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Loss of adult son


Lisa M.

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Michael, B's pup is awesome, Minnie is a bullmastiff, she currently weighs 154, but is on a diet, :), gained a few pounds during covid.  And Yes, the picture opened. Bruno is a Mastiff, correct?

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Michael Rodriguez

he is an old english mastiff . ever so often i will drive B's jeep, and when i get home he runs out barking all excited waiting on B to come out of the car, so sad......they used to sleep together ....whenever B had a girl over , it was a nightmare. he is quite a character. B would take him all over the place , we try to do the same but it is not the same !!!! but we spoil him yet i know he misses B

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Danielle Masata

Michael, our dog is just like that.  She so loved when Patrick came home and squealed.  She knew he'd want to play and she couldn't wait.  A few months ago, when Patrick's roommate came over for a few things, I had him squeal so our dog could hear that joyous sound again.  But it just wasn't the same. I think the roommate forgot (as did I) to call our dog "Double Goose" which isn't really her name, just the one Patrick only used.

I'm so very, very sad.  Today is such beautiful weather: cool and crisp, with a little touch of fall in the air.  I know Patrick would love it.  Normally, he'd get hot especially if he had been out exercising, but not today.  I just can't stop thinking of our dear son and still can't believe he is gone forever.  Some days, I go back to earlier daily calendars to help me remember what I used to do.  Last year was so weird with the pandemic and my schedule was all whacko, so I go back two years ago to try to get my mind reset. Ever do that? 

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Michael Rodriguez
3 minutes ago, Danielle Masata said:

Michael, our dog is just like that.  She so loved when Patrick came home and squealed.  She knew he'd want to play and she couldn't wait.  A few months ago, when Patrick's roommate was coming over for a few things, I had squeal.  It just wasn't the same. I think he even forgot (as did I) to call our dog "Double Goose" which isn't really her name, just the one Patrick only used.

I'm so very, very sad.  Today is such beautiful weather: cool and crisp, with a little touch of fall in the air.  I know Patrick would love it.  Normally, he'd get hot especially if he had been out exercising, but not today.  I just can't stop thinking of our dear son and still can't believe he is gone forever.  Some days, I go back to earlier daily calendars to help me remember what I used to do.  Last year was so weird with the pandemic and my schedule was all whacko, so I go back two years ago to try to get my mind reset. Ever do that? 

every single day ......ill listen to a song that he liked and i go back in time , maybe both of us coming back from work together , and i can even picture what he is wearing and what part of the road it was and i swear ican even hear him sing.......God , do i miss him!!!!!!

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I don't know why things have gotten so much harder, as the days go by my heart hurts more than ever.  The other night I was so down in the dumps I started listening to voicemails I kept from Mike,  I couldn't believe I could hear his voice.  I want him back!!!!!!!!  Hi Mom, just driving home from work, no plans tonight if you get a chance, give me a call back, love you!   I played it over and over.  I have so many voicemails I will never erase, so evey time someone calls they tell me my voicemail is full.  Oh well, that will never change. At least I can control that.

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JJ Flowers

I get it Rosey, I really do.

I still have my late husbands last email he ever sent to me. It says simple: 

Jen

Yes.

Love,

John

This email is a treasure!

I think since this is your son's last voice recording, he is saying to you: Mom I am heading home to heaven. If you get a chance reach out to me there! I will show you my love is still here, if you know how to experience it. 

 

 

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Danielle Masata

I have so many photos and I started grouping the occasions so I could enjoy watching him and his brothers grow up over the years (Halloween, start of school, etc.), but I have only one voice mail.  I was a bit obsessed about trying to find something he said and so relieved I found one.  I just needed to hear his voice.  The occasion for the message was when he needed me to help him out, as usual.  All I have: 17 seconds.  17 precious seconds.  My heart breaks when I hear the "Hi Mom..... and ending with "when you get a chance, call me back."  I was so fearful of losing some of these precious mementos, I sent that voicemail and whatever videos I had to my email so they would be preserved. 

Rosey, I love the casualness of the voicemail you shared.  So simple, so timeless, so sweet.

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JJ Flowers

You can imagine a perfect voicemail in their voice and relive it as many times as you want. MANY people who have lost loved ones do this--it works as good, maybe even better than the real thing. Spirit (God) speaks to us through our imagination. It is both a tool and a gift.

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Danielle Masata

Michael, did you take photos of B with an iPhone?  I found out that some of my photos were done as a "burst" (several photos taken instantaneously).  I sent one of those photos to my youngest son and he discovered Patrick'd voice on it!  It's not long.  Not a whole message.  But for a fleeting second, I could hear his voice.  You may have one of these.  As I said, I have a bit obsessive about these details and it takes a while to find which one is even a possibility.  And then, voila!  His roommate taped a whole 3 minute conversation with him about his addiction and need to move back home for a short time. Ask B's friends if they have anything.

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Michael Rodriguez

i use android , i hate iphones .....but the idea of asking one of his friends is not a bad one , as a matter of fact it is a good one, thanks danielle

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Hello everyone I’m Niecee & I was just reading all of your post and I feel relieved to have found this site. I lost my oldest son my big baby (he was my bonus son) but in my family you love the “step” children the same as your biological. (I do not like the word step) just giving some detail. My baby passed away Aug 2020 he was 19. I was extremely late dealing with my grief as I had to plan the funeral and stay strong for his dad. I am having the hardest time dealing with guilt. As a parent  you have one job in this world and that is to protect your child and I can’t help but feel that I failed my baby. Kenny died from an overdose which makes it EXTREMELY hard for me to be anywhere near my job (pharmacy) because it’s a drug that I see throughout the work day. Some days I’m “ok” whatever that is. Other days I just scream and shout. Im so damn angry and so hurt each day it’s a battle of which emotion will take over but every day im ultimately broken. I miss my baby. I go to text him silly stuff that my younger kids do and then realize he’s gone. I’ve never knew a pain like this and I honestly don’t know how people live long lives feeling this way. 

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JJ Flowers

Niecee, I get it. I understand. Can I send you a book? Grief Is Love. Just shoot me an email jaejflowers@gmail.com. It will help, I promise. I am holding you in love and you are in my prayers.

Because there is a section on guilt, which often rides on grief.

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On 9/24/2021 at 7:28 PM, Roseypal said:

I don't know why things have gotten so much harder, as the days go by my heart hurts more than ever.  The other night I was so down in the dumps I started listening to voicemails I kept from Mike,  I couldn't believe I could hear his voice.  I want him back!!!!!!!!  Hi Mom, just driving home from work, no plans tonight if you get a chance, give me a call back, love you!   I played it over and over.  I have so many voicemails I will never erase, so evey time someone calls they tell me my voicemail is full.  Oh well, that will never change. At least I can control that.

Rosey, yes the voicemails are everything. Makesure that you email them to yourself so that you never lose them. 

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Welcome Niecee.  I don't have any voicemail from Don.  I sure wish I  did.  I too feel it is getting harder.  I was at Costco the other day with a friend  and we had gone in opposite directions to grab a few things.  When we met back up she asked me "who are those for"?  I looked in the cart and I saw 2 pair of men's slippers.   I just started to cry.  They were for Don.  I always got him a pair for his birthday (December) and a pair for Christmas.  He counted on that.  I catch myself doing things like that and then fall apart when I realize what I've done.   Ms. Flowers is recommending  a book called "Grief is Love".  I highly recommend you get this.  It has helped me so much to understand the feelings I am having.  I haven't gotten to the guilt part.  I hope it helps because I know we are not responsible for the choices our children made, but I  still feel guilty that I didn't see what was going on.  He took great pains to hide his drinking  from me.  I should have known... it runs in our family. My brother and sister both died from the same thing.  I also catch myself being angry at his wife.  She knew.  Why didn't she tell me.  She knew our history.   I am working on this too. I am trying not to be angry at her.  Thank you all for being here for me.

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Michael Rodriguez

welcome niecee to the site that we all hate to be in , but that we comfort each other in our grief. everyday is hard and sometimes way overwelming.....theze lat couple of days have been very hard on me , and realize that time will not better it.

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1 hour ago, Lisa M. said:

Welcome Niecee.  I don't have any voicemail from Don.  I sure wish I  did.  I too feel it is getting harder.  I was at Costco the other day with a friend  and we had gone in opposite directions to grab a few things.  When we met back up she asked me "who are those for"?  I looked in the cart and I saw 2 pair of men's slippers.   I just started to cry.  They were for Don.  I always got him a pair for his birthday (December) and a pair for Christmas.  He counted on that.  I catch myself doing things like that and then fall apart when I realize what I've done.   Ms. Flowers is recommending  a book called "Grief is Love".  I highly recommend you get this.  It has helped me so much to understand the feelings I am having.  I haven't gotten to the guilt part.  I hope it helps because I know we are not responsible for the choices our children made, but I  still feel guilty that I didn't see what was going on.  He took great pains to hide his drinking  from me.  I should have known... it runs in our family. My brother and sister both died from the same thing.  I also catch myself being angry at his wife.  She knew.  Why didn't she tell me.  She knew our history.   I am working on this too. I am trying not to be angry at her.  Thank you all for being here for me.

Lisa I’m sorry you had to go through that in the store it’s already difficult to deal with this and when it happens in public it feels even worse. I don’t know about you but I just feel crazy most of the time, especially when I’m having a breakdown and ppl just watch and don’t know how to help. I went to the sprint store a few months back (I was already having a rough day) and they started to play the song that I picked to be played at Kenny’s funeral. I lost it! I hate being this fragile. Fun moments instantly turn sad because I always reference my kids and the stuff that they do. December is rough for me as well my birthday is 12/17 and I was having a rough birthday a few years back and my son knew just what to do. He brought my (newborn at the time) grand baby to come and he just let her lay on my chest all day. I pray that you have strength through these holidays. It’s OK to not be OK!! Feel the way you feel. Do the holidays the way that you are comfortable or even skip them this year if you have to. That helped me last year. And I’m going to order that book as well.

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1 hour ago, Michael Rodriguez said:

welcome niecee to the site that we all hate to be in , but that we comfort each other in our grief. everyday is hard and sometimes way overwelming.....theze lat couple of days have been very hard on me , and realize that time will not better it.

Thank you Michael. I think that’s the hardest part for me to wrap my head around is that it never gets better. Sometimes I sit and think like “how will I survive living the rest of my life with a broken heart” and I feel like most people have no clue what a broken heart is until you lose a child. It’s scary. Sorry the past couple of days have been rough for you, that’s even more difficult then the already difficult days. It’s crazy how some days are harder then others but they are all hard. I’ve been having very selfish thoughts when I’m out and about and I see families with their children. I’m like “why me? Out of everyone, why did my baby have to go? I prayed for all of my kids every day” not that I want anyone else to experience this ever. It’s just how I feel When I’m out in the world.

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Don's birthday  is December 16.  It will be a rough one.  His wife's is December 15 so I'm sure she won't be having a good one either.  

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2 minutes ago, Lisa M. said:

Don's birthday  is December 16.  It will be a rough one.  His wife's is December 15 so I'm sure she won't be having a good one either.  

Ya that’s a lot especially so close to Christmas. Maybe celebrate his life on his day in some way, if you have the strength that day. Kenny’s 20th memorial birthday (last year) we had a big celebration for him. Which was overwhelming for me. This year on his birthday (Nov 1st) we will probably just release some balloons and watch his silly videos. 

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JJ Flowers

Niecee: This is what Grief Is Love has to say about guilt: 

The Answer to Guilt…

We often get mixed up about this word guilt. Many people consider guilt in a near mythological positive light; guilt is the feeling that we could have been better. Mother Teresa, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, indeed Jesus himself experienced this feeling. To own a consciousness is to know you could have done better, that you are called upon to do better, be better.

This is not the guilt that rides on the waves of grief’s emotions.

The guilt that rides the waves of our grief is a pernicious distortion of our emotions. It is the most common and malignant feeling that follows grief. It is always a wrong turn.

The guilt that arrives with the passing of a loved one often becomes a larger psychic burden than our loss. Parents who have lost a beloved child are particularly susceptible to it, and even more so for those of us who have lost our loved one to suicide or violence.

In the throes of our grief, we begin playing the “if only” game. We review our loved ones’ life, mining it for incidents where if only we had done this or not done that, there would have been a different outcome. Our loved one would still be alive. If only I had steered him to get help sooner, he might still be here; if only I had not let her drive that night, she might still be alive…

Here we are attempting to rewrite history; we desperately seek another, different outcome, one where our loved one is still alive. Yet we lose this game every time we play it. There is no different ending. These real or imagined things that triggered your guilt do not matter now. There is no alternative ending; your guilt does not change anything.

Guilt serves only to hurt you.

Read that sentence again, and consider:

Even if you do have some culpability in a loved one’s passing, and these feelings are always grotesque exaggerations colored by fear, you are already paying the highest price possible. You do not need to hurt yourself more.

How do you transcend guilt? How do you stop this feeling?

By letting it go. Can it be that simple? Yes.

Again, imagine your guilt as smoke being carried away by a good strong wind. Refuse, absolutely, to play the “if only” game. You might always wish you were dealt a different card, but you weren’t. The past cannot be rewritten.
Experience the unalterable truth of these words: Your loved one is gone.

Because, you see, once you let go of guilt, you find acceptance. This acceptance is the biggest stepping stone in grief’s long passage. Once you find acceptance, you will be in the light, holding the only thing that matters.

You are left with their love.

 
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Mason’s Mom

My son Mason passed away 12/17/17. Christmas is extremely hard for me,. His 25th birthday is tomorrow. 

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Michael Rodriguez

you must be going thru living hell right now. 10 days before B's birthday i started counting and every day was more terrible than the one before. but.....happy birthday mason!!! i know that wherever you are you are looking over such a wonderful loving mom that you have !!!! no doubt about it 

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JJ Flowers

I get it, but it can be beautiful. For Jonpaul's birthday I had a party every year and I invited all his family and friends and we drank and eat cake and told went over our favorite memories of Jonpaul and omg, tears all around but a good and wonderful time.

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Mason’s Mom

JJ, we have celebrated Mason's birthday in the past however our family has been hit been with Covid so this year no gathering. 

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JJ Flowers

Shoot. I get it. One thing I did one year is I got hundreds of flower petals. I went to a beautiful spot in a forest. I made a heart with the petals. Then, I just talked to him, told him how much I love him, how grateful I am that he was my son, that our love is forever. Omg. I felt him zoom in. It was like he was with me. I'll never forget it.

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Danielle Masata

JJ, your message about guilt is oh-so-true.  A friend-of-a-friend has had to cope with her son's loss.  His girlfriend had broken up with him, he wrote a note to explain, and died by suicide.  This poor mom!  
Thanks also for the book recommendation.  I'll have to check it out.

Lisa, I cherish your story about the slippers you had in your cart at Costco.  I experienced something similar.  When it was my younger son came home for his  birthday and we were about to enjoy his birthday cake, I got out plates and forks for everyone. After my son cut a slice for everyone, I noticed I there was an extra plate on the table.  I looked around to make sure everyone got a slice, and suddenly realized the extra plate I had gotten was for Patrick.

Niecee, so glad you found us and thank you for a little background.  My son always struggled with anxiety and the nuances of understanding people all his life, but most especially once he discovered alcohol and drugs.  He fought his addictive tendencies, but it was always hard to turn away from them completely.  He had two distinct groups of friends: those high achieving friends who graduated from college and have high earning career jobs and a future AND then the other group, who never graduated from high school who always took advantage of our son.  The contrast between the two groups was difficult too, since he always wanted to belong, but didn't know where.  It wasn't that he was addicted to any one particular drug, but it was the horrible combination of so many aspects, plus having to deal with Covid and restrictions, social isolation, job loss, and post-holiday and winter blues that influenced him to try the combination that killed him.

Carol, so sorry about new challenges at your house.  I hope the Covid cases are mild and you are staying as safe as possible.  

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My son Philip passed away when he was 31yrs young on July 29, 2017 and it still feels like it just happened.  I've spoken to every therapist under the sun but it wasn't giving me what I needed so I stopped.  I find myself feeling angry a lot when I see friends and other family members who still have their sons.  I feel so alone but I feel even worse around others.  I never thought for a moment that this would happen, yet I am, here we are.  I have not been the same since, trying to adjust to this new norm but I really don't know how.  My heart is so broken and I have no idea of how to fix this. Seems like the only way I will feel better is having my son back:sad:.   I no longer believe time heals all wounds.  I keep hoping and praying that I find some type of coping skills to make this less painful.  Sharing my pain on this site is about as close to group therapy I can do.  Sending prayers to you all. This is my Phil and I miss him so much!!1355596247_Phil(2).png.5685bc4dce4722ba08794ebe7c9546d7.png 

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Danielle Masata

Dear Phil's mom or dad, thank you for sharing a beautiful photo of your son.  We lost our son this past year, but I would not surprised if I continued deeply grieving three years or ten years from now.  It hurts every day.  Like you, I felt so alone and so angry when all I heard was joyous stories when friends spoke about their children -- their graduations, their grandchildren, their new apartments, etc.  I did not know anyone who lost a child, even a "adult child" until I found the community here. I am grateful to share my experience with those here who also understand this deep emotion.  Unlike my husband, who is too quiet about our loss, I need to express my sorrow.  It helps me to heal.  I hope you return soon and write with us some more, Danielle.

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Michael Rodriguez

phil's (mom or dad)  , i lost brian (B) back april 14 this year , only 5 and a half months ago .......so i am a newbie , my wound is still wide open and i struggle every minute of every day with it......but at least i have found this site of persons just like me , with the same grief that understand each other , that we all know that when any of us post , tears are rolling down our faces ....so we understand each others pain ......so you are welcome to tell us stories of your phil whenever you feel like it ...you will always find, like i have, somebody reading and caring for your feelings.

regards

michael

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Phil's mom or dad.  I lost my son, Don, on May 12th of this year.  Like Michael, I am a newbie, and my wounds are wide open and raw.  You will find comrades here in this no judgement zone.  It helps so much to "talk" to people who know exactly how you feel.  We hope you too find it is worth coming here.  Your son is very handsome.  

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Mason’s Mom
19 hours ago, A592451 said:

My son Philip passed away when he was 31yrs young on July 29, 2017 and it still feels like it just happened.  I've spoken to every therapist under the sun but it wasn't giving me what I needed so I stopped.  I find myself feeling angry a lot when I see friends and other family members who still have their sons.  I feel so alone but I feel even worse around others.  I never thought for a moment that this would happen, yet I am, here we are.  I have not been the same since, trying to adjust to this new norm but I really don't know how.  My heart is so broken and I have no idea of how to fix this. Seems like the only way I will feel better is having my son back:sad:.   I no longer believe time heals all wounds.  I keep hoping and praying that I find some type of coping skills to make this less painful.  Sharing my pain on this site is about as close to group therapy I can do.  Sending prayers to you all. This is my Phil and I miss him so much!!1355596247_Phil(2).png.5685bc4dce4722ba08794ebe7c9546d7.png 

I agree time does not heal all wounds.  I got so tired of hearing this. We learn to cope with the pain. I lost my son in December 2017. His birthday was the 29th and it still hurts to think about it. I try to stay busy and try to honor him. Philip's smile is gorgeous. 

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Thank you all for all of your kind words.  My deepest condolences to all of you.  Thank you guys for sharing with me because this seems to be one of the few places to share and know we are not alone in the never-ending nightmare.  

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Hello Everyone, I haven’t been on here much I’ve been trying to hide my emotions the best way I know how because I started a new job. That was an ultimate fail because I fell apart at work today (2nd day) I work in the pharmacy and my son passed from an overdose and to say the least I was triggered today it was extremely embarrassing but thankfully my new boss is super understanding. Anyways I posted a pic of a group I found for people who have lost a child. Sometimes they mix the group with people that are grieving other family members as well. It’s a peer led virtual group with every member experiencing extreme loss. I’m not sure about you guys but I always feel like when I talk to someone who hasn’t lost a child or step child they just have no idea. So if you find this may be useful you just go on meetup and rsvp for the different grief meetings. It’s been super helpful for me (just like this chat) so I can stop expecting other people to understand me.

5EE0FDE7-D4E2-4044-A34D-CDAE363FE06B.jpeg

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Danielle Masata

Thanks Niecee for suggesting the Meetup group.  I'm glad you found it helpful.  I too join a condolence group at our church, but it was a small group.  As you wrote, unless someone has experienced the loss of a child or step child, they don't "get it".  I agree.  The church's condolence group included those who lost parents 40 years earlier, or an elderly spouse, or an elderly sibling.  That is, the average age of the group was about 75 years old and the person who died was probably 80-90 yo.  No one had lost a child.  I'm reluctant to join an in-person meet up group at the moment.  I just don't have time during the day or early evening to do that right now, as I'm really busy with many other commitments.  That's why this site works so well for me -- I can write and visit into late hours.  I'm guessing I live in a quieter locale, where most folks who are grieving for their elderly parents or an elderly spouse.  Enjoy tonight's meeting.

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Thinking of all of you......  Rough times here.  It's been 5 months and it feels like yesterday.  I still can't believe he's gone.   I just want to talk to him one more time.  I still feel so lost.  His wife only calls now when she needs something.  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that.  I hope you all are doing okay.

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Hi Lisa, It is the most unbearably painful experience losing a child - your heart and mind it full of sadness and there is nothing at all that we can do to alter anything that happened.    I know that you will be suffering .

 I feel a connection with you because your son was married and he didn’t live with you, just like my David.    There is an assumption ( not in this group) that because they lived away from us and had their own family then you will be used to their absence and will have already given them over to their new family.  Not true.  

It is a massive issue that after a married child dies ( especially if it is your son) as to how you will fit into your grandchildren’s life or how it will feel if their widow moves on.   David died almost five years ago now and we have kept up a connection with his widow even though we are in England and she is in Australia with our grandson.  I can talk to you more about that if you wish.   I am , of course, careful and respectful of what I share about David’s wife and their life on an open forum .  
I usually post on  ‘loss of an adult child’  - you can click on my name ( the blue letter ‘C’ next to this post) and go to the message I left before this one on that thread.  
It will get softer and you will learn to live with grief but we are never the same again and that in itself is an awful reality to face.  I struggle still and sometimes it is very difficult to stay afloat but I recover from the meltdowns quicker these days.  I miss my son all of the time, I love him as you do yours.

take care,  Roz
 

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Danielle Masata

Hi Lisa and Roz.  I often say to myself, "thank goodness for this site" as I have felt a connection to all of you for various reasons.  Sadly, the biggest is that we have lost our child.  After joining a Bereavement Group offered at my church where the other members were dealing with the loss of their parent or long-time spouse, I discovered just how differently a mom/dad copes.  

Is it also .......  the cause of his death? the unexpectedness? your response to the tragedy? his age? Patrick's naiveté? his gift (among other aspects, whether that was in how he trusted others, his kindness, his disability, or his writing)? Or is it that deep sadness I feel of Patrick's lost potential?  It is our shared...... religion? how he struggled all his life (whether due to his anxiety or addiction)?  I guess, more than anything, I feel it is your openness to share as we cope with our deep feelings of grief that I appreciate so much.

And that's what grief has taught me too.  That it's not just one emotion, but a whole range (which I'm not listing here): the sadness, the anger, the regret, the loneliness, etc.  Is there joy, strength too?  (as in "I survived" or maybe "he is not in pain anymore" or maybe "his death is no longer keeping me from living my own life now")?  I have read that can happen, but for me, not at all.

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Roz, you hit the nail right on the head.  I have had people say things such as, at least he didn't live with you.  That doesn't matter.   We spoke every day... sometimes 2 to 3 times a day.  The last year, those calls were more precious.   We lived 50 minutes away but I  would make the trip 2-3 times a week after work and each weekend.   He would call to make sure I was still coming. Distance was not an excuse.  Thank you so much for understanding my situation. 

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Hi All,

It's been a minute since I have posted anything, I guess because I have been so down in the dumps.  October was always my favorite month but with Mike gone, I cannot seem to find anything that really makes me happy.  I also feel like I am starting to piss people off, not that I really care, but I am really starting to get that feeling.  I feel like people think I should be different than I am and I have stopped hearing from quite a few people who were calling and checking in on me when this first happened.  I don't know what they expect.  I tried to tell them that nothing will ever be the same for me again, that I am now a different person that I myself need to get to know.  Mike didn't live with me either, he went to college and never came home again to live.  I felt so proud of that though, being a single mom I felt so accomplished that I taught him how to be strong and independent.  However we were still close, I would visit him when he was in college and also many times when he lived in Chicago.  Last October he actually stayed with me for over 3 weeks, his younger brother got married, and his grandpa passed.  That was the last time I saw him alive.  The day he passed we talked 3 times.  I miss him so much.  I am becoming a recluse, I don't want to see anyone.  My house is so clean, I read, and sew, anything to keep busy except leave the house.  I never returned to work.  The other day I actually ordered groceries on line and did curb side pick up so I wouldn't have to go into the store.  The thought of the holidays is killing me.  This is just so sad, incomprehensible, unconsolable, lonely, and I could go on, as you all well know and understand.  Sometimes I feel like such a phony, you put on a good face, but inside you want to scream.  Right now everything just sucks.  I do want to say one good thing, THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE FOR ME :wub2: I really do appreciate it.  

 

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Hi Rosie pal. I too was a single parent. Maybe that's why we were so close and he would check on me just as much as I checked on him. Fall is my favorite season as well however now everything is different. Every time I go outside all I can think about is how he will never see these things. As far as the holidays go I would just as soon cancel them yet everyone is asking me if I'm going to host at my house. I don't want to do anything.   I'm tired of smiling and pretending things are getting better.   I am not better.  I just have my meltdowns in the shower.  Let's just say I am very clean.  I just want the holidays to be over.

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Mason’s Mom

Rosie Pal and Lisa,  this time of the year is really hard for me as well, . Mason's Birthday was September 29th,  he passed on December 17th.  So from the beginning of September until spring I struggle most.  I feel like you both the holidays are so hard.  The first Thanksgiving after we lost Mason,  my husband's family always goes from person to person and each person states what they are Thankful for,  I completely lost it.  That tradition has stopped. Christmas decorations and music are a reminder to me of those first days after losing him. I continue to go through the motions for my daughters. I don't know if you read some of my older posts ( I usually post on loss of an adult child), I unwrapped Mason's Christmas gift of new boots to bury him in them . No mother should have that memory.  Shopping is hard for me. I have my first grandchild so I think it will be a bit easier.  

Trying to keep up the act of being okay is exhausting.  I feel like if most people knew how I really felt,most of the time and the constant underlying pain they would avoid me. So I keep up the act most of the time and talk to Mason and look for signs from him. I know he has sent me, his dad and sisters signs.  Try to open up and receive them if possible. 

Peace and comfort to each of you. 

Carol

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Good morning all.  I just want to check in on you all.  You are in my thoughts today more than usual.   Must be the season.  Thank you all for being here. 

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Good Morning,

 

Really tough month, definitely not getting easier with the approaching holidays.  You are all in my thoughts.

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Danielle Masata

Hi all.  I feel amiss because we've been away -- traveling to a family wedding -- and therefore not able to write for a few days.  I have thought of you so often, maybe even more than usual.  Or maybe I find myself thinking so much about Patrick when I'm in a different routine.

But i kinda worry about you too.  I keep hearing about, or reading (but no one told me this) that it's really, really important to embrace this time of grieving, that it's also really important to eventually move away from it.  I remember hearing from a long-lost friend who wrote her condolences when she heard about Patrick, but she also told me about her sister who never really got over the loss of her son.  She died in December.  I don't know any details, but obsessing about anything could be something I do really well. There was a time when so much of my free time consisted of activities that we spent with Patrick, guiding him.  Lots of talking.  Lots of time helping him look for a job, figure out what to write in a cover letter, prepare for interviews, organize his clothes, and steer him away from alternative job ideas and/or sites. Nowadays I am trying instead to keep busy as I try to rebalance my life.

Here's my latest dilemma.  My concern is that many of my friends now only see me as a "mom-who-lost-her-son", no longer ol' friendly Danielle.  Of course the new me is all true, but I don't find it helpful.  It's not like I don't acknowledge Patrick's loss, but I am concerned that many friends are now seeing me in a one-dimension.  It's not like I am a wet rag or want to talk about Patrick, but I ma trying to find new activities that can help distract me.  I found some new classes that I am really enjoying, but they aren't with my old pals.  How do I can past this new worry?

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Hi Danielle,   Your concern about how friends will now see you is understandable.   The early stages after your loss speaks for itself- everyone acknowledges what you are going through and what their response will be but as time moves on so do they.   I’m probably the wrong person to comment as because I was an expat for years my friends are scattered across the world - I’m using the word ‘friends ‘ but maybe they were superficial friendships in most cases - typical of an expat’s survival.  So , I had a handful of closer friends of length and their responses have differed - I have to admit that I have been hurt by their loss of interest or patience in me.   It must be difficult for them to know how to engage with me as time has gone on and I’m sure, for some , they don’t want to upset me so avoid the conversations that could be awkward , actually they are avoiding me and I have to make the first move.   Others have, quite simply, forgotten about my loss and the unintentional hurt they cause me by demonstrating this fact makes me lose interest in them.   None of the people I see or speak to ( apart from on here)  have lost a child themselves - I think that may make it harder to share the complexity of grief.    I have not made any new friends since David died but I suspect that would be easier for them and me as there is nothing to measure the friendship against, it’s just what it is.

I think that we can get to a stage where we send our  grief underground and people may believe we are ‘getting over it’ and never mention it for fear of upsetting us.   We have probably sent it there for everyone else sake and comfort but we are never going to get over it , however, we will learn to live with it within the  person we have now become.  It’s scary .  Your friends are seeing a different person because you are a different person  but I hope they are able to adjust and still enjoy your relationship.    You appear a very together and a stimulating person to know - I , on the other hand,  have lost my spark and interest so our experience of friendships will be very different and I can see that.  If you explain your concerns to your established friends and let them know that if you are struggling that they should carry on as normal and let you ride it out ( or whatever you would prefer them to do) then they will have that guidance and not be nervous about doing something to make it worse - maybe they need permission to relax and not overthink everything regarding you.

You played a massive part in Patrick’s life so there must be a huge void now in a practical sense as well as the obvious grief.  It’s good that you are enjoying your new classes and able to keep busy .  I had noticed that you hadn’t posted on loss of an adult child for a while but I’m glad it was just because you were travelling- you may like to have a read on there , if you haven’t already, as Virginia has been giving updates on  her husband and I think that you had spoken to her before.

Take care,  Roz

 

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