An impulse to get rid of everything.

[Beau]

I'm somewhat mentally ready to move and pack Annemarie's things. Still unsure if I'm going to move out of this country or out of this house, but there's really no point on carrying around everything to pack and unpack if she's not coming with us.

I don't want to inspect every single piece of clothing or trinket, because I won't be able to give anything away.

Her mother told me she didn't want to keep anything. I already have the one thing that almost feel like a need. Since our baby is a boy, I don't really think he'll have much use for stuff like her clothes or fantasy jewelry... because she didn't have any other kind.

So, the way I might approach this is to hold my breath for as long as I can and grab everything quickly, put it in boxes and get it done fast. I don't know if I can do it slowly and patiently. I've always prefered to jump into the water than dipping my toe and have time to refigister if its deep or cold. 

Will it be okay and not a terrible mistake if I don't look at her things carefully? Is it a very bad idea to get rid of everything? 

[KayC]

I encourage you to save something for your baby that he can have of his mother's, something she treasured.  I want my son to have my husband's wedding band when I die, and my daughter to have mine.  Keep something of hers for yourself, what I treasure is my husband's bathrobe, I hold it when I need to hold him. 

I know someone who threw away everything of their wife's after they died...I think that's a mistake.  #1, no one is fully able to think with clarity when they're in early grief.  Common advice is to do nothing major in the first year...I'd extend that to three.  That doesn't mean hanging on to everything.  I had to sell his car as I couldn't afford the payments, same with his cellphone.  His closet rod broke a couple weeks after he died, I took it as a sign and boxed up his clothes, sending a sweater to each of his grown kids.  I sent his baptismal certificate to his daughter and his Bible to his son.  His brother tried to take valuables that were already long gone...I told him if he wanted something to remember him by he could have one of his hospital bills (no one in his family helped me with anything and were out to get what they could).  I am surprised her mom wants nothing.  My mom started throwing everything of my dad's away the second she got home from his funeral.  We were shocked.  I don't know if she ever regretted it.  She was always mental anyway, so perhaps not.  She was not like other people...ever.

I held onto George's clothes (boxed up) a couple of months and then donated them to Sponsors, I think that's where he would have wanted them to go, to help others, that's how he was, always a heart for down-and-out-ers.

I still carry his driver's license in my wallet.

[SDC]

My only advice is to save some of Annemarie's things for your son. Don't assume he won't want tangibles that belonged to his mom. Think of a couple (or few) things that she  favored/felt sentimentality attached to--no matter what they are--and set them aside for him. They could be simple things: a preferred t-shirt, trinket, cheap bracelet, etc.  Over time you give him those things: "This was mommy's favorite t-shirt. She loved this color blue (or she got at a music festival we went to or she loved how soft it was or she said it reminded her of ___ because ____ ,  whatever). Since your boy will only know what you (& others) tell him about his mom it will be important for him to hold something(s) that she also held in her hands. He can always decide to get rid of them when he's older, but give him the option to make that choice. 

[Diane R. E.]

Hi Beau; I'm so very sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I think it is ok if you quickly pack away Annemarie's things, but like Kay said, I would not get rid of them so early in your grief process. I recommend clear plastic bins that you can store in a closet or under a bed. At some point you may want to go through them more carefully. I ended up donating some of my husband's nicer clothes that I didn't have an emotional connection with as he didn't wear them very often. I still have everything else of his (packed away), and it's comforting to know they are there. (I'm just a little over the 8 month mark.) SDC also gave wise advice in my opinion. (((Hugs)))

[Sweet Jane]

Hi Beau,

I feel your pain. I'm an impatient sort myself. However, I'd recommend if you are in doubt that this is the right way to go, then wait. There is no way to escape the pain processing her things will bring up. Maybe start by trimming around the edges of your wife's possessions, giving away to charity the things that don't bring up any feelings for you, a box or two at a time. Then, as you are ready, continue the process. If you choke up over something, just set it aside, you can give it away later. If you are able to separate your feelings from her things, then go ahead and do it. What I found is that now that I'm a year out I'm glad I didn't give in to the impulse to just get rid of everything, as there are so few of my husband's things left and I treasure having them to hold on to (because there is not an overwhelming amount). Most of all, listen to your heart. 

 

[Gail 8588]

Beau,

I'll chime in my 2 cents too, but I agree with Sweet Jane, follow your heart. 

I recommend you save a few things of hers as you may find you want to touch and hold them in the months ahead.  They don't have to be big, but it is good if they are personal.  A head scarf she liked, her hair brush, a pin she wore, perfume she used, colored pencils with a little sketch or doodle she drew.  When your son is older, he may really treasure holding the hair brush she used or some art she made.  Some tangible connection to her as a living being, not just a photograph.

Also, you may want to consider that her brother might want a small remembrance.  In the case of my husband, there was an easy gift I could make to family members and close friends.  My husband played harmonica and over 40 years he had purchased hundreds of them.  (We were pack rats and never threw things away.)  Each person I gave a harmonica to really cherished that it was something John used making the music he loved. It meant a lot to them.

I totally understand your desire to get out from under the weight of her possessions, especially if you move, but take the time to hold a few things back for yourself, your son and a few special others.  

This is just my suggestion, whatever you choose to do will be just fine.

Gail

[foreverhis]

Hi Beau.  It really is a painful and emotional conflict between having everything around and reminding us all the time and imagining all of it gone.  The only things I got rid of immediately were all the items related to my husband's cancer.  I had the "luxury" of not having to make decisions right away.  I went through his clothes, saving items for me, our daughter, and our granddaughter, after only a few weeks because we'd had a fit of optimism and bought him new stuff.  I returned it for the refund to help pay for his cremation.  I didn't do anything else for a while and to this day have not tackled most of his workshop.

My suggestion is to consider boxing up everything without going through it, but not giving it away just yet.  That way it would not be in your sight all the time, yet you'll have the option to go through it later.  Or you could find the things that are most important to you without going through everything else.  Maybe make a list, especially including things your son might find comforting as he gets older, gather those things separately.  Then you could box up and give away everything else without looking at each item.  I understand your conflict; I've been through some of that myself.  However, I am concerned that 6 months or 5 years from now, you may regret your impulse to get rid of everything while your grief is so raw and new.  As well, brain fog from grief often makes it hard to think things through.

Whatever you decide to do, I urge you to make sure you keep some things for your son's sake.  He will want to have physical, tangible connections to her.  That might be where making a list could be useful.  You could focus only on gathering items you put on the list, rather than feeling like you need to look at everything and make a decision.

I'm surprised that her mother doesn't want any sort of mementos.  Then again, she sounds like a real piece of work overall. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

I ended up donating some of my husband's nicer clothes that I didn't have an emotional connection with as he didn't wear them very often. I still have everything else of his (packed away), and it's comforting to know they are there.

George had this ratty old t-shirt that he loved to wear.  It was short and stretched wide and had holes all over it.  He thought it comfortable.  Normally he was a dapper dresser, but not with this t-shirt!  I encouraged him to get rid of it to no avail.  When he died, guess what I wanted to hang onto!    It's amazing the things that hit us when they die.

20 hours ago, Sweet Jane said:

Hi Beau,

I feel your pain. I'm an impatient sort myself. However, I'd recommend if you are in doubt that this is the right way to go, then wait. There is no way to escape the pain processing her things will bring up. Maybe start by trimming around the edges of your wife's possessions, giving away to charity the things that don't bring up any feelings for you, a box or two at a time. Then, as you are ready, continue the process. If you choke up over something, just set it aside, you can give it away later. If you are able to separate your feelings from her things, then go ahead and do it. What I found is that now that I'm a year out I'm glad I didn't give in to the impulse to just get rid of everything, as there are so few of my husband's things left and I treasure having them to hold on to (because there is not an overwhelming amount). Most of all, listen to your heart. 

 

Welcome here!  You've made it through your first year!  I felt I deserved a trophy when I hit that benchmark although it's not over by any means.  So here's a trophy for making it through all of the firsts without (first Christmas/birthday/New Year's/etc.).  I also want to give you my article to save/print as this is an ever-evolving journey and what hits you now will be different from on down the road. 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Beau]

Thank you everyone for the input. I will wait and think things more carefully. 

Annemarie was rarely attached to things and rarely expressed fondness for objects. Her ¨thing¨ were her plants, which I am trying very hard to keep alive. I'm already failing with one. 

The only thing that I will always associate with her, and that I consider precious now is a her gold medal of Saint Anthony and the Christ Child. She never took off, when she was stressed or thinking about something important, I would always find her hand reaching for the medal . I've been wearing it for her, and I imagine that when he's old enough to take care of it, I will give it to our son. 

Another thing I'm keeping for him is the list of baby names she wrote by hand. We were going to decide on his name after meeting him, because the selection process was all over the place. It was one of the last things I remember she held. 

I will wait and go over things slowly... someday. I'm truly scared of making it a process, because even if she didn't think her belongings were particularly important, to let go of her things is like slowly deconstructing our lives and affirming that she is never coming back. Just looking at them makes me emotional, going through an inventory of sorts is probably not doable. I guess it won't be necessary until or unless we move.

As for her mother not wanting something, I think that she's comfortable with the things she does have. Everything from her babyhood until we got married. She has contempt for the life I offered Annemarie. To me it was more like the life we built together, but her mother has her ways of understanding things. To her, everything that we had together was not the life Annemarie deserved or was supposed to have. In her perfect world, Annemarie would be alive but also with someone rich, successful, with an important name and generally everything I'm not, so the things that she had with me don't mean much to her. 

All things considered, I'm glad she has those things, and they are completely hers... the baby shoes, the dolls, the cotillion dresses, the graduation cap. Because my son will be able to see those things one day. Because at least I do know she doesn't have contempt for my son. This being the only reason I still talk to her now. 

I didn't ask her brother if he wants something, just because he's very serious about his vows of poverty and I don't think that man owns something other than his toothbrush. I don't know how that works. Maybe this is a good time to ask. 

[Gail 8588]

32 minutes ago, Beau said:

. .  . . Her ¨thing¨ were her plants, which I am trying very hard to keep alive. I'm already failing with one.  

Beau, 

Maybe it's the flower pot her plants are in that will be a keepsake.   I am terrible at keeping plants alive too. 

I love the list of baby names and the Saint Anthony medal. 

Gail 

 

 

 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Beau said:

The only thing that I will always associate with her, and that I consider precious now is a her gold medal of Saint Anthony and the Christ Child. She never took off, when she was stressed or thinking about something important, I would always find her hand reaching for the medal . I've been wearing it for her, and I imagine that when he's old enough to take care of it, I will give it to our son. 

IMO, this is the single most important thing for you to keep.  It can help comfort you and make you feel a connection now and it will almost certainly be meaningful to your son. 

When my husband was in the hospital, I started wearing his wedding ring on the chain along with the "fight cancer" emblems I got for us.  After he died, I took it off that chain and put it on the gold chain with a gold pendant he got for me once "just because" (I'm not much of a jewelry girl, so that was a pretty big deal).  I wear them all the time, except when I'm exercising, doing yard chores, or showering.  I was taking them off at night, but I don't even do that now.  It's comparatively heavy, but I don't feel the weight of it because it's a part of him that is near my heart.

(You probably know this, but I thought I'd mention that I believe Saint Anthony is the patron saint of missing things.  If I'm remembering that correctly, it seems even more apropos that you would wear her medal.)

I love that you are keeping the list of baby names too.  That will be so special for your son later.  Being able to hold and see exactly how much his mother loved him even before he was born is priceless.

I'm glad you are going to wait a bit more before giving things away.  You may well decide that it's the right thing to do, but now is not the best time for hard choices.  Grief brain fog is a real thing that almost all of us experience.  If you do end up moving, then of course you will have to make those decisions, but even just a little way down the road will give you a better perspective for that.

[tnd]

On 6/14/2021 at 8:30 AM, Beau said:

Will it be okay and not a terrible mistake if I don't look at her things carefully? Is it a very bad idea to get rid of everything? 

I feel the same way about my husband's things. I just want this part to be over with. I will keep but a few momentos that I know he cherished but get rid of everything else. But for now, since he only passed last week and knowing I probably am not quite thinking straight right now, I'm not going to do anything with his stuff. Besides, I have a month or so before I have to move in with my brother. 

If I may make a suggestion....Although I grew up with both my parents and they didn't pass until their older age, I have since found myself wishing I had more pictures of them, particularly in their younger age and youth. In regards to your son, if you have pictures of his mother I would suggest you keep some for his sake, if not for your own. Perhaps you can get a small decorative box, something you could call a "keepsake box" and put a few of your wife's personal effects in that to keep. I wish you peace and comfort with this process. Hope it won't become any harder than it already is. 

[KayC]

I feel exactly what Gail wrote.  I realize you're putting thought into this and understand your reasoning, I just didn't want you to act on impulse and regret it, it doesn't sound like you are.  Just be aware of grief fog that we have in early grief (early can  mean early YEARS, not mere days).

[Beau]

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

You probably know this, but I thought I'd mention that I believe Saint Anthony is the patron saint of missing things.  If I'm remembering that correctly, it seems even more apropos that you would wear her medal.

Yes, he's also the saint who supposedly intercedes for difficult miracles. Last Sunday was the Feast of Saint Anthony and decided I should return to hear mass. I actually asked God to help me stay alive without her, and I will call that my difficult miracle.

 

16 hours ago, tnd said:

If I may make a suggestion....Although I grew up with both my parents and they didn't pass until their older age, I have since found myself wishing I had more pictures of them, particularly in their younger age and youth.

Yes. The pictures are different than other types of belongings, and I'll keep every single one of them. The bad ones, the out of focus ones, the overexposed ones. We took a lot of bad pictures, and the occassional good ones.

44 minutes ago, KayC said:

I just didn't want you to act on impulse and regret it

Thank you, I appreciate the good insight. I'm glad I asked before making a questionable choice.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Beau said:

. I actually asked God to help me stay alive without her, and I will call that my difficult miracle.

(((hugs))) and may He grant you that!

[jwahlquist]

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer really.  My husband was always a pack rat and kept EVERYTHING!   I still haven’t figured out what to do with everything yet.   His clothes were easier as I knew his best friend would appreciate his favorite sports teams items.   My daughter chose the items that meant the most to her and I kept some items.  But most of the rest of it my cousin packed up and donated for me.   It was nice to have someone who was willing to help with that part as I think it would have been really hard to do on my own.   The rest of his Knick knacks and other assorted things I have a hard time deciding what to do with.  There are things I know that he loved like the huge Lego sets we assembled as a family and large collection of beer glasses.   I am not in love with any of those things but at the same time the emotional attachment is what keeps me from deciding.  It has been a year and a half now and somedays I still feel stuck.  

[tnd]

2 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

There are things I know that he loved like the huge Lego sets we assembled as a family and large collection of beer glasses.   I am not in love with any of those things but at the same time the emotional attachment is what keeps me from deciding.  It has been a year and a half now and somedays I still feel stuck.  

jwahlquist:  I think this one is a hard one for everybody. Glad you had help with donating some of his clothes. Three years went by and no one had helped my husband with his first (late) wife's things. So he didn't touch any of it. Then we met. So I helped him with it. I remember he felt better about donating her clothes to a thrift store that raises money for an orphanage because he said that's what she would have wanted. I had no idea of knowing that but was not surprised. My husband had been adopted and he was a very giving person and from what he told me about her, so was she. So I thought that the store would be a good place. Now it is my husband who is gone. He wasn't a clothes horse, basically just a handful of items. He pretty much wore the same shirts every day, just in different colors. All with khaki pants. Guess that will make it easy for me. Not a lot good enough to donate,  really. And he didn't collect things. I think I can probably put some of his personal items that mean something to me in a decorative box and just keep that. Along with photos. I have one of our wedding photos displayed on a dresser and will always keep that -on the dresser. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

 It has been a year and a half now and somedays I still feel stuck.  

And that's okay, there's no expiration date when things have to be done.  

tnd, you were a godsend for your husband to help him with those things!