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Loss of adult son


Lisa M.

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Lisa M.

My son passed away on May 12th, 2021.  The pain is unbearable.   I am no stranger to death.  I have lost both parents and both of my siblings, but the loss of my son is so much worse.  I feel like I can't make it through the day sometimes.  It's not like I cry all day, but it comes over me at times and I can't seem to control it.  I apologize if I am rambling but that is where I am right now.   I have a hard time focusing on anything.  The only place I feel any sense of normalcy  is at work.  Even there, I have my moments my meltdowns,  but it doesn't  seem to happen as often. Everyone says it will get easier, right now I don't see that happening. 

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Michael Rodriguez

Lisa , hi my name is Michael and i lost Brian exactly 2 months ago. is his 29th birthday on saturday and i go thru the same stages as you do. sunday's are the worst ....i try to come to work on sunday mornings and do my weekly planning and head back home at noon......the rest of the day is a living nightmare. Brian passed after a complication of a surgery that went well....he had a large tumor extracted .......but all went downhill after that. 

Brian used to work with me , we have our own company , we would share office and Brian would get here at 8:00 am i get here around 6:00  am.....now i find myself staring at my office door waiting on his " morning dad" and i know it will never happen again but yet , every morning at 8:00 am i stare at my door waiting on a miracle!!!!

so believe me, i know what you are going thru 

 

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Lisa M.

I am so sorry.  You don't  have the luxury of coming to work to escape.  Yours  may be worse because that is where you spent a lot of your time together.  Don called me everyday.   I still wait for that call. I have pictures around the house and of course I look at them and cry.  Removing them is not an option.   I have read that losing a child (no matter what age) is the ultimate tragedy.  I believe that to be true.   We were told he had 3-6 months.  It then went to 3 months within a week.  From there he was placed into hospice (at home) on a Thursday.   I was then told  5-7 days,so I  took myself out to his home and stayed with him every minute.  His wife and I took turns sleeping so he would not be alone.  He slept most of that time but we would talk to him and he did things that let us know he did hear us.  On Wednesday  at 7 pm he took his last breath.  His wife on one side holding his hand and his heart, me holding his other hand  and kissing him .  I can say I was there when he came into this world and I was there when he left.  I am just having SO many different emotions and unless you have experienced this, you can't possibly describe how it feels.  I appreciate you listening.   It helps to talk to someone that knows exactly what it feels like.   Thank you

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Mason’s Mom

Lisa, you are right the loss of a child is so much worse than any other loss. Your journey has just started.  I returned to work 3 weeks after losing my son. It did help to escape and help me focus on something other than my grief.  I had break downs some there as well,  I had a few other moms that had lost a child so they really helped me. The shock waves will continue.  It has been 3 1/2 years and I still have those waves that send me to my knees. 

Michael,  last year in March I was sent home from the office and have worked from home since then.  That was hard because I was surrounded by memories of my son. He wasn't living at home when he passed but he grew up here. I Struggled with the isolation and the restrictions. I need to be busy and go places to get my mind on something other than my pain.

Don't let others tell you how to grieve this is your path. Find others who can relate and seek counseling if you can. Everyone on this site has been very helpful and understanding. Just reading their stories can help you understand your pain and know you are not alone. 

May you find comfort and peace. 

Carol  (Mason's Mom)

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Michael Rodriguez

thank you lisa and thanks you carol. yes it is tough coming to work and have everything related to Brian. believe me , it is tough at home also. Brian never got married and he lived with us at home. ill be 60 in september ,and we have had our business since '89 ......everybody tells me that i have to hire somebody to hejp me .....so i can replace Brian the manager , but how do i replace Brian the son !!???? so im back to where i was  32 years ago , doing it on my own ......back then i had 16 employees , we have 207 now. 

BTW we live in Honduras , and i am proud to say that none of my employees has left on the famous caravans , we pay above min wage and they get all the benefits.....but the point im trying to make is ; i was on the plant floor a few weeks ago and i could see the workers doing their jobs and carrying along and thought to myself ( it is not that we are wealthy but we are  well off), that i would give everything i have for the happiness that they have ; and remove  the sorrow i carry in my heart .

i just beg to God to at least give me a tear for Brian everyday until the day  i die, so he can know how much i love him 

 

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Mason’s Mom
40 minutes ago, Michael Rodriguez said:

thank you lisa and thanks you carol. yes it is tough coming to work and have everything related to Brian. believe me , it is tough at home also. Brian never got married and he lived with us at home. ill be 60 in september ,and we have had our business since '89 ......everybody tells me that i have to hire somebody to hejp me .....so i can replace Brian the manager , but how do i replace Brian the son !!???? so im back to where i was  32 years ago , doing it on my own ......back then i had 16 employees , we have 207 now. 

BTW we live in Honduras , and i am proud to say that none of my employees has left on the famous caravans , we pay above min wage and they get all the benefits.....but the point im trying to make is ; i was on the plant floor a few weeks ago and i could see the workers doing their jobs and carrying along and thought to myself ( it is not that we are wealthy but we are  well off), that i would give everything i have for the happiness that they have ; and remove  the sorrow i carry in my heart .

i just beg to God to at least give me a tear for Brian everyday until the day  i die, so he can know how much i love him 

 

 

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Lisa M.

Thank you both.  It helps so much to hear your thoughts and know I have someone to talk to that understands exactly.0

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Mason’s Mom

Yes we understand. I would give all my worldly possessions to have my son back. It is selfish of me. However I feel that a part of me is missing and time will not fill the missing part.

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Michael Rodriguez

thank you lisa and thanks you carol. yes it is tough coming to work and have everything related to Brian. believe me , it is tough at home also. Brian never got married and he lived with us at home. ill be 60 in september ,and we have had our business since '89 ......everybody tells me that i have to hire somebody to hejp me .....so i can replace Brian the manager , but how do i replace Brian the son !!???? so im back to where i was  32 years ago , doing it on my own ......back then i had 16 employees , we have 207 now. 

BTW we live in Honduras , and i am proud to say that none of my employees has left on the famous caravans , we pay above min wage and they get all the benefits.....but the point im trying to make is ; i was on the plant floor a few weeks ago and i could see the workers doing their jobs and carrying along and thought to myself ( it is not that we are wealthy but we are  well off), that i would give everything i have for the happiness that they have ; and remove  the sorrow i carry in my heart .

i just beg to God to at least give me a tear for Brian everyday until the day  i die, so he can know how much i love him 

 

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Michael Rodriguez

no idea what a blessing you both have been ......been looking for somebody to talk too....we dont have any support groups here as you have in the states ...so if you dont mind, keep the words flowing !!!!

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daveydow1

Carol, Virginia,   Roz.....I have missed coming on this site. Yesterday marked

the Angel day for my son, David.  (18 years).  Sometimes it seems

like a 100 years since I have seen him, and yet just like yesterday. 

I know that you all know what I mean. I will try to get back here more

often, but I do have a bit of trouble navigation the site...seems it has

changed a bit.  However, it is a place we can all come to and share the

grief we have.  Peace to you.

  

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daveydow1

Michael Rodriguez---- I am glad that you have found this site. I'm

sorry for the loss you have had that brought you to this kind of

site, but I hope you will continue to come here.  Sharing the

grief with others who understand, firsthand, the loss can 

bring some comfort to the aching soul.  Peace to you.

    David&Lisasmom, sherry    

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daveydow1

Lisa M-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son.

Yes, as you say, the loss in unbearable. Everyone here

at this site understands.  Take care, and Peace to you.

  Davey&Lisasmom,  sherry

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Mason’s Mom

Sherry,  good to hear from you and yes we understand the time warp. How can it be over 3 years and I survived and yet it seems I haven't seen or heard Mason for far longer. Just keep moving forward one hour,  one week and so on and so forth 

Peace and comfort to all.

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shorty16

Hello all,  It has been 13 years this.month that my Bian died in a car crash at 16 years old.  

Those new to this, you will not always feel this searing pain.  You will smile again.

Take care my friends

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

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Lisa M.

I appreciate you all.  It has only been a month since Don passed.  Sometimes I am in just pure denial,  like it hasn't really happened and he'll be coming home from a work trip.  Other times I just sit and cry because I can't believe he is gone.  I run through things I wish I would have said and done in the last months.  My thoughts seem to involve him most of the day.  Sunday is Fathers day, which will be a hard day.  He was an awesome father and his 3 sons adored him.  As a single parent,  I was so proud of the man he became. I wish I would have told him that more often.  I realize my words are running in all different directions and I appreciate you all listening.  This site is helping me when I have moments of total melt down.

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Michael Rodriguez

thank you lisa and thanks you carol. yes it is tough coming to work and have everything related to Brian. believe me , it is tough at home also. Brian never got married and he lived with us at home. ill be 60 in september ,and we have had our business since '89 ......everybody tells me that i have to hire somebody to hejp me .....so i can replace Brian the manager , but how do i replace Brian the son !!???? so im back to where i was  32 years ago , doing it on my own ......back then i had 16 employees , we have 207 now. 

BTW we live in Honduras , and i am proud to say that none of my employees has left on the famous caravans , we pay above min wage and they get all the benefits.....but the point im trying to make is ; i was on the plant floor a few weeks ago and i could see the workers doing their jobs and carrying along and thought to myself ( it is not that we are wealthy but we are  well off), that i would give everything i have for the happiness that they have ; and remove  the sorrow i carry in my heart .

i just beg to God to at least give me a tear for Brian everyday until the day  i die, so he can know how much i love him 

 

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Michael Rodriguez

hi colleen, brian,s mother .......my brian passed away 2 months ago after a surgery that started well but did not finish well ......his 29th birthday is this coming saturday so they must have been the same age. i cant imagine going year after year carrying this pain ......lisa im having a total melt down right now ,,,,,want to join me....??? am i the only man in this groiup am i in the wrong group ????

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Mason’s Mom

You are not in the wrong group. Birthdays and holidays are so very hard. I schedule days off work for Mason's birthday and for the day he passed. When you feel like you having a meltdown remember to breathe.  Sounds ridiculous however I would find that I was barely breathing,  taking shallow breathes because it hurt. Taking deep cleansing breath helped to control my mind and me get my emotions in check 

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Lisa M.

Thank you Mason's mom.  I will try to use your breathing technique, especially here art work.   Something happened today that just left me dumbfounded.   A person that works in the same building as I do said " you look better today,  you must be getting over it".  I would never dream of saying that to someone. Honestly, I  feel as if I will NEVER get over it, but with you all here, I do feel like I can make it through the day.  Right now that is all  I  can hope for.   Thank you all. 

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Michael Rodriguez

first of all ....ive missed the comfort of hearing from you guys ......second Lisa dont pay any attention ....no body knows how we feel

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Mason’s Mom

Oh Lisa,  people can and do say they dumbest things. If you have never experienced loss of child it is best for them to say nothing at all.  So many people told me "time heals all wounds". I know that is supposed to comfort us but they really have no idea how deeply we hurt. I have read all about the different stages of grief and found that didn't fit my situation and feelings. Don't expect to fit into anyone else's opinion of what they think you should feel or act. We don't get over it,  we get through it. For months I would read others posts but I couldn't type the words and talk about my feelings. I can say I am better some days and I want to help others. I talk to my son all the time and I look for signs of him. I thought people were a little crazy when they talked about signs from loved ones but I have experienced things that I know can only be signs from my son. 

May each of you find comfort and peace. 

Carol

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Michael Rodriguez

morning, tomorrow is Brian's birthday and sunday is father's day ......my daughter , who lives in Portland, and myself decided to convince Brian's mom to go spend a few weeks up in Portland ....so that means im all alone for his birthday!!! my plans are to buy a bunch of birthday balloons . fill them up w helium and go to the cemetery early tomorrow morning and set them up for him. go to mass at noon and then spend the rest of the day with him . just me and him only. 

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Michael Rodriguez

thanks.....ill let him know you said happy b'day

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Lisa M.

Happy birthday Brian.  You are in my thoughts Michael.

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Michael Rodriguez

thanks to every body........i guess for Lisa and I ,being the newbies, are the ones who are trying to understand the process. at least ,I, have no idea what every special day will bring.

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Lisa M.

We will do this together  Michael.   We will support each other

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Michael Rodriguez

good morning Lisa .....well i woke bright and early ....went to the cemetery and filled him up with balloons. ill go to mass now at 12 and then i plan to spend the rest of the afternoon with him until they kick me out.  

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Michael Rodriguez

anybody around , been feeling rather low these las couple of days. today is day 72 , and i know i should not be counting days !!! my suffering gets worst. just wanted to get some stuff out of my chest. needed to write something. feel a little better already

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Mason’s Mom

Counting days is a normal response. We keep thinking if I can make through the day, the week. The month,  the year it will get better.  Things will change but there is an underlying pain that becomes a part of who we are. Time seems to change our perspective as well.  Sometimes I think has really been 3 1/2 years because it still hurts and other times I can't have been that long since I saw and hugged him. Sleep was and still is at times a difficult thing,  I would think if I could just sleep I wouldn't feel this terrible pain,  I would try to sleep my mind would start an endless loop of getting the call,not getting there in time to hold him and tell him how much I loved him. I would also dread going to sleep because the pain upon waking up to find it is all real and he is gone was so hard as well. I saw a counselor that helped me to learn how to focus my mind on other things. 

I hope you are working toward healing and learning how to deal with your emotions. 

Peace and comfort. 

Carol

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Lisa M.

Carol, I know you were responding to Michael  but it so fits where I am right now.   I count days too.  I actually  do fairly well at work because I stay so busy.  When I get home the pain sets in again.  I have a hard time sleeping.   I can't  turn my thoughts off. I work through the what ifs ,the wish I  hads and the how did I  not know there were problems.  I struggle with not being able to see him, talk to him and hug him.  I am doing all I can to maintain.  Thank you for being here.

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Besheka
On 6/13/2021 at 11:59 AM, Lisa M. said:

My son passed away on May 12th, 2021.  The pain is unbearable.   I am no stranger to death.  I have lost both parents and both of my siblings, but the loss of my son is so much worse.  I feel like I can't make it through the day sometimes.  It's not like I cry all day, but it comes over me at times and I can't seem to control it.  I apologize if I am rambling but that is where I am right now.   I have a hard time focusing on anything.  The only place I feel any sense of normalcy  is at work.  Even there, I have my moments my meltdowns,  but it doesn't  seem to happen as often. Everyone says it will get easier, right now I don't see that happening. 

 

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Besheka
Just now, Besheka said:

 

Lisa M i just want you to know that I too lost my adult son. Its coming up on the 4th year n things still are very difficult to deal with. I have finally decided that I can't fight God n he is real n so is heaven n I know my son is there. N 1 day I'll be there with him.  I tried 2 times to kill myself but it wasn't my time.  I will see n be with him again n this time its everlasting life. I will have forever with him.  N since I have tried to approach it tht way was just last fall n for the 1st time my son came to me. Letting me know yes he is still with me.  I decided to go online chat n see if it helps more than therapy.  Talking with others who have been thru what I have may be beneficial.  N when I read you lost your adult soni instantly was drawn to you..then I read he passed on may 12th thts my sons birthday!!!! Which makes me feel as if my son is right here showing me.  Ma your ok i got you. I didn't expect for my son to make a stop see me this morning...but I welcome it n I'm soooo happy rn. Things do get easier..but the pain never goes away you learn to live with it.  Your welcome to chat w me anytime. 

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Besheka

Also I'm sorry about your son. It was very recent and I just know tht your hurting n trying. My biggest suggestion is to pray n I know that is hard cus I to was mad at God for taking my bby boy but its beyond my control.  So I give what I can't do to God n try n learn on him. I had no support except for my best friend who lives 2hours away. So I've been in a bad place for awhile.  Atleast you got busy researching death of a child..n are talking w others. I didn't start my therapy until after 3years I will keep you in my prayers 

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Mason’s Mom

Lisa, I am glad my words helped you too.  I feel that I need to help others as they begin this journey. Without the support of this site and a few friends that suffered the loss of a child not sure how I would have made it.

Besheka  mentioned prayer. Honestly for awhile I couldn't pray. I had begged God to breathe life into my son on the drive to get to him. I had prayed for all my children to be safe and healthy since they were born. I was afraid pray because he hadn't answered my most urgent prayers. I would ask others to pray for me.  I have made it back to praying. I have waited and wanted for Mason to come to me in a dream but it has yet to happen. He does let me know he is with me from time to time. I yearn for those brief signs.

Peace and comfort  

Carol

 

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Michael Rodriguez

thank you guys.....all of you .......i've reached out to a real nice priest and we are having a good talking relation. im really searching for the spiritual side of it and im strongly convinced that he is in heaven and we will eventually find each other again.......and , God i know i cant see you or touch you but i have to believe and trust that you are close to me and if you are close to me Brian is also next to me!!!!! please , i hope i did not get anybody upset and un more pain !!!

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Lisa M.

Can anyone tell me if this feeling of nauseousness goes away after a while.   My whole being is messed up

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Michael Rodriguez

hi lisa, if anybody replies please forward.....

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Mason’s Mom

It will go away.  I struggled to eat after losing my son. Had to force myself to eat. Grief is physical as  well as emotional. 

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Lisa M.

July is a hard month for me.  My beloved dog passed on July 5th 3 yrs ago and and I still miss her.  It is worse now because my son gave her to me and now they are both gone.  July 13th is the 30 year angel day for my mother and I still struggle with that from time to time.  July  25th is my brother's angel day.  He's  been gone 9 years now .  Sometimes it feels like  just yesterday when I got the news.  I am just taking one moment at a time.   That is all I can do.  I'm trying to keep very busy but I'm warning you all, you might be hearing from me a lot this month as I try to make it through.  Thank you all for being here.

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Michael Rodriguez

hi lisa , let me be the first to reply......i am sure we are all here for you.....i've also had a quite a number of spells all week long .....but that is nothing new.

but let me tell you about yesterday , as i have said before , i am my own boss !!!( dont take advantage of it as it has been forever since i've taken some time off.)ive also mentioned that i have searched and have become close to a priest. really searching for spiritual guidance.........well yesterday i did take off.......also , as i have said , we live in honduras. 

well , father tony salinas got a donation from international red cross of sweaters and hoodies.....huge donation ....about 3000 . yesterday we loaded up my jeep  and we went to some real remote places south east of tegucigalpa. places where you would never imagine anybody would or could live there, we took about 120 sweaters and hoodies and we would stop whenever we found some of the locals and give them away. BTW all brand new.

 brian , on pay day, would go to any of the fast foods and buy 25 kids meals and give them away to children in the streets .would fight to get 2 toys w every kids meal so each could get 2.

took off for a non related sentence , is that i was so proud of him !!

i was amazed of how grateful these people are i wish i could send some pictures of the views and sights ......its amazing how beautiful honduras really is. tegucigalpa is as any mid size city in the US ...tall buildings , traffic jams like any city ///  but 10 minutes away of the city limit and you get to experience real nature////i think i have over done it ......but i just wanted lisa's mind to travel somewhere else even if its only why i ramble !!!!

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Michael Rodriguez

lisa , how are you doing today?? stupid question isnt it ??? sundays are the worst for me but i sure hope you guys are enjoying 4th of july!!!!! any cook outs i could get invited too????? you know i wont make it ....a tad far away .....but you could feel good about yourself for inviting me....after all its all about the intentions 

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Roseypal

I am so sorry for everyones loss.  This has been horrific.  I am really struggling.  I am hopeful that this can help me.

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Mason’s Mom

Rosendale, so sorry for your loss.  You have found a place of understanding. We all know the pain and sorrow,  sad to say.  We are a part of a group not of our own choice. 

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