Fiancé's death has left me terribly conflicted

[Xiisoleh]

I'm writing from the UK. My fiancé Saron died two weeks ago from a heart attack aged just 36. My parents both died in 2015, and I have no other relatives; my father's unexpected death hit me particularly hard. For three years I just drifted through life with no direction, until I met Saron, a Brazilian sailor, and for the first time since I lost my parents I felt hopeful about the future. He was the most loving, intelligent, kind and fun man I'd ever known. Saron spent nearly a year in the UK with me, then had to go back to Brazil when his visa expired, and got stuck there when the pandemic broke out and travel was banned. I hadn't seen him since February 2020, although we were in touch constantly and I never felt he was far away. The process of bringing a foreign fiancé to the UK is long, difficult and expensive at the best of times, and Saron had taken what turned out to be a very unpleasant and dangerous job on an oil tanker in the Amazon to try to earn enough money to come back. When I received the news of his death, my world crumbled around me for the second time, and all I could think about was his shattered dreams of a new life in Europe, and my shattered future. Just thinking about the future was like staring into a gaping, bottomless abyss. His mother, who had refused a post mortem and completely misunderstood the visa process, blamed me for not getting him back to the UK and thus somehow preventing his death. I was of course unable to go to the funeral or play any part in the arrangements relating to his death. A week after his death, the news also reached me that for three months he had been having an affair with a local woman who is now pregnant, and also that he had lied to me about the amount of money he was earning: a tenth of what he had claimed. It also seems that his heart attack was caused by pharmaceutical drugs he'd bought in Colombia to try to sell in Brazil to make extra money, and had started taking to try to stay awake during night shifts. His family seemed to derive a perverse satisfaction from imparting the news of the affair to me, and even gave the woman my phone number so that she could express her condolences for my loss! I trusted Saron implicitly and had never suspected that he might do something like this. In a burst of anger I put all his belongings in bin bags and put them in the garage, but since then (for the last week) I have felt nothing but a dreadful, empty sorrow, and terrible guilt that somehow I drove him to his demise. I can barely even cry. I have lost my appetite and a lot of weight, I can't go to work, and every night I go to bed hoping I won't wake up in the morning. I feel terribly conflicted by the loss, shock, betrayal, and terrible feeling of guilt that I should have done more to get him back to the UK. I feel as though I am hanging by a thread. 

[Rupi]

This sounds incredibly challenging on so, so many levels. Im so sorry you were shut out of the arrangements and weren’t able to be a part of that. You don’t need to speak to this other person if you don’t want to, must be a huge huge shock to hear about an affair retrospectively, it’s extremely cruel of the mum to have given your details out, and I don’t think it’s helpful to consider that right now (but obvi do whatever you need to do, just saying I think you have more than enough on your plate). I’m sure you know you didn’t cause anything deep down, please don’t put that on yourself and fixate on details, they are wrong to say it was because he hadn’t returned the the U.K., like you said it was unfortunately these drugs and the overall difficulties he was in. it sounds like he made a lot of choices which ended badly. It also sounds like he was really trying to make the best of his situation and was trying to be creative about getting back to you, but things went wrong, and it’s a terrible tragedy. One that is in no way your fault though.

 

also about his wage being different-   People often make up nonsense to try and impress people they fancy, that’s classic male ego innit haha he probably just got stuck in the lie after he said whatever to you at the beginning, he’s certainly not the first person to do that. However that doesn’t mean your connection wasn’t genuine and definitely doesn’t mean your grief and love isn’t real. Don’t let any of the family invalidate you, they are lashing out so maybe set some boundaries to keep yourself safe, there’s no excuse for them to extend anything other than kindness and compassion to you though at this awful time because it’s absolutely not your fault that he passed away. Those wonderful moments you shared together still happened. 
 

you sound like a really kind and thoughtful person. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And yes the U.K. immigration system is horrendous. 
 

ive lost a partner about three weeks ago too. Well a month on the 20th. Everything is hard. I am staying at my best friends place because I can’t bear to go back to my flat rn.

I believe we will be ok one day though. I’m so sorry to hear about your previous loss of your parents, so heartbreaking and unfair. Please reach out and find care community and support wherever you can, whether that’s counselling, Talk for Health programme, colleagues, friends, whatever feels right. You don’t need to hold everything alone and you deserve to be supported in this awful time xx

 

[Gail 8588]

Xiisoleh, 

I am so sorry for all that you are going through.  It is too much to bear.  Of course you are conflicted, confused, devastated and so much more, all at once. 

All of those feelings are justified.  This is tragic on so many different levels. 

I hope you can find a good grief counselor to help you through all of these issues. 

Try to be kind to yourself.  Eat some nutritious food each day, drink water, get some sleep, or at least rest.  Grief is exhausting, and even more so with all of these additional layers piled on. 

None of this is your fault. I know that is little consolation when you see your future destroyed. But heaping guilt on yourself is not helpful and is undeserved. 

I am so sorry for your loss and for all the revelations that came after. 

Gail

[Xiisoleh]

4 hours ago, Rupi said:

This sounds incredibly challenging on so, so many levels. Im so sorry you were shut out of the arrangements and weren’t able to be a part of that. You don’t need to speak to this other person if you don’t want to, must be a huge huge shock to hear about an affair retrospectively, it’s extremely cruel of the mum to have given your details out, and I don’t think it’s helpful to consider that right now (but obvi do whatever you need to do, just saying I think you have more than enough on your plate). I’m sure you know you didn’t cause anything deep down, please don’t put that on yourself and fixate on details, they are wrong to say it was because he hadn’t returned the the U.K., like you said it was unfortunately these drugs and the overall difficulties he was in. it sounds like he made a lot of choices which ended badly. It also sounds like he was really trying to make the best of his situation and was trying to be creative about getting back to you, but things went wrong, and it’s a terrible tragedy. One that is in no way your fault though.

 

also about his wage being different-   People often make up nonsense to try and impress people they fancy, that’s classic male ego innit haha he probably just got stuck in the lie after he said whatever to you at the beginning, he’s certainly not the first person to do that. However that doesn’t mean your connection wasn’t genuine and definitely doesn’t mean your grief and love isn’t real. Don’t let any of the family invalidate you, they are lashing out so maybe set some boundaries to keep yourself safe, there’s no excuse for them to extend anything other than kindness and compassion to you though at this awful time because it’s absolutely not your fault that he passed away. Those wonderful moments you shared together still happened. 
 

you sound like a really kind and thoughtful person. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And yes the U.K. immigration system is horrendous. 
 

ive lost a partner about three weeks ago too. Well a month on the 20th. Everything is hard. I am staying at my best friends place because I can’t bear to go back to my flat rn.

I believe we will be ok one day though. I’m so sorry to hear about your previous loss of your parents, so heartbreaking and unfair. Please reach out and find care community and support wherever you can, whether that’s counselling, Talk for Health programme, colleagues, friends, whatever feels right. You don’t need to hold everything alone and you deserve to be supported in this awful time xx

 

I'm so sorry you have lost a partner as well. None of my friends has, and with the best will in the world they can't understand what it's like, which is why I joined this site. feel exactly the same about not wanting to go home!! I spent about a fortnight mostly sleeping away from home. I have blocked my fiancé's family on social media and don't intend to have any more contact with them. 

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Xiisoleh, 

I am so sorry for all that you are going through.  It is too much to bear.  Of course you are conflicted, confused, devastated and so much more, all at once. 

All of those feelings are justified.  This is tragic on so many different levels. 

I hope you can find a good grief counselor to help you through all of these issues. 

Try to be kind to yourself.  Eat some nutritious food each day, drink water, get some sleep, or at least rest.  Grief is exhausting, and even more so with all of these additional layers piled on. 

None of this is your fault. I know that is little consolation when you see your future destroyed. But heaping guilt on yourself is not helpful and is undeserved. 

I am so sorry for your loss and for all the revelations that came after. 

Gail

Thank you for your kind reply. I'm just trying to make sense of everything, but I can't get my head round any of it. It's still all like a horrible dream 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Xiisoleh said:

I'm writing from the UK. My fiancé Saron died two weeks ago from a heart attack aged just 36. My parents both died in 2015, and I have no other relatives; my father's unexpected death hit me particularly hard. For three years I just drifted through life with no direction, until I met Saron, a Brazilian sailor, and for the first time since I lost my parents I felt hopeful about the future. He was the most loving, intelligent, kind and fun man I'd ever known. Saron spent nearly a year in the UK with me, then had to go back to Brazil when his visa expired, and got stuck there when the pandemic broke out and travel was banned. I hadn't seen him since February 2020, although we were in touch constantly and I never felt he was far away. The process of bringing a foreign fiancé to the UK is long, difficult and expensive at the best of times, and Saron had taken what turned out to be a very unpleasant and dangerous job on an oil tanker in the Amazon to try to earn enough money to come back. When I received the news of his death, my world crumbled around me for the second time, and all I could think about was his shattered dreams of a new life in Europe, and my shattered future. Just thinking about the future was like staring into a gaping, bottomless abyss. His mother, who had refused a post mortem and completely misunderstood the visa process, blamed me for not getting him back to the UK and thus somehow preventing his death. I was of course unable to go to the funeral or play any part in the arrangements relating to his death. A week after his death, the news also reached me that for three months he had been having an affair with a local woman who is now pregnant, and also that he had lied to me about the amount of money he was earning: a tenth of what he had claimed. It also seems that his heart attack was caused by pharmaceutical drugs he'd bought in Colombia to try to sell in Brazil to make extra money, and had started taking to try to stay awake during night shifts. His family seemed to derive a perverse satisfaction from imparting the news of the affair to me, and even gave the woman my phone number so that she could express her condolences for my loss! I trusted Saron implicitly and had never suspected that he might do something like this. In a burst of anger I put all his belongings in bin bags and put them in the garage, but since then (for the last week) I have felt nothing but a dreadful, empty sorrow, and terrible guilt that somehow I drove him to his demise. I can barely even cry. I have lost my appetite and a lot of weight, I can't go to work, and every night I go to bed hoping I won't wake up in the morning. I feel terribly conflicted by the loss, shock, betrayal, and terrible feeling of guilt that I should have done more to get him back to the UK. I feel as though I am hanging by a thread. 

OMG, you could not make this up, it's horrible!  All of the things you've been through, all of the emotions you must be dealing with!  You may be wondering who this man was that you were with!  I just want to say that people can be complex and keep things from us, it doesn't mean he didn't have feelings for you, it meant he was conflicted to a point and had other facets you weren't made aware of.  Try not to pay mind to his family, block the other gal, why would she think you'd want to hear from her!  Do whatever makes YOU feel best!  I encourage you to get grief counseling if they have it there.  My heart goes out to you, the pain you are in.  You have been through more than enough and did not deserve what you got.  None of this is your fault!  I am so sorry you have no family, I hope you have some friends.  You did not drive him to anything, you gave your all to/for him!  

Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt and Regret in Grief

By the way, just because one FEELS guilt does NOT make them guilty of anything!  It is a common early grief feeling we go through...undeserved, I might add.  None of us have the benefit of hindsight beforehand!

Address Guilt When Grieving
Guilt Article Links
I am so sorry for your immense losses and want to welcome you here, we want to be here for you as you go through this.  
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

Rupi, I am so sorry for your loss.  I am glad you weighed in here, it helps so much for people to know they are not alone (or crazy) in what they are going through and feeling.  I do hope you will continue to come here and read/post.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Xiisoleh]

28 minutes ago, KayC said:

Rupi, I am so sorry for your loss.  I am glad you weighed in here, it helps so much for people to know they are not alone (or crazy) in what they are going through and feeling.  I do hope you will continue to come here and read/post.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Thank you Kay for your support. You're right: you couldn't make it up!! It's the stuff of some ghastly soap opera, and last week each day seemed to bring a new and unwelcome revelation. Saron was a wonderful person, and I know how much he loved me, but in the last few months of his life he somehow got himself into an awful mess. The reason I feel guilty is that I had always had certain reservations about our relationship, and specifically marriage. I know no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect, but I was brought up to believe that marriage is for life, and there were certain things that didn't feel quite right. Bringing someone to the UK is extremely difficult - marriage is the only way - and for various reasons Saron already had rather a weak application. I wanted to be 110% sure before making the commitment, so when he got what I was led to believe was an extremely lucrative year's contract, it seemed like an excellent opportunity to gather together enough money and for me to make absolutely certain that it was what I wanted to do. I now feel that if I'd ignored my reservations and just gone through with it, he might be alive now. This is why I feel so conflicted ☹️

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Xiisoleh said:

there were certain things that didn't feel quite right.

That is your inner intuition warning you and good to pay heed to.  It doesn't make him a bad person...but certainly not ready for commitment and IMO, unworthy of YOU!  I would not want to marry someone who would cheat on me.  Another red flag is you making all of the sacrifices and it does seem weighted in that direction.  I'm sure he has wonderful qualities otherwise you would not have picked him but people are a mixture and it's a matter of trade-offs...what we can personally accept, what is important to us.  For myself, loyalty is huge. 

Your feeling the following statement is common in early grief as we go through all the "what ifs" in an effort to find a different possible outcome as the one that happened seems so unacceptable to us!  It does NOT mean you did anything wrong, however!

 

22 hours ago, Xiisoleh said:

I now feel that if I'd ignored my reservations and just gone through with it, he might be alive now. This is why I feel so conflicted ☹️

 

[Rupi]

You didn’t do anything wrong. I just want to be clear about this. A million things contribute to any circumstances whether a death or a within life. None of us can ever truly know whether us doing something differently may have eased us or kept our loved ones a bit safer because what has happened has happened. It’s not your fault either way. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing these conflicted feelings it’s natura though. Fixating on details and blaming ourselves is peak bereavement, as in, typical of nearly everyone’s experience after losing a loved one. I found it comforting going through the different threads and seeing how literally everyone has some sort of guilt however different the circumstances of death all may be, this sort of cemented it for me that it is just the way our minds pump out these narratives which are just part of the process but need to be acknowledged but I’m trying to accept that my mind is playing tricks on me and actually I did everything I could with the information I had, any small detail which messes with me now is just me trying to fix the unfixable. It’s okay to feel conflicted you just have to try and distract and soothe and one day you will hopefully believe you aren’t at fault in any way. So many things are so beyond our control. Take all the care pls