparing for moving and stuff then I don't cry as much but admit, the moment I sit down and stop doing/thinking of everything I need to do then I sob. I'm sure you are giving your little one extra hugs. Maybe ask him for extra hugs too. Hang on tight to each other until you are a little stronger to start doing things. We'll be here. I come on here a lot so don't be afraid to do that too. Take care. Be well.   

[SoVerySad]

Whitney14, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my companion and best friend on May 30, also in an accident. I know the feeling of everything being ripped away, and the raw emotions swirl around constantly, and I ask WHY? every day. I hope that giving your son love and focus will help you as you help him. And comtinue to come here; I just started and it is helpful to hear the thoughts and words of others who understand what you are going through. Hugs.

[KayC]

Whitney, I am so sorry for your loss!  It is tremendous, you are not only dealing with the loss of him but also loss of dreams/future.  With every loss comes other losses with it, a father for your son, everything you'd planned together.  There is no fairness, it is abhorrent.  I asked "Why!" for about a year after the loss of my husband, I never got any resounding answers and finally quit asking. 

I'm glad you found this place.  It was a forum such as this that literally saved me as I found the bonds of total strangers who understood what I was going through meant the world to me, my own family, although they cared, did not have a clue.  How can one unless they've been through it themselves!  It helps to express yourself, and I hope you'll continue to come here to post/read.  We want to be here for you as you go through it.

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[SDC]

Whitney, I'm so sorry you lost your love suddenly at such a young age. It's grotesquely unfair. There is no answer to why it happened, even though your mind will fruitlessly work to try to understand the why. Early grief is brutal. They only people who get it are others who experienced a profound death. Right now you focus on existing hour by hour--and sometimes it feels like getting by minute by minute. Try to eat something healthy every day. Be sure to drink lots of water (weeping is dehydrating). Be extra careful & mindful when driving because you're more distracted than you realize. (I can't tell you the number of almost fender benders I had in the early days of my grief.) Don't let others tell you how you should behave or feel, and if someone isn't helpful, pull away and create space from them. Death, and I think especially sudden death, makes people greatly uncomfortable and often brings out the worst in people when you need their best. I love my love after an accident last year too (although I removed him from life support a week later because he suffered catastrophic brain injuries) and the people I expected the most support from pulled away and the people I expected the least from rose up. Hugs from an internet stranger.

[Whitney14]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Just trying to take things day by day. I’m also in school right now to try and take my mind off of things and it helps some. But on the ride to school and the ride home from school to pick my son up, I just drive and bawl my eyes out which is dangerous I know. It just doesn’t seem real to me that he is gone. I’ve found an in person grief support group about 45 mins away from me that I may try and go to once a week to see if it helps. 

[Shaina Mejia]

My fiancé just passed away 3 weeks ago on May 27. He was also 23 and we also have a 2 year old son as of tomorrow. The pain is endless and the days feel so much harder to get thru. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out to me. I understand how hard it is especially with a little one! 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Whitney14 said:

I’ve found an in person grief support group about 45 mins away from me that I may try and go to once a week to see if it helps. 

Just the fact that you are considering joining an in-person grief support group shows you have some courage and strength. And I think that taking good care of yourself and going to an adult support group may help you feel stronger as a mother. No doubt your son needs his mommy to be strong and healthy. Sounds like you are trying to be very responsible during a difficult time. That's a lot on your shoulders but you took a step in what is probably the right direction. If you want, please let us know how you are doing and what you decide. I think we are all relying on each other here and learning as we go along. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Whitney14 said:

I’ve found an in person grief support group about 45 mins away from me that I may try and go to once a week to see if it helps. 

I hope you do try it out and it helps you!  The only grief support group was 1 1/4 hours away from me and I already commuted 100 miles a day, it would have meant waiting two hours after work before driving home or coming back in on weekends and leaving my dog alone even more so I didn't go.  Years later, after collecting resources for many, many years, I started a local group, and loved doing it...before Covid hit.  When I see the need develop again, I will again start it back up!

10 hours ago, Shaina Mejia said:

My fiancé just passed away 3 weeks ago on May 27. He was also 23 and we also have a 2 year old son as of tomorrow. The pain is endless and the days feel so much harder to get thru. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out to me. I understand how hard it is especially with a little one! 

I am so sorry for your loss, not only loss of your fiance, but son's mom, and loss of your hopes/dreams, your tomorrow, it's a lot.  It does help to express yourself to others, even if only to vent, ask questions, know you're not alone in your feelings.  I do hope you'll continue to come here and read/post.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Whitney14]

11 hours ago, Shaina Mejia said:

My fiancé just passed away 3 weeks ago on May 27. He was also 23 and we also have a 2 year old son as of tomorrow. The pain is endless and the days feel so much harder to get thru. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out to me. I understand how hard it is especially with a little one! 

Oh my goodness I am so sorry. You understand the pain all too well then, and the similarities between both of our situations are crazy. My fiancé passed away only 5 days after. I would love to connect more with you if possible. 

11 hours ago, tnd said:

Just the fact that you are considering joining an in-person grief support group shows you have some courage and strength. And I think that taking good care of yourself and going to an adult support group may help you feel stronger as a mother. No doubt your son needs his mommy to be strong and healthy. Sounds like you are trying to be very responsible during a difficult time. That's a lot on your shoulders but you took a step in what is probably the right direction. If you want, please let us know how you are doing and what you decide. I think we are all relying on each other here and learning as we go along. 

The support group doesn’t start meeting until July 11th but goes all the way until October. I will definitely keep you all updated on my journey. It’s from 6-8pm on sundays and we will have a workbook and everything. I hope this helps the pain somewhat. 

[KayC]

I hope so too, I think it will help you a lot.  Hang in there until then!  

[tnd]

On 6/17/2021 at 9:51 AM, Whitney14 said:

The support group doesn’t start meeting until July 11th but goes all the way until October. I will definitely keep you all updated on my journey. It’s from 6-8pm on sundays and we will have a workbook and everything. I hope this helps the pain somewhat. 

Well you've got us until your in-person group starts meeting. Maybe if you are up to it later on you will be able to share with us how you feel about the group or what you learn from them. I'm going to be moving to a very rural area so don't know if there will be an in-person group there. I am kind of hoping so because I think it could be a good idea to join one. Right now I am not feeling up to meeting new people in-person, especially about my feelings and yet I know it would probably be a good idea and a healthy one. But I will have the group here (thank goodness they make it easy to "talk" and of course, my brother and sister in-law that I will be living with. That's why I applaud you for reaching out to an in-person group during this most difficult time. You've taken a step. That is something.  

[Whitney14]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

Well you've got us until your in-person group starts meeting. Maybe if you are up to it later on you will be able to share with us how you feel about the group or what you learn from them. I'm going to be moving to a very rural area so don't know if there will be an in-person group there. I am kind of hoping so because I think it could be a good idea to join one. Right now I am not feeling up to meeting new people in-person, especially about my feelings and yet I know it would probably be a good idea and a healthy one. But I will have the group here (thank goodness they make it easy to "talk" and of course, my brother and sister in-law that I will be living with. That's why I applaud you for reaching out to an in-person group during this most difficult time. You've taken a step. That is something.  

I really don’t know that I’m ready for an in person group now that I think more about it. Talking about things in person with complete strangers I feel like may upset me more. Especially since everything is so fresh...

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Whitney14 said:

I really don’t know that I’m ready for an in person group now that I think more about it. Talking about things in person with complete strangers I feel like may upset me more. Especially since everything is so fresh...

Whitney14:  Your the only one that will know when the time is right. You've researched it and know when the meetings are so you can always join them later. Meanwhile you've got this group here...everyone is so very supportive. I am grateful for that! I was posting earlier today about if/when I will ever be able to keep myself composed when telling someone for the first time about my husband passing. Right now I can't seem to do it. I know I would only breakdown and stand there sobbing. If I had to tell people that were close to us that would be one thing but neighbors or casual acquaintances is another. Almost sounds like you are feeling the same way...that the in-person group are strangers and it could be uncomfortable. Yes, I think it would be uncomfortable but it probably would be for everyone in that group. Yes, they are strangers but they are all grieving and that is why they are there. Whereas people we see in our day-to-day life but not personally close to are not exactly strangers but, they are not grieving a loss like you are. I'd rather open up amongst the support group. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Whitney14 said:

Talking about things in person with complete strangers I feel like may upset me more.

Tell the leader you do NOT want to talk yet, maybe just listen, it helps to know there are others that "get it" and maybe even get a hug if allowable where you are.

[Courthw]

On 6/15/2021 at 8:30 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Your young son needs you, and although it is so hard to tend to his needs while you are brokenhearted, he may also give your mind a bit of relief from the crushing pain of your grief. 

I agree so much with this. When my husband died, I moved in with my sister who has a three year old son. It was so incredibly helpful to be near my nephew during those first few days after my husband's death. He brought joy to me when I thought there was no joy left in the world. Your son definitely needs you, but you need him just as much. 

[Whitney14]

9 minutes ago, Courthw said:

I agree so much with this. When my husband died, I moved in with my sister who has a three year old son. It was so incredibly helpful to be near my nephew during those first few days after my husband's death. He brought joy to me when I thought there was no joy left in the world. Your son definitely needs you, but you need him just as much. 

Sometimes I feel like I need my son more than he needs me right now. He definitely brings so much peace and joy to my life during this horribly dark time. Earlier this morning he was playing with his cars and toy kitchen set, and was playing with my fiancé too. I got a video of him talking to him the whole time. I asked him if he felt that he was with him or if he could actually see my fiancé. He said he could feel him near. I instantly sobbed. He still talks about him constantly and says that he wants to go to the sky and see him. It’s so sweet and heartbreaking all at once. 

[KayC]

I am so glad you have him.  We need to find what our incentive is to go on...mine is my puppy now.

[Mayluna]

Hi Withney❤️
we hear you and we feel with you! It’s not fair what happened and it makes no sense! I lost my 22 year old partner, January 7 this year, also in a car accident. 
nothing is gonna make sense and you will probably feel a bunch of feelings that are overwhelming and “ugly” but remember that they are valid and you can give yourself the space you need to feel them. 
If somebody sais something to you, you don’t like, just tell them to **** off. It’s your loss, so the only way to properly grieve is yours.  I say this bc people say a lot of stupid and absolutely harmfull things bc they get uncomfortable or are just dumb. 
 

I hope you take minute by minute. And if in a moment everything seems to lack sense even life itself just try to breathe. And if you can I would recommend you to find a therapist. So you have always a safespace to talk, crie or scream. There are a lot of therapist and grief counselors so try to go to one that makes you feel save and comfortable. 
And remember there is no right way to grieve and it will never make sense. 
Grief never ends. But even if it makes no sense that the world keeps spinning and people keep talking about holidays and other ****. You will find a way to be alive, even in the moment you only want to be with your loved one.
i still have lost of anxiety attaks and the whole package but I also have moments of joy. 
i hope people around you validate every fucking feeling you feel and you will always find a place to vent here. 
love❤️❤️❤️

Sorry for my spelling errors. English is not my first language. ❤️