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Loss of adult son


Lisa M.

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Danielle Masata

Hugs to you Michael.  Thanks for sharing here as you do.  It's very special.  

I wish my husband would share with me.  He and I had grief counseling together for awhile, but he stopped.  He said it's not his style, and I know it isn't.  He tends to keep his emotions inside.  I'm not like that at all.  I  want to understand the loss, which I do moreso when I talk with others.  I want to figure out what Patrick was thinking when he took the drugs that killed him, since they weren't his usual issue.  We had often talked about the dangers of over doing it and Patrick loved to understand the chemistry of it all. He could stop drinking when he had incentives, which we often gave him.  I think he took what he did because he "forgot" he had taken an especially strong drug but because my husband suggested he rest for a later zoom meeting with his addiction group later that day, and Patrick overloaded his system. I would never tell my husband my thinking though... what's the point?  We'll never know. OTOH, I also feel that my husband's constant help and guidance and patience with Patrick regarding his addiction did help him live longer, maybe even a decade.

Anyway all, I am thankful to all of you.  It's gloomy weather here today and that saddens me. It's way too quiet here without my Patrick. It wasn't long ago when he would come down on a Sunday morning and offer to make blueberry pancakes.  How I miss those little things.

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Michael Rodriguez
2 minutes ago, Danielle Masata said:

Hugs to you Michael.  Thanks for sharing here as you do.  It's very special.  

I wish my husband would share with me.  He and I had grief counseling together for awhile, but he stopped.  He said it's not his style, and I know it isn't.  He tends to keep his emotions inside.  I'm not like that at all.  I  want to understand the loss, which I do moreso when I talk with others.  I want to figure out what Patrick was thinking when he took the drugs that killed him, since they weren't his usual issue.  We had often talked about the dangers of over doing it and Patrick loved to understand the chemistry of it all. He could stop drinking when he had incentives, which we often gave him.  I think he took what he did because he "forgot" he had taken an especially strong drug but because my husband suggested he rest for a later zoom meeting with his addiction group later that day, and Patrick overloaded his system. I would never tell my husband my thinking though... what's the point?  We'll never know. OTOH, I also feel that my husband's constant help and guidance and patience with Patrick regarding his addiction did help him live longer, maybe even a decade.

Anyway all, I am thankful to all of you.  It's gloomy weather here today and that saddens me. It's way too quiet here without my Patrick. It wasn't long ago when he would come down on a Sunday morning and offer to make blueberry pancakes.  How I miss those little things.

thanks!!!! i think , at least i do, that are the little things that i miss the most . his great big bear hugs. a midnight run to burger king and have a hersheys pie plus a milk shake. seeing him walking into the office and saying morning dad , that is what i miss the most

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Roseypal

Hi Danielle, the name of the book is THE BOY, the mole, the fox and the horse, BY: Charlie Mackesy

Good Morning Michael,  If its ok to ask, is your wife Brian's biological mom?  The reason I am asking is because my boys biological father passed away 21 years ago.  I have been seeing the same man for the past 17 years, however, never married or lived together. Just didn't feel right with raising three boys.  We have had some very bumpy situations since Mike has passed.  I feel like he wants things to be the way they use to be and that will never be the case.  I know he feels very sad about the loss of Mike, but its just not the same, he says he understand but he really doesn't.  How could he?  He has three children as well who are all grown up and married, just like my boys.  His children are all still alive, how can he even think he knows how this feel?  I am trying to be patient and understand his feelings, its just, I am so limited with my resources that I just get very angry and we hit a brick wall.  On a different note, has anyone seen the movie The Shack?  I watched it last night. Cried my eyes out, like I needed to cry more.  Its about a family who looses a child, how the family copes, especially the father, and what part God plays in it.  It was very good.    

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Michael Rodriguez

hi rosey, yes she is. both nikki and brian are both our kids. she just mourns different than i do. she has more family but , just as me, brian was our special one....he did always his best to take care of both of us. she does not want to join any groups and will not talk about it.

she is a really good painter and she just paints and paints. she is very bright architect but does not practice anymore

 years ago, we used to export baby furniture to major big boxes....babies r us, burlington and some specialty baby stores ....a lot of it was designed by her.

but we have had our issues over the years...i think working together killed our marriage.....or maybe it was just i

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Roseypal

It takes two to tango Michael. 

I am very sad for both of you.  I don't know what's worse, grieving alone or trying to grieve with a person who you love, loves you and has lost the most precious person to you both.  I have never grieved with an equal, only alone.

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Danielle Masata

Funny how we humans phrase things.  I hear folks say, "I know how you feel" and think... oh no you don't.  Or really?  Because my feelings change so much that not even I know know how I feel some times.  Up, down.  Scattered / organized.  Quiet  / busy.   Lately I hear, "you're doing so well..." or "I don't how you do it" and I wonder: what does that mean?  How should I do things when all I'm really doing is just trying to cope through the day?  And how do I answer?

Michael, as I mentioned, my husband has handled the stress and sadness and loss of our oldest differently.  I like to talk about how I feel .. to friends, to family, to the therapist.  My husband does not get a sense of relief like I get.  We've been married nearly 40 years, but I cope with stress in a completely opposite way.  He just stays quiet.  His feeling is, if it's worthwhile to say something, he'll say it but otherwise it's just noise.  Not me.  I talk. I write. I read. I sing and I dance (when I feel both happy and sad). I take my dog for a walk. I try to help others in their situation with my tutoring and with dog therapy. And lately, I cry.  It's unfair for me to expect my husband to change his way of coping through grief. I think he plays his guitar or goes for a run, but that's not enough for me. I need to be with other people and the best is when I can help other people like with my pet therapy or as a tutor.  He doesn't have that same need to be with other people. I know we both deeply feel the loss of our son.  It's different but we both feel it nonetheless.

Rosey, it's hard for you since your significant "other" didn't have that same bond that you had with Mike.  No doubt you've felt a hint of it over the years, but I guess now it is exposed and I get that it hurts to notice Mike's loss isn't as meaningful to him as it is for you.  Perhaps he's like that in general, you know, not as attached. In times like this, I realize I'm actually dealing with more than just one type of loss (the loss of a adult child), but also the fact that I never experienced an empty nest before.  In this same way, you may be mourning two aspects that have surfaced: the loss of your husband (21 years ago) as well as the loss of Mike.

On a separate note Michael, I'm sorry your marriage is going through a tough patch. Perhaps you should go back in time when things were easier.  Maybe your wife should return to painting and that might renew what you once had.  Remember, not only we all coping with the lost of our adult child, but this past year has been even more stressful due to the pandemic.

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Michael Rodriguez

good morning, she has returned to painting. i think we have become roommates rather than husband and wife, she lives a very comfortable life. she will sell some of her paintings , all those monies are hers ....i pay for all her cc. right before brian passed, he got her a brand new 2022 renault (not known to many of you guys , but it is a really nice french suv) which i pay for. but we both have  strong temperament , but hers is stronger ...we no longer talk , we argue !!! i feel im talking to a therapist .....im sorry guys .....but thanks 

yesterday i encountered a local group of "mothers of angels " i asked her if she wanted to join, is for mothers only , she said if i was crazy , if i had lost my mind ,,,,she will not discuss with strangers. so what shall i do?

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Roseypal

Good Morning,  Everyone greaves so differently.  Unfortunately I know two Mom's who are in the same boat as I am.  One lost her adult son, he was 41, this past February, they found him deceased in his home, she has not received the autopsy yet so she is not sure of the cause,  the other Mom lost her 13 year old daughter to suicide in December.  Neither Mom is willing or wants to go to a support group or therapy.  I don't know if I am more open to it because I felt so lonely when my husband died.  I certainly felt like my boys needed some guidance, and I couldn't expect them to accept help if I wasn't willing to do the same.  It helped me and them and I feel that is why I am open to it now.  Everyone is different though, what works for some does not work for others.  We as individuals need to figure out what we need to do to maneuver threw this.  

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Lisa M.

Good morning all.  Thanks to you all, I can put it all out there.  Donald died from alcoholic liver cirrhosis  at the age of 40.  He came from a family of alcoholics.  His dad, his maternal grandmother, my brother and sister.  He knew the history.  My brother died from the same thing,  he knew that. 

Here is where the what ifs come in.  He moved about 40 miles away so I  went out on weekends to see him and his family.  He was never drinking when I  was there.   I never saw him drink.  He hid it from me.  How could I have not known.  What if I  had just asked him or his wife.   I realized  it when I saw him in December.  I was taking Christmas gifts out for the kids along with birthday gifts for He and his wife. We live in Alaska so I  didn't drive out there in the winter.  The roads are treacherous.   I got my significant other of 22 years to take me out there.  I could see He was full of fluid. Right after Christmas,  he was in a lot of pain so his wife took him into the ER.  They drained 22 liters of fluid from his abdoman.   After that, he would fill right back up.  He ended up going twice a week  from December through April  to be drained.   At one of those April  appointments  a liver specialist ordered labs.  Long story short,  he ended up in the ER, and was placed in an ambulance to come to Anchorage.   Come to find out, they were draining to much fluid out at one time,which messed up his BP and kidneys.  He was in ICU for two weeks.  The  Liver doctor told us to not take him back to that other hospital ever. Because of covid they would only allow one person in the hospital self course his wife went and I couldn't even go see him. It was so hard knowing he was so close but yet so far away from me. When they finally sent him home they told us all care from this point out would be paleative and they gave them 6 months. He was still going in for the drain appointments maybe once or twice more after he got home from the hospital. We had to make the long trip because we didn't take him back to that 1 hospital So it was draining on him. At that point the doctor told us the only thing that could be done is paylative care and they gave us a 3 month frame at this point. Each time I would try to get my head around the time and what I could do to enjoy every last minute with him So hospice had come out on Thursday and they Brought a hospital bed and wheelchair and a few other items to help make his life a little easier. At this point I was driving out every night after work and staying for a few hours and going back out and staying all weekend. So on Mother's Day weekend I had gone out on Saturday and he was very talkative and we are laughing and joking and having a good time course he was in bed most of the day because it was very hard for him to walk. So I went home that night and Sunday was Mother's Day and so I went back out there and we had all his wife's family out there because we have no family here. He slept most of the day but if you talked to him he would answer you. When his mother in law left she said I love you dawn and he said I love you and where I left I said I love you honey and he says I'll see you tomorrow mom. I had been planning on going out after work you know doing my usual a few hours and then coming home and going to work but my it'll work but Monday afternoon about 2 o'clock hospice had come in and told his wife that he had 5 to 7 days. She called me because they had told her they'd better it would be better if if you know I just come out so I called my boss and I and I just took my laptop and worked out there. People ask me why I just didn't take the time off but for me working helped keep me sane at that point in time. So I went out Monday and I stayed there I never you know I never left his side. Hospice continued to come out Tuesday put him on morphine and something else I can't remember and then Tuesday and Tuesday afternoon they came out and put a fentanyl patch on him at that point he he didn't wake up but we could tell he was listening to us because like I was holding his hand and talking to him and he would squeeze my hand and I would see a tear come out of his eye so I knew he heard me. I could tell the way he was breathing that things were changing and I told his wife that you know if there's anything you want to tell him you need to do it now. I told her I would go outside while she talked to him and just laid her heart out there on the line and then she did the same for me. I let him know how proud I was of the man he became how he raised his significant others children from the time they were 5 they are now 21,20 and 18 and they are the most awesome boys. They adored him. So on Wednesday her family was out there and I just sat next year's bed and held its hand and of course just rubbed his forehead and just kissed him and just hung out there. About 6 o'clock I noticed that his breathing was getting a little more labored the breaths were coming  Farther apart. His wife was outside talking to her mom and I told somebody to go get her because I could just tell it wouldn't be long. So she came in and when she came in she saw that he wasn't breathing she just happened to catch him at the wrong time and I told her no hes not gone yet I said but you need to stay here with me. So she took his hand on the other side and put her hand on his heart and I have don't his heart and I had his other hand and I was kissing kissing his forehead and he took that last breath I had just whispered into his ear that it was OK it was OK for him to go. I was so grateful that he didn't have that gasping last night is gasping lass death breath that they always talk about he just so peacefully left us. I still struggle because I see that moment in my mind all the time. At 1 point he told me mom I'm sorry I did this to myself. Anyway I just want to thank you all for letting me put this out there like there like I said not too many know I guess I have a sense of embarrassment said the right word. Not for him but for myself the fact that I didn't know that I didn't see it kind of mom was I. Anyway I got to get ready to go to work so thanks for listening.

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Michael Rodriguez

lisa , it broke my heart ......i can honestly say i know how you feel,,,,,

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Danielle Masata

Lisa, thank you for sharing.  I feel as if I was right with you as you helped your son through his last moments.  I'm glad you got to be there and say what you said. Grieving takes on many forms, but embarrassment should never be one.  My son too had a drinking problem.

Michael, I participate in another bereavement group, and also work with a grief therapist. The other one is very religious, which I am not, plus most other members have lost their spouse, so I don't quite emotionally connect with them as I do here.  I like to visit here late at night since nighttime tends to be the hardest.  I also find it much easier to connect with you all here since we're talking about the loss of an adult child.  That seems very different from losing your spouse or sibling. My point is, it's not all-or-nothing here. 

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Michael Rodriguez
19 hours ago, Roseypal said:

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good morning to all, BTW Rosey thus has now become my home screen 

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Roseypal

Good Morning,  

That just brought a smile to my face, thank you Michael.

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Lisa M.

What a wonderful idea.   I am going to use it too.  It made me smile as well.  Danielle thank you for your kind words. You all help me more than you know.

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Michael Rodriguez
53 minutes ago, Lisa M. said:

What a wonderful idea.   I am going to use it too.  It made me smile as well.  Danielle thank you for your kind words. You all help me more than you know.

all you guys help me more than you know!!!!! and i am glad roseypal that i got a smile out of you.....at least with me they dont come very often

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Roseypal

agree, not smiling much these days, so I will take it when it happens.  It feels good to know that I can still smile.  

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Danielle Masata

I have really tried to live in the present.  When friends ask if we can go for a walk, I make sure to talk about things that are relevant to them.  Oh sure, I also include what's been on my mind or my general well-being related to coping (which they want to hear), but I talk about other " general things" as well.  Sometimes I get rather philosophical and talk about such things like "are people truly happy or is that just a momentary feeling?"  But I try, try, try to think about and talk about other things as well: recent vacations, dinners at a restaurant, sign-ups activities for the fall I'm thinking of taking (art classes, gym classes, etc).  Sometimes we talk about the pandemic and how much has changed as a result; whether we've gotten vaccinated (I have); what's the reaction when I wear a mask now  (I'm immune-compromised, so wearing a mask has been important to me); politics of the moment; and even topics like the latest book I read.  All of that is to say that I've been trying hard to re-find my balance and it has helped.  

Patrick's loss has been devastating to us, to me, -- his brothers are so profoundly sad too -- but given that he struggled with incredible anxieties all his life, I now feeling more at peace acknowledging that his struggles are over.  How much hurt can a person endure?  It is with tremendous sadness that he didn't experience the richness of life we had always hoped he'd find, we know we gave him the one thing that was most important: love / acceptance. Patrick was such a strikingly beautiful toddler, I just wish we could back in time when life was simpler.  Of course we can't, but I'm going to start reading a new fictional book tonight that sounds quite promising: The Midnight Library by Matt Haig about what your life would be like if you had changed one thing.

In any case, I came back here to see how you are all doing. I think of you often ... Michael, Rosey, Lisa, Shirley, Mason's mom .. and to see how you're coping during these last days of July. I dread the days when it gets colder and less light-filled.

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Roseypal

Good Morning Everyone,

Boy this has been a very tough week, and it's only Wednesday.  In all honesty they have all been tough since 12/17, just some are harder than others.

I redesigned my son's memorial marker yesterday, it really started on Monday.  My youngest son stopped over and we started discussing Mike's marker.  He brought up that it didn't say Beloved Husband, it said Beloved Son and Brother.  I didn't think about that when my second oldest son and I went to purchase his marker, and the gentleman who was helping us didn't ask if Mike was married because his wife was not the one purchasing the marker, so I never thought of it.  Anyway, she has moved back to her home town with her parents, and has decided to come back to Cleveland to get an etching of the marker, get some dirt from his grave, and I guess plant a tree, which then spiked the over site.  Thank goodness I was able to change it.  They are so back logged with production that the marker has not been started yet.  They actually told me in May, when we originally made the purchase, that they would not have it completed/set at the earliest until October.  I did receive a copy of the new design with "& Husband" on it that my youngest son sent her, she was very happy with it, however very upset with me for the lack of communication on my part.  My son got married 11/2/2019, so they had only been married a little over a year before he passed, however they had known each other much longer.  I am not really sure when they officially became a couple, they lived in Chicago so you know how that goes.  It's like when they go off to College, you just don't know everything that goes on.  When Mike passed, his wife, pretty much dropped the ball, she really struggled.  I was the one who did everything.  Financially and emotionally.  So, it was a simple over site.  It's corrected now, however, the emotions it has steered up are overwhelming.  I know she is hurting, I have been there, I know what it is like to bury your husband.  What she doesn't know and probable will never know is what it is like to bury your son.  Also, not sure if anyone else has experienced this, the way people remember the person who has died, there representation of the person is false.  The deceased become someone that most of the time they never were.  I loved my son with all my heart, however, he was not perfect, as none of us are, you would never know that from listening to her.  Sometimes I don't even think she is talking about Mike.  So, I have stopped talking to her, which she is not happy about.  I need to be honest with myself and my feelings and she has invented a person who never existed, of if he did not very often.  I have always said that you pick your friends, you pick your spouse, but you do not pick your family or your children, they are gifts.  I miss him more than words can say, and she has made this loss much harder to maneuver.  My hope for today is that now that she knows his marker will not be completed by the time she plans on coming to Cleveland (late August), that she changes her mind and does not come.

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Michael Rodriguez

well 2 things im trying to understand from both danielle and roseypal.....danielle are you saying goodbye to us? because if that is so , i will truly miss you !!! roseypal, do not linger on your daughter in law, she will eventually move on and at the end of the day , it will only be you carrying that love/pain in your heart forever ....just like all of us ....do not let her frustrate your life. try to do as danielle ..... 

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Lisa M.

Rosey,  I understand how you're feeling. Donald was unable to work the last 3 years of his life. His wife doesn't drive I've and because he was ill he couldn't drive her to work so neither one of them were working. She had 3 boys when he married her, ages is 5,4 and 2.  He has a daughter of his own she is now 16 it's now 16 and to be truthful she was not it's not very nice to him the last 6 months of his life she was downright evil.  Now that he has passed she feels extra bad. I paid all the bills for the last 3 years which left me with nothing of my own but I could not see them out on the street. When he passed I let her know that I could not continue paying all the bills. She understood however she went to live with her parents her parents till she could get her act together. I have had to put up this wall and told myself you can't keep helping because it broke me. I know they have no income and she finally realizes how much I actually did for them. Part of me feels guilty for that But I need to move on as well. I continue to call periodically to check on her and see how she is doing because I know she is struggling as well. However when I do call she's very standoffish feeling And I almost feel like I'm bothering her when I call. I'm in the same boat you are rosy, I know she was his wife and she is mourning in a totally different way than I am. I feel for her truly I do however losing a son, Is a child is totally different. She may one day learn to love again and have another  husband. I on the other hand will never have another 1st born son. This has been a bad week for me as well and yes it's only Wednesday. It's only been a little over 2 months 2 months and honestly I feel worse now than I did at the beginning. I think part of me was still numb taking care of financials and  cremation and all that stuff that goes along with is, And now I am finally truly feeling is feeling the loss. Mourning my son.  There are some days at work I wish nobody would talk to me And others I just want to be surrounded by people. I will continue to reach out to his wife periodically just to check on her because that's who I am. Because I know that's what he would want me to do. You have all become such an important part of my life. I check for new posts every morning to get my day started. I truly appreciate every single one of you. For your kind words and thoughts I am very grateful for this no judgment zone.

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Lisa M.

Oh my gosh... I just read my post.  I used talk to text and see that it doubled a lot of my words.  I really don't  talk like that. 

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Michael Rodriguez

dont worry ....we understood !!!! another smiling moment

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Danielle Masata

Lisa, I got a kick out of reading your apologies for the grammatical/typing errors.  I'm a teacher, so I'm used to it.  Remember: we make no judgement here!

Michael, I realized after I wrote my post, that it sounded as if I was saying good-bye.  But here I am!  Actually, I wanted to share that I started to feel better, at least yesterday. In truth, I keep finding myself getting all philosophical about Patrick and what his death really means.

Rosey, I'm glad you caught the mistake in time.  I'm sorry Mike's wife is still having a tough time.  Your post reminded me of what I had to deal with.  When notifying Patrick's girlfriend about the death, I discovered she felt much more invested in that relationship than I realized.  I thought about it and realized just how much her life might have changed (at least financially) if they had married or had children. It made me sad for her.  She was really lovely and it's hard to think that someone else's life collapsed due to such a stupid mistake Patrick made.

And then... I had a terrible day today. I wrote it all out in a post, but quickly deleted it all.  I realized it wasn't about grief but about that question I can't help thinking: "what's next?" now that Patrick isn't our focus. I started reassessing my marriage, decisions we've made over the years, and even where we live.  As I sit here now, I have to remind myself that ALL these things are part of the process of rediscovering our new world without Patrick.  There will be burdens lifted but also frustrations that I realize my own life is quickly passing me by.  For example, the opportunity we might have sought 10 or 15 years ago, like moving or building a new home, now feels like a closed door. We have been such dedicated parents and lived our lives helping our children that we forgot our own happiness.  It's almost hard to accept that finally, at our ages, we should enjoy life.  I know I need to start thinking of a new project, especially with fall/winter coming, but I don't know what that is.  Ideas anyone for this retired couple who are finally ready to discover what it's like to have an empty nest? (not sure we should consider travel with Covid still an issue). 

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Mason’s Mom

Danielle,  I understand that reflection on your life and choices made prior to the loss of your son. My husband and I still work however we have established a scholarship in Mason's honor. It takes a lot of work but it feels good to know that he is still making a difference. The recipients will know about him and my hope is that they tell their children. Is there something you and your husband could do for Patrick?

Roseypal seeing your child's name and date of death written in stone is one of the most painful experiences for a parent. It still hurts to see it

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

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Roseypal

Mason's mom, I agree.  I have not actually seen the completed stone, just a drawing, however that was hard enough.  I cannot even imagine how I am going to handle seeing it at the cemetery.  I have not gone to visit Mike since we laid him to rest.  His two brothers have, I have not.  That is just so hard for me.  I never went to see my husband either.   I purchased a grave for both Jack and I when he passed.  They can dig deeper, so the coffins are on top of each other.  I thought it was for me, however when Mike passed it just seemed right to have him buried with his dad.  I plan to go see the memorial marker when it is set.  Even thinking about it, starts the emotions going.  I feel like the more time that is passing, the harder this has gotten.

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Michael Rodriguez

good afternoon ladies, me, on the contrary, i find a certain peace when i visit brian. i for sure go every saturday and sunday and try to go in the middle of the week. we live not to far from the cemetery. and if it is open when i pass by around 5:15 am ,ill go in say hello and give him a few kisses, sweep the grass and leave. i miss him so much 

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Lisa M.

Rosedale,  Donald was cremated so I don't have the marker issue but it is just as tough to see the beautiful urn he is in.  I bought 3 in red,his favorite color.   His wife, myself and his sister all got one. His wife can't look at it so she has him in a bedroom  so she doesn't have to see it.  Although hard to see, I just can't even think of putting him somewhere  other than where I can see him.  My daughter feels the same way.  She has his urn surrounded by photos  of him.  I too have my favorite photo next to him.  I also agree with it feeling like it is getting harder now.  I am trying to stay busy but that doesn't always help.

Oh my gosh... now it messed up your name too. (Giggle)  

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Roseypal

Maybe when it's all said and done, my two boys can go together and visit him.

my two boys and I can go together and visit him, 

and I wasn't using talk and text :wink:

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Danielle Masata

Hi all.  Carol, like you we also established a scholarship.  It's through our high school and they pick the recipient.  They were so very pleased about the criteria we wrote.  It's for a male student who had been or is in special education and will be attending a 4 year college in the fall.  Our high school has several other memorial scholarships, but many more girls get them than the boys.  The girls often get the academic ones and the boys get the sport scholarships.  The high school has never had one for a special education student.  The young student who got our scholarship wrote a lovely thank you letter. He doesn't mention having anxieties as Patrick did, but he does have a significant disability that, it turns out, is the same that Patrick's girlfriend has. They are both deaf.

I found that a "sign" somehow.  In fact, I keep finding little signs every-now-and-then.  Anyone else experience those?

We decided to sprinkle Patrick's ashes although for now, the urn sits in his closet.  Patrick was a true homebody and loved to hang out in his room.  There are a few other places we'll want to sprinkle his ashes, like favorite vacation spots, but haven't done anything about it.  Every few days, I'll go an touch the urn and tell Patrick how much I miss him.  His dad hasn't even walked in Patrick's room since the day he died. (He discovered Patrick and tried to revive him.  I'm sure those memories haunt him.) The thought of sprinkling his ashes is a bit daunting, in that they are much heavier than I expected and therefore I imagine will be much be volume to scatter.  Has anyone here scattered ashes instead of buried a coffin or urn? 

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Michael Rodriguez

good morning, i happen to be in that group with your husband,,,,once you go up the stairs in my house , to the left is the master bedroom to the right all the other bedrooms. i have not made that right turn since brian passed. i cant go into his bedroom we passed many hours together there

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Michael Rodriguez

also what i do on brian's name is go with the priest that i have become close friends with and visit small communities of very poor people. last week he held a mass , plus baptism, plus first communion all out in the open .......well my contribution was to drive the priest to that place.....i mean real rural honduras!!!! but the most noble and nicest people you will ever meet .....went to costco the night before and bought all kinds of goodies for the kids .....all kinds of US brands candies and chocolates , the big party bags that you buy for halloween ....they were excited , they had never tried a good piece of candy .....you could see all those huge smiles... watching them brings a small ray of sunshine to your life. i am really enjoying this new stage of my life.

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Danielle Masata

I have found it very healing to help others, which is why I continued volunteering and tutoring despite all my grief.  In fact, when I am working with my students, I think of these kids exclusively and not my own troubles and sadness.

 My dear Patrick once went to Mexico with the high school's Habitat for Humanity group.  He was so stunned to see how these children lived.  Before they left, he helped raise lots of money by going door-to-door in the neighborhood and became to highest-earning volunteer.  The newspaper took picture of him.  He also helped another student with her shoe drive.  Patrick was stunned to discover firsthand that most children did not own a pair of shoes.

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Michael Rodriguez
8 hours ago, Danielle Masata said:

I have found it very healing to help others, which is why I continued volunteering and tutoring despite all my grief.  In fact, when I am working with my students, I think of these kids exclusively and not my own troubles and sadness.

 My dear Patrick once went to Mexico with the high school's Habitat for Humanity group.  He was so stunned to see how these children lived.  Before they left, he helped raise lots of money by going door-to-door in the neighborhood and became to highest-earning volunteer.  The newspaper took picture of him.  He also helped another student with her shoe drive.  Patrick was stunned to discover firsthand that most children did not own a pair of shoes.

doesnt it help? it brings a bit of relief from your sorrow !!

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Danielle Masata

So often, especially when we go to social events, folks will quietly come over to me or both of us and express their sadness about Patrick.  I often wonder if this is because of Patrick, and that he was a "special" kid (as in struggled so much in this life, they saw it too) or they do this because of us (as in the fact that he was our oldest and they know how hard we tried to help him) or just that people are much more expressive of these things.  Happened again tonight.  Personally, I have to take a deep, deep breath so I don't get super teary, but I am also finding it healing too.  I also like that they tell us their feelings so it's much more open and then when we say something like, "our world changed overnight", they know what I'm referring to.  It's nice that people care and truthfully, I feel so grateful to so many for allowing us to express our grief.  It's really times like tonight when I remind myself how helpful it is to have friends.

I went back a few earlier comments you all wrote and realized just how much we're completely avoiding a most painful experience: dealing with the ashes.  I'm not at al sure where we'll sprinkle his ashes, but I wonder when we finally do it, if I'll have a new sense of loss, a feeling of reality that he is forever gone, or will it be a release?  (Why do I have the song, "Forever young" by Rod Stewart playing in my head right now?)  Somehow I doubt we'd want to place his urn in our family plot because our family doesn't think to pray for the dead nor would they want to create a marker.  I suppose it's because my husband is much more a realist.  He used to be very religious when we were younger, but he has gravitated away from the priests and church. Quite honestly, now that our children are no longer young little ones, we have moved away from the church. I still quietly pray and go back to how much I appreciated starting Patrick's service in a church, but we've moved away from the strict religious dogma of the church.

Patrick died in January, but we only celebrated his life during a memorial when restrictions were lifted.   My large family is a bunch of huggers, and I needed those hugs.  Hence the reason why we waited.  In fact, the timing was perfect: most everyone had gotten vaccinated, the church did not restrict seating, and masks were not required.  But try to do that now and forget it.  We're back to all those restrictions.

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Lisa M.

Danielle,   I find myself in the opposite end of that spectrum.  The people  I work with, tiptoe around me not saying a word.  I feel so isolated at times.  I don't make friends easily. I suppose because I don't trust easily.  My very best friend  moved to SD when she retired to be near her family. A week after Don passed, she arranged  for me to fly down to see her.  I got the hug I so desperately needed.  We packed up her car and took a road trip to CO to hand deliver Don's ashes to his sister.  Once again, I  got the hug of my life from my daughter.  I now cling to every phone call or text I  get from her as she is now my only child. We did his celebration of life exactly one month after he passed.  Everyone that came were from his wife's side of the family ( they were never married  but were together  so long  they called each other married)and friends of his.  I have no family left other than my daughter.   My Mom, brother and sister  have all passed away.  My brother and sister  died 7 months apart.  I am no stranger to death, but losing my son is the worst of all.  The deepest wound, I am not sure will ever heal. His wife is not in a good place and has pulled away from me.  I will call to check on her and she makes comments like "she wishes people would just leave her alone.  So, now I just check every once in a while.  You all are the only ones that I have been able to "talk" to.  I wish I could hug you all.  It has only been 2  1/2 months and I honestly feel worse  now than I did at the beginning.  I am looking at retiring at the end of next year.  I am in  such a weird place now. Not sure what I will do, I just know that after 40 yrs , I don't want to work anymore.  I have learned how quickly things can change  and I want to do something other than  work every day . I am giving each and every one of you  a hug this morning.  

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Changed

Hello, I am Roz and I post on ‘loss of an adult child’ .  I had no idea, until an hour ago, that you had such an active thread going.  
I see that Mason’s Mom has been reaching out to you all - she also mostly posts on ‘loss of an adult child’ - a thread that has been going for many years.   If you care to come over to there you will find lots of past posts to read that I’m sure will resonate with you all. 
I lost my wonderful son, David, at the end of 2016.  He was married with a young son and lived in Australia - I live in England.  I have one other child, a daughter, who also lives in England.  
I am so sorry that you find yourselves having to face this terrible sadness but hope that you can find comfort and understanding here.

peace to you all, Roz.    
‘Loss of an adult child’ can be found top left of this page or click on my badge and go to another  of my posts then to last page.  You can read past posts by clicking on our badges.

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Danielle Masata

Hi Roz.  I'm very non-techie, but I think you are saying I can go back to past posts.  I can find other sections that may be relevant.  One is "loss of an adult child" while this one is called loss of an adult son.  Doesn't matter to me, but I like updated posts.  

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Mason’s Mom

Thanks Roz, she is right that is where I usually post.  I found the older post comforting and feel a connection to Roz and the other parents. Meet us over there. 

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Roseypal

Good Morning All,

Wow, this has been an exceptionally hard weekend.  Both of my sons stopped over and they were struggle, it really mad me sad.  They miss their brother so much.  I remember when my sister passed, we were so close, I felt so lost.  It just so hard seeing how sad they are.  It makes me so, so, so much sadder.

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Changed

Hi Roseypal,  it is so hard to see people you love struggling and feeling so sad - I understand how it makes you feel when there is nothing you can do to make it better.   I find myself trying to hide how bad I am feeling to make it easier on others - that’s not really healthy or sustainable.   My daughter tries to be strong for me and finds it hard to open up about her feelings about losing her brother.
Take care, Roz

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Michael Rodriguez

i t seems we all hard a a hard weekend , in reality all my weekends are miserable. sunday are the worst . i just stare at his pictures and i can not stop the pain 

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Roseypal

Thank you all for reaching out and not letting me feel alone.  Sometimes I think I am going crazy, this grief is so incredible hard.  Sunday after my middle son left, I just laid on my bathroom floor and balled my eyes out. 

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Changed

Hi Lisa, it’s such early days for you - I know how impossibly hard it seems.   I was walking at dusk one evening and people in cars were stopping to see if I were ok - I must have looked in a terrible state.  Of course, I was in a terrible state - I have felt the impulse to run away to be on my own since my son, David, died just so I don’t need to make an effort for me or anyone.  It gets more pressing if I’m under extra stress.

Having said all of that my grief has got softer, it’s always there but not constantly debilitating.

Take care, Roz

 

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