Maybe He Was Suppose To Go Before Me

[tnd]

I've been reading various topics here and somewhere along the line tonight I had a realization. While I want him back, I am relieved that it is not him going through this grief. He had gone through a lot of grief when he lost his first wife (to brain cancer) and even after three years (when we met), he was still grieving. Thank God he is not having to go through such pain again. Not that I am anything special but he made me feel special. I think if I had died before he did he would be in a lot of pain. We talked about that, so I think he would have been. So I am thankful that he is no longer suffering from pain from an illness but also not suffering from grief. The man had been through enough in this life. 

[SDC]

I'm sorry you find yourself at this site and that you're grieving your love. Your perspective that his death spared him from more pain is compassionate, generous, and comforting. It's brutal enough to lose one spouse---no one should endure losing two! I embrace all thoughts and perspectives that give me comfort, and I'm glad this thought provides you with some relief. Take good care. 

 

[KayC]

We go through all kinds of emotions, sometimes at odds with each other, even at the same time!  All of them valid.  My overall feeling is one of relief that George was spared this, but also at times still wish so much he was here to go through life with me.  

[tnd]

KayC:  When I first met my husband at the office, I did not know that his first wife had just passed the week before. He did not know that I was also going thru a dark time with depression and loneliness. But for whatever reason, we clicked. We started having lunch in the cafeteria together and talked about it. We became friends. Our conversations revealed that he had not talked to anyone about his wife and certainly not his grief. Time passed and then we began dating. After a lot of hesitation, he finally invited me over to his house. I was both crushed and shocked. He had not touched a thing since his first wife's passing. Nothing. Lots of dust and newspapers piled up and the curtains were all closed so it was dark inside. It was terrible to know that he had been living that way with no help. Well, with his permission, I helped him clean and I organized her stuff for him to decide what to throw out and what to donate and took care of it. Next I helped him pick out colors and we painted the interior of the house. He gave me money to buy him new curtains and other home essentials. We redecorated. Our aim I told him was to "bring some life, light and happiness" into the house. And we did! He cheered up. We both did. We had ourselves a good ole time transforming the place. And about halfway through the project, he proposed. I was asking him about something to do with the house, saying something like "well, it's your house so I need to know what you like"...and that's when he said he was hoping it would be my house too someday. It had only been 3 years since his first wife had passed but we made it thru his grief and got married. Now I feel like how he must've felt when his first wife passed. This pain is beyond anything I've ever dealt with before. I have dealt with a lot of death in my lifetime but not the death of a spouse. It is so very painful, much worse than anything else. That is why I am offered a little comfort knowing he won't be in pain from his illness anymore or going thru grief. But I don't know how to move forward right now other than coming here. Bare with me! 

[KayC]

Oh Hon, we will all bear with each other!  This is the hardest thing I've ever been through!  But I've learned more in these 16 years than in the rest of my life put together.  It is rife with rich nuggets of gold...of course, any of us would trade everything for five more minutes with them!    Saturday will be 16 years he's been gone...I didn't know how I'd do a week without him.  I was married to my kids' dad for 23 years but never had what George and I had...until him.  We clicked, our communication was amazing!  We respected and loved each other beyond description.

He was lucky to have you...you were fortunate to find each other.  I'm so glad you brought sunshine into his life.  I'm just sorry we couldn't have all had this longer.  I imagine he did not know where to start either and felt overwhelmed, sometimes having someone to go through things with makes all the difference in the world.  I still feel overwhelmed especially as I'm growing old alone with physical limitations and no support.  Right now I'm going through the wringer with my sister, as she's in the hospital with six broken ribs and has dementia.  She'll go to a care center today, but am hoping she can get a caregiver and come home, it's where she wants to be...her husband of 50 years died last September.  

Today is my husband's birthday.

[Diane R. E.]

Hi Kay; I'm thinking of you today on your husband's birthday. I've only had one of my husband's birthdays so far, but it was incredibly difficult. You and George had an amazing relationship founded on love. I'm so happy the two of you found each other; I only wish you had more time together. (((Hugs)))  

[tnd]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Right now I'm going through the wringer with my sister, as she's in the hospital with six broken ribs and has dementia.  She'll go to a care center today, but am hoping she can get a caregiver and come home, it's where she wants to be...her husband of 50 years died last September.  

KayC:  Does your sister have her own place or if she gets a caregiver, will she be moving in with you or will you be her caregiver? Could you take that on after everything you've already been thru and are going thru with your own health? After I get moved I do not see myself taking on any more challenges than the ones I will personally be facing. I was always the one to "hold down the fort" and keep a job/pay the bills when married to my first husband (divorced) and then I moved my mother in with me several years because she had a heart problem and nowhere to go. She eventually and actually found love again and moved in with her boyfriend until passing away. Then of course I helped care for my husband. I applaud you for being a diabetes advocate. Surely what you learned from your husbands diabetes can help you or has been. I learned a lot about the body and nutrition from mine. And sometimes I was the one teaching him. What was important was that he knew he had a partner that would help him live with diabetes. We went thru it together and so I am glad he wasn't alone with that. Heck, our first year I made the mistake of buying A LOT of candy for Halloween Trick-Or-Treaters...we ended up with a lot left over. I think you can imagine where it went..but at least he admitted it. I never did that again.  

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

Hi Kay; I'm thinking of you today on your husband's birthday. I've only had one of my husband's birthdays so far, but it was incredibly difficult. You and George had an amazing relationship founded on love. I'm so happy the two of you found each other; I only wish you had more time together. (((Hugs)))  

Thank you!  Those who knew us and saw us together knew we had an amazing love, we were so lucky!

17 hours ago, tnd said:

KayC:  Does your sister have her own place or if she gets a caregiver, will she be moving in with you or will you be her caregiver? Could you take that on after everything you've already been thru and are going thru with your own health?

My sister wants to stay in her home the rest of her life if possible.  I think she's finally convinced she needs a part time caregiver.  But I am her contact and she needs to have a POA, I doubt anyone else will want that job.  I don't want it either but it's needed.  I love her and care about her, we've always been each other's emotional support.  She cannot drive so her friend and I drive her everywhere, which can be burdensome where we live...we're 1 1/2 hours away from the city.  Yesterday was a day from hell, I was swamped running up/down the mountain to her place, met with the guy she sold her boat/motor to (never found the motor)...I offered him the boat/motor/trailer my son dumped here ten tears ago and never did anything with (with his permission) as he already paid her and cannot find it.  Her place is like a hoarder's in the garage and Bert's bedroom (her late husband).  I'm hoping the family will come help clean it out as I cannot with my hand injuries, pain, and loss of strength.  I cannot take on the role of caregiver.  Her place is filthy, she needs to hire a housekeeper.  I did learn she has $60,000 in assets (not counting her home) so does not qualify for aid, as you can only have $2,000.  As long as she lives there she can stay there with help but she has to pay out her $ first before the state takes over, and at that point, her house will belong to them.  I have been learning constantly the last 12 days and the doctors/nurses/gov't has not made it easy to sift through all of the conflicting information!  It's hard to tend to my needs when I don't get advance notice she needs a ride for this or that, all of it important!  I'm about to pull my hair out as I'm a planner and she is not.

 

17 hours ago, tnd said:

Surely what you learned from your husbands diabetes can help you or has been.

No because everything we were taught by doctors/dietitians was incorrect!  It resulted in his death.  Nothing has changed in the last 50 years and the US ADA and AMA are not progressive like France is..  Anyway, I've been learning daily for the last 1 1/2 years and have my diabetes fully under control without meds now!  I'm learning so much about health and love learning!  I've gotten off my statins as well as learning the truth about them as well.  Now I'm battling my BP, I had it under control until all this hit with my sister and the family and her were trying to put everything on ME!  My son and friends have all cautioned me NO!

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Her place is like a hoarder's in the garage and Bert's bedroom (her late husband)

My brother's wife is a hoarder, another reason I dread having to move in with them. My brother has never talked about it but I pretty much figured it out myself. Especially when I saw that TV show "Hoarders, Buried Alive". Years back, no joke, one time when I visited them on vacation the guest room barely had enough room for me to get to the bed. That was even after giving them more than a month's notice of my visit. Took me a few more years tho to figure out that she was a hoarder. And now I am about to go LIVE IN IT. I don't know how that will go but I do know that at least I won't be alone or on the street. 

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

It's hard to tend to my needs when I don't get advance notice she needs a ride for this or that, all of it important!  I'm about to pull my hair out as I'm a planner and she is not.

You certainly did have an extremely busy day! I applaud you for not breaking down and for continuing on with what you had to do. Like you, I'm a planner. I learned a long time ago to plan/prepare as best you can because I don't like unpleasant surprises. And now that my health has declined, I really have to plan things out (loss of breath/strength/energy). I'm sure you are in the same boat. Funny/not funny but my doctor wanted me to rest and avoid stress because it causes inflammation to rise. BTW, please do your best to lower yours and don't be afraid to let people know why....you need to save your heart and KIDNEYS. High blood pressure puts pressure on the kidneys, which is a huge concern for diabetics. You do not want to lose the function of your kidneys. I know you probably already knew that but my husband was doing pretty well managing his diabetes until we got laid off and he had to sell the house and get a new job and move us into an apartment. A year later he had to start dialysis. His kidneys went downhill fast and we talked about it and were sure that it was because of stress. In the beginning he had high BP and had to take BP meds and got it under control but then in the end, it was too low of a BP that took him. Despite meds. So Ha! If my doctor only knew what I've been dealing with the last several months while my husband was hospitalized and now with his passing..I am super stressed. Every aspect of my life has been affected. And I have to deal with and take action on every part of it by myself now. So please don't be afraid to speak up and let people you need help or more time to complete a task and WHY you do...to save your health, your KIDNEYS.      

[KayC]

I have explained this to my siblings but still it's all falling on me.  I can't handle this much longer, it's too great a burden, esp. being one I didn't sign on for.  I got to CHOOSE my husband, I didn't get to my sister.  I love her but her ways are polar opposite of mine and how I choose to live.

[tnd]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I have explained this to my siblings but still it's all falling on me.  I can't handle this much longer, it's too great a burden, esp. being one I didn't sign on for.  I got to CHOOSE my husband, I didn't get to my sister.  I love her but her ways are polar opposite of mine and how I choose to live.

KayC:  Someone just suggested to me that I might want to contact Social Services after I move and ask for "Intake" to be connected to a social worker. They might be able to help me with applying for financial assistance, insurance or housing or even people to physically help me with things, etc. I realize this may not exactly apply to your situation but then it again, it might. Maybe your sister's new caregiver will know of some resources. I would think that the most important/critical thing will be that your sister is receiving personal care for health and safety reasons. Beyond that, what you are able to do will be what you are able to do. I have a saying sometimes; "It is what it is". If there are things you can't do or don't feel up to doing because of your  own health or exhaustion, don't beat yourself up over it. Let someone else take care of it. All you can do is ask that someone help her (or yourself. Try not to look too far down the road and about cleaning her place for her or getting rid of junk for her, selling stuff or whatever else that someone else can be doing.

I, myself am feeling overwhelmed with just thinking/dealing with my current financial situation and moving to another state. I don't even know but probably about to find out if I can even take my oxygen equipment with me. I am losing my insurance and I don't even know if my O2 supplier will let me move with the equipment and then contact their office at my brother's location or what. I do know I need to be on O2 24/7.  My point in telling you this is that when our plates are full we cannot take on any more. I am very quickly realizing that just like a lot of other things in life, I need to prioritize and be organized. All while allowing myself to break down and cry thruout the day. Sucks. 

[june483]

On 6/13/2021 at 12:35 AM, tnd said:

 I think if I had died before he did he would be in a lot of pain. -   -    So I am thankful that he is no longer suffering from pain from an illness but also not suffering from grief. The man had been through enough in this life. 

My husband had a fractured back due to spine mets.  He still used a scooter and was able to transfer himself but the pain was unbearable at times.  I would pray so hard asking God to take away his pain and give it to me.  When he finally passed I feel like that is exactly what happened.  I am trying to be as strong as he was during his years of suffering. This life, which can be so completely wonderful  is certainly not easy at times

[tnd]

2 hours ago, june483 said:

This life, which can be so completely wonderful  is certainly not easy at times

june483: You are certainly right about life being wonderful but not always easy.  I am sorry for your loss and for the pain from losing your own husband. This pain is intense. I see you lost your husband in 2020 and obviously the pain is still fresh. I guess all these months that my husband was in the hospital, losing him was in the back of my mind. I knew it was a possibility. Heck, it's been there ever since he had started dialysis 8 years ago. But while he was in the hospital he actually had days that brought us both some hope. Up until the last two days I really believed he'd come home. But he took a turn for the worse. And now life for me is the worst. I am comforted only by the fact that he is no longer suffering. But that is the only comfort I have right now. I wish it were enough but it's not. The pain I feel is absolutely overwhelming. And every aspect of my life is being affected by the loss of my husband. I have so much to take care of and to do and so little time to do it because I've got to move in with my brother and his family in the next month or so. And altho being busy acts as a distraction from the grief, it doesn't make "life easy". I guess this is where anger comes in...

[KayC]

16 hours ago, tnd said:

Someone just suggested to me that I might want to contact Social Services after I move and ask for "Intake" to be connected to a social worker. They might be able to help me with applying for financial assistance, insurance or housing or even people to physically help me with things, etc.

I already did that, I gathered all of her information and did an "intake interview" for her and she does not qualify.  She has too much $ in the bank, so she needs to spend it all before qualifying for help and then her house will belong to the state when she dies or can no longer live there.

16 hours ago, tnd said:

Let someone else take care of it.

There is no one else unless she pays out of pocket for it.  They are supposed to give her a list of resources for a caregiver that can help with rides, etc.  That's good because I live in the mountains and get a lot of snow in the winter, I can't be counted on for rides then!  My sister Polly is blind, and Julie is younger but lives three hours+ from Peggy, so no help.  Mick is 1 hour from her but doesn't have much to do with any of us.  

13 hours ago, june483 said:

I would pray so hard asking God to take away his pain and give it to me.  When he finally passed I feel like that is exactly what happened.  I am trying to be as strong as he was during his years of suffering. This life, which can be so completely wonderful  is certainly not easy at times

This touched me.  You are inspirational!