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Loss of adult son


Lisa M.

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Michael Rodriguez

i think this is the one and only place i can reach out and people know how i feel....im also very sorry for your loss roseypal. some times i miss not getting a post , because i can cry some and know that some body else is crying along with  me.....i miss my brian so much......

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Roseypal

I cry everyday, I really, really, miss Mike.  These are my three boys, Mike is the one in the middle.  He was the oldest.

CD365F89-2BE7-4A7B-A61D-2AD4270600D7.jpeg

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Michael Rodriguez

looks like a happy nice kid...... brian used to work with me and lived at home/ he was 28 when he passed away// had a tumor , operation went fine , complicated 2 days later.  my daughter lives in portland so im basically alone as my wife and i have our differences

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Roseypal

Their father died from suicide 21 years ago May and I never remarried.  My sister/best friend was killed in a car accident 9 years ago May.

My mom passed away April 4, 2020, my dad October 27, 2020, Mike December 17, 2020.  Mike passed away from bilateral pulmonary embolism due to thrombosis of the right side of the heart.  He and his wife (they were married 11/2/2019) lived in Chicago but was home most of the month of October.  His younger brother got married October 17, and then my dad, his grandpa took a turn for the worse so he stuck around.  He wasn't feeling well, but due to covid, he was so paranoid about catching it, dragged his feet about seeing a doctor.  He actually had made an appointment and was suppose to go the Monday after he passed.  I just can't come to terms with this.  I tried so hard to protect them and raise them all by myself.  They were all grown up and married, I was so happy.  It was just so short lived.  Now I am just trying to figure out how not to be sad.  I am sad every day.  

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Michael Rodriguez

 bilateral pulmonary embolism due to thrombosis of the right side of the heart. that was the exact complication Brian had !!!! Brian never got married, he lived at home and went thru quite an array of girlfriends and just found out that he also dated  some divorced ladies that quite easily could have been his mom....i guess we are the last to know about our kids love life. we have a medium size factory and supply home depot. walmart and other big boxes , so i would get to work before 6 am ,brian would get here past 7 with our breakfast and his first words thru our office doors would be /////morning ......i never thought that a word like "morning" would end up meaning so much to me 

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Roseypal

Mike had a tumor as well in his chest that they removed 4 years prior.  They called it a thrombosis, it grew from the thymus gland, they were uncertain how long it had been there, however it was the size of a footbal, 15 pds.  They had to crack his chest as they would for open heart surgery.  The surgery went well however I do believe that it was the beginning of his demise.  I am so sorry about your son Brian.  It has me wondering even if Mike would have made it to the doctors would it be different.  The coroner said that at his age they would never had looked for a blood clot, and they never put him on any kind of blood thinners after surgery.  I am sure you miss hearing morning from Brian, I know I miss hearing Mike say anything, but especially, I love you Mom.

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Michael Rodriguez

we seem to have very similar situations......brians tumor was huge , but we never noticed , until one day he went to the doctor for a back pain that would not stop

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Roseypal

It's just so sad, they were both so very young, had their whole lives ahead of them.  Mike and his wife were planning on moving back to Cleveland this summer.  I would have had all 3 boys back home.  I was so excited.

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Michael Rodriguez

its funny , the decision that we took( although i tried to change my mind before surgery) was to do chemo and radio therapy ,,,,,but the wise doctors said " he is young and he has his whole life ahead of him" /////and here i am going in 90 days without a hug a kiss or a morning from him .......whole life ahead of him....yeah right!!!!! ive made up my mind , ill never set foot at a doctors office or a hospital in my life....if i get sick , ill just join him!!!

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Roseypal

wow, we do have a lot in common, I really think that is why Mike didn't go see a doctor, his whole life I have pretty much taken care of him and his aliments, even when he had a wart on his foot, Jack (my husband, Mike's dad) kept taking him to the doctor and nothing worked.  When Jack died, Mike still had the wart, so I researched it and it said to use duct tape, which we did and it went away, never came back.  That is who I am.  I never go to the doctor, and do not have any plans too.  I agree if anything happens, I will join him, as well.

So, did he have cancer?  Mike's tumor was not cancer.

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Michael Rodriguez

good morning.......yes it seems it was cancer....by the time the biopsy results came back, Brian was gone so I did not care anymore. One of the doctors after Brian;s first mass told me and said that it would have been a bad period of suffering for him , so at the end of the day i guess only God knows

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Roseypal

Good Morning,  I have girlfriend who has been suffering with jaw cancer for 4 years, it has been awful.  I think of her and I feel Mike was spared an awful ordeal.  Obviously something wasn't right with his health.  It sure doesn't stop me from missing him every minute though.

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Michael Rodriguez

Brian was real active. and had quite a social life ....all his friends got a tatoo with his name after he passed. he might not been able to take the trauma that goes w cancer.....i really dont know ........only thing for sure is that i miss hum everyday more

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Roseypal

I sure understand that, its crazy sometimes I forget and I think oh I need to call Mike, or I have to tell Mike.  We talked so much.  We actually talked 3 times the day he passed.  

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Danielle Masata

I am a first time visitor, but trying to cope with the loss of my adult son since he passed in January.  I thought I was doing okay until yesterday.  A neighbor, who had been away, returned yesterday.  She is now a grandmother and that news and our contrasts just aches!  We were never close and our new status (me: a grieving mom and her: a happy-go-lucky grandma) couldn't be more opposed.  These gloomy days in the northeast don't help.  

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Michael Rodriguez

im sorry Danielle , at least you came to a place where none of us wants to be. if you dont mind, what was your son's name and how old was he? my sons name was brian and he would have turned 29 on june 19

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Danielle Masata

Patrick was 33 years old.  His birthday will be in coming up in August.

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Danielle Masata

Patrick lived with us.  He always appreciated our help and guidance and knew he needed it.  Life was always a struggle for him from the time he was born, a premie. He was continually assaulted and bullied even in his 20s & 30s.  Everyone took advantage of him in the most cruel way (stole his money, his phone, his car.)  Once, when kids stole his car and he promised to drive them around if they gave it back, they crushed his glasses! Just a few years ago, kids beat him up so badly, he required 4 surgeries on his nasal cavity (and repaired by the top surgeon at Yale).  I think those bullies did that because he was so naive, so anxious, and so easily manipulated, but also because he was very attractive with big brown eyes and eyelashes that never stopped. So many people (friends, doctors, teachers, neighbors, relatives) came from all over the country to attend his funeral.  He never would have guessed how many people really loved him.

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Michael Rodriguez

really sorry Patrick had it so tough. Brian also lived with us and worked with me , but he was independent and now, 3 months after his passing, i realize he was to independent. instead of coming to us with the pain he was suffering with, he kept all to himself.....maybe i used the wrong word "independent" in that particular case was stupid of him. 

it will be 90 days tomorrow since i last saw him, i miss him so much

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Lisa M.

Yesterday was the two month mark of Don's passing.  A very rough day for me.  Today is my Mom's angel day.  I suspect  today will be rough also. I try so hard to make it through each day, but sometimes a meltdown  will just come out of no where and literally make it hard for me to breathe. I feel so overwhelmed with grief.  My heart is aching.  I think of you all daily and it helps me to read your stories because I know I am not alone. Thank you all for sharing. 

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Michael Rodriguez

lisa, i agree ....we need a huge group hug!!! because we are helping each other survive......ill be here to.answer or quote.

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Danielle Masata

Lisa, I'm so sorry you experience such deep, deep sorrow that it becomes debilitating.  I too experienced those times and thoroughly weakened me for a whole day.  Now, 6 months after Patrick passed, the sorrow is like a dull pain that never goes away.  I think of him often, but at times try to imagine what it was like not too long ago: would I hear him coughing as he was falling asleep?  Would he be in the kitchen making himself a snack?  Would I find him sneaking about like a 15 year old, drinking a beer? Would I be sitting here on the computer, worrying about him cuz he went out?  I never stopped worrying.

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Danielle Masata

Michael, my dog and I visit the local hospital as a Pet Therapy team.  We stopped by one patient's room room today who explained how "stupid" she was to have fallen and broken her arm.  I reassured her that we are all human and that we all make mistakes.  I want to say the same thing to you about Brian.  How was he to know how sick he was?  It's possible he didn't say anything to you because he didn't even know the extent of the issues either.  And learning how much you love him, it's also possible he didn't want to worry you.  As they say, hearing about someone else's illness is much more difficult than being the patient.  I wish my dog could just sit near you to share your grief as she did with me.  She's a real cuddler.

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Michael Rodriguez

morning danielle , i did not mean that he was stupid . i just get upset that if he was in pain o dealing with something , why did he not come to me ... i really do not care how old he was , it was my job to protect him !!! that is why i have worked so hard my whole life so my family can have a very comfortable life. and i know . no im sure he did it not to worry us. 

it so nice of you to do the pet therapy ..... i think it would be hard with our Bruno ....he is a 200 pound old english mastiff

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Lisa M.

I struggle with the what ifs.  What if I  had figured things out sooner.   I could have gotten him better help. I could have made sure he had better quality of life toward the end.  I close my eyes and I can still see him take that last breathe.  Danielle, it's good to know  that this will one day just be a dull ache.  This feeling is so hard.   I would love a dog cuddle right now.  Even from Michael's huge dog.  Thank you for your words.

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Michael Rodriguez

you sure can tell us 3 are newbies .....we keep on going back and forth replying and posting !!!! i hope they dont kick us out for abusing our priviledges

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Danielle Masata

Michael, of course you don't truly think he was stupid.  What an overwhelming feeling Brian must have experienced when he first learned of his medical issues and I suspect he naturally shared with you those emotions for your support.  I didn't mean to imply anything but the frustrations when looking back on something and feeling we could have changed something, anything, to have a different result. 

We struggled with issues during all of Patrick's life.  Every single minute.  And yet, we still couldn't prevent where it was headed despite our intense effort.  These days, I think to myself that it is unimaginable that Patrick is gone.  I would give anything to have another day with our son.  How can he be gone when he was so fully a part of our lives not long ago?  In answer to that question and in my search for help, support, and answers to help me cope with this question, I have discovered that the best answer is to recognize that we have a new relationship. Adjustment is hard.  Patrick doesn't need us as he once did.  But I find myself saying and truly feeling that "at last he is at peace".  I hope you to can feel this too Lisa, but grieving is a process and there's no time limit to these strong feelings.  I too get overwhelmingly sad too, which is why I'm here.  Sharing is one of the best ways to help me cope.  Thank you for that.

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Roseypal

Good Morning,  just wanted to say I am thinking of all of you today, and wishing you the best day possible.  I am thankful for all of you, I appreciate the support I feel from this group.

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Michael Rodriguez

hi roseypal ,danielle,lisa, masons mom , and all  the rest im missing ...... well,it is a new day but with the same heavy heart. finally clicked on me that i was there when brian was born (wasnt there when, nikki my eldest, was born , got there about 3 hours later) and i was there when he took his last breathe and everything in the middle.i was so proud as a dad that i finally had my baby boy , God have i spoiled my children ....brian by far more than nikki. nikki is 4 years older than brian , when she graduated from high school and left to university in north carolina  brian got her jetta , 6 months later he got me to buy him a new car since jetta's were for girls !!! brat couldnt even legally drive and by then was in his second car !

 

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Roseypal

It sure helps me to think of the memories I have, those are mine forever ❤️

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Danielle Masata

Roseypal, I hope you're okay.  I tried to write earlier, but lost my internet connection.

I'm oh so sad right now.  First, I came upon two photos that my son's roommate had taken during the very short time he lived there.  Patrick, happy as always, looked serene, pensive, but just on the verge of a big smile.  The second photo is his dear smile.  And just now I noticed an area in our pantry that seemed missing something,  I couldn't figured out what had filled that space.  And then it hit me: it was Patrick's great big container of "protein powder" that he'd scoop from when making protein drinks just before he'd exercise.  

It occurred to me how much has changed in just these past few months.  We don't have nearly as much food around the house now and my husband isn't buying as many snack foods that he used to get when grocery shopping.  And not many leftovers that we'd make so Patrick could enjoy his midnight snacks. (how did he mange to stay so thin? 140lbs!)  I remember when my husband first went to the grocery store after Patrick died and that he felt absolutely immobile when he saw so many foods he used to buy.  It's not like that now, just 6 months later.

Life hasn't stayed still.  Who knows if the roommate would still be living in that same apartment.  He moved out after a few months Patrick left in October because he couldn't afford the rent alone.  Then he got Covid.  Would Patrick have gotten sick too?  I drive around now and see so many businesses re-open, but many have closed too, including the one where Patrick loved to go and meet up with his buddies.  Would he have gotten a new job and doing what? Joblessness was the primary reason why he had to move back home: he didn't handle his free time well after he lost his job in October.  Whatever job he could get after looking and looking was a less-than minimal wage job.  He was so discouraged and declared he'd never be able to live on his own. It is no surprise that he died in January; that was always a hard time of year.

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Mason’s Mom

Mason had hypertrophic cardio myopathy, undiagnosed. So his sudden death at age 21 was unexpected. Mason was far from perfect but he had such a heart for people especially those less fortunate. So many people have shared stories of ways he reached out and helped them. Classmates have written essays for college courses and one is getting her Masters in Social Work she had an assignment to reflect on a difficult time in life and who offered support. She said it reminded her of the role Mason played in her young life and how he could make her smile and feel less alone. It is hard to accept that he is gone and WHY.

I struggled buying groceries as well and I have not been back to the last place we had dinner together. 

Those ifs are so hard what if I had known,  what could I have done differently. We can't turn back time so we had to remember the good and the love we showed our kids. I  certainly can't imagine my life without him and I strive to keep his memory fresh. 

Peace and comfort to all.

Carol

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Michael Rodriguez

"ifs" are making my life miserable ! i take the blame and i guess i will always blame myself. i did what the doctors said was the best option, I suppose that brian wanted it also and i was just there for support, but i should have started with chemo first and go one step at a time and not rush as we did, maybe, regardless , he would be dead by now also. maybe he would be suffering too much......i have no idea and that is why the ifs are killing me

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Roseypal

It’s so true ”ifs” are very difficult and sad, however I know we have no control and change is inevitable.  We all loved our children and did not make choices that would harm them in anyway.  I wish my out come was different, I wish Mike was still here, I don’t think I will ever understand WHY???  I do know that he was loved so much, and if any one of us had a choice our children would still be here.  You sound like a great man and an even better dad, stay strong ❤️

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Mason’s Mom

I posted the message above on my Facebook page. It is so true. As for feeling our children are close is true. Open your heart to those messages. 

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Lisa M.

This post says it all. I am not on Facebook so I  appreciate you sharing.   Some days are so hard for me. I go through the motions of the day but my mind is off somewhere else. I still can't believe he is gone and I feel his presence  at times too. I go through periods of time where I will be ok and then I am nauseous and can't eat or breathe.   I am sorry I am rambling but I don't stay focused very well these days.  I wonder if he knew how very much I loved him and how proud I was of the man he had become. Did I tell him enough. What could I have done differently.   I am just so sad all the time.  It's hard.

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Roseypal

Hi Lisa, 

I am not on Facebook either, my yoga instructor/friend sent that to me and it really touched home.  People say such stupid things.  I ran into my sister-in-law about a week ago when I was heading to a dentist appointment.  She hasn't really given me the time of day since Mike passed.  Anyways, she asked me how I was, I told her I didn't know how to answer that question, I said I really don't think anyone is ever OK after they loose a child, her response to me was, "you know, you do have two other boys", WTF, are you kidding me.  I wanted to punch her in the face.  She has three girls, if she looses one, would she think, well I do have two still here?  Sometimes especially when you have no fricking idea how or what this is like, its best to say nothing at all.  Or maybe just say, hey, it's nice to see you.  I am sad as well, every day, I am sad.  It's very hard being sad every day.  Sometimes I am so angry I don't even know what to do.  I find myself not wanting to be around people, so I spend a lot of time just with me.  I miss my old life with Mike, I do not like this new life/me one little bit.  

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Michael Rodriguez

good morning, i agree with the post and i aslo dont have FB....this is my largest social media space i have!!!! lisa , i think we all go thru the same emotions everyday ......my first tears start rolling while i am in the shower. i have different pictures of brian i just flip from time to time. and when i am alone in my office , even though i am working , i can feel the tears rolling. i ask myself everyday so many  questions and i still find myself searching for things i could have done differently .....so lisa, when you feel that way , remember that a bunch of us are going thru the same ......i know , that nobody wants to be in this group by choice, but at least we can express ourselves

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Michael Rodriguez
12 minutes ago, Roseypal said:

Hi Lisa, 

I am not on Facebook either, my yoga instructor/friend sent that to me and it really touched home.  People say such stupid things.  I ran into my sister-in-law about a week ago when I was heading to a dentist appointment.  She hasn't really given me the time of day since Mike passed.  Anyways, she asked me how I was, I told her I didn't know how to answer that question, I said I really don't think anyone is ever OK after they loose a child, her response to me was, "you know, you do have two other boys", WTF, are you kidding me.  I wanted to punch her in the face.  She has three girls, if she looses one, would she think, well I do have two still here?  Sometimes especially when you have no fricking idea how or what this is like, its best to say nothing at all.  Or maybe just say, hey, it's nice to see you.  I am sad as well, every day, I am sad.  It's very hard being sad every day.  Sometimes I am so angry I don't even know what to do.  I find myself not wanting to be around people, so I spend a lot of time just with me.  I miss my old life with Mike, I do not like this new life/me one little bit.  

i also find that my alone time is much better than time "being with others" . sometimes i wish,( im sitting smack in the middle of all america) to flip a coin, take Brian's jeep and either head north all the way to alaska or south all the way to tierra del fuego i argentina.....all by myself.....no company no nothing....

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Michael Rodriguez
6 minutes ago, Roseypal said:

Good Morning Michael

good morning 

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Roseypal

I don't know if anyone else has read any self help books pertaining to a loss of a child.  I have read a few.  This current one I am reading, Surviving the loss of a Child, By: Elizabeth B. Brown, gives the dangers if you do not make the choice to survive.  She says, half of those who lose a child report serious health problems within two years; 35 percent are under psychiatric care; 25 percent report psychosomatic disorders such as ulcers, colitis, or hypertension in a family member;  40 percent have serious drinking or drug problems; 48 percent have at least one child with serious school problems; 43 percent report significant difficulty in the mother's homemaking ability; 88 percent feel a family member to be abnormally consumed with morbid grief reactions.  After reading this I thought to myself where do I fall in?  I don't want to be any of these dangers, Mike would be so disappointed in me, however, surviving, making the conscious effort to survive really takes a lot of courage and effort.  Has anyone heard of Compassionate Friends?  It's a group of parents, or parent, who have loss children.  They are all over the world.  They are finally meeting again in person.  In my area they meet the last Monday of every month.  I am hoping I have the courage to show up Monday 7/26 @ 7:00.  I found out about them when I read my first self help book, it was actually written by 10 parents who lost children.  They all meet in this group and have stayed in touch.  I looked them up on the internet and that's how I found the group in my area.

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Mason’s Mom
19 minutes ago, Roseypal said:

I don't know if anyone else has read any self help books pertaining to a loss of a child.  I have read a few.  This current one I am reading, Surviving the loss of a Child, By: Elizabeth B. Brown, gives the dangers if you do not make the choice to survive.  She says, half of those who lose a child report serious health problems within two years; 35 percent are under psychiatric care; 25 percent report psychosomatic disorders such as ulcers, colitis, or hypertension in a family member;  40 percent have serious drinking or drug problems; 48 percent have at least one child with serious school problems; 43 percent report significant difficulty in the mother's homemaking ability; 88 percent feel a family member to be abnormally consumed with morbid grief reactions.  After reading this I thought to myself where do I fall in?  I don't want to be any of these dangers, Mike would be so disappointed in me, however, surviving, making the conscious effort to survive really takes a lot of courage and effort.  Has anyone heard of Compassionate Friends?  It's a group of parents, or parent, who have loss children.  They are all over the world.  They are finally meeting again in person.  In my area they meet the last Monday of every month.  I am hoping I have the courage to show up Monday 7/26 @ 7:00.  I found out about them when I read my first self help book, it was actually written by 10 parents who lost children.  They all meet in this group and have stayed in touch.  I looked them up on the internet and that's how I found the group in my area.

I read "The Unspeakable Loss".A guide to hope and healing after the death of a child, from a grief counselor and psychotherapist who has been there. Nisha Zenoff lost her son in a tragic accident when he was just seventeen years old. 

It is copulation of stories from parents that lost their children and it helped to understand that others felt many of the same things as me. I still go back and read parts from time to time.  Many of the things I read or have been told about grief just didn't touch me or my feelings, the grief steps I don't feel fit my situation.  I don't think I  went through those steps,  I feel I went from deep gut wrenching pain, to fear and then to settle with a deep sadness that is a part of me everyday and especially at night. Still get knocked to my knees with pain but I get up and move forward everyday.  I am going to be a first time Grandma August 4th if not sooner.  My daughter has had high blood pressure and heart palpitations,  she had to wear a heart monitor this week.  That was very stressful since we lost her brother to a heart condition. 

Peace and comfort to all,

Carol 

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Roseypal

I read that book as well.  That is very exciting about being a first time Grandma, enjoy :wub2:

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Michael Rodriguez

congratulations to the soon to be grandma !!!!!!

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Danielle Masata

Congratulations Carol!  Exciting, but scary times for you.  Best wishes everyone is fine.

Michael, so sorry you find being alone is easier than being with others.  That surprises me, given how you are online: empathetic, vulnerable, open, and expressive.  I have learned so much from you.  I hope people in RL get to know that side of you.

Roseypal, every night I read a new page from the book, Healing After Loss, by Martha W. Hickman.  I learned about this book after reading an article written by Ray Dalio after his son died from a tragic car accident in December 2020.  (Look it up.)  I love that illustration you posted above.  I remember hearing about that book last fall, when life was simpler.  Can you share the book's title/author?  I'm thinking I'd like to buy that book.

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Michael Rodriguez

good morning to all . believe it or not, it is much easier for me to open to you guys than to others.... although we share a "house" , my relationship with my wife has not been in the best of terms for years. ours is a big house and she has a daughter and grandchild from a previous marriage and her mother living with us. so since brian passed , i have no blood relatives living with me.my daughter is in portland. i have 2 sisters , one lives in minnesota and the other one does live here in honduras, but i see them once in a blue moon. so i try to spend as much time as i can at work rather than at home......well ive confessed my sins to all of you guys!!!!

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